Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 72

“The distinction between the past, present and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion”

~ Albert Einstein

 

***

Cross Roads Juvenile Detention Center - Where bad kids went to get worse.

Brian shook his head at the absurdity of it all. What were the odds that he’d be standing in this same holding room, looking at the same puke green block walls some seventeen years later?

His stomach churned as memories of that time came crashing in on him. He was fifteen, strung out and living on the streets. He cursed, remembering how he had fucked up by overdosing one night, which consequently landed him here, in Cross Roads.

He was usually very careful, but that night he slipped and it cost him, big time. The doctors at the emergency room thought it was an attempted suicide but they couldn’t have been more wrong.

What he told Justin when he came out of his coma was the truth. Death was easy, living was hard.

His drugging, drinking and hooking were all forms of self-flagellation, starting at the ripe old age of thirteen; the same age as Jagger. He was so guilt ridden over what happened to Andy and Rena that he felt the need to punish himself. Many times he yearned for death, the pain was that great, and then he’d remind himself that he didn’t deserve to die. He deserved to suffer.

Abusing himself to the point of almost dying, then bringing himself back before he actually completed the feat was an art form Brian had perfected. He was proud of his skill until that one fateful night when he screwed up. The trip to the emergency room was nothing in itself; it was the shitload of drugs the cops found on him that got him tossed into Cross Roads.

He got one phone call and he used it wisely. He called Vic.

Vic came but couldn’t get him out, which was fine by Brian. The alternative was to have Jack bail him out. As far as Brian was concerned, that wasn’t an option, but Vic had promised him that if he called Jack to bail him out, Brian could live with him and Deb.

Looking back it was a pivotal turning point in his life

Brian agreed, and Vic was true to his word. He lived with the Novotnys for almost two years, finishing high school, before he moved out and went to college.

During that time, Deb and Vic convinced Brian to “get off the cross” as Vic put it. He said someone needed the wood.

Vic was right. It was either get it over with already, or move on. Brian chose to move on. In his own way.

“Jesus, this place is awful,” Justin said breaking into Brian’s thoughts.

“You could say that,” Brian said without emotion. He vividly remembered exactly how awful this place was. He felt a twinge of sympathy for Jagger having to spend a night here.

Justin looked over at Brian suspiciously, noting that he’d had very little to say since they arrived.

Brian had told him on the flight over about his stint at Cross Roads. He knew being here again after all this time must be causing havoc on Brian’s emotions. Justin mused how cruelly ironic it was that Jagger would get thrown into the same detention center that Brian did seventeen years earlier.

“Stop pacing. I’m fine,” Brian said reading Justin’s body language. The boy was always too worried about him.

“I know you’re fine. I’m just wondering what’s taking so long,” Justin said, trying to hide his concern from Brian, knowing it was futile. Brian was always onto him.

Brian pulled a rickety chair away from the scarred wooden table that sat in the middle of the dank room and sat down. “Paperwork.” He ran his hands through his hair, letting out a long breath.

Justin frowned. Fuck, Brian was anything but fine. Just as Brian was always onto him, he was always onto Brian. Brian was repressing some pretty strong emotions right now and Justin had no idea how to deal with him. This was an area in Brian’s mind that was still closed off to him.

Though they had talked about his past and his time on the streets, Brian never went into detail. He kept those memories locked up. He never shared them with anyone, not Rena, nor Mikey. Justin never pressured him to talk about it. He knew better. Brian would talk about it when, and if, he was ready.

As it was, he’d never told Justin the details about the night Andy died. Even Rena didn’t know. She walked in on the end. Justin wondered what happened in those moments before Brian freed his brother from his suffering. What was said between the two brothers? What were Andy’s last words? What was Brian feeling?

There would always be memories that were just too agonizing for Brian to reveal. Like the pain and guilt he felt over losing both his brother and sister at such a young age, and under such gruesome circumstances. Pain that was so excruciating it sent him on a path of self-destruction.

He shuddered to think what other horror’s Brian experienced while living on the streets that had landed him in this place.

A guard suddenly entered the room startling Justin. “Social worker is here with the kid’s sister. She’s asking to see you.”

Brian shrugged his shoulders. “Fine.” Might as well get it over with he thought. Better they know now that he intended to sign them back over to the state relinquishing all his rights and responsibilities. He was just here to get the kid out of Juvi and then he would be a ward of the state again. They would have to place them in another foster home. If the kid got locked up again, it wouldn’t be Brian’s problem.

The guard turned his head and yelled gruffly, “Come on in.”

A young girl burst through the door, brushing aside the guard in her haste. Her tumultuous entrance jarred Brian a bit. The girl radiated a nervous energy that was tangible. She was visibly breathless and disheveled. Brian raised an eyebrow at her. For someone so slight of form, and soft in features, she had huge presence.

She was a pretty girl of average height, standing maybe 5’5” with long blonde hair and skinny legs. Her features were soft yet incongruous with her intense, stark blue eyes that were currently glazed over with panic.

Brian got up and moved to stand by Justin.

She frantically looked back and forth from Brian to Justin before fixing her gaze on Brian.

Brian stiffened at what he saw in the depths of her stare. She recognized him. But how could that be? He never met this girl before in his life, yet she was looking at him as if she ‘knew’ him.

Then suddenly, the panic in her eyes vanished only to be replaced by another emotion. One more disconcerting. A look ‘he’ recognized. It was the same look Justin often cast upon him.

Complete trust.

“Cousin Brian!” she cried out and ran into his arms.

Brian instinctively opened his arms to receive her.

“Oh, Cousin Brian, I KNEW you would come!” she said sobbing into his chest.

Brian looked up over the girl’s head to the woman standing behind her.

“As you can see, we’re very glad you’re here, Mr. Kinney. I’m Eliana Banks, the children’s social worker, and this is Ms. Lizzy O’Hara. Your cousin.”

Brian held onto the girl as she cried into his Prada jacket. He rubbed her back soothingly. When her tears subsided a bit, he gently pulled her away from him and looked down into her wide, watery eyes.

His heart clenched and in that instant, he knew he was fucked. He sighed and looked over at Justin who was watching him with a satisfied smile playing on his lips. Great. Two fucking blondes in his life now to torture him, he thought. At this point though he knew better than to fight it.

“I’m sorry, Cousin Brian, I didn’t mean to ruin your suit,” Lizzy said as she tried to dry the wet spot on Brian’s jacket with her sleeve.

Brian gently grabbed her wrist to stop her attempts. She was just making it worse. How the fuck did she know he was so particular about his clothes?

“Lizzy? Is that short for Elizabeth?”

Lizzy let out a small laugh that was so fucking charming, Brian mentally cringed. God he was in trouble.

“No, it’s for Thin Lizzy, the band. Our mother was very much into old rock bands. Jagger is named after Mick Jagger of the Rolling Stones.”

“Ah, how…creative,” Brian said at a loss to say anything else.

“Cousin Brian, please don’t be mad at Jagger!” Lizzy’s eyes suddenly grew panicked again.

“Shh…I’m not mad at anyone, Lizzy. We have our lawyer working on getting him released. Everything will be fine.” Brian tried to reassure the girl but looked over at the kid’s social worker.

“I just spoke to the Supervisor on duty, there was a bit of a confrontation, but it’s settled now. He should be here shortly.”

Brian narrowed his eyes. Confrontation. He could just imagine. He turned his attention back to Lizzy.

“I’d like you to meet my partner, Lizzy,” Brian said holding his hand out to Justin.

Justin came forward and took Brian’s hand. Lizzy noticed the two men were wearing matching bracelets.

“Lizzy, this is Justin. Justin, this, apparently, is my cousin Lizzy.”

Justin smiled his million-watt smile at the girl and opened his arms to her. She smiled back almost as brilliantly Brian noted, and rushed into them.

“Does this mean you’re my cousin, too?” she asked squeezing Justin tight.

Justin laughed. “Yes, that is exactly what it means.”

Lizzy squealed in delight. She squeezed him one more time then drew back and took both Justin and Brian’s hands into her own.

“Finally, family,” she said quietly looking up reverently at both men.

Brian shook his head. “Lizzy, how did you know it was me when you first walked in? I saw instant recognition in your eyes and as far as I know, we’ve never met.”

Lizzy looked at him and tilted her head. “I gather you haven’t met Jagger yet, have you?”
 

Brian gave her a confused look. What did that have to do with anything? Just when he was about to voice that question, there was a loud commotion at the door.

“I said, get your filthy fucking hands off of me!” the young boy snarled at the guard and pulled away from him with such force he stumbled forward, landing on his hands and knees right in front of Brian.

The kid looked back at the offending guard and cursed, “Cocksucker.”

The guard in question laughed. “Well you’re in the perfect position for that,” he said then looked up at Brian. “There is some paper work for you to sign at the front desk then the little prick is all yours.” He left before Brian could respond.

The guard that escorted Eliana and Lizzy in just shrugged and followed the other guard out.

Brian looked down at the boy at his feet and froze.

“Oh…MY…GOD!” Justin said in a shocked voice that echoed Brian’s thoughts.

“Brian he looks exactly like…”

“Me…” Brian finished the sentence for Justin.

The gangly boy with the auburn hair and hazel eyes was the exact image of Brian at that age. Justin saw the uncanny resemblance from the picture Brian had of Brian, Rena and Andy when they were kids.

The boy stood up and faced this ‘older’ version of himself and snorted caustically not knowing what the two men were gawking at.

“What the fuck? It’s just a little blood,” he said wiping his mouth with his sleeve.

It was then that both Justin and Brian saw the swollen lip. Brian’s eyes grew dark. “Who did that to you?”

The boy laughed. “And you care, why?”

Justin sucked his breath in. “Ok, this is just tooo fucking weird!”

Brian quirked his eyebrow up. “I’ll ask you one more time. Who did that to you?” he repeated without flinching.

The boy looked at Lizzy. “Please don’t tell me this asshole is our cousin!”

“Jagger, knock it off! He just saved your ass, the least you can do is be civil!”

Jagger cursed again. The kid had a filthy mouth.

“Ok, everyone, OUT!” Brian roared.

Justin grabbed Lizzy by the hand and headed towards the door.

“Wait, I just can’t leave him!” Lizzy tried to pull away.

Justin turned to his newly found cousin with sympathetic eyes. “Lizzy, you’re just going to have to trust Brian now.”

She hesitated for a moment, then nodded her head and followed Justin out.

“I’ll assume then that you’re taking the children with you?” Eliana, the children’s social worker asked.

Brian threw her an ominous look. “For now.”

She smiled and left the room, leaving Brian alone with his new ward.

Jagger faced Brian, arms folded across his chest and glared at him.

Brian circled the boy slowly as if inspecting him.

Jagger gave Brian a deadly look. “Don’t even think it.”

“What are you on, and how did you get it?” Brian asked when he had finally come face to face with the boy again.

“Why, you want some?” Jagger said with a smirk that was all too familiar.

“If I did, who would I have to blow? The same guard you did?”

That shook the kid a bit Brian noticed with his own satisfied smirk. “Well, at least we’re clear on that. So why the swollen lip? Deal gone bad?” Brian asked.

“You tell me, seems you got some personal knowledge of how things operate.”

“If I were to guess, I’d say it’s because you spit his cum in his face as a bit of revenge, since you’re obviously straight and hate having to suck cock to get your fix,” Brian candidly and brutally summarized.

Jagger’s face went white. NO one had ever spoken so honestly, and with such insight to him before in his life.

“Who the fuck are you?”

“Someone who’s been exactly where you are. So what’s your poison?”

Jagger shrugged but answered honestly, “Mostly black beauties.”

Brian nodded. It was not surprising. Those little babies could make you forget your own fucking name. Seemed like his little cousin had a lot he wanted to forget.

“And how long?”

“Long enough to know I don’t want to go too long without them,” Jagger again replied honestly.

Brian nodded again in understanding. “And what about Lizzy?”

Jagger’s drugged eyes grew dark. “YOU stay the fuck away from Lizzy or I’ll cut your fucking balls off!” he said a little too bravely to be believable. The boy was scared shitless. But not for himself, for his sister.

Brian smiled. And there it was. Leverage.

“Unfortunately, that’s not an option. I’m taking Lizzy back home with me. She’s my responsibility now.”

“Over my dead body! Lizzy is my responsibility!” Jagger said through clenched teeth.

“Yes, I see how well you are taking care of her. Perhaps I should leave her with you. But tell me. What do you think will happen to her the next time you land in jail? Do you trust whatever foster family she’s with to take care of her? Or maybe you intend to put her on the streets with you, teaching her how to take care of herself, just like you take care of yourself.”

“Fuck YOU!” Jagger spat at him.

Brian leaned forward and glared into Jagger’s eyes.

“No, FUCK YOU! You little selfish prick. It’s a miracle that Lizzy is still an innocent! I intend to make sure she stays that way! Now you have two choices. You can stay here and continue on in your current pathetic little life, or come home with us. Either way, LIZZY IS COMING WITH ME. If you are worried about how I’ll take care of her, then I suggest you come along. If you don’t, I promise you, you’ll never see her again.”

Jagger heard the threat but held Brian’s furious stare, never flinching. Several minutes went by before he responded. “Fine. I’ll come with you.”

“One condition. When we get back home, you go into rehab. Minimum three weeks to dry out. I’ll not have a junkie living in my house,” Brian said, setting the terms.

The kid was hooked on those little pills, he needed detoxing and it would be much easier in a facility where he could be monitored than in a dark room, all alone, sweating and throwing up for days, thinking you’re dying like Brian did when he was a kid.

“Fucking rehab is a joke. Do you think that’s going to cure me?” Jagger laughed sarcastically.

Brian knew it wouldn’t. It didn’t cure him; all it did was teach him to curb his cravings. He continued to use drugs way into his adult years. Only recently had he truly taken control of his addictions.

The only ‘cure’ was having people around you that cared, or more importantly, letting those people in. Brian got hold of his addiction only recently, and it was because he had let Justin in. As pathetically twisted as it sounded, the truth was, love did cure all. In time, he hoped Jagger would feel that love. He knew if there was one person he’d let in, it was Lizzy.

“No, it won’t cure you, but it’s a start. Where you go from there, is your choice.”

Jagger quirked an eyebrow at Brian. “Promise me you’ll take care of Lizzy.”

“I promise,” Brian said without hesitation. “I also promise to take care of you. If you let me.”

Brian could see vulnerability and hope flash across Jagger’s eyes, but then it disappeared as quickly as it appeared.

The kid was full of hurt and desperation. It took all of Brian’s will not to turn away from the kid. He was looking straight into a mirror, seeing the reflection of his past. All the pain, all the sorrow. It was almost unbearable.

But it was too late now. He had promised the kid. Brian went to the door to let Lizzy and Justin back in.

“Jagger, this is my partner, Justin. Justin, Jagger has agreed to come home with us.”

Justin walked over to Jagger and held his hand out.

Jagger scoffed. “Please, what do I look like? Some fucking old dude? I don’t shake hands. Unsanitary you know.”

Brian slapped Jagger upside the head. It was such a Deb move he cringed. God he was getting old.

“Rule number two, you DON’T ever disrespect my partner, or anyone in my family. You can vent all you want on me, but they are off limits, understand?” Brian said adamantly.

Jagger ducked away from Brian and rubbed his head.

“Jesus fucking Christ, alright already!” he said glaring at Brian. He then looked back at Justin who was smiling at him. Shit, the guy had a great smile.

“So, what, are you two, like, fucking gay?”

“Gay’s usually fuck, so I’d say yes, we are. Why, is that a problem?”

“Why the fuck should I care who you fuck, as long as it ain’t me, or my sister,” Jagger shot back.

“Good, then no problem.”

Justin sighed. “Jesus, Brian, I can see you two bring out the best in each other,” he said sarcastically. “Jagger, relax. You’ll love Pittsburgh, and our family. Yours and Lizzy’s new family. I promise.”

Jagger shook his head. “I doubt it.”

Adam walked into the room and smiled at Brian. “I see you met Damien here,” Adam said referring to Jagger as the demon child from the movie “The Omen”.

Justin and Lizzy laughed. Brian scowled.

“All that’s left is your signature, and these lovely children are all yours. You ready?”

Brian looked over at Justin and Lizzy. Each possessed their own special light and innocence. One the love of his life, the other a life whose love and happiness depended on him and Justin now.

Then he looked over at Jagger. He wondered if there would ever be any light or love in the kid’s life. It was a daunting task he was taking on. He fucked up his own life so badly, and he had a sick feeling he was going to fuck up Jagger’s just as bad if not careful.

Christ he must be crazy.

“No. But I’ll sign anyway,” Brian said leaving the small room, hoping he’d never have to see it or this place ever again.

With shaky hands he signed the papers giving him full custody of the children then quickly exited the building. He needed air.

Justin ushered the children out following Brian, yet staying back a bit giving Brian room to breathe.

Jagger watched as his new guardian took out a cigarette and lit it. He pulled away from Justin and walked towards him.

Justin went to stop him, but then decided against it. His instincts were telling him that perhaps Jagger was just what Brian needed to confront and, hopefully, heal his own demons from his past.

“Hey.”

Brian looked over at the boy who stood by him.

“Got another one of those?”

Brian let out a bitter laugh. He pulled out his pack and took a cigarette out. He lit it with his own before handing it to Jagger.

Already he was fucking up. Not exactly a good influence on the boy letting him smoke at thirteen.

Jagger took it and pulled in a long drag. He wasn’t a stupid boy. He could sense the extreme turmoil going on inside his cousin. Not that he gave a fuck, but he was taking Lizzy in, and from the looks of his suit, this guy had money. There was something about him, however, that Jagger liked. He trusted him to be true to his word and that was a dangerous thing.

Never trust anyone.

Jagger shivered though it wasn’t all that cold out. Every instinct he possessed was telling him that his life was about to change, and drastically. Jagger did NOT do change well. He was comfortable with the familiar.

He looked up at Brian and noticed for the first time the resemblance. Well, that answered that question. They ‘were’ related. Not that it made any difference to him but it would to Lizzy.

And that was all that ever mattered to Jagger. Lizzy. Jagger would do anything, be anything, for just the chance of her being happy. It was too late for him, he knew that, but not for Lizzy…

Brian looked back at the kid sensing his anxiety. “Look at it this way kid. You’re very lucky. You could be dead.”

Jagger laughed cynically. “That’s where you’re wrong, cuz. Death comes in many forms,” he said much too wisely for someone his age.

Brian threw his cigarette on the ground and crushed it beneath his shoe.

“Yes, it does. But so does life.”

 

***
 

Brian and Justin boarded the plane home with kids and Adam in tow. Everyone was unusually quiet.

Brian rested his head back against the cushioned seat in first class and closed his eyes. His mind drifted back to a time when he was just thirteen. His first time out. He did it for Andy, to get the drugs Andy needed. He was never so scared in his life. The face of the man who took his innocence flashed in his mind.

He groaned as if in pain and Justin automatically searched out his hand to comfort him.

Taking in Lizzy and Jagger was going to open up some old wounds for him, and create new ones for Jagger. He wondered briefly as he tried to find comfort in Justin’s touch, if either would be able to heal.

Only time would tell.

 

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