Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 67

“All I want, is all I need
You've got to take me fly and fly away
Hold me for all eternity
My love I feel for you
I wanna tell you why you make my sun shine
Brighter than a silver screen

All I want
He's all I want, he's all I need

All I want is love, but you
You've got to know that life can mean that much to me
If I have to live my life without you baby
You'll have to tell me why
Love is going to die”

~ He’s All I Want by Angelmoon

***

Justin pulled the heavy drapes back and squinted up at the blinding sun. He smiled and picked up his sketchpad.

It was Sunday, they would be back. They came every Sunday.

He sat down on the cushioned armchair near the window and picked up his coffee, black and extra sweet. He was getting used to the taste.

“Knock, Knock.”

“Come in,” Justin said looking at the clock. 7:00 a.m., right on time, as usual.

“Hey, Jus, how’s it going?” Ronald said as he entered the room.

“Beautiful day, isn’t it?” Justin said and turned his head back to look out the window. “See, they’re here again.”

Ronald went over to the window and peered out. He laughed. “So they are,” he said looking at the group of children gathered in their Sunday best.

“They come every Sunday, probably after Church,” Justin said as he watched the children duck into the alleyway. He had a good view from their window. They looked so innocent, so full of life and mischief. He wanted to capture their youthful exuberance on paper.

“Someone should report them,” Ronald said shaking his head.

“They’re just being kids, Ronald. Sneaking away after church to have a cigarette and bemoan their forced servitude to their parents’ rules.” Justin defended the children then started sketching them.

Ronald shook his head. “You’re a romantic, you know that, Sunshine?”

Justin gave him a sideward glance. “And you love to start trouble. You know he hates it when you call me that.”

Ronald looked over at the beautiful man lying in the bed. “Yeah, well when he tells me to stop, I will,” he said then went over to his patient.

“Be careful what you ask for, he’s ruthless when it comes to what he considers his. And he considers me, his,” Justin said with a sly smile.

He put his pad down and walked over to help Ronald lift Brian up.

“He had a restless night,” Justin informed Ronald in a hushed tone.

It still amused and worried Ronald that Justin continued to act as if his lover was able to hear them.

“He tell you that, too?” Ronald asked giving Justin a dubious look.

Justin raised his eyebrow. “No, that I felt,” he replied haughtily.

Ronald wisely remained silent after that and went through his morning exercise routine with his patient.

Justin made sure Brian got his workout three times a day.

And what Justin wanted, Ronald was finding out, Justin got.

He was glad he hadn’t pissed off the blond yet. He saw firsthand what happened to people who pissed him off.
 

***

Ronald was on duty when they brought Justin’s partner into the emergency room. He had lost a lot of blood and was unconscious. The story went that he was shot while defending Justin. Ronald didn’t doubt it. If the Adonis lying in the bed felt half as much for his lover as Justin felt for him, he would no doubt jump in front of a speeding train for him.

Though he never found out the real story of what had happened. All he knew was that one man was dead and another awaiting trial. Neither Justin, nor any of his family, ever talked about it.

Ronald remembered vividly the look of pure fear on Justin’s face that night. He had a death grip on the stretcher the swat team used to carry Brian in. They made an imposing image with their heavily armed camouflage gear shouting orders. It was a scene right out of some ‘Die Hard’, action flick. Fitting actually, since Brian obviously had no intentions of dying easily.

The doctors on duty shot Justin up with Valium to calm his ass, but it didn’t work.

James, the leader of the squad, was at his wits end trying to comfort Justin, yet at the same time, trying to get medical attention for the man he was carrying in his arms.

That’s when Ronald intervened. He took Justin by the arm and led him out of the way so that the doctors could work on Brian, and so James could get Emmett the medical treatment he needed. James shot him a grateful look. Of course he didn’t know their names at that time, but now he was on first name basis with the two since they visited every day.

Ronald kept assuring Justin everything was going to be all right. Yeah, right. What the fuck did he know?

The bullet had nipped an artery and Brian was losing a lot of blood, fast. The hospital didn’t have enough of his blood type on hand. His friends and family members, who were all there within minutes of their arrival, were all tested but none matched his blood type. Brian was literally bleeding out.

It was Justin who called Brian’s mother. No one else even thought of her in their panic. Justin however did, and he was more traumatized than any of them.

What a piece of work that lady was, Ronald remembered. She was so drunk, someone had to go and get her. When she arrived at the hospital, the doctors told her that she was too inebriated to give blood. She shocked them all when she snorted…

“Oh please! My son’s body wouldn’t accept anything less than 90 proof.”

At any other time, it would have been funny.

The doctors had no choice but to use her blood. It was dangerous, more for her than Brian, but she signed a consent form and gave him her blood. It was what saved him in the end.

If you could call this saved…

“Ronald is being sarcastic, Bri. I think you’re rubbing off on him.”

“And your little Sunshine here is being stubborn.”

He’d gotten used to talking to Brian as if he were awake. It was expected of him. Justin lived and breathed as if there wasn’t a thing wrong with Brian, or their relationship.

The man had been in a coma for ten weeks now, and to look at Justin, you’d think they were on some sort of vacation. Gazing around their room, he could almost understand why Justin would feel that way.

Ronald realized early on that they had very powerful friends. The whole right side of the top floor of the hospital was converted into a mini luxury apartment for the couple complete with a king size bed that looked more like a shrine, and ‘round the clock care. It was all compliments of the owner of Remington pharmaceuticals who just happened to be the fiancé of Brian’s sister.

They had the best of everything, including specialists from all over the world flying in on a weekly basis to assess Brian’s condition.

Each one gave the same diagnosis. Brian’s coma was induced by lack of blood and oxygen to the brain. There was no way of knowing if the brain would eventually repair itself or not. He may come out of the coma at any time, or never again. The good news was there was still brain activity although Brian had to be tube fed and required oxygen to breathe.

“Have you told Brian that you’ve lost more weight?” Ronald asked accusingly.

Justin shot him a warning look. “I have not. Don’t listen to him, Bri, he’s just jealous because he’s gained a few pounds since he’s been dating Helen. She’s trying to get to his heart through his stomach.”

Ronald laughed. “Ok, he’s got me there. But you DID lose more weight,” Ronald said, and then decided to take a risk. “Um, did you talk to the doctor again?”

Justin’s family had been trying to get him to see a doctor. He wasn’t eating or dealing with the situation at hand. Justin hadn’t left Brian’s side in ten weeks.

Not once.

But the most disturbing part was that Justin insisted that Brian spoke to him. He said he could ‘hear’ him. To be fair, he wasn’t totally crazy. He didn’t claim to actually hear the sound of Brian’s voice, but he claimed that they had other ways they communicated.

His mother had sent several psychiatrists in to speak with him, and each one got thrown out. One actually got banned from the hospital for the rest of their stay there.

Brian’s sister, Rena, was the only one who believed Justin communicated with Brian. She put a stop to anyone even suggesting Justin needed psychiatric help. Next to Justin, she spent the most time there. Every day, she arrived at 9:00 a.m., and left at 9:00 p.m.

They both needed shrinks in his opinion.

“I thought you liked your job, Ronald?” Justin threatened lightly as he helped Ronald with Brian’s leg lifts.

“Hey, Justin, I need my job, ok? I’m just concerned about you. You really need to eat more. Brian will not be happy when he gets up if he see’s you lost so much weight,” Ronald backpedaled.

“I understand and appreciate your concern. But we won’t be talking about doctors for me anymore, agreed?”

“Whatever you say, boss,” Ronald said finishing up with Brian’s leg exercises.

They started working on his upper body.

“Emmett’s looking good,” Ronald said changing the subject.

Justin smiled. “Yes, he is. Brian is pleased. Though he needs to stop blaming himself for…” Justin let the sentence trail off. “Yeah. He’s healing nicely.”

Ronald nodded his head. It was always the same when the events of that night came up. Justin shut himself off.

“That fancy brain specialist is coming today from Switzerland. You must be excited about that.” Ronald once again changed the subject.

Justin sighed. “Actually, all these doctors are starting to piss Brian off. He’ll wake up when he’s ready.”

Ronald frowned. He wished he and Helen communicated as well as Justin did with his comatose lover.

There was another knock at the door.

“Come in.”

The nurse entered with Brian’s feeding tube. “Good morning, Mr. Taylor. And how is our patient doing today?” she asked looking at Brian.

Justin frowned. “He’s been a bit restless.”

The nurse nodded and smiled indulgently. Ronald groaned. If Justin caught that look she’d find herself out of a job.

“Well it’s probably because you won’t allow us to keep the feeding tube in. It would be so much easier on him that way.”

Oh ouch! Bye, bye, Nurse Nolte, Ronald thought.

Justin threw her a sharp look. “Ms. Nolte, you’ve been caring for Brian long enough to know he does NOT take carbs after seven p.m. Now kindly keep your remarks to yourself and do your job. I’ll be requesting a new nurse in the morning.”

Ronald stood up and sighed.

Nurse Nolte had the good sense to keep her mouth shut and do her job.

Justin walked Ronald to the door while the Nurse put Brian’s tube in.

“Hey, Jus, take it easy, ok? Maybe you should go for a walk when Rena comes. A little fresh air would do you good. You know Brian would approve, even insist.”

Justin sighed. “Maybe you’re right,” he said and turned back to look at Brian. “Maybe that’s why he’s restless. He’s worried about me,” Justin mused out loud.

“Just think how you would feel if the situation was reversed.”

Justin’s head snapped back around.

He DID know how he felt when the situation was reversed. When he was in the hospital and couldn’t see or speak to Brian. Just like Brian couldn’t ‘physically’ see or speak to him now. It was torture. The whole time he was in the hospital, he was worried about Brian. How Brian was feeling. He worked so hard to get better just so he could be with him, to comfort him, to let him know it wasn’t his fault.

Just like Brian was doing now, fighting to get back to him. He knew it in his heart, and his soul. Brian’s fight, however, was much harder than his own was. Justin didn’t want Brian worrying about him. That would only hinder his recovery.

“You’re right, Ronald. As soon as Rena gets here, I’m going shopping. Gus’s birthday is coming up.”

“Good! Take Emmett with you. You know he’d love it.”

“That’s a good idea, I will. Thanks again, for everything, Ronald.”

He was grateful that Ronald was there that first night and that he later got assigned to be Brian’s physical therapist. He’d been a big comfort to them both.

Ronald patted Justin’s shoulder and left the room.

Justin turned back to Brian and frowned.

‘Come on Bri… fight harder… I need you…’


 

***

“I don’t understand. His scan was fine yesterday,” Rena said. God she wished Justin was here!

She had arrived this morning and was happy to hear Justin decided to go out for a bit. Now, however, she wished he hadn’t.

The specialist from Switzerland came a little early, and after looking at this morning’s brain scan, which Justin and she insisted Brian have everyday, he concluded that Brian’s brain activity was diminishing, and rapidly.

“I’m sorry, but the results are clear. The brain activity has dropped 20% in the last twenty-four hours. At this rate, he’ll be completely brain dead in one week. From there, all we’ll be able to do is keep his body functioning. You need to talk to his partner about this. Decisions will have to be made.”

Rena stared at the specialist in shock. Justin was Brian’s health proxy; he was the only one who could make that decision. The only reason she was even allowed information on Brian’s condition was because Justin signed a legal document giving her access to Brian’s medical records. He didn’t understand a lot of the medical terms, and didn’t trust anyone to explain it to him. Rena was a doctor, and Brian’s sister. He trusted her.

Up till this point, they were both very hopeful. Brian’s brain scan showed significant activity. It was her job to keep Justin positive.

Now, she had to tell him that the day may come, very soon, when he’d have to make the decision to put Brian on total life support.

Her mind was screaming in denial at the unfairness of it all. She lost one brother, she couldn’t lose another. It was too much for her to bear.

Rena looked over at Brian who lay motionless in the bed. She hated that the doctor told her the news in front of him. She, like Justin, believed Brian could hear every word they spoke.

“Thank you for your time, Doctor,” Rena said dismissively.

The doctor nodded and left the room. His job was done.

Rena ran her hand over her brother’s forehead, smoothing his hair aside. He needed a haircut she noticed. “Oh, Bean… Please don’t do this. Don’t put Justin in the same position Andy put you in.” She leaned over and kissed his forehead. “He’s not as strong as you. I’m not that strong,” she choked out.

She knew her brother well and if it came to that, he would not want to live as a vegetable. Just like Andy did not want to live another day in excruciating pain. Justin would have to be the one to decide to pull Brian off life support. And, she knew, it would kill him.

She laid her head on the bed and cried. Her heart could not take another loss. She soaked the sheets of the bed with her tears. Tears she’d held back since that awful night ten weeks ago. Tears she would not shed in front of Justin. Tears she refused to shed in fear they would not stop falling. Tears, that wouldn’t stop falling.

This was how Justin found her when he came back.

 

***
 

“I fucking love you!” Shane said grabbing the bag of MacDonald’s Adam brought her.

“Well I can’t have you living on hospital food, can I?” Adam said warily as he sat down on the hard metal chair in the hospital cafeteria.

Shane bit into the greasy burger and sighed in complete bliss.

“You have no idea how much your kid loves this shit,” she mumbled with her mouth full.

Adam laughed. “Right, and mom loves vegetables and fruits and healthy foods.” He’d been trying to get Shane to eat healthier since her pregnancy with no luck. The woman was a junk food addict.

Shane made a face. “Fuck that. What do I look like? A rabbit?”

“The rabbit died, remember?” Adam said.

“Ha, ha,” Shane spat out sarcastically. She ate her burger in silence for a while.

“Any change?” Adam asked breaking the silence.

Shane had been spending all of her free time at the hospital. When she wasn’t at the hospital, she was at Kinnetik helping Ted and Cynthia keep the place going.

Ted was working like a maniac. He pulled in two new accounts since Brian’s ‘accident’, as they all called it. Everyone there was determined to not only keep Kinnetik running, but to keep it moving forward. Adam had never seen a more loyal group of employees. It astounded him actually. In his line of work, no one was loyal.

It was that loyalty that drew him to Shane’s family. They were all like that. Brian could be in a coma for the rest of his life, and he knew, without a doubt, his family would be by his side. It humbled him to know, that now, they considered him family as well. He wanted to earn that sense of loyalty. He made sure that John had no legal problems obtaining the top half of the hospital; he also fast tracked Rena and Justin’s legal request for Rena to be party to information on Brian’s health.

But he knew the best thing he could do for them was to make sure Hobbs got put away for life. He was working around the clock building an airtight case with the DA against Hobbs that would guarantee just that. Actually, he was aiming for a double life sentence.

It was a challenge, one Adam welcomed. The Aryan Nation sent their lawyer to defend Hobbs. They had plenty of resources and motive. It was rare to find a lone operator like Hobbs. They wanted him back on the streets. Pity, Adam thought, this was one psychopath who was never going to see the outside of a prison cell. They were wasting their time.

Adam was pulling out all the stops, he was skirting laws and breaking a few in the process and the DA was looking the other way. He smelled political appointments if he won this case. Adam was his ticket.

Not only did Adam have the means and connections to get the conviction, but he also had the power to arrange for Hobbs to be placed in a facility of his choice. Oh, and he had the perfect place in mind; one with the worse record for rapes by prisoners and guards alike. At the end of the day, Hobbs was going find himself spending the rest of his life being gang banged by some pretty bad men. His worst fears realized.

Talk about poetic justice. That was is personal gift to Justin and Brian.

He looked over at his wife and frowned at the dark circles beneath her eyes. This whole ordeal was taking its toll on her, but he refused to nag her about working too many hours, or not sleeping or eating enough. That would be pointless and only add to her stress. Instead, he tried to fulfill her needs, whatever they may be. Right now it was McDonald’s, and being near Brian and Justin.

She sighed and put the burger down, suddenly losing her appetite. “Justin is talking to Rena now. They have a Do not disturb sign on the door. Something is up. The doc from Switzerland just left.”

“Hey, that could be good news. Maybe they’re discussing some new medical treatment they have to bring a person out of a coma. Who knows? They’re always coming up with new shit. Maybe they want to try it out on Brian, and Rena and Justin are discussing the risks, and merits of it.”

Shane looked at him and smiled. Leave it to her lawyer husband to make an argument for everything. “Maybe.” She went back to eating her burger.

Adam looked up and saw Michael and his mother approach. The flashy red headed woman appealed to Adam’s sense of chaos. Adam loved chaos. It kept those around him off balance.

Deb stopped in front of their table, a tray of food in her hands, and glared at the newlyweds. “Jesus fucking Christ, you two look like shit!”

Shane laughed; Adam looked down at his suit. “I think my two thousand dollar suit is insulted,”

“Yeah, well maybe you should try not sleeping in it,” she said then turned her attention on Shane.

“And YOU, missy, better start getting some rest! You look like a fucking raccoon with those eyes! Think of your baby. Brian will be furious if he finds out you’ve not been taking care of yourself”

“If he ever wakes up,” Mikey said.

Deb slapped him across the head. “Don’t fucking ever say that again, or even think it!” she said passionately.

Everyone grew silent. Deb placed the food she was carrying on the table and sat down. Michael followed suit.

“Now, how is the asshole doing today?” she asked Shane.

Shane laughed. “Haven’t seen him yet. Rena and Justin are locked up in the room, having some private conversation. The new doc saw Brian today.”

“That’s good, right?” Michael piped up. He’d been like a lost puppy since the incident. If it weren’t for Ben, Michael would be a complete mess. Brian was always the strong one. His “Rage”. To see his best friend everyday lying helplessly in that bed crushed Michael. He wanted to be positive, but each day that passed and Brian didn’t wake up, his spirit plummeted.

Shane shrugged. “I’m not sure,” she said then looked at Deb. “Hey, how’s Joan doing?”

Deb snorted. “I should be doing so well! Justin got her in some fancy rehab house. More like a resort spa for the rich and famous! She gets facials and massages every day! Emmett goes to see her regularly.”

Joan was very weak after giving so much blood she had to stay in the hospital for a few days. She started to detox. The doctors wanted to send her up to their detox center but Justin refused. He got her into the best rehab center he could find.

“Emmett? That’s odd; I didn’t know they were close,” Adam said.

“They’re not. Actually, Joan scares the shit out of Emmett,” Michael said.

“But she did save Brian’s life, and Emmett feels responsible for her now. He’s still guilt ridden over what happened. I hear he and James are having problems,” Michael said.

Shane shook her head. “James is out of his mind. I’ve never seen him like this. Did you know Emmett refuses to get his face fixed?”

“Yeah, I know. I can’t believe it. He’s as vain as Brian!” Michael said.

“I know. James tried to take him to a plastic surgeon, but Emmett refused. He feels he deserves to be disfigured. James doesn’t care what he looks like. Actually, knowing James, it probably makes him hot. But he knows Emmett, the old Emmett, would never willingly walk around with a scar,” Shane said.

“I’ve tried to talk to him, but he’s so depressed, there’s nothing I can say to snap him out of it,” Michael said.

“Well maybe his little shopping trip with Justin today will cheer him up,” Shane said.

“WHAT!” Deb yelled out. “Sunshine left the room? That’s fucking great!”

Shane smiled. “Yeah, it’s about time. He was starting to freak me out. He looked a bit more relaxed when they got back. Even Emmett looked a little happier.”

“Well, at least that’s some good news.” Michael breathed a sigh of relief.

Shane picked her burger up and went to take a bite when her eyes came in contact with a very serious Justin coming their way. “Shit. Something’s wrong.”

Everyone turned around and watched as Justin approached.

“Hey, Sunshine, how’s it going?” Deb asked, her worried face belying her cheerful voice.

“Shane, I need to talk to you,” Justin said ignoring Deb.

Fuck, this can’t be good. Shane thought…
 

***
 

Justin could not believe what Rena had told him. Why? Why? Why? His mind screamed. All he’d ever wanted, all he’d ever needed, was Brian, and for some God only knows reason, the fates were determined to tear them apart.

He was tired. Bone weary. His soul was simply dying. He couldn’t think of any other way to put his feelings into words.

When Rena told him what the doctor had said, he had immediately ordered another brain scan. It only confirmed what the doctor told Rena. Brian’s brain activity was diminishing, and fast.

He fucking knew Brian was restless, but this? WHY! WHY! WHY!

Rena wasn’t going to be able to handle it if Brian…he couldn’t even say it. She was losing it as it was. What would happen to her if Brian…?

Arrrgghhhh!!!! He was so fucking mad at Brian. So mad at himself, at everyone and every fucking thing! And worst of all, he was mad at God for putting him in the same position Brian was in when Andy was dying.

He didn’t know; Brian never told him, but Rena confessed it just moments ago.

Justin would not even discuss the possibility of taking Brian off life support if it came to that, but Rena reminded him that Brian would never want to live like that. And then, that’s when she told him of that night, when Andy tried to take his own life and Brian wouldn’t let him because of his strong religious beliefs. So he did something so fucking courageous, so selfless, that it fucking blew Justin’s mind.

He set his brother’s soul free.

My God, he thought, what strength that must have taken! And now, how bitterly ironic, that he might be in that same position. But unlike Brian, he didn’t have the courage to do what Brian did. He would never be able to carry that burden. Yet, he wouldn’t let Brian’s soul be imprisoned in a body that was kept alive artificially. The thought of that was so cruel, it simply wasn’t an option.

And that’s when he knew. The answer, the only answer, came to him.

Sadly, or maybe not so sadly, once he knew what he had to do, his tortured mind and soul suddenly calmed. A quiet stillness filled him. He felt at peace with his decision. In fact, he felt hope for the first time.

He left Rena sitting with Brian and went in search of Shane. He would need her help.
 

***
 

Later that night Justin climbed in bed with Brian. He pulled the covers up over them and snuggled up close to his love. He smiled serenely as he stroked his hair.

“I know you heard Rena and me talking,” Justin whispered to Brian.

“I don’t want you to worry about a thing. It’s ok. I know you’re hurting, and fighting hard, and it must be torture to know you might lose. But there is no loss, Brian, you must know that by now,” Justin said and kissed the side of Brian’s neck. “It’s ok,” Justin repeated.

“Whatever happens, we’ll be together. Our souls are destined to be together. Don’t be afraid. If you go, I’ll be right behind you. I told you once before, where you go, I follow,” Justin said and snuggled closer.

“I talked to Shane. She told me how to do it so there won’t be any pain. A warm bath, a bottle of Chianti and a razor blade, cutting vertical, following the vein up, not horizontal. I won’t feel a thing,” Justin said sighing peacefully.

Justin felt guilty over putting Shane in that position, but he assured her, that if she didn’t tell him the best, and least painful way to do it, he would do it anyway, and probably make a mess, and cause himself a shitload of pain. Shane was smart enough to know that if a person wanted to kill themselves, nothing, and no one could stop them.

Having been a cutter and attempting suicide on several occasions, she was an expert on the subject. She reluctantly told him what he wanted to know. He made her promise not to tell anyone, for that would only cause him and Brian more pain because they would take him away and lock him up, separating him from his love. He would still kill himself he assured her, but she would be the cause of his and Brian’s prolonged suffering. She really had no choice. He hoped, one day, she would forgive him.

“Rena can adopt our baby. I’ll talk to Lucy. Adam can arrange it. It will keep her sane. She can’t have any children of her own, and raising her brother’s child will give her reason to live once we’re gone. And Lindsey will make sure Gus never forgets you, you know that. So you see, everything is going to be fine.” Justin breathed the scent of his love in.

“I love you, Brian. Always have, always will…” he said drifting off to sleep.
 

***
 

Several hours later, Justin was jolted awake. The room was dark except for the blue fluorescent lights framing the bed. He blinked a few times to clear the sleep from his eyes.

He turned his head and held his breath as his eyes came in contact with hazel ones.

He must be dreaming he thought, but oh…what a lovely dream…

He smiled brightly.

Brian looked into Justin’s face and knew he wasn’t dead. No angel, not even in heaven, could shine as bright as one of his blond’s million watt smiles.

“Hey.”

Justin jerked up in bed. He sat looking down at Brian, shock registered in his face.

“Hey,” he said cautiously.

“What the fuck were you thinking?”

 

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