Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 73

“And nothing's all I ever get
Every time I turn it on
I burn it up and burn it out

It's always something
There's always something going wrong
That's the only guarantee
That's what this is all about

It's a never ending attack
Everything's a lie, and that's a fact”


~ Life’s a lemon and I want my money back – by Meatloaf

***

Crash!

“Johnny, no practicing in the house!” Justin yelled over at the boy.

“Sorry Uncle Justin.” Johnny picked up the basketball and the broken lamp and took it over to Justin who was standing in the kitchen preparing dinner.

Justin sighed. “You know your Uncle Brian is going to be furious. That is a Holtkoetter Elk Valenciana Gold Leaf series lamp.” Brian had gotten it on sale for $2,500.00.

Johnny frowned in confusion. “Why does Uncle Brian’s furniture all have names?” he asked innocently enough.

Emmett laughed. “Child, the man is obsessed with labels. Just like you love your Air Jordan’s you got for Christmas, Brian loves his Holtkoetter and Maxalto, and Citterio’s. All Italian designers, baby. Now go play outside while we finish dinner.” Emmett shooed Johnny outside.

Justin smiled as he watched Johnny dribble his ball out the door.

“You’ve done a great job with the boys, Em. Brian is very grateful.”

Emmett had been a big, positive influence in both the boys' lives. He stayed with Joan and the boys until the renovations were completed enough so the boys could move in. It could not have been an easy task, especially with Peter’s aversion to men, gay men in particular. But the boys came to respect Emmett during his time there, and both Brian and Justin were very grateful for his help.

The renovations to the Tremont estate, as Justin liked to call their home, were nearly done. It came out better than either he or Brian could have imagined. The bottom floor was comprised of the kitchen, and main living area. Justin told Brian not to furnish it with expensive furnishings, but he wouldn’t listen. Boys will be boys, and currently they had two boys and a teenage girl living with them.

“Yeah, well it was the least I can do. Peter is coming around; he’s really taken to Lizzy,” Emmett said taking the colander over to the sink to rinse the lettuce.

Justin smiled at the mention of Lizzy’s name. She was truly a Godsend to him and Brian. She was a beacon of kindness and hope that shone brightly in their home and the boys loved her. She fit right in, feeling completely at home at Tremont. Justin was surprised at how quickly she adapted to her new life. Lizzy said the first time she walked through the doors that she was “finally home.”

Jagger on the other hand, was anything but comfortable at Tremont. Though to be fair, he wasn’t there long enough to get adjusted.

“She’s very mature for her age. I’m glad Peter has her to talk to. He still keeps his distance from me you know.”

Emmett frowned. “What does Brian say about that?”

“He say’s give it time. He doesn’t want to push Peter. I’m not so sure though. I think if we don’t intervene he’ll be perfectly happy to remain in his shell. He needs to feel safe around men, especially gay men. This place is so big he can go for days without being near either one of us. I think I’m going to start spending more one on one time with him,” Justin said putting the roast into the oven.

“Well, baby, I think that’s a great idea! He wouldn’t come near me the whole time I was living at Joan’s. Though he did listen to me; I guess that’s a start. And he didn’t insult me once.”

Justin laughed.

Emmett pulled a bag of potatoes out from the pantry and started peeling. “What about Jagger? How’s he doing in rehab?”

Justin shot Emmett an exasperated look. Jagger was giving him a very hard time and Justin was starting to resent Brian’s decision to go to New York with Cynthia to get the ball rolling on Kinnetik NY. It was awful timing, and he suspected just a ruse to avoid having to deal with his little cousin. Dealing with Jagger meant dealing with his own troubled childhood, something Brian had successfully avoided up until now.

Jagger, for his part, kept his promise and willingly entered rehab, but since he’s been there it had been one incident after another. Justin was called in on several occasions to intervene on Jagger's behalf. The center wanted him out. The only reason they kept him was because Brian was throwing an obscene amount of money at them.

“Not well. He rebels against authority at every turn. He refuses to follow rules, living only by his own rules, and challenging everything about the program. He’s insufferable, arrogant and undisciplined.”

Emmett eyed the potato he was peeling and smiled. “And you adore him,” he said ignoring the harshness of Justin’s words.

Justin looked over at Emmett and sighed. “How could I not? He’s totally Brian. Unfortunately, Brian does not like seeing those qualities in himself, so he split,” Justin snapped.

“Oh, ouch! Things not going well between you two?”

“Oh, they’re going just fine for Mr. Kinney. He’s off in New York setting up Kinnetik’s NY office and shopping for an apartment for Cynthia, while I’m here dealing with two very troubled teenage boys.” Justin’s frustration was evident.

Emmett put the potato he was peeling down and went over to hug Justin. Justin smiled and hugged his friend back.

“You need to tell Brian to get his ass home, sweetie,” Emmett said pulling away.

“I can’t, Em. I don’t want him to think I can’t handle the kids when he’s away.”

“Pfsst!” Emmett made the offending noise. “As if his Highness could handle them alone? I doubt it! You’re doing a fantastic job! He’s just being his usual selfish self. He needs to come home.”

“Normally I would agree with you, but he has Gus with him and I don’t want to ruin his time with his son.”

Lindsey and Mel left Gus with them while they went on vacation and Brian decided to take him to New York with him.

“Well at least there is that. Lindsey and Mel admitted to me they were sorry they had fought Brian so hard. Having shared custody freed them up big time to reconnect. Mel says she and Lindsey need time to get to know each other all over again without the shadow of Brian hanging over them.”

“I’m glad for them. Lindsey’s come a long way. We’ve all come a long way.”

“Ring. Ring.”

The phone chimed. Justin picked it up.

“Hey, Sunshine, how’s it going?” Brian said on the other end.

“Don’t ask questions you really don’t want the answer to,” Justin said without thinking. Fuck! Again with his impulsiveness! He shook his head. When would he learn to think before he spoke?

There was silence on the other end.

“What did he do now?” Brian finally asked.

“It's fine, I took care of it. How’s Gus enjoying the city?” Justin changed the subject.

Brian decided to let it slide. “He loves it. I took him to MOMA.”

“MOMA? It’s that a little too sophisticated for a four year old?”

Brian laughed. “What can I say? You’ve rubbed off on him. He loved the drawing gallery. I think you have your first student here.”

“I always said he had talent.” Justin smiled into the phone.

“Did you and Cynthia find an apartment yet?”

“The rents are ridiculous! I decided to buy a brownstone in Midtown instead. It’s perfect. It’s a two family, each having three bedrooms with a fireplace. I purchased it under the company name so it’s a write off. It was very reasonable, by NYC standards. It needs a little work, still it’s a great buy, and we’ll have a place to stay when we come to New York.”

“Sounds nice,” Justin said his voice distant.

Brian sighed into the phone. He could feel Justin was holding back something. “Tell me.”

“What do you want me to tell you that you don’t already know?”

Brian knew exactly what troubles Jagger was causing. No one knew the boy better than him. He just didn’t want to look that deep.

“I’ll take the next flight home.”

Justin silently cursed. He didn’t want Brian to cut his trip short. He was finally getting a chance to bond, really bond, with his son.

“No, don’t. Stay until Sunday, like you planned. There’s nothing you can do anyway. He’s got another week in rehab, and then we can deal with him when he gets home.”

“Are you sure? What about Peter?”

“Peter is actually doing very well thanks to Lizzy. He’s really taken to her and seems more relaxed. He still won’t get close to me, but he eats dinner with us, and helps clean up afterwards, mainly because Lizzy tells him too. He loves that she goes to his high school. Seems Lizzy has already gained Ms. Popularity status at the school. Bri, she’s really something. I can’t tell you what a big help she is, and Emmett is here often. He’s here now. Really, I’m fine, I’m just venting. Please don’t cut your trip short. Sounds like you and Gus are having a great time.”

“Yeah, we are. He’s growing up so fast.”

“Yes, he is. Don’t miss a minute of it. Sunday will be here before you know it.”

“Ok, but if there are any new developments, call me. I’m not fucking around. I don’t want you dealing with any of his shit alone.”

Yeah, right. That’s why you ran off to New York, Justin silently thought.

“I will,” he voiced out loud instead, opting to hold his thoughts to himself.

“Good. Later.”

“Later.”

Justin hung up the phone.

Lizzy bounced into the room twirling. “It’s the most BEAUTIFUL dress EVER!” she shouted holding up the corners to her new dress.

Justin had taken her shopping the day before to buy a dress for her to wear to the school dance. A boy had asked her to go. Actually, several boys did. She truly was very popular, and she’d only been at the school a few weeks. It wasn’t that she was the prettiest girl in the school, though she was very pretty, it was simply her personality. She was bubbly, smart, and irresistibly charming.

Lizzy begged Justin to let her go, and of course he said yes. He didn’t even mention it to Brian fearing he would object until he met the boy, and Justin knew that would be a big mistake.

Brian was the typical overbearing father figure when it came to Lizzy. He didn’t know how to deal with young girls, never having dealings with them. Not even when he was young himself, since he was gay and did not have much interest in them. He had no frame of reference when it came to raising children, especially young girls, whereas Justin grew up in a house with his younger sister. As it was, he had to convince Brian to place Lizzy in the public school and not send her to the private all girls school he wanted to put her in. Lizzy swore eternal gratitude to Justin for saving her from that fate.

“Oh My God! Girl, you put Audrey Hepburn to shame!” Emmett said all misty eyed.

Lizzy laughed. “I’m so pretty!” she said with such innocent glee it pulled at Justin’s heartstrings.

“Yes, you are. So when am I going to meet this boy?” Justin said wiping his hand and coming around the kitchen counter to hug her.

“He’s coming by tomorrow after school if that’s alright.”

Justin nodded. The boy was a senior, Lizzy was just a sophomore. She was sixteen, almost seventeen, but was absent so much from school she was held back a grade. Jagger, however, was thirteen and on a tenth grade level, two grades ahead of where he should be, EVEN having missed so much school.

Jagger, according to his old school, had an IQ of 160. Being too smart was a bad thing for some kids. It was the same with Brian. With all his troubled past, he was always a straight A student all the way through college, yet he hardly had to study at all. School bored him, and apparently it bored Jagger as well, which left them to their own devious devices. Some of which both were paying for, still.

“Oh, can I be here to meet him!” Emmett said excitedly.

“No,” Justin said with a devious smile. “We don’t want to scare the boy off.”

Lizzy playfully slapped Justin. “That’s just mean, (cousin) Justin! Of course you can meet him, Emmett.”

Emmett stuck his tongue out at Justin in triumph.

“Ring. Ring.”

The phone chimed again and Justin went to answer it.

“Hello?”

“Mr. Taylor?”

“Yes, this is Mr. Taylor.”

“Mr. Taylor, this is Miss Simenon from White Deer Rehabilitation Center. I’m afraid we have a problem with your ward, Jagger O’Hara.”

Justin pinched the bridge of his nose, a habit he picked up from Brian. “What kind of problem?”

“I think it’s best if you come down to the center so we can discuss it.”

“I’ll be there as soon as I can.”

“Thank you. I shall see you soon then.” The woman then hung up.

“Is it Jagger?” Lizzy asked, fear and sadness in her voice.

Justin smiled over at her. “Yes. But don’t worry. It will be fine. You know he’s just having a hard time adjusting.” Justin tried to reassure her knowing how concerned she was about her brother.

“Go, I’ll stay with the kids,” Emmett offered.

“Thanks, Em,”  Justin said then turned back to Lizzy. “Promise me you won’t worry,” he said taking her into his arms for a hug.

Lizzy rubbed her cheek against his chest. “I always worry about him. I can’t help it.”

Justin sighed and pulled back. “He has family now who can take care of him.”

Lizzy smiled up at him. “I know. Can I go with you?”

“No. Stay here and help your Aunty Em,” Justin said cheekily, trying to lighten the mood.

Lizzy laughed.

Emmett huffed. “Hell, honey, I make a HELL of an Aunt!” he said flipping his hair.

Justin rolled his eyes and grabbed his coat. He really didn’t need it though; the weather had improved dramatically the past few days. Spring was finally here, thank God. Time for new beginnings.

He got into his Audi and headed towards White Deer. This was the third time this week he was called, and it was only Tuesday.

Something had to be done, and it was about time he did it. Contrary to what Brian or anyone else might think, Brian wasn’t the only person who could handle Jagger. Justin had a lot of experience dealing with Brian over the years. He was an expert on the “Kinney” operating manual, and he was going to use that same manual to deal with Jagger.

Jagger was a mini version of Brian, and if there was anyone who knew Brian better then he knew himself, it was Justin.

Who better then to handle Jagger?

 

***
 

“It’s really non-negotiable, Mr. Taylor. At this point, we are at a loss of what to do. It is too dangerous to have him here any longer. You must take him home today,” Miss Simenon said.

Justin nodded his head in agreement. This last incident was really too much, he could not argue the point with her.

“I understand. Is he ready?”

“Yes, he’s waiting for you in the rec room. His things are packed,” she said and rose from her chair behind her desk.

Justin rose as well and approached her, hand extended.

“I’m so sorry for all the trouble he’s caused. Thank you for trying. I guess you can’t save them all,” Justin said shaking her hand. He saw her stiffen at his comment. It was meant to sting a bit. He was glad she caught the insult.

This was a fucking rehab center after all. What did they expect? Angels?

Jagger had caused trouble, and yes, this last incident was serious. He and some of the other residents broke out last night and got drunk before returning. Of course Jagger was the ringleader.

He understood why the center didn’t want him there. Jagger was too big an influence on the other residents, and threatened their impeccable reputation. White Deer touted themselves as the only rehabilitation center in the State that had a 100% success rate.

Jagger just ruptured that statistic, and Justin felt a certain satisfaction in pointing that out. This place was bullshit. It was overpriced and overhyped in his opinion. Of course they had a 100% success rate; they threw anyone out who challenged it.

Miss Simenon chose to refrain from responding to the insult, and instead led him to the rec room. She took her keys out and unlocked the door.

“Good luck to you both,” she said, leaving the two alone.

Justin looked at Jagger who sat in the middle of the room with his one suitcase on the floor by his side. The boy looked angry, and very hurt.

“I guess it’s time you came home, Jagger.”

Jagger snorted. “Home? That’s a fucking joke. I’m not clean and Brian said he didn’t want a junkie in his house,” he spat venomously at Justin.

Justin cringed at the resentful tone. This wasn’t about getting thrown out of rehab, no, Jagger’s rage was aimed directly at Brian.

“Yes, he did. So I guess we’re going to have to get you clean before he comes home, which is only 5 days away.”

“Oh, so now it’s “we”, is it? Well fuck you.” He saw Justin’s eyebrows rise. “Yeah, yeah, I know. I’m not allowed to talk to you that way, orders from his fucking highness. Tell you what, just sign me out and I’ll be out of your hair. I told him fucking rehab was a joke.” Jagger said that last part under his breath and more to himself.

Justin eyed the boy. He was so full of hurt it tore at Justin’s heart, but he knew better than to show it to Jagger. No, Jagger was like Brian in so many ways. Show him anything that even hinted of pity and he’d rebel so fast your head would spin. No, Justin had to handle Jagger like he would handle Brian.

He walked over to him and placed his hands on the arms of the chair. He leaned in and glared at Jagger.

“Let’s get this straight, ok? You are coming home with me, that’s non negotiable. Your sister and two cousins are at the house and TOGETHER we are ALL going to help you dry out. It will be extremely difficult and painful. But you WILL do it. And do you know why?”

Jagger glared at him. “No, but I’m sure you’re going to tell me.”

“Because once you’re clean, you can tell your arrogant asshole of a cousin to go FUCK himself, on your terms. You would have proven that you could handle things on your own. Without fucking rehab and without his help! Then, if you want to go, at least he’ll know that you’re perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. So you see, you will get clean, if for no other reason than to prove Brian wrong, and throw it in his face.”

Jagger’s eyes narrowed. He knew he was being played. But Justin was right. Getting himself clean would prove his cousin wrong. And that would give Jagger great satisfaction. Brian had promised him he would help him, yet where was he? He didn’t come once to see him in rehab, in two fucking weeks! Just like Eliana didn’t come and help them. The people he thought really gave a fuck about him just ended up disappointing him. Starting with his mother, then their social worker, and now his cousin.

He could trust no one; depend on no one but himself. Yeah, the more he thought about it, Justin was right. He’d get clean on his own terms, and then when he walked out he could take Lizzy with him.

Jagger reached down and picked up his suitcase. He stared at Justin. “Well? What the fuck are you waiting for? Let’s go. The sooner we get going, the sooner you can take pleasure in watching me vomit my guts up for the next few days” he said then walked past Justin.

Justin sighed. He wondered briefly if Brian was ever that insecure. The kid really thought no one gave a shit about him. He knew instinctively that Jagger believed he wasn’t worthy of love. That he didn’t deserve it. It was such a Brian trait, how could he miss it?

He followed Jagger out of the center and they got in his car. They were silent on the ride home.

Justin used the time to devise a plan to get Jagger sober. He would need to enlist the help of the family. That included Lizzy, Peter, Johnny, and Rena. This was a family problem, and Justin was determined that they would all deal with it, as a family. The kids all knew where Jagger was, and why. Now they would be instrumental in helping Jagger get better.

It would be a bonding experience for them all. They were family, and it was time they started operating like one.

 

***
 

“Peter, get up!” Johnny nudged Peter as he lay sleeping in his bed. The boys shared a bedroom on the second floor of Tremont.

Jagger’s room was two bedrooms down from theirs. Justin put him in the one with the adjourning bathroom and kitchen that was meant for the nanny. Lizzy’s room was at the far end.

Peter growled sleepily and rolled over. “What the fuck?”

“Jagger’s throwing up again.”

Peter sat up in bed and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. “Where’s Justin?”

“He’s downstairs sleeping on the couch. I didn’t want to wake him.”

Justin had literally been up for the past three days with Jagger helping him through his withdrawal. Peter didn’t think he slept once during that whole time.

“Shit, is Lizzy still asleep?”

Johnny shrugged his shoulders. She probably was. She had stayed up almost as long as Justin did for the past few days. They all had thought Jagger was past the worse of it. He was able to hold down some soup earlier that evening and finally drifted off into what appeared to be peaceful sleep just hours ago.

Peter pushed his blanket aside and got up out of bed.

“Should I go get Lizzy?” Johnny asked.

“No, let her sleep. I’ll handle this.”

Peter didn’t want Lizzy disturbed. She’d been going through hell since Jagger started having withdrawal symptoms. Peter could only imagine the anguish she must be experiencing witnessing her brother suffer so. They all were emotionally exhausted, but none more than Lizzy or Justin.

When Justin came home three days earlier with Jagger in tow, explaining how they were all going to help Jagger ‘detox’, he was very doubtful. Rena came over and instructed them all on what to expect and what to do for him. She wanted to stay, but Justin told her they would call her if they needed her. He seemed determined that they do this on their own.

Peter had a very hard time at first helping Justin. Not because he didn’t want to help Jagger. He liked Jagger a lot, they were related after all and Jagger was kinda cool. No, Peter had a hard time being Justin’s ‘right hand’ man, as Justin called him. At first he rebelled, but then Jagger started getting sick and Peter had to help Justin. He couldn’t let him take care of Jagger by himself, he needed his help.

Lizzy was a girl, and she couldn’t do things like help Justin bathe and change Jagger's clothes when he threw up all over himself. That was a man’s job. Johnny did all he could, but he was just ten, and Justin didn’t want him too directly involved.

At Jagger’s worst, only Justin and Peter were with him. Justin would send Lizzy and Johnny to their rooms. Over the days, Peter got used to Justin being in such close proximity to him. Hell, how could he help it? Lifting Jagger, stripping the vomit soaked clothes from Jagger, bathing Jagger, all required very close contact. Often his hands would interlock with Justin’s so they could lift Jagger, in and out of the tub, or his bed. It amazed Peter how comfortable he was starting to feel with Justin, when just a few days ago, the thought of touching him sent him into a panic. Was it just a few days? Man it seemed like a lifetime ago.

“Johnny, go downstairs and get some bottled water for Jagger.”

“Why should I go downstairs? There’s bottled water in the mini fridge in his room.”

“Just fucking do what I say, ok!”

Peter didn’t know what he would find when he walked into Jagger’s room and he didn’t want Johnny freaking out on him seeing their cousin on the floor covered in vomit. Well at least it wouldn’t look like blood this time. He had eaten some soup. When Jagger didn’t eat, he would have nothing to vomit up but black vile that looked like blood. It freaked Peter out the first time he saw it, even though Rena had warned them about it. Peter was pretty proud of himself though, he didn’t flinch as he helped Justin clean Jagger up that time.

“Fine!” Johnny pouted and left. 'They never let him help Jagger when he was really sick. Didn’t they know he was old enough?' he thought angrily as he stomped down the stairs.

Once Johnny was out of sight, Peter entered Jagger's room and closed the door behind him. He could hear Jagger retching in the bathroom as he walked towards it.

Jagger sat on the floor; his head resting against the porcelain bowl, sweat pouring down his face. Peter immediately went to him and knelt beside him.
 

“Dude, you made it to the bowl this time.”

Jagger tried to laugh but didn’t have the strength. He was tired. Too fucking tired. He wanted it all to end. He could handle being sick, but the depression, oh God, the depression was horrific. He felt like there was a black, empty spot deep inside of him. A loneliness that was so unbearable, he just wanted to die.

The last few days were a true revelation for him.

Lizzy was happy. It was what he always wanted for her, what he LIVED for, only he didn’t anticipate that it wouldn’t be him who’d provide that happiness for her. She found it here, in his cousin’s house, and without him. She didn’t need him, and Jagger could find no reason at this point why he should go on.

Peter took a washcloth from the linen closet and wet it. He ran it across Jagger’s forehead. “Better?”

Jagger did manage to laugh at that. Bitterly. Better? What the fuck was better? Would he ever know ‘better’ ever again? His mind was wandering, his thoughts erratic.

Peter didn’t like the sound of Jagger’s laugh. He put his hands underneath Jagger's arms and tried to lift him, when a voice boomed from the bathroom door.

“Leave him be,” Brian said to his nephew.

Peter turned stunned eyes towards Brian. He saw Justin standing behind him wearing a very worried expression.

“Uncle Brian, he’s better, honestly. I just need to get him into bed,” Peter said as he kept his hold on Jagger.

For some reason, he was very afraid of what was going to happen now that Brian was home. He knew Justin didn’t tell Brian what they were doing. He had hoped, they ALL had hoped, Jagger would be over his withdrawals by the time Brian came home. Rena said he would be, but then again, Brian wasn’t supposed to come home until Sunday. It was only Friday.

Brian’s features softened as he entered the bathroom. He leaned down and pulled Jagger out of Peter’s embrace.

“It’s all right, Peter. You can let go now. Justin tells me he could have never handled this without your help. Thank you, ” Brian said lifting Jagger in his arms.

Jagger didn’t struggle. He simply did not have the strength, Brian noted.

“You’ve showed such maturity. Your mother would be proud,” Brian whispered.

Peter blushed at the compliment. He never thought the day would come when he’d appreciate; no more than that, ‘want’ Brian’s approval. “Thanks, Uncle Bri.”

Brian smiled at him and walked out of the bathroom. He placed Jagger on his bed then turned back to Peter.

“You can go back to bed. I’m home now, you all can rest. Go on, Johnny’s in there waiting for you.”

Peter looked to Justin for his permission; Justin nodded his head towards the door. Peter left the two men in the room with Jagger.

Brian witnessed the exchanged with raised eyebrows. So much had changed in the time he was gone.

Brian sighed looking down at his frail cousin. He had drifted off to sleep, for the moment. A cold uneasy feeling of ‘déjà vu’ filled Brian.

“Is he?” he asked out loud, his eyes still fixated on Jagger.

Justin knew what he was asking. He was asking if Peter was right. Was Jagger getting better?

“Yes, and no. Physically, he’s getting there, emotionally, we’re losing him,” Justin answered honestly.

Brian turned angry eyes on Justin.



He had come home unexpectedly just an hour ago. He had a bad feeling something was wrong, so he took an earlier flight home.

He and Gus entered the house to find Justin sleeping on the couch. The minute he saw Justin, he knew in his gut something was terribly wrong. Gus was very tired from the flight, and the late hour, but the minute he saw his “Jussin” he automatically ran to him and woke him up before Brian could stop him.

Needless to say, Justin was shocked to see them. Brian patiently held back from his interrogation until they had Gus settled in his bed on the second floor. They checked in on all the kids, and everyone was sleeping peacefully. At the time anyway.

They came back downstairs and Justin filled him in on what had been going on. Brian was furious that Justin decided to take matters into his own hands without consulting him. They were arguing that very point when Johnny came down the stairs.

“This could have been avoided,” he growled at Justin.

Justin held his stare. “No, it couldn’t. And you know that. You’ve been avoiding it for too long as it is.” Justin knew he was being harsh on Brian, but it was time Brian dealt with the situation.

Brian sighed and sat on the edge of the bed. He buried his face in his hands.

“I can’t lose him. Not again,” Brian said into his hands.

Justin went to him and sat down on the bed beside him. He understood Brian’s words all too clearly and they chilled him.

This wasn’t just about Jagger, it was about him, or more accurately, the young boy in him he wasn’t able to save all those years ago.

“You won’t. You are the only one who can reach him. And you will. You won’t fail because you can’t. You are older, wiser and better prepared.” Justin paused for a moment; a worried frown marred his brow.

“Brian… He’s not you. Remember that,” Justin said and kissed the side of Brian’s neck.

“If you need me, I’ll be in Gus’s room, just down the hall.” He got up and left, leaving Brian alone with Jagger.
 

Brian panicked the minute Justin left the room.

He never felt so unsure, so vulnerable in his whole life. Not even as a kid when he was in the same position as Jagger. He remembered all too well the Hell Jagger was going through. A Hell he managed to bury, but now had resurfaced. A Hell, they both were going to have to face, together.

Jagger stirred in the bed. “Lizzy…” he called out.

Brian crawled up on the bed and lay down beside Jagger, pulling his back up against his chest.

“Shhh.. I’m here. Lizzy is fine. She’s resting. Go back to sleep,” Brian said and tightened his hold.

Jagger’s body went rigid. He turned in Brian’s arms, and forced himself to focus.

Brian held the boy's stare as he watched them come to life.

“Fuck you,” Jagger finally said.

Brian smiled. “Yeah, I deserve that.”

Jagger abruptly sat up in bed and immediately regretted it. His stomach lurched from the sudden movement.

“Easy,” Brian said sitting up with him.

Jagger took several calming breaths in before turning to Brian. “I don’t want you here.”

“Yeah, I know that too. But I’m not going anywhere.”

Jagger turned cold eyes on him. “You fucking left me.” His voice was dead calm.

Brian flinched at all the accusations laced in that one sentence. “I know, I’m sorry.”

“Sorry’s bullshit,” Jagger said.

“Yeah, you’re right about that too. It doesn’t help a fucking thing. I just wanted you to hear it, because it’s true. I should have never left you alone in that place. Truth is, I couldn’t face myself.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?”

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to ward off the migraine he knew was coming.

“Someone I loved very much got sick and died when I was your age. And no amount of tricking or drugs could save him, or me, from the pain of it. I failed him, and my sister, Rena. I couldn’t handle the grief, the loneliness.” Brian paused, his emotions stopping him from continuing.

Jagger’s heart skipped a beat when he heard Brian talk about the ‘loneliness.’ That was the worst, he knew and apparently his cousin knew that too. That feeling of being completely alone, unwanted, unloved.

Brian turned to look at his cousin and saw a reflection of that sad, hurt little boy he was so many years ago. Tears seeped out of his eyes without his notice.

“Jagger…” his voice cracked a bit. “You’re not alone,” he said reaching out to him.

Jagger pulled away. “NOOOO!” he yelled and jumped off the bed. “You tricked me! You lied to me! You stole her from me!” he screamed a bit hysterically.

Brian opened his mouth to speak but no words came out.

Jagger threw his arms up. “You don’t even fucking deny it!” he said incredulously.

Brian shook his head. “Wait, what the fuck are you talking about?” he asked standing up to face his cousin.

“MY SISTER, ASSHOLE! Lizzy doesn’t need me anymore! You took that away from me, you bastard!” Jagger screeched and attacked Brian. He started punching him with all his might, but was too weak for his actions to have any effect.

Brian let him vent for a bit before grabbing his wrists so the boy wouldn’t hurt himself. “Jesus, Jagger, don’t you know you can never lose Lizzy?”

Jagger broke down and started crying. Brian held him to his chest. The boy resisted at first, but Brian held on tight until he relented and sank into him.

“You really have so little faith in your own sister? Do you honestly think I could keep her here without you?”

Jagger's sobs subsided at Brian’s words. He pushed away from him and glared. “You already have.”

Brian snorted. “Please. And here I thought you were smarter than that. Ok, you need proof? Go. Go tell her you’re leaving. How much you want to bet she’ll be packing her bags the second the words leave your mouth.”

Jagger looked at him, confusion evident in his gaze. “But she’s happy here.”

Brian’s heart clenched. He knew exactly what Jagger was feeling. Why would Lizzy choose him over the life she’d found with them? A life of security and love, a life Jagger could never provide for her. It was the exact same feeling he had when he had let Rena go live with Viv. He hated having to do that, but he knew he couldn’t give her the life that Viv could. He didn’t deserve her, and she deserved so much more.

“Jagger, listen to me, are you listening?” Brian grabbed Jagger by the shoulders and held him tight.

Jagger nodded his head, though his whole body was on alert.

“I KNOW how you feel. I had to let my sister go when I was about your age. Our brother died, by his own father’s hands, and I had to take Rena away before he destroyed her as well. I knew I couldn’t give her the life she deserved, so I sent her to live with her Aunt. I thought it was the right thing to do. And maybe it was, I’m not sure, but you know what? We both suffered because of it, and eventually she found her way back to me. We have a bond that can’t be broken, ever. She will always love me. Just as Lizzy will always love you, and you her. Listen to me! YOU ARE LOVED! No one can break the bond you two have,” Brian said then shook Jagger for effect. “NO ONE, EVER.”

Jagger looked away from Brian. He heard the truth of his words, and that terrible, terrible thing crept back in him. Hope. It was a killer, and he didn’t want any part of it.

Brian saw he was losing him. “Jagger, please, don’t leave me…I need you,” he said with a sincerity that could not be faked.

Jagger heard it, and responded to it. He brought his head back around to look at Brian. “Why?”

“Because I can’t fuck up again,” he answered truthfully. He was leaving himself open to Jagger, letting him see the truth and vulnerability in his words.

Jagger raised his hands and placed them on Brian’s shoulders.

“Yeah well, I don’t think that’s possible, cuz. Fucking up seems to run in our family.”

Brian didn’t expect the witty response. He laughed and pulled Jagger in for a hug.

Jagger let him hug him.

“So you’ll stay here with us?”

“Yeah, for Lizzy’s sake.”

Brian hugged him tighter, a relieved sigh escaped him.

“Fuck,” Jagger cursed as a wave of nausea hit him.

Brian saw it coming. He turned him around quickly and dragged him into the bathroom, but not before Jagger threw up on his Gucci shoes.

“Ok, now that’s disgusting,” Brian said holding Jagger's head over the bowl.

Jagger finished throwing up and wiped his mouth on Brian’s pants.

“Arrgggghhh!” Brian screeched.

“Fucking queen,” Jagger said, mirth laced in his tired voice.

“Brat,” Brian threw back smiling.

Jagger stood up and went to the sink. He splashed some water on his face then looked up in the mirror.

There, standing behind him, he saw an older image of himself. The two cousins stared at each other. One seeing his future, the other his past.

And both were at peace with what they saw.

Brian helped Jagger back to bed and stayed with him all night long.

Morning came bringing with it promise and hope.

Yes, that horrible dreadful thing, hope. Only this time, both Brian and Jagger welcomed it.

 

Return to Before There Was You, There Was You