Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 77

“Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime;
Therefore, we are saved by hope.
Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history;
Therefore, we are saved by faith.
Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone;
Therefore, we are saved by love.
No virtuous act is quite as virtuous from the standpoint of our friend or foe as from our own;
Therefore, we are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness.”

~ Reinhold Niebuhr

********

 

“What!” Justin barked into the phone.

“Hey”
 

Justin’s heart lodged in his throat at the sound of Brian’s voice. He was in the midst of arguing with Joan when the phone rang. He answered it agitated, yet grateful for the interruption. The last person he expected to be on the other end was Brian.

“Brian….” he breathed in a barely audible, shaken voice. He willfully stomped down the emotions that were threatening to choke him.

“Jagger is here,” Brian said. He closed his eyes and leaned against his bedroom door as the sound of Justin’s voice washed over him.

After the scene with Jagger and Fran, Brian decided to check his messages. He left the two alone to get better acquainted with the apartment, and each other, and headed for the privacy of his bedroom.

There were 141 voice and email messages from Justin. Another 80 from his sister and dozens of others from the rest of his family. He spent the last hour listening to all of them, skipping over most and concentrating on those from his sister and Justin.

He hadn’t intended to call Justin. He knew they needed to talk; however, he did NOT want to have that conversation over the phone. But the last message Justin had left on his cell scared him. The tone in Justin’s voice told Brian his boy was nearing his breaking point. He had to make this call.

Silence….

“Did you hear me?” Brian asked, seriously wondering if Justin had hung up on him. Brian picked up right away on Justin’s frustration and anger when he answered the phone. It was not a good combination, especially when shared by the both of them.

“I heard you. How is he?” Justin asked, getting his emotions under control.

“How are you??!!” his mind screamed, but those words never came out. “He’s fine. Well once he got over the initial shock,” Brian said smiling to himself.

“Shock? What happened?” Justin asked worriedly.

“He took exception to a Drag Queen he thought I was tricking with,” Brian said smiling to himself, remembering Jagger’s first reaction to Fran.

“Drag queen?!” Justin echoed his surprise. “Not really your type is it?” Justin frowned into the phone. Brian liked his tricks dark and muscular. Justin had never seen Brian trick with a Drag Queen. Hell, he never tricked with twinks either, yet he took Justin home. Maybe Brian was picking up Drag Queens in New York he thought dejectedly.

“Oh I don’t know, once you get past the hair and makeup - a cock is a cock,” Brian quipped, tongue in cheek.

Justin heard the humor in Brian’s voice and laughed. “True, but lipstick stains are a bitch on Armani,” he teased back not believing they were actually engaging in playful banter as if nothing ever happened….. As if Brian hadn’t taken off in a rage just two weeks ago upon hearing about his
sister’ rape, and his lover's betrayal by keeping that secret from him.

Brian was having the same reaction as Justin. Their light verbal exchange was surreal. It didn’t matter though. He hung on to each word desperate to keep the connection between them. Neither dared point out the white elephant standing between them.

“I hired a Nanny,” Brian said suddenly, changing the topic.

Justin’s heart slammed in his chest and he sunk to the floor.

Joan, who was standing by listening to their strange conversation gasped and rushed to his aide. “What is it?” she asked.

Justin put his hand over the mouthpiece of the phone and shook his head at her. “Please, Joan, let me talk to him alone,” he said.

Joan frowned but nodded her head and turned to leave the room. Except for Joan, the house was empty. Emmett had taken the kids to the mall earlier.

Justin squeezed his eyes shut to prevent the tears from falling. His throat constricted as the bile started to rise up.

He hired a Nanny….

His gut twisted. Why?… Did he intend to stay in New York and fight for joint custody of their baby? Why the fuck else would he need his own Nanny? His mind was racing for answers as panic seized him.

'Breathe, just breathe….' his mind chanted over and over. He had no idea how to respond to Brian.

Brian listened to the eerie silence on the other end and a knot formed in his stomach. Apparently Justin was not in the mood for ‘idle’ conversation. He searched for something to say, anything just to keep Justin engaged. He wasn’t ready to break their connection, not after not hearing his voice for two weeks.

“The woman is totally unsuitable and most certainly will be a bad influence on our children,” he ventured in a very light haughty manner. “She’s a pushy peacock with a penchant for wearing loud colors and a ridiculous amount of war paint. She has the most God-awful nasal voice that will probably make your ears bleed. Plus, she surpasses Emmett in the drama queen department. But she did put Jagger in his place and that alone earned her the position. That and the fact I think you’re going to totally love her,” Brian said.

When he still heard no response from Justin he added. “Listen, if you don’t like her, we’ll find another nanny. It’s your decision. You know I’m not very good at these things,” he relented.

Justin let out a small straggled sob. He gripped the phone tightly to his ear with one hand and ran his other hand over his eyes. Relief flooded through him. Brian didn’t hire his own Nanny; he hired one for them. His emotions crashed in on him and he started to cry.

Brian sucked his breath in as pain ripped through him at the sound of Justin’s tears. “Justin, please… don’t,” he said brokenly, his own tears threatening to spill forth.

“I’m sorry…” Justin croaked out through his tears.

“Are you ok?” Brian asked.

“NO! I’m not fucking ok! How can I be ok? That is the most fucking pathetic question you’ve ever asked me!” Justin screeched in hysterics. The stress of the last two weeks was finally catching up with him.

Brian cringed at the agony he heard in Justin’s voice.

“ARE YOU OK?!!!” Justin threw the question back at him.

“Me? I’m FINE! Fucking fabulous actually. How else should I be after finding out my sister was raped as a child and my partner knew about it for months without telling me?!” Brian yelled into the phone. “FUCK!” he cursed, ending his tirade. He did NOT want to do this over the phone! “I can’t have this conversation, Justin. Not now, and definitely not over the phone. I just called to tell you Jagger was here,” Brian spat out bitterly.

“Bullshit!” Justin screamed into the phone.

“You could have had Jagger call me himself! Why did you call? Was it to torment me? Is that it? To talk about drag queens and tricks?” Justin demanded in an ominous tone.

The bitterness and pain in Justin’s voice cut through Brian. He was hurting and Brian knew he was the only one who could take that pain away from him. “Fuck this!” he said and tossed the phone. It landed on the bed.

Justin heard Brian walk off in the distance.

The last thing he heard was Brian calling out someone’s name.

“FRAN!”
 

********
 

“FUCK!” Justin cursed loudly on his end and threw the portable phone across the wooden floor.

The sound of it smashing into pieces against the hardwood brought Joan running back into the room.

“What happened?!” she asked frantically.

Justin ran his hands over his face and took a deep, steady breath.

He looked up at Joan from his position on the floor and narrowed his eyes. “I’m going out. There is something I need to do. Please tell the kids I’ll be back as soon as I can,” he said and got up to leave.

“Where are you going?” Joan asked nervously following him to the door. She had a sinking feeling the conversation with her son did not go well.

“Out,” Justin said and left without another word.

Joan stood in the empty room stunned. Justin went from being hysterical, to eerily calm, to extremely determined in a matter of minutes.

She walked over and retrieved the broken pieces of the phone and shook her head.

For the first time she was truly worried for her son. Living in the Taylor-Kinney household had brought her closer to Brian, and his family. She loved the children, and she couldn’t help but be filled with joy at the happiness she saw in her son’s face every time he looked at Justin. How could anything that loving and beautiful be a sin?

Gay or not, Justin was the best thing that ever happened to Brian. If he didn’t fix this thing with him, and quick, she feared he would lose him, and Joan knew that would be a fate worse than Hell for her son.

********

 

Justin used the key Rena had given him and entered the house. It was just after 9:00 p.m. He cautiously walked into the living room.

“Hello...” he called out.

Shane, who was lying on the couch, sat up groggily at the sound of Justin’s voice. Justin smiled over at her stunned look.

“Jesus Christ, Justin, what the fuck are you doing here?” she asked.

“Where is everyone?” he returned.

“James went to the mall to meet up with Emmett and the kids, and John just left to take Robert home. And don’t ask about Adam!” Shane said.

She was still not talking to her husband. He was over earlier but Shane was on hormonal overload and threw him out. She knew he’d be back sometime later tonight. Adam was a pitbull when it came to getting what he wanted, and she counted her blessings each day that what he wanted most was her. Still, she couldn’t help but make him work a bit for it….

Robert, who had just recently been released from the hospital, was staying with Ted. He came to visit that night while Ted was working late at Kinnetik. Shane was in awe at the man’s tenacity and stamina. Not only was Ted keeping Kinnetik running smoothly while Brian was away, he was taking care of Robert who was still in a cast from his car accident.

“Where’s Rena?” Justin asked avoiding Shane’s outburst.

Shane tried to push herself up from the couch. Justin came to her aid. She’d gotten so big these past few weeks, everyone was sure she was going to deliver any day now, though her due date wasn’t for another 10 weeks. She took hold of both of his hands and hoisted herself to a standing position.

“She’s upstairs as usual, she barely comes out of her room. It’s about time you two talked. It’s bad enough her brother won’t talk to her. Fucking asshole, then you turned on her,” Shane said.

Justin cringed at Shane’s accusation. It was partly true, though he hadn’t viewed it that way. They had a huge fight after Brian left, each blaming the other for his departure. Rena tried to call him several times but he made no attempt to call her back. He was too wrapped up in his own pain and anger over the situation.

“I know. But it ends now. I’m ending it now,” Justin said.

“Ending what?” Rena’s voice came from the stairs.

She sounded hoarse and tired. Justin looked up to see her frail frame descend the stairs. She looked pale, very pale. He felt immediate remorse for not being there for her. He of all people knew what she was going through.

“Rena...” Justin said her name with such emotion it tore at her heart.

She broke down and ran into his arms. Justin held her as she cried.

“I’m so sorry…” she said through tears.

“No, I’m sorry. Please, let’s not do this anymore.”

Rena wiped her eyes and pulled back from Justin. “Have you heard from him?” she asked.

“Yeah. He called me tonight. Jagger ran off. He called to tell me he’s there with him,” Justin said.

“I’m glad Jagger is ok, though I’m not surprised he ran off. He is so much like Bean was at that age. Did he say anything else?” she asked expectantly.

“That he hired a nanny. Oh, and something about drag queens,” Justin said with a sad smile.

Rena frowned in confusion. “It doesn’t make sense. Are you sure he didn’t say anything else?” she queried again.

“No, but listen. I made a decision. I’m going to get him,” Justin said resolutely.

“Justin, you can’t! You heard what he said! If either of us follows him to New York, he’ll leave and make sure we never find him!” she said fearfully.

“He would never do that. Trust me. Your brother can be a bit of a drama queen when he wants to be. There is no way he’d abandon his family. He may not be talking to you or me, but he’s been in constant contact with the kids. It’s not going to be easy, but I’ve got to make him talk. Only then can we resolve this. It has to end now, Rena. But it won’t end if we don’t come clean. All of us.”

“What do you mean?” she asked.

“I mean you have to come clean with him. About everything. Not just the rape, but with whatever else you’ve been holding back from him,” Justin said with an intuitiveness that shocked Rena.

“How do you know?” she asked quietly.

“Because you’ve been protecting him all his life. And he’s been protecting you. And the only way you two know how to do that is by withholding truths you think will hurt each other. And that’s not love, Rena. That’s control. You can’t control his life, nor he yours. I know you each want to ‘fix’ everything in each other’s life so there is no pain. I know, because I’m guilty of doing the same thing. You didn’t force me to lie to Brian, I lied to protect him, and in the end, it only broke us apart. I learned a very valuable lesson from all this, life can hurt, real bad at times, but not being able to trust the one you love is a hurt worse then anything life can throw at you.”

Rena looked away from Justin as his words penetrated her mind. He was right. For years, she had withheld big and little ugly truths from Brian in an attempt to protect him. It started way back when they were kids. She kept things from him that she knew would hurt him because they were already sharing the most horrid experiences. Why pile on?

She knew for a fact that Brian did the same thing. He never spoke about his tricking to get Andy the drugs he so desperately needed. She had questioned him about it on several occasions. He would shrug and tell her it was nothing. He said he was gay anyway and the ‘johns’ were always nice to him. She knew it was a lie. She followed him on more than one occasion to see him hook up with some pretty bad looking men.

One night she heard him crawl in through his bedroom window, and lock his door. She put her ear to the wall, which separated his room from hers only to hear low whimpers coming from the other side. The next day he emerged bruised and cut. He told her and Andy that he fell off his bike trying to master the “frozen wheelie.” Andy was proud of him for trying so hard, but cautioned him to be more careful. She knew that was not the truth but she backed his story and told Andy she saw him do it. Brian gave her an appreciative look, but they never talked about it again.

And it continued on like that throughout their lives. When Emilian raped her, it never crossed her mind to tell Brian. It was a habit they both got into - lying, hiding and denying anything that was unpleasant from the other. But Justin was right. That wasn’t love that was control. They were trying to control the amount of pain in each other’s lives, having suffered too much of it already.

She had not even realized the impact that years of lying to each other had on her and Brian. In the end, all they managed to do was create distance between them. The pain was still there, it was just hidden. And it would have remained hidden if Justin hadn’t just unraveled it all right in front of her.

A distant buried memory of her and Andy during happier days flashed in her mind. A day when Andy predicted Justin’s role in her life…

“Some day he is going to save you, Rena,” Andy stated and nodded his head as to confirm what he saw.

“Like a knight in shinning armor!” Rena jumped up and down on the bed in her excitement, the drawing clasped in her hands.

Andy laughed. “Yeah, something like that only not here….” he said as he rolled her on the bed and started tickling her body. She laughed and screeched. He stopped and sobered up.

“Here,” he said and pointed to her head. “And here.” He laid his hand on her heart. Rena didn’t understand, but she liked the boy in the drawing.

She understood now. It was all so clear. Justin’s revelation was the beginning of her salvation. She and Brian would never heal from their past until they each exposed all the ugly truths of it to each other. Only then, when they let the monsters out of their perspective closets, would they be able to face them, unafraid, and take their power away, freeing them from all the pain they represented.

She turned back to look at the beautiful boy who captured her brother’s heart. The boy Andy predicted would come into their lives and save them. Her from her own emotional self-imprisonment, and Brian from a loveless existence. She marveled, not for the first time, at Andy’s uncanny gift. Andy was never wrong. Justin was a knight in shinning armor.

“Go get your man, Justin. Bring him home. Like you said. It’s time we ended this,” she said.

Justin smiled and leaned over and kissed her. “I’m leaving first thing in the morning. I’ll keep you posted,” he said then headed out the door.

 

********

It was after midnight when Justin finally got into bed. The kids were ecstatic when he told them he was going to bring Brian home. He could have sworn he heard Joan mutter, “About fucking time” under her breath. ‘Saint’ Joan never cursed. Apparently she picked up a few bad habits living at the Taylor-Kinney residence.

He would have left that night if he could have gotten a flight out, but the first available one wasn’t until morning, and he was too fucking tired to make the six-hour drive. He would take the first available flight out in the morning and hopefully be in the New York apartment before Brian got out of bed. He most likely would be nursing a serious hangover, having drunk himself into a stupor after their conversation earlier that evening. Good, Justin thought, it would give him an advantage. He knew his lover too well not to expect him to fight Justin tooth and nail. But Justin was determined. Come morning, he would be exactly where he needed to be. By Brian’s side.

He closed his eyes and drifted off for the first time in two weeks into a deep comfortable sleep.

Images of ice-cream kisses and ballroom dancing flooded his dreams. Reflections of Brian laughing, Brian dancing, Brian kissing, Brian fucking, Brian naked emotionally, sprawled out beneath him, inundated his slumber, arousing and seducing him.

Justin was falling deeper into his euphoric state of cataleptic bliss when suddenly and mercilessly he was yanked from his self-indulgent paradise.

It happened so quickly that at first, he wasn’t sure if he was awake or still asleep. The delicious burn coursing through him, however, took away any doubts of his state of consciousness.

Justin hissed in exquisite pain.

“Did that hurt, Sunshine?”

Brian was home…..

He had climbed into their bed while Justin was sleeping, pulled his underwear off, lifted his legs and entered him with one quick thrust. Though his condom was lubed, the intrusion was unexpected, and swift, taking Justin completely by surprise. He wasn’t ready for his entrance.

“No,” Justin automatically muttered then cursed. Didn’t he JUST have this conversation with Rena? “ I mean yes...” he stammered opening his eyes to meet Brian’s.

Brian eyes were dark and intense. Justin involuntarily shivered. Brian was in a mood. A dark mood.

It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered.

Brian was home….

“The truth. How novel,” Brian said snidely then slowly pulled out only to thrust back in again, this time harder, and deeper.

Justin threw his head back and moaned, teetering on the edge between pain and pleasure.

“Easy, sonny boy...” Brian said, emotion thick in his voice.

He lay buried deep inside of his boy, holding onto the connection. The only connection he could trust. God he missed him.

Hearing his blonde’s anxiety over the phone was enough to send Brian running back home. He literally threw Fran and Jagger into the car and drove the six hours, at breakneck speed, to get to his lover.

As soon as he saw him lying in their bed sleeping peacefully, with that beautiful smile playing across his lips, he had to have him. He got into bed and took what was his. What would always be his…

“Oh God, Brian…” Justin murmured unintelligibly squeezing his eyes shut, concentrating on the feel of Brian. Lost to the sweet agony of being filled by him completely.

Brian leaned over and kissed Justin hard on the mouth. His tongue darted inside possessively, tasting him, drinking him in hungrily.

Justin returned the kiss with equal fervor. Two weeks was a lifetime for them.

Their mouths danced over each other’s, taking and giving with each stroke of their tongues, each nip with their teeth, each brush of their lips against the other. They kissed with a hunger that would not be denied. Their breath mingled to the point where when one inhaled, the other exhaled and their breathing became one.

Brian allowed himself this luxury for longer than he intended before finally pulling away. He stared down into his lover’s lust filled eyes wanting nothing better than to give them both the release their bodies were screaming for. But he needed Justin to hear him first. To really ‘hear’ and understand…

“Justin...” he breathed his name.

Justin answered by lifting his hips, imploring Brian to move inside him.

“JUSTIN!” Brian called his name more forcefully this time. A slight sheen of sweat broke out over his brow as he reigned in his mounting desires.

“Brian, please…..” Justin rasped.

Brian took Justin’s wrists and held them above his head. “Listen to me Justin, are you listening?” he said huskily.

Justin’s mind rebelled at Brian’s words. He didn’t want to listen; he wanted to ‘feel’. He closed his eyes and turned his head away from Brian’s intense gaze. “Please, Brian, fuck me...fuck me…I need you so bad…fuck me. We’ll talk later,” Justin managed to croak out.

“NO. Now, Justin, now. With me deep inside of you, I need to say this,” Brian wheezed gruffly.

Justin opened his eyes and turned to look at his lover. The intensity in his hazel orbs took Justin’s breath away. “I’m listening…” he said breathlessly, his body screaming at him for release, yet his heart winning out to the ‘need’ he heard in his love’s voice.

Brian touched his forehead to Justin’s. His breath was labored, more so from his emotions, than physical exertion.

“I can take any pain this world has to throw at me,” he whispered throatily. "I’ve lost my brother, my first love, to a horrible death. My sister was taken from me, my father abused me and my mother was helpless to save me. I’ve been raped, beaten, shot, and comatose. And I’ve survived it all. Pain has been so much a part of my life that I accept it without reservation or regret. But there’s one pain I could never accept, one that I would never survive, and that is the pain from believing you’ve lost faith in me. You are my beacon, Justin. The light to my darkness. The only fucking thing in this whole world that I can trust is your faith in me and the inevitability of us.” Brian paused to fill his lungs. His emotions had literally sucked the air from him. “Don’t ever make me doubt that trust again…Do you understand?” Brian demanded. Tears pooled in the bottom of his eyes, threatening to spill over.

Justin’s heart clenched painfully tight. He understood perfectly what Brian was telling him. Unfortunately, he came to that understanding a little late causing the love of his life unnecessary heartache and doubt. “Yes, Brian. I understand. I was wrong, so very wrong. I won’t defend my actions, only my reasons. I did what I did out of love, but I think you already know that,” Justin said smiling up at Brian.

Brian closed his eyes, drinking in Justin’s words.

Justin wiggled his wrists free from Brian’s grasp and cupped his face in his hands. Brian nestled his cheek into the warmth of Justin’s palm. Justin turned his face so that their lips met. He kissed his lover with a tenderness that nearly undid them both. Brian melted into Justin’s loving caress. When he pulled back he saw baby blues, dark with passion, and something else...

“But understand this,” Justin continued unswervingly. “I NEVER lost faith in you. I lost faith in me. I wasn’t strong enough to see you in pain. Brian, you are my strength, my life, my love. When you hurt, I hurt. I’m sorry, I was a coward. And don’t say sorry’s bullshit!” Justin stopped Brian before he could voice that sentiment. “I won’t let us down again. I promise. NO matter what life throws at us, I’ll know that even if I lose faith in me, that you have enough faith for the both of us.” Justin spoke the words as if they were vows. And they were. Reaffirming vows of their love, commitment and faith in each other.

Brian pulled his bottom lip in and bit it nervously. “Promise?”

“Promise.”

Brian breathed a sigh of relief and gathered Justin to him; hugging him fiercely. He buried his face in his neck, and Justin could feel the wetness from his silent tears permeate his skin. His body shook as waves of intense emotion overtook him.

Brian was using every ounce of will not to drown in all that he was feeling, afraid that the weight of it would be too much for him to bear.

Sensing Brian’s distress, Justin gave his lover what he needed. What they both needed.

He squeezed down around Brian’s cock and rolled his hips forward calling upon Brian’s sexual desire to take over the emotional overload he was falling victim to.

Brian eagerly grasped the lifeline Justin threw him, channeling all his emotions into the one he was most comfortable with.

Lust.

He sat back on his haunches and pulled Justin’s hips to him. He then slid his hands down, under his thighs and pushed them forward so that his knees were nearly touching his shoulders. He leaned his body over his boy; his cock still buried deep inside of him and began a slow, steady rhythm.

His throbbing cock hammered away relentlessly, hitting that sweet spot with each thrust. He drove into Justin deeper and faster, ramming him, fucking him, losing himself in him.

Justin met him, as only Justin could, thrust for thrust, giving and taking all Brian had to offer.

His moans were low and throaty, speaking volumes to Brian. “Oh fuck, God, now, please now……..” Justin grabbed Brian’s shoulders and screamed out his need.

Brian reached between their bodies and stroked Justin’s cock. He felt the muscles in Justin’s ass contract, and his balls tighten. He could feel Justin’s orgasm upon him. He doubled his efforts and greedily drove into him deeper, lowering hs mouth to capture Justin’s in a passion filled kiss.

Justin moaned deeply into Brian’s mouth and dug his fingers into his shoulders, holding on for dear life.

Brian pounded away into his boy, straining to hold back his orgasm until Justin had reached his. He shifted his position slightly so that he was now hitting Justin’s prostrate at a different angle.

Justin bucked beneath him and let out a guttural cry. Brian swallowed it as they both exploded into an earth-shattering climax.

After several minutes of cumming, and bodies jerking, as little aftershocks of their union danced through their bodies, they collapsed into each other.

Justin held on tightly to his lover as he tried to catch his breath.

Brian was home…..

After a considerable amount of time passed, their breathing steadied, and Brian reluctantly pulled out of Justin and rolled to his side, taking Justin with him.

Justin nestled into Brian’s side and stretched like a well-satisfied, content cat.

Brian wrapped his arms around his boy and pulled him closer to him. “That was hot,” he said.

Justin let out a small tired laugh. He could hear the smirk in Brian’s voice. “Yes, very...” he purred.

Brian reached over and grabbed a cigarette from his nightstand. He lit it, took a drag and offered it to Justin.

Justin shook his head no and buried his head deeper into Brian’s side, drinking in the smell of him. More then anything, he missed Brian’s smell. While he was gone, he slept with his arms wrapped around his pillow, that was when he slept at all, and lost himself in the scent left behind by his partner. It was uniquely Brian. Part French expensive shampoo, part Lagerfeld cologne, Justin’s favorite, and part dark musk that was pure Brian. Earthy and intoxicating.

Brian lay there smoking his cigarette. A comfortable quiet settled over them.

Justin raised his head to look at his partner and was taken back by the serene look on his face. Brian was happy… Justin’s heart swelled.

“Welcome home,” he said.

Brian looked down at Justin and smiled. He put his cigarette out and reached down to kiss Justin. “I never left home, Sunshine,” he said when he pulled away. Justin looked up at him confused. Brian smiled. “You are my home, Justin. And I never left you…” he said earnestly.

Justin teared up at Brian’s admission. He may have run off to lick his wounds, but Brian never left ‘home’. He never left him.

“Nor would I ever let you,” Justin countered.

Brian gathered Justin into his arms. He lowered his mouth to his and gently, yet thoroughly kissed him. It wasn’t long before their passions took hold of them and they were once again, dancing their dance of love.

Only this time, it was Justin’s name on Brian’s lips as Justin plunged into him…

 

********

“Um, Fran, Jagger told me you were a drag queen, is that true?” Peter asked nervously, yet Fran saw a hint of mischief dance in the young boy’s eyes.

“Forget it, Peter, I’m not showing you my tits,” Fran said smirking.

Joan raised her eyebrows disapprovingly at her. Fran shrugged and tried to look sorry. What the hell did the woman expect from her? She and Jagger were unceremoniously thrown in the car last night and driven six hours to this house. Brian had shown her to her room, which she had to admit was nicer than a room at the Ritz, and left her to her own devices. She woke up early this morning and had to introduce herself to his family.

The kids were all adorable. Especially Lizzy and little Johnny. Peter and Jagger, however, were mischievous little imps. She had to be on her toes around them.

She had to also introduce herself to Brian’s mother, who apparently was living with them, though she said it was only temporary. The woman had the most sour disposition she ever encountered. She wondered if she ever smiled and if she did, would her face crack? She was currently throwing Fran the most disapproving, disdainful looks she’d ever been on the receiving end of. Though she couldn’t totally fault the woman. Fran was a fright this morning.

She had no change of clothes with her, or makeup, which was truly horrifying for her. She was currently wearing a pair of Lizzy’s jeans, and a tee shirt the boys gave her, that she was drowning in. All her personal belongings were in New York.

“Here, Fran, try this.” Lizzy came into the room carrying a small makeup kit Rena had given her.

Fran eyed the small box like a kid eyes candy. “Child, you are an Angelll...” she squealed out in her nasal voice.

Both Jagger and Peter put their hands over their ears.

Johnny laughed.

Fran took off for the bathroom with the makeup kit in her hands.

Brian descended the stairs at that moment with a ruffled Justin right behind him.

Several yelps and enthusiastic cries filled the room at Brian’s entrance. All at once several children attacked him, each throwing questions at him in rapid succession.

“Whoa… easy! One at a time!” Brian said hugging them all fiercely. Brian fucking Kinney was excited to see his children. His children. Fuck if this wasn’t a sign of the apocalypse.

“Can we keep her, Uncle Brian?” This request came from Peter.

Brian raised an eyebrow at him. “I see you met Fran,” he said.

Justin went into the kitchen and grabbed two cups of coffee for them. He walked back over to Brian and handed him his.

“So where is this 'Fran'?” he asked in his best waspish voice.

“She’s in the bathroom, Cuz,” Jagger said.

“Is she the nanny you were talking about? Or the Drag Queen?” he inquired of Brian with a sly look.

“Both,” Brian said and took a sip of his coffee.

As if on cue, Fran came out of the bathroom and joined them.

Joan gasped.

Brian cursed.

Lizzy and Johnny giggled.

Peter and Jagger’s mouths dropped open.

And Justin, having just taken a sip of his coffee, spit it out.

She was exactly as Brian described her, though Justin wouldn’t have believed it in a million years. He truly thought Brian was fucking with him, but there she stood, a peacock for sure, wearing way too much makeup and dressed, well, if not colorfully, most definitely provocatively.

Her hair was teased impossibly high and the color was one that could only have come from a bottle. It was blue black and shiny. She was wearing a pair of jeans that were way too tight for her. Justin thought they looked familiar. Her tee shirt, knotted up under her breasts, not only accentuated their size, but exposed a fair amount of midrift. A pair of what were at least 3” heels completed the look. Yep. He could see why she might be mistaken for a Drag Queen.

Justin had to admit, though, she did have a great body, one that he noticed Jagger and Peter were currently appreciating way too much.

“Whaaat?” Fran said in that nasal voice Brian forewarned would make Justin’s ears bleed.

It almost did. Justin cringed, but then quickly found his manners. He walked up to the woman, slapping both Jagger and Peter upside the head on his way so that they’d close their mouths, and introduced himself. “I’m so sorry for the boys, they’re just not use to having such a...a...beautiful woman grace our home,” Justin said awkwardly. He could hear Brian laugh behind him.

Fran tilted her head and looked at Justin. He smiled at her. Her face suddenly lit up in recognition. “SUNSHINE!” she squealed, guessing this handsome young man had to be Brian’s partner, the one he called Sunshine. With a smile like that, what other nickname could he have?

Justin looked back over his shoulder and scowled at Brian. Brian shrugged his shoulders and moved over to the dining room table, allowing Justin to handle the situation at hand on his own. Justin looked back to Fran. “I’m Justin,” Justin said and extended his hand.

“Oh please, with the handshake! Come here, gorgeous!” she said and pulled him in for a big hug.

Justin let out a small gasp and hugged her back. She was infectious, much like Emmett.

Emmett… Now he understood the attraction. She did remind him a lot of Emmett. Colorful, animated, emotional and outgoing. The only difference being, other than the obvious, (or maybe not so obvious) was one was a Southerner, the other a Northerner. In addition to her nasal quality voice, Fran had a distinct city accent.

Justin pulled away from her and took her by the hand. “Why don’t you come eat breakfast us and we can talk. Get better acquainted,” he suggested leading her over to the dining room table.

“I’ll whip up some pancakes!” Lizzy offered. She totally adored this new addition to their family. There was something so charming about her. She told them that Brian had hired her as their nanny. She hoped Justin liked her. She wanted Fran to stay.

“Lizzy, you can cook? That’s wonderful! I wish I could. I can’t even boil water,” Fran said and winked at the kids who all followed her to the table.

Joan took her seat at the other end and watched this intruder. She did not like the woman, at all. What was her son thinking? “You can’t cook?” Joan asked in an accusatory tone.

“God, no! But I can order pizza with the best of them,” she quipped.

Joan snorted. “The woman is useless,” she said.

“Mother...” Brian warned over his coffee.

Joan scowled at him. “Brian, I know it’s none of my business…”

“That’s right. It isn’t,” Brian interrupted his mother.

“But how can you expect this, this person to care for your baby! She can barely dress herself! Look at her! How is she going to dress a baby? I bet she’s never even changed a diaper!” Joan said, ignoring her son’s warnings.

Brian was about to say something when Fran interrupted him.

“I have too changed a diaper before!” she said defensively then turned to Justin. “I dated this guy once who was into that, if you know what I mean. I actually got very good at it! Oh, well except that one time I accidentally pricked him with the safety pin. Big baby cried for almost an hour. But hey, I dare you to find someone better at fashioning the flying angel wing,” she said loud enough for Joan to hear, yet her eyes held Justin’s.

Justin could see the mischief in Fran’s eyes and had to hide his smile.

Joan sputtered. The kids all laughed, totally enjoying the exchange.

“Well I never!” Joan exclaimed.

“Well maybe you should, lady! Lighten up! Seriously, I am very good with kids! I practically raised my ex’s kids. You don’t even know me, why don’t you like me?” Fran asked bluntly.

Brian smiled. It was one of the things he liked about Fran. Her way of just coming out and getting to the heart of the matter. NO bullshit.

Joan pursed her lips, but kept silent.

Brian sighed.

“Joan, give Fran a chance. Justin and I like her,” he said, already knowing by the look in Justin’s eyes that he had accepted Fran in his mind.

“Brian’s right. Fran stays,” Justin said then turned his attention to Brian.

“You should know, Bri, that your mother is not taking her medicine,” he said turning the tables on Joan.

Brian’s eyes narrowed. “Why the fuck not?” he asked, his demeanor suddenly changing. The doctors told her that the pills would stop the progression of her disease.

“Please, what for? The side effects are not worth me taking them on the chance they might give me another few years,” she said determinedly.

“Too fucking bad. You’re going to start taking them, immediately,” Brian said firmly.

“You can’t tell me what to do!” Joan countered.

The family sat back quietly. They knew better than to get in-between Brian and his mother when they went at it. They were both stubborn, and they each could be very cruel.

“The fuck I can’t!” Brian snarled at her.

Joan was about to reply when Fran spoke up.

“Actually you can’t,” she said. Brian threw her a death glare. She cringed but continued, “She has every right to live, and die as she pleases.” Fran said then turned to Joan. “I respect your choice. As should your son. I mean, if you want to go, go. What’s stopping you? Your son is very capable of taking care of himself, and I’m here now to take care of your grandkids! So what if I can’t change a baby’s diaper? I mean, how hard can it be? What’s the worst that could happen?” She said that last part in a cocky voice and made a face that said, “Please!”

Justin again had to hold in his laugh. Oh yeah, she was going to fit right in, he thought. She was too sharp to let any of the kids, or Joan, or Brian for that matter get away with shit.

Joan’s face turned beet red. She pushed her chair back and stood up quickly leaving the room.

Brian turned his glare on Fran.

“Whaat?!” she asked in mock innocence and slid her body behind Justin’s.

Justin shrugged his shoulders and gave Brian an awkward smile. “Bri…” He tried to calm the outburst he knew was coming.

Brian was about to ream her out when Joan reentered the room, carrying two bottles of pills. She sat back down at the table. “Lizzy, please get me a glass of water,” she said.

Lizzy went to do her grandmother’s bidding. All the kids thought of Joan as their grandmother.

Brian raised his brow at her.

“I’ll suffer the nausea, and hair loss if I have to, but I’ll be damned if I leave this earth with THAT woman in charge of my grandchildren’s welfare!” She announced to the table out loud.

Justin’s jaw dropped. “We’ll I’ll be damned. Even Emmett couldn’t get her to take those pills,” he said quietly.

Fran threw Brian a satisfied smile as she reached across him for an apple that was in a fruit bowl sitting on the table. “Honey, I told you I can handle this job,” she whispered for his ears only and winked at him before sinking back down in her seat.

Brian shook his head. “Did I mention I’m not very good at these things?” he said to Justin.

Justin laughed. “Actually, Brian, in this case you were absolutely perfect.” He leaned over to give him a quick kiss.

“Um, so we can keep her?” Peter said.

Fran threw her napkin at him. “Down boy,” she admonished.

Brian laughed. “Yes, we can keep her,” he said then turned to Fran. “That is, if she’ll have us.”

Fran gave him a sly look. “That depends,” she said.

Brian leaned back and put his tongue in his cheek. “On what?” he asked.

“Well first, I need to get my clothes,” she said.

“I’ll buy you a whole new wardrobe,” he said thinking it was the best solution. He hated to think what her wardrobe looked like.

Fran perked up at that. Justin knew Brian’s intent.

“We have a friend, Emmett. I know you’ll just love him, Fran. He’ll take you shopping. I think you two will have a lot in common,” he said bursting Brian’s bubble. Brian sneered playfully at him.

“Greaaat!” Fran squealed. Several hands around the table went to their ears.

“What’s second?” Brian asked, hearing Fran’s first request.

“Second, you have to have at least one straight friend to introduce me to! I’m thir...um, twenty-nine years old. I’d like to know I’m not going to be spending the next several years surrounded by only gay men!”

Brian looked to Justin. They knew very few straight men. Carl, Deb’s beau, John, Rena’s fiancé, and Adam, Shane’s husband. But between the three of them, they were sure they had to know some single straight guys.

“We know three actually. And I’m sure they know a lot more,” Brian assured her.

Fran squealed in delight.

“Jesus, are we ever going to get used to that noise?” Jagger asked.

Fran laughed totally unoffended. She knew all too well how grating her voice was. She really liked this odd little family. She had a feeling she was going to be very happy here…

Lizzy brought the pancakes to the table and everyone dug in. Brian excused himself from the table and went to retrieve his coat. Justin got up to follow him.

“You’re going now?” he asked.

Brian nodded his head. “Tell the kids I’ll be back later,” he said.

Justin reached up and kissed him gently on the lips. “It will be fine,” he said.

Brian smiled tightly and left.

Justin returned to the table and sat down. Lizzy placed a plate of pancakes in front of him but he found he had suddenly lost his appetite.

“Where did Uncle Brian go?” Johnny asked.

“He went to see your Aunt Rena, honey,” Justin said.

His eyes met Joan’s across the table. They both knew how emotional that meeting was going to be.

Justin squared his shoulders and plastered a smile on his face. “So Fran, tell us more about yourself….”

 

********
 

Brian pulled up to his sister’s house and sat in the car for what seemed like an eternity. He and Justin had a long talk early that morning about his sister. He was still blown away at the insight Justin had on his and Rena’s relationship. It wasn’t that he wasn’t already aware of everything Justin said. He knew all too well that Rena kept secrets from him, just as he did from her. It was what they did. How they were conditioned.

The one thing he didn’t realize, however, was that fact that their secrecy had put a wedge between them. They never talked. Really talked. They loved each other more than anything. They were bonded in ways no one could understand, yet did they even know each other?

No.

That was the simple answer. He didn’t know his sister, and she didn’t know him. Loving someone and knowing them did not necessarily go hand in hand, he realized. And he DID want to get to know his sister. But the only way he was going to do that was if he let her know him, as well.

He opened the car door and walked up to the house. Quietly, he let himself in.

Rena was sitting at the kitchen table with John, Adam and Shane. She turned her eyes to him when she heard him enter, and she froze. Her heart slammed in her chest. She knew this was coming, but now that the moment was here, what the fuck was she supposed to do?

Brian smiled at her. “Hey sis, I’m back,” he said.

Rena cleared her voice. “I see that.”

Adam, John and Shane suddenly felt very uncomfortable.

John was the first one to react. “Welcome home, Bri,” he said and rose to give his friend a hug.

Brian hugged him back and whispered in his ear, “How is she?”

“Much better, now that you’re here,” John answered quietly.

Shane tapped John on the shoulder. “Um, if you get any closer, Justin is going to rip you a new one. And not in a positive life affirming way. Now give the man some room,” she said putting some levity into the situation.

John pulled away laughing. “Speaking of room. You’ve taken up enough of it, don’t you think? Jesus, Shane, does Adam have to cart you around in a wheel barrel these days?” he joked.

Shane stuck her tongue out at him. “Assshole,” she said then pulled him in for a hug, which wasn’t easy to do with her big belly.

Brian looked over at Adam. “You still feeding her junk food?” he accused.

Adam threw his hands up and sighed. “According to you everything she does is my fault!”

Brian laughed. “Not everything. Just the bad things.”

Shane turned to Rena. “See, Re, everything is right in the world again. Adam and Brian are nipping at each other’s heels,” she said smiling.

Rena smiled weakly at her.

John went over to her and leaned down to kiss her. “I’m going to see how Robert is doing and Adam is taking Shane back now. It’s time she went home, gorgeous. Brian’s back,” he informed her.

Rena nodded her head. She knew Shane only pretended being at odds with her husband as an excuse to stay with Rena but she couldn’t’ even feel guilty about it. She needed her, besides, Adam was practically staying there as well. It was the only reason why James had felt comfortable enough to leave for a few hours a day to be with Emmett. Now THAT she did feel guilty about. They were fighting because she and Justin were not on speaking terms. Hopefully that was resolved now that she and Justin made up. James was with Emmett right now trying to right things between them.

“You’re right,” she whispered then turned her gaze on Shane. “Shane, thank you.”

“You’re kidding, right? I mean, Jesus, Re, look at me. I’m married for fuck’s sake, and having a baby! If it weren’t for you, I wouldn’t be here today, this happy. If you hadn’t found me that night way back, sitting on the bathroom floor bleeding my veins out, I would be dead today, or worse. And believe me, I know there is worse,” she said compellingly. “You saved me, Rena. Not only saved me, but loved me and made me part of your family. Don’t thank me. Don’t ever thank me,” Shane stressed in a very poignant voice.

Tears sprang to Rena’s eyes. She got up from the table and rounded on Shane pulling her in and hugging her fiercely. Both woman held on to each other and cried.

“Ok, enough with this lesbianic shit,” Brian said breaking into their emotional fanfare.

Rena and Shane parted reluctantly laughing, wiping their eyes.

“He’ll never change.” Rena sighed for emphasis then turned her eyes to her brother. “Thank God,” she added with a soft smile.

Brian made a face as if he were going to be sick. “Do I really need this? God, Justin is rubbing off on you!” he said brusquely, yet the softness in his eyes betrayed his intent. “What I need…” he said grabbing Adam and Shane by their arms, “is for Adam to take his big ass wife home so I can talk to my sister alone.” Brian propelled them towards the door.

Shane’s mouth dropped open as Brian unceremoniously escorted her and Adam out. “Big ass! Well you should know, you’re the biggest ass of them all!” she said, smiling at her own humor.

“Ha ha…” Brian barked snidely, and then reached over and gave her a quick kiss on the cheek. “Adam. Later,” he said.

Adam guided Shane out. “Later.”

John came up behind them. “I guess that’s my cue to leave,” he said.

Brian smiled. “I’ll call you. Don’t worry.”

John gave him an odd look. “Why the fuck would I worry? You’re her brother. No one is ever going to love her as you do. Not even me,” he said sagely.

Brian nodded his head accepting John’s words. He was right. Though Rena’s future lay with John, her past belonged to him. “True. But no one is ever going to love her like you either,” Brian countered.

“I know,” Robert said smugly and winked. He then left Brian alone with his sister.

Brian turned to face his sister. “Got coffee?” he asked.

She raised her brow. “What? No Beam? This definitely seems like a Beam moment to me,” Rena said half jokingly.

“No Beam, Rena. We’ve both had our share over the years, don’t you think?”

Rena nodded her head. They had. It was their first line of defense. Drink it away… Rena poured them two cups of coffee and sat them at the kitchen table. Brian joined her there. They sat quietly drinking the coffee for a while.

Brian was the first to break the silence. “I want you to meet someone,” he said out of the blue. His eyes were fixed on the dark liquid in his cup.

“Ok,” Rena said watching him intently.

He took a deep breath and look up at her. “Hi, I’m Brian Kinney. Your brother,” he said.

And that’s how it began.

Brian went on to tell Rena all about himself, holding nothing back. He spoke with unrestrained tears of his time tricking for Andy’s drugs. He told her about the first time he was raped and the subsequent times afterwards and how he’d grown numb to it and how he really didn’t regret one moment of it because in the end, the drugs he scored eased Andy’s pain a bit.

He then told her about his return visit to the streets in New York when he ran off after she left with Viv. And how he was living in a crack house, using heavily. And the time he went a bit too far and wound up in the hospital, which subsequently ended with him doing a stint at the Cross Roads Juvenile Detention Center.

He told her how Vic had saved him and he managed to live, day by day, without killing himself, though the pain never went away. And love, well the closest he got to that after she had left was his friendship with Mikey, but even that relationship, which he treasured to this day, did not fill the gaping hole left in his heart.

He told her about the day she stopped writing him, and how Tom told him she wasn’t going to contact him ever again. That was the night he went to Mr. Goodbar’s, and if it weren’t for Mikey, he would have not made it out of Goodbar’s.

And then he told her about Justin… And how finally, a little ray of Sunshine broke through the darkness that invaded his soul. And how he fought that light so hard, afraid it was just an illusion. But in the end, it saved him, and it made life worth living again.

But through it all, he told her he never stopped missing her, or loving her…..

Rena listened quietly as tears streamed down her face. When he was finished, she got up and embraced him physically, but more importantly, she embraced him symbolically. She embraced the little 6-year-old boy with the wide eyes and missing front tooth she remembered so well. She embraced the cocky, 9 year old who was so proud he made it on the soccer team that first year. She embraced the gangly 12-year-old boy who played on the monkey bars with her and Andy. She embraced the beaten, broken 13 year old boy who sold his innocence to save his brother, and she embraced the adult who was her brother, the man he’d become, the man she was just getting to know.

And Brian accepted her embrace. It was a union long overdue.

She knew what it took for Brian to open himself up to her as he did. Exposing her to all his pain, and his joy. It was humbling, and she took strength from it as she sat back down and introduced herself, to him.

Rena. The small scared little girl who knew far longer than Brian did the abuse Andy was enduring.
Rena, the adolescent girl who was brutally raped by her father.
Rena, the teenager who was so confused and damaged she started drowning herself in drugs, booze and sex.
Rena, the young woman who struggled through medical school in order to create a new identity for herself because the old one was too horrifying to accept.
Rena, the doctor who was given a chance at love with Sean, her first love, but threw it away, for she feared he would recoil in disgust if he saw the monster laying beneath the physician’s façade.
And then, finally, she introduced to her brother, Rena, the woman she was today. Healed because of him, and his insistence that she seek medical help for her seizures. A woman able to love now without fear, or pain for John was her soul mate, who accepted her completely without judgment.

Rena, his sister.

Brian left his sister’s house some time later, with a sense of renewed life and hope. He drove up Tremont Street and saw the kids playing outside. He parked his car down the road a bit and turned the engine off and just watched.

Lizzy, Peter and Jagger where throwing a ball back and forth from one to the other while Johnny stood in the middle desperately trying to snatch it from them. They were all laughing and Brian smiled as memories of him, Andy and Rena playing in the park, laughing, teasing each other filled him and he thought, for the very first time...

Yes… I was that young, and that happy.

And he remembered that, because that very same happiness he felt as a child, before all the ugliness, jumped into his heart the moment he saw Justin exit the building to join the children in their antics.

Justin was about to snatch the ball away from Jagger to give to Johnny when he spotted Brian sitting in his car down the block. Justin graced him with one of his brilliant smiles. As always, the smile went right to his heart and filled it with all the love and joy that was meant for him. And only him.

Brian responded by giving Justin one of his smiles. One that he knew Justin never saw before. One unaffected, and unrestricted. One he hadn’t smiled in a very, very long time.

Yes….I AM that happy right now….. It said.

 

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