Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 63

"Old women even forget how to love their sons. The heart gets worn out, Monsieur." ~ Albert Camus

 ***

Molten heat flooded Brian’s body jolting him from his slumber.  The feeling was so intense his body arched up, searching for its source.

“ggaaaaarrhhh……”  The nearly inaudible guttural sound escaped him as the fiery fingers of pleasure continued to dance along his nerves, bringing him fully awake and erect.

His hands found their way to soft silky strands he knew his fingers would encounter.

“Good morning, Sunshine,” he mumbled sleepily, his eyes still closed. 

Justin answered by taking him more deeply into his mouth and doubling his efforts, an action that spurred Brian into an orgasmic frenzy. 

He painfully tightened his hold on Justin’s hair as ribbons of ecstasy coursed through him and into his lovers’ mouth.

Justin swallowed him, giving no quarter as he greedily gulped down the sweet salty essence that was purely Brian.  It was a taste Justin craved, leaving him heady with desire each and every time he was rewarded with it.

Brian collapsed back onto the bed and released his hold on Justin.

Spent and breathing heavily, he pulled his blond up to him and kissed him thoroughly, reveling in the taste of himself in Justin’s mouth.

Their tongues danced their familiar dance, and this time it was Justin who moaned deeply.

Dazed and intoxicated with lust, Justin raised his head. “Merry Christmas,” he breathed.

Brian smiled his sexy smile and reached over to grab a condom. “It’s about to get even merrier,” he purred seductively then held the packet to Justin’s mouth, urging him to tear it open with his teeth.

Justin obeyed without hesitation. Once freed, Justin took the condom and lowered himself to sheathe Brian.

Brian stilled his movements.

Justin looked up at him questioningly. 

“You.”

Justin’s eyes glazed over with lust at Brian’s command. He leaned in and kissed Brian's lips before sheathing himself.  Then, very lovingly, he rolled Brian over.

Brian sighed deeply as Justin’s tongue began to lap at the nape of his neck.

Justin proceeded to glide the tip of his tongue down in between Brian’s shoulder blades, then lower, leaving a trail of saliva along his spine stopping at the small of his back. Once there, he lingered, pressing the base of his tongue against Brian's hot skin and gently sucking, tasting the salty sweat from Brian’s spent body.

He was rewarded with a deep moan from Brian. He then continued his journey down to his ultimate destination.

Brian sucked his breath in as Justin worked his tongue in and around him, making his blood rush to his head, and giving him an impossible hard on.

He had to bite his pillow to keep from crying out as Justin performed his magic.

“You’re too fucking good at that, you know,” he managed to croak out.

Justin raised his head.  “I learned from the Master,” he said then slid back up Brian’s body.

Wet, and ready, Justin eased himself into Brian.

Brian hissed at the sweet intrusion and pushed back.  Justin reached around for his hand and entwined their fingers.  Their matching cowry bracelets scraped against each other.

Justin began to move slowly in and out of Brian, creating a rhythm that was leisurely and painfully measured.  Each stroke left Brian panting, and wanting more, though he would never voice it. He didn’t have to, his body spoke it to Justin; it was how they best communicated after all.

Justin felt the moment Brian needed more.  He increased his tempo, and bit down on Brian’s shoulder.  Fuck!  He was going to cum, and he didn’t want to cum before Brian.

Brian chuckled, as if Justin spoke his thoughts out loud.

“Don’t wait for me, Sunshine,” he said and mercilessly squeezed his muscles around Justin’s cock.

”FUCK!” Justin yelled, and stopped his movements.  He held himself perfectly still inside Brian, trying to calm himself.

Brian once again tightened himself around Justin. 

“STOP!”  Justin cried out.  He laid his forehead against Brian’s back and tightened his grip on Brian’s hand. “For God sakes, just stop…” He sounded so pitiful, Brian laughed, but relented.  He was perfectly content to stay there feeling the fullness of his blond deeply inside of him for as long as Justin needed. 

Once calmed, Justin gingerly moved inside of Brian once again.   He leaned over and brushed his lips against Brian’s ear. “God, you’re fucking amazing,” he whispered in a lust-laden voice.

Brian was not immune to the heated purr caressing his ear. “Fuck me.”

Justin thrust forward, faster, and harder. “Do you know how this feels?” he rasped out hoarsely through gritted teeth, heedless of the fact that it was a ridiculous question.  Of course Brian knew.

Brian made a sound deep in his throat affirming he knew exactly how it felt. He pushed back against Justin, and brought their joined hands up and held them firmly against his chest. He could feel the shells of their matching cowry bracelets scratch his skin as he turned his head to capture Justin’s mouth.

Justin greedily kissed Brian wanting to lose himself in him, body and soul. When he finally pulled away to catch his breath he found himself looking into the most intense, lust filled, hazel eyes.

He stopped his movements once more, and just stared into Brian’s eyes.  They remained like that for what seemed like an eternity, each breathing heavily, each on the verge of their orgasm, when finally, Justin spoke. “Tell me.”

Brian’s nostril flared, and his eyes grew dark at Justin’s request.  Justin had never made the request before. Brian had.  Though not often, yet on occasion, when feeling particularly vulnerable, he would demand that Justin ‘tell him’ the words that their bodies were so clearly communicating, but for some reason, his heart needed to hear.

“Tell me…” Justin repeated, more desperately this time, sensing Brian’s hesitation.

Brian held Justin’s gaze, looking past his lust, and into his soul.  He moved his mouth so that his lips were barely touching Justin’s, their eyes still locked on each other’s.

“I love you,” he breathed into his mouth right before capturing it in a soul-rending kiss.

Justin lost it. He came, hard, his body convulsed.  His cock pulsated inside of Brian, which triggered Brian’s own orgasm.

Brian held onto his boy as waves of pleasure washed over them. He felt a tear slide down his face and into the corner of their joined mouths.  Justin’s tear. He lapped it up with his tongue and shared it with his lover.

It was as an act so intimate, Brian’s only thought was…

Home…

Justin collapsed against Brian’s back, panting. 

Brian eased himself off of Justin and turned around to gather him in his arms.

He held him tight as Justin suddenly let a floodtide of emotions empty onto him. It was so powerful he shook from it.

When he finally calmed, Brian kissed the top on his head and pulled back from him.

“If you’re going burst a dam every time I tell you I love you, I’m going to have to get waterproof sheets.  Come to think of it, as much as we fuck, I should get them anyway.”

Justin laughed, and then hiccupped.

Brian laughed. “You know, you are going to be the death of me,” he said, pulling Justin close to him.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for that to happen, its just…well, everything.  Us, the baby, Fuck, Brian, its Christmas! Our first Christmas!” Justin exclaimed enthusiastically.

“Um, I hate to burst your bubble, Sunshine, but it’s not our first Christmas.”

“It’s our first Christmas as Mr. and Mr. Corporation,” Justin said with a sly smile.

Brian groaned.

Justin pushed himself up off Brian.

“And we’re late!” he said, jumping out of the bed.

“Jesus where do you get the energy?” Brian complained and rolled over on his side.  After a fuck session like that, he needed at least twenty minutes rest.

He heard the shower running and incredibly, his cock stirred.  He pulled the sheet up and looked down at his rebellious member and smiled.

Youth had its advantages, but having a cock that could outlast the Energizer bunny trumped youth any day, in his opinion.

He was about to join his blond ambition when he heard the buzzer.

Grumbling, he got up to answer it. “Yeah,” he said pushing the button.

“It’s me, Bri, let me up,” Emmett’s voice came over the intercom.

Brian buzzed him up and went to put on some sweats.  He popped his head into the bathroom. “Em’s here,” he said then went to let Emmett in. He opened the door and growled at Emmett.  “You’re early.”

 “Merry Christmas to you, too.”  Emmett smiled at him then walked past him and into the loft.

Brian closed the door and turned to face him.  Justin was already out of the shower, still dripping wet, with a towel around his waist. He knew he wanted to be present when Brian gave Emmett his gift.

“Em!” Justin greeted cheerily and walked over to him and hugged him.

“Merry Christmas, sweetie!” Emmett said hugging Justin back.

“Oh my, I hope I didn’t come at a bad time.”  He noticed Justin’s very wet state, and Brian’s half dressed appearance.

“You did,” Brian snapped.

Justin threw him a warning look. “Of course not!” 

“Well you did say to come here first before heading to Rena’s.  And to tell the truth darling, I’ve been dyyyying with curiosity over what this is all about!” 

Justin looked over at Brian.  Brian made a face. “Here’s the deal, Honeycutt.”

“Don’t call me Honeycutt.”

“Whatever.  The thing is we wanted to give you your Christmas gift.” 

Emmett looked at him confused. “Well, why didn’t you just give it to me at Rena’s, silly!” 

“Because it’s not from us, it’s from James.”

Emmett’s hands flew to his mouth as he shrieked.  Tears glistened in his eyes.

Brian looked over at Justin. “See, I told you he was going to cry.”

Justin laughed. “Em, we didn’t even give you the gift yet.” 

Emmett pulled his hands away from his mouth.  “I just can’t believe he thought to buy me a gift! He hasn’t called in over a month!” 

“You know he’s working undercover, Em.  I’ve had very limited contact with him. An occasional phone call, always brief, and just to let me know he’s all right. I have no idea where he is, or when he’ll be back. However, the last time he called, he asked me to deliver his gift to you.” 

Emmett jumped up and down and clapped his hands. “Oh my God! What is it, what is it!” 

Brian shook his head at Emmett’s actions and went over to the kitchen and picked up the envelope that was lying on the counter.  He walked back to Emmett and handed it to him.

Emmett grabbed it and quickly opened it.  He looked inside and pulled out a key. 

“What’s this for?” he asked, studying the key.

“Maybe there’s a note inside,” Justin suggested, anxious to see what James got Emmett.

Emmett scanned the contents of the envelope and pulled out a piece of paper. He unfolded it and read it out loud.

“My dearest Em,

I am very sorry that I have not been around, nor contacted you, but it is necessary that my cover not be jeopardized. I ask that you destroy this letter, either burn it or shred it as soon as you finish reading it.

Having said that, first, let me say, Merry Christmas. 

Second, stop fucking around.”

Emmett paused and looked up.  “How the fuck does he know I’ve been fucking around!” he asked stomping his foot, looking at Brian accusingly.

Brian held up his hands. “Don’t fucking look at me!  I didn’t tell him!  Though it’s common knowledge what a slut you are.”

Emmett huffed. “Talk about the pot calling the kettle black,” he mumbled, and then went back to reading.

“Our separation does not give you license to go out tricking every night. Yes, I’ve been keeping my eye on you. I’m very disappointed.  And you will see how disappointed when you meet me at 234 Wilton Street, Claysville.  The key I sent along with this letter is to a cabin I’ve rented there.  Meet me there tonight, at midnight, where we will celebrate our own Christmas.  You are not to tell anyone, except of course Brian and Justin, since I’m sure you are reading this to them now.”

Emmett looked up again with an embarrassed flush to his skin.

Justin and Brian laughed.

Emmett cleared his throat and continued.

“Tell them I said congratulations, and I hope to be back soon.  Take your own car, and be careful that you are not followed, though I am sure you won’t be.  Until tonight, know that I have missed you, and look forward to our reunion.

Yours,     

James.

Emmett barely got the last sentence out through his tears. He held his hand to his throat and made a choking sound. 

Justin went over to him and put his arm around his shoulder.  Emmett started fanning himself.

“I just can’t believe it!  My Jamesy still loves me!” he said with a trembling, emotional voice.

“Of course he does.” 

“Oh for Christ sakes, what's with all the dramatics!  I can see this day is going to be filled with lesbianic moments!” Brian complained and walked out of the room.

Justin sighed and watched him go into their bedroom. He heard Brian enter the bathroom and turn the shower on. He turned his attention back to Emmett. “I’m so happy for you!  What a wonderful Christmas gift!” Justin said hugging his friend.

Emmett hugged him back then pulled away suddenly.  His face grew white. “You don’t think he’s too mad about, you know, my, um, little excursions, do you?”

Justin tilted his head in thought. “Hmmm. Don’t know; you’ll just have to find out tonight.”

Emmett scrunched his face up. “Well, just to be on the safe side, I better wear something irresistible.”

“Couldn’t hurt.”

Emmett hugged him again.  “I’m so lucky to have friends like you!”

“And we’re happy to have you as our friend,” Justin said honestly.

Emmett made a face. “Well, I’m sure you are.  I’m not so sure his Majesty feels the same way.”

Justin laughed. “Please, you two get off on insulting each other.  You know he’d do anything for you.”

Emmett put his finger to his chin and smiled.  “Really?  Do you think he’d let me borrow his ‘fuck me’ Forzieri leather jacket?”

“Em, the only one with access to that Jacket is Conchetta, ourhouse keeper. I’m not even allowed near it!  Unless you have a Spanish accent and are having an affair with the dry cleaner man, then you’re shit out of luck,” Justin said looking way too serious.

They both laughed.

“That woman has more balls than me if she’s fucking him.   I’ve seen the guy who runs the dry cleaner’s.”  Emmett made a face and shivered in disgust.

Justin slapped him playfully.  “Don’t be mean.” 

“Well then, I better get going.  Since I can’t borrow from the Kinney ‘fuck me’ wardrobe, I need to find something fabulous to wear somewhere else.”  Emmett stuffed the note back into the envelope, along with the key.

“I still have to wrap my gifts and I promised Rena I’d make canapés for dinner, and… oh.. Well there’s just so much to do before tonight!”  Emmett said in one long run on sentence while flaring his arms.

Justin’s head was spinning.

“I’ll see you at Rena’s later.”  Emmett gave Justin a quick chaste kiss then turned to leave.

“Um, Em, aren’t you forgetting something?” 

Emmett turned around and looked at him. “What?”

“The letter? You need to destroy it.”

“As soon as I Mapquest the address, I’ll burn it.”

“Ok, but do it as soon as possible.”

Emmett put the envelope in his back pocket.

“I will, honey, don’t worry!”  He waved his hands dismissively.

Justin walked him to the door.

“And Em, remember, DON’T tell anyone!”

Emmett gave him an affronted look. “I’m not stupid, Justin!  Just sentimental. I won’t tell a soul,” he promised on his way out.

Justin shut the loft door behind him. Well that went well he thought as he headed for the bathroom.  Emmett was thrilled with his gift. 

He threw the towel that was wrapped around his waist to the floor as he entered the shower.  

He wondered, as Brian grabbed him and started ravishing him, if Brian would like his gift to him as much…

***

“Merry Christmas, Mother Kinney,” Justin said holding a practiced smile on his face as Joan opened the door.

Brian had to refrain from cursing at the sight of his mother’s very glassy, shocked eyes.  It was only eleven a.m. and she was half drunk.  He knew this was a bad idea.

“What are you doing here?” Her words were already starting to slur.

Justin took a step forward, forcing Joan to move out of the way so he could enter.

“We’re here because it’s Christmas of course, and we wanted to deliver our gifts in person,” Justin said lifting his arms that were laden with brightly wrapped presents to verify his words.

“We?” Joan said with an aristocratic tone.

Brian followed Justin in and closed the door behind them.  He knew what was coming next.  He shook his head. Why did he let Justin talk him into this?  Wait, he knew why. Because he couldn’t fucking think straight when Justin applied his wiles on him.  And those “wiles” were applied in the car on the way over. 

Brian had sworn he was NOT going to his mother’s house, but that went out the window once Justin’s mouth closed down on his cock in the car.

“Yes, we.  Your son and I.  I know, we’re going to Hell, yada, yada…” Justin said dismissively as he looked around for a place to put the gifts. He spotted the coffee table in the living room and went to put the presents down on it.   He then stood and faced Joan.

“But it is Christmas; I think we can put Hell on hold until tomorrow, don’t you?” Justin challenged.

Joan turned to Brian, ignoring Justin.  “Why did you bring that boy to my house?” 

“That Boy, mother, is my partner.”

Joan cringed. “Such nonsense in my house.” She turned away from them and  walked to the kitchen where she picked up her half empty glass.

Brian watched as his mother downed the rest of the brown liquid.  Whiskey.  She reeked of it.

“Uncle Brian!”  Little John entered the room. He ran to Brian and gave him a hug.

Brian hugged him back smiling at his little nephew. He was the only on in his fucked up family that he actually liked. It was a shame Claire didn’t allow him to see the boy more often.  He only saw him on birthdays and holidays, and any other occasion that required a gift from Brian.

“Johnny!  Look at you!  You’ve grown at least a foot since I last saw you.” Brian held John at arms' length by the shoulders. He tilted his head and studied the boy. “Did you make the team?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.  Last time he talked to the boy was over the summer. Claire called Brian to remind him it was his birthday. Johnny just turned ten.   Brian always gave his nephews money as presents, not knowing what to buy them.  He knew his bitch of a sister took the money for herself, and didn’t give a dime to her kids. It was why he insisted on giving them the money in person.  He’d hand them an envelope in front of their mother. She would take it from them for ‘safe keeping’.  He then handed them a twenty or fifty as they got older, when she wasn’t looking, and tell them to keep it a secret. 

He’d been doing that since they were five.  Though he stopped doing it with Peter when Peter turned nine.

Brian tried to sneak money to Peter on his ninth birthday.  He took the money and asked, loud enough for his mother to hear, “What’s this? A bribe, fag?”  Brian never did that again. 

Peter was now fourteen, and still a horrid little guttersnipe. 

Little Johnny was different though. He always thanked Brian and kept their little secret.  John liked Brian, and was always respectful. There was a kindness about the boy that was lacking in his mother and brother.

“YES!  I even get to play center!” John said enthusiastically, answering Brian’s question

Brian high fived him.  He wasn’t surprised. The boy was tall for his age, like Brian was.

Peter came walking into the room behind his brother, his attention glued to the Gameboy he held in his hands.

Claire was right behind him. 

“Well, this is a surprise.  What brings you here today?  The delivery guy get sick?”

“Nice to see you too, Claire.” Brian smirked.  He turned to Justin. “Can we go now?”

“Who’s that, Uncle Bri?” John asked.

“John, this is Justin, he’s my boyfriend,” Brian said throwing his sister a daring look.

“Fuck, Brian, you don’t need to throw your lifestyle in my children’s faces!” 

Justin ignored her and went over to the boy and held out his hand.  From the reception Brian gave the boy, he knew Brian cared for the child. “Hi, it’s nice to meet you.”

John smiled up at Justin and shook his hand. “Wow, you’re gay?” he asked with what could only be described as genuine child curiosity.

Justin laughed. “Yes, I’m gay.” 

“Johnny!” his mother admonished.  “We don’t ask rude questions!”

“It’s ok; it’s a perfectly natural question.  You must be Claire.”  Justin  offered his hand.  Claire had the good manners to accept it, coldly.

Peter lifted his head.  “Great, another fag.”

“Ah, you must be Peter,” Justin said.  “And a ‘fag’ is what they call a cigarette in England.  Used in this country, fag is a nasty word you shouldn’t use.”

Peter shrugged his shoulders and went back to his game.

“Brian, really, did you have to bring ‘that’ boy here?” his mother joined the conversation.

Brian sighed. “Actually, I didn’t want to come here.  Justin insisted.  You see, he thinks of you as family for some unfathomable reason. I tried to tell him he was wrong, the only family I ever had were the Cardies. But, well, he seems to think just because you pushed me out, that somehow that qualifies you as a mother.  Of course we both know better, don’t we, Joan? Maybe you can do a better job of convincing him otherwise,” he said, venom dripping with each word.

Joan looked quite uncomfortable with Brian’s words.

Justin threw Brian a reproachful look. “Stop being cruel. As blessed as we are, is it necessary to cause her more pain? For God sakes, look at her,” Justin leaned in and whispered harshly to Brian.

Brian snorted.

“I know you hate me.  I’m used to it.” She turned to Justin then. “He’s right. I’m not his mother.” 

Justin frowned.  “You are his mother, Joan.  You may not have raised him, but you did give birth to him, and for that alone, I’m grateful.”

Joan turned away and headed back to the kitchen. No doubt to get another drink, Justin thought.  He followed her, leaving Brian with his sister and nephews in the living room.

“Mind pouring me one?” he asked as he watched Joan fill her glass with more whiskey.

Joan looked up at him surprised that he followed her.  She shrugged and pulled a glass down from the cabinet and splashed some of the harsh liquid into it. She then handed it to him.

Justin took it and raised it to her.  She picked up her glass and saluted him, a harsh sardonic smile played on her lips.

“You know you should tell him.” 

Joan shook her head. “Why? Does it really matter?”

Justin put his glass down and looked around the kitchen. He remembered the last time he was here, demanding she show up at the ‘intervention’ although Joan didn’t know what Justin had planned at the time. He tricked her into coming.

Joan revealed to him that day that she loved Brian, but didn’t know how to show it.  Oh, she believed with every fiber of her being that he was going to Hell for being gay, but still, she loved him.  Like she loved her brother, Aidan, who was killed because he was gay.  It was why she constantly asked her own son to change his ways, telling him he was going to Hell. She was trying to frighten him, as much as she was frightened. 

Joan was always frightened for Brian. It was the reason why she gave him up to the Cardies. She was afraid Jack would kill him.  She knew first hand what Jack was capable of it. When she refused to abort her child, Jack beat her, badly, hoping to kill the child within her. Still, Joan refused. Then after the birth, he threatened to kill them both. That’s when Joan sent Brian to live with Rena’s family. 

Brian didn’t know what Joan sacrificed in order to keep him safe.  Jack hated having kids and a family. It was bad enough he had Claire, but another child only made him feel more trapped. He turned his anger onto Joan and Brian. Brian got his first beating from Jack at the age of three.  A fact Joan revealed to him at the intervention.  She realized then, she couldn’t protect him and sent him to the Cardies.

She had told Justin the truth of her feelings for her son in a drunken state that day he visited her.  Now she needed to tell Brian.

“He needs to know that you tried to keep him safe. That you didn’t willingly abandon him.”

Joan looked into the bottom of her glass as if she was looking for answers to jump out at her. “But I didn’t, did I? He has every right to hate me. In the end, I failed. What that man in that house did to him…” Joan couldn’t bring herself to speak the words.

Justin furrowed his brow. “Joan, what do you think Emilian did to Brian?”

She took a deep breath.  “What he did to his own son. It’s why my son is gay. That vile man raped him.” 

Justin sucked his breath in.  He was sure that wasn’t true; Brian would tell him if that happened, wouldn’t he?  But then again, Emilian had raped Rena, and she never told Brian.  Could Brian be hiding something like that from her as well?  And from him?

“Joan, are you sure? I mean, I know what he did to his own son, Brian told me, but Brian never indicated that he was abused in that house.” 

Joan looked up at him, her eyes deep red.  “How else can you explain it then?  Brian was all ‘boy’.  He was a strong athlete, he wasn’t like Aidan. Aidan was always a bit, you know, feminine.  But Brian, no, my son was never. THAT MAN, made my son gay!  And because of it, he’s damned.” Joan broke down and started crying.

Justin shook his head.   The woman truly needed therapy and an education on human sexuality.

He went over to her and rubbed her back.  She had dropped her head down on the counter, on top of her arms and was sobbing.

“Joan, Emilian did not make Brian gay. Brian was born gay.  Just because he isn’t feminine, doesn’t mean he’s not gay. It’s complicated, and I can’t explain it properly, but I can recommend someone you can talk to who can explain human sexuality better than me.  You really have to stop letting your religious beliefs destroy your last chance at having a relationship with your son.  You told us at the loft that you got along great with your brother, and he was gay. Why can’t you have a relationship with your son?” 

Joan hiccupped and raised her head. “Because I SAW Aidan get murdered!” 

Justin gaped at her. Shock ripped through his body.  No wonder the woman was so fucked up.  He couldn’t imagine what that must have done to her. 

“I was there!  I had just met Jack, we were dating.  We had a fight that night and I called Aidan to come and get me.   He picked me up, I remember I was crying.   We got a flat. Aidan pulled over to fix it. It was late.  And they came…” Joan was retelling the story with a faraway look in her eyes.  Justin didn’t dare move or speak.

“They recognized him. The whole town knew Aidan was… different. It was obvious. He was soft, gentle… kind.” She looked back into her glass.  Justin followed her gaze as if expecting to find something in the bottom of it.  Perhaps, salvation.

“They held me down, and raped me. I watched, as they did the same to him…and when they were done, he was dead. But I was still alive.  They told me they’d kill me if I told anyone. They threw me in their car and drove me home. My parents didn’t suspect a thing. They thought Jack drove me home.  I went upstairs and took a shower. The next day, the police came and told my parents they found Aidan, murdered. I never said a word.”

Joan retold the story as if she was describing a scene from somebody else’s life.

Justin’s throat constricted. Tears formed in his eyes. “Oh my God, Joan.  Have you ever told anyone?”

She shook her head no. She then laughed, a little hysterically.  “Not even God,” she added, and then finished the remaining liquid in her glass. “I got pregnant.   I told Jack it was his. He made me get an abortion. Said we weren’t ready. He sent me to this friend of his. It was painful, and horrid. I was sick for weeks afterwards.  I swore that I’d never abort another child of mine again.  I think he only let me have Claire because we were married by then, and he felt guilty about making me get rid of our first child. But he made it clear, he didn’t want any more after she was born. When I got pregnant with Brian he told me I had to get rid of it. I refused. I would rather die than commit that sin again.  I nearly did.  The night I told him I wasn’t going to have an abortion he beat me so bad I wound up in the hospital.  But he didn’t kill my son.”  Joan looked up at Justin triumphantly. “That bastard was NOT going to kill my boy!” 

Justin stood there in shock.  Brian had no idea how much strength his mother had.   It was something he inherited from her.  That uncanny ability to survive the worst life threw at them, and come out of it, whole.  Well, almost whole.

“Don’t you think it’s time you told Brian about this? If for no other reason than to clear HIS conscience!  He believes you a cold hearted bitch who gave him up. The truth is, you were just being strong, for him.”  Justin went to her and put his hands on her shoulders and turned her to face him. “Stop trying to save yourself and your son from sins that neither of you are guilty of, or had any control over.” Justin said then did something unexpected.

Something impulsive.

He pulled Joan in and hugged her tight.

At first, she resisted, but then, she gave in and put her arms around him and started crying into his shoulder.

That was the scene Brian walked in on.

“What the fuck?” he said, his face registering his shock.

Justin pulled away from Joan and smiled over at him. Brian could see he was crying.  He also saw the empty second glass of whiskey on the table.

“Jesus Christ!  Are you drinking with her now?” Brian said and walked over to them.

He pulled Justin protectively away from his mother.

He turned his attention to Justin. “We’re going.”  He had no idea what the fuck was going on between them, but seeing Justin embracing his mother, seeing his mother embracing him back, with affection, disturbed Brian.  She was showing him affection.  Affection she could not show her own son.

“Brian, calm down.”

“I AM CALM.” 

“Oh stop yelling at the boy!  He’s just trying to help.” 

Ok, this was too much to bear.  Joan defending his gay lover. “Have I just entered the Twilight Zone? You hate him!  You hate me!” 

“Brian, your mother thinks you’re gay because Emilian raped you.” 

Joan gasped.

Brian’s eyes snapped to her.  “What the FUCK gave you that idea?”

“It’s not true, right?” Justin asked.

Brian looked at him stunned. “NO!”

Justin just stared, trying to gauge the truth of his denial.

Brian sighed.  “Justin, no. I promise you, he did not rape me.”

Justin nodded his head.  Relief flooded him.  He laid his hand on Brian’s arm. “There’s something else you need to know, she saw her brother get murdered.” 

“You awful, dreadful boy!  Get out of my house!  I should have never told you!” Joan said shocked at Justin’s audacity.  She didn’t expect him to just blurt out what she told him. 

Justin turned to her.  “I’m going to tell him everything. I’m sorry, Joan, but you told me for a reason. I think it’s because you want him to know, but you don’t know how to tell him. There is so much pain and distrust between the two of you.”

“What are you talking about?” Brian asked in a deceptively calm voice. 

Joan turned to her son.  “It’s not his place to tell you, it’s mine.  And he’s right.  I told him part of it last time he was here, and today I told him the rest because I needed YOU to know.” 

“Know what?” Brian pressed in that same deadpan voice.

Joan retold the story of Aidan’s murder, her rape, her abortion; Jack's attempt to make her abort him, and all the ugly details in between.  When she was done, both mother and son stood there, staring at each other, as if seeing each other for the first time.

The tension in the room was so thick Justin was finding it hard to breathe.

“Who else knows?” Brian asked when he finally found his voice.

“No one,” Joan said.

Brian took a deep breath. “You should have told me.” 

“Why?  There was nothing you could do.  Besides, what difference does it make?  I sent you to a house that was more evil than mine as it turned out.  When you came back, Jack began beating you again. He had heard the rumors. Everyone knew Emilian had prostituted his son out to men.  That his boy died of AIDS.  Jack thought that he had prostituted you out as well.  He thought he could beat the evil out of you.  But you were much stronger than that. 

“I was glad you ran off to New York.  I thought finally, you would be free. I knew if you could survive what happened in that house, you could survive anything.   Then when you came back, as a man, Jack seemed to finally accept you.  And you forged a relationship with him.  With him.

“Yet me, well, me you hated.” Joan laughed bitterly. “Funny how that happened, isn’t it?”

Brian cringed.  She was right.  He did forge a relationship with his father as a man.  His father was ruthless and cruel, but at least those were emotions.  His mother was emotionless.  When he came back, he went to his father as a man, ready for whatever, but Jack surprised him.  He was proud of him.  His accomplishments.   And Brian hung onto that.  He heard the stories of how Jack wanted Joan to abort him.  No child wants to know they weren’t wanted.  So he accepted Jack's pitiful praise and continued to see him.   Each time it killed Brian a little more because it was all a lie.  He wasn’t himself around Jack, he was who Jack wanted him to be.   It was the only time Brian ever was untrue to himself and no one knew, except Michael. And later on, Justin.  Rena was gone by then.

“I didn’t know,” Brian said quietly.

“No, of course you didn’t.  You didn’t want to know either.”

And there it was, once again.   Another case in point where he only saw what he wanted to see.  A cold heartless mother who didn’t want her own son.  Not an abused woman who did what she could to protect her son.  A woman who saw more horrors in life than any one person should. Something he could relate to, he’d seen horrors that great.

“You’re right. I didn’t want to know.  Not that it matters now, but my relationship with Jack was fake.  He never loved me.  He never knew me.  I only told him I was gay when he told me he was dying.  He, like you, wished me dead.” 

Joan went over to Brian.

“SLAP!”  She slapped him across the face shocking both him and Justin.

“Hate me, despise me, kill me. But don’t EVER tell me I EVER wished you dead!  I did everything I could to keep you alive!  And I continue to try to do that!  God may forgive you for being gay, but society won’t!  They killed Aidan, they almost killed your own partner, and one day they will try to kill you!  It’s why I pray every day and night that you stop it! Just STOP.”  Joan was hysterical at this point.

Brian looked at Justin, lost as to what to do.  Justin pushed him towards her.  Brian awkwardly put his arms around his mother. It was such a foreign feeling. He looked over at Justin again and glared at him.  Justin waved his hands towards her, indicating he should hug her, comfort her. 

Brian sighed. He tightened his hold on her.  “Believe me, Joan, there are many reasons why people want to kill me that have nothing to do with being gay.”

Joan pulled away from him and wiped her eyes.  She laughed, despite her intentions to remain serious. “Not funny, Brian.” 

Brian looked at her somberly. “I saw Justin get bashed.”

Another thing they had in common.  They both saw people they loved attacked viciously, and just because of who they were.

Joan sucked her breath in. “I’m sorry.” 

“Me too.”  

They were sorry that the other had to endure such horrors.  They were sorry that there were people in the world so cruel you were powerless to stop them.  They were sorry for their losses and their pain.  But most of all, they were sorry for not having this talk earlier. 

Joan straightened her shoulders, her pride kicking in.  Justin watched the visual transformation with respect. It was purely a Kinney move.  If Brian ever feared he was like his father, just watching his mother should prove otherwise. He was more Joan’s son, than anything.

“I have a Christmas present for your son,” she said, changing the subject, and the mood.

Brian smiled. “I’ll bring him by this week.  You can give it to him yourself.”

Joan nodded. It was the closet thing to affection they were going to get, for now.

It was a start.

Brian turned to Justin.  “We really should be going now.  Rena will be waiting and I still have to give you your present.” 

Justin nodded.  He walked over to Joan and gave her a quick hug. “We’ll be back, if that’s ok with you.”

Joan nodded her head.  

They all walked back out into the living room.  The kids had already opened their gifts.

Little Johnny was the first to run to them.  “Uncle Brian, thanks!” he said, hugging him.  

Justin had bought him a Lego Erector set.  

Brian hugged the boy back and slipped a fifty inside his pocket. 

“Remember, our secret,” he whispered in the boy’s ear.  Johnny giggled and pulled away.  He looked up at Brian and winked.  Brian had to hold his laughter in.

The boy ran back to play with his new toy.

Claire slapped Peter’s head.  “Say thank you to your uncle,” she ordered.

Peter looked up.  “Um, yeah, thanks,” he said and went back to playing his Gameboy.  Justin had bought him a very nice watch that not only told time, but gave the weather, and took pictures.   Peter wasn’t impressed.

Brian went in his pocket and pulled out an envelope and handed it to Claire. As much as he despised his sister for her weakness and pettiness, he knew she had a hard life.  They were never close, they barely knew each other, but Brian knew Jack was not kind to her, and her ex-husband was always late paying child support, which was minimal.  Plus, she was there for Joan, mostly because Joan threw her money now and then, but also to pick her up when she was too drunk to pick herself up, or to take her shopping, or to church.  Brian was good at handing out cash. He left the day to day caring to his sister. 

“Make sure your rent is paid, and the electric.”

Claire took the envelope and nodded. “Thank you.”

Justin then went to the table and picked up their gift to Joan and handed it to her. “Brian and I didn’t know what to get you, so we hope you like this.” 

It was the one gift Brian actually knew about.  The rest, he let Justin pick out for them. 

Joan opened the small box Justin handed her.  She pulled out the long gold chain with a cross pendant hanging off of it and looked at it. Then her eyes moved to her son. “Thank you.”   

Brian nodded.

She then cleared her throat. “I’m afraid I don’t have a gift for you, Justin.  I had no idea you were still with Brian,” she explained, embarrassed. “I thought you’d come to your senses by now.”

Justin laughed. “Joan, just being here today, was gift enough.  Believe me.”  

Joan smiled. “I do, however, have a gift for you,” she said to Brian.

She went down the hall to her bedroom. When she returned, she was carrying a wrapped package that looked suspiciously like a book.

Brian leaned over and whispered to Justin, “I swear to God I’m going to throw it if it’s a Bible.”  Justin elbowed him to be quiet, and he let out a small “oomph..”

“I thought you might like this,” she said and handed it to him.

Brian opened the package, and indeed, it was a book. The title was “Running with Scissors.”  Brian raised his eyebrow at her. “What is this?”

“It’s a story about a dysfunctional family.  Much like ours. I thought you might like it.”

Brian laughed. He opened it and read from one of the reviews.

“Bookman gave me attention. We would go for long walks and talk about all sorts of things. Like how awful the nuns were in his Catholic school when he was a kid, how he had to learn how to roll his lips over his teeth when he gave a blowjob," writes Burroughs about his affair, at age 13, with the 33-year-old son of his mother's psychiatrist..”

Brian laughed. The irony was not lost on him.

“Look at that, Sunshine, another May/December gay relationship. How romantic.”

Justin made a face. “I was NOT thirteen!” 

“No, but not far from it.”  Brian couldn’t help but tease Justin.

Justin shot daggers at him. 

Brian laughed. “A little risqué for you, isn’t it, Mother?” Brian said, unconscious of the fact he called Joan ‘Mother’, and not with his normal sarcastic tone he used when using that term.

“Perhaps for me, but I thought you would appreciate it.”  She turned her attention back to Justin. “And you may have not been thirteen, Justin, but when I first saw you, you most definitely looked it!” 

“ I was eighteen!”

“Eighteen when she first saw you, not when I first fuc...” 

“AHEM!”  Claire cleared her throat loudly to remind Brian there were children in the room.

Brian pulled his bottom lip in.   “Well, let's just say he was a little Lolita,” Brian amended; he was having way too much fun at Justin’s expense.

“Now that I believe,” Joan said and made a disapproving face.

Justin clapped his hands together. “Ok, well, this was good!  But we really have to be going.  So we’re on for next year, right?” he said in an attempt to change the subject, the subject being him.

Claire laughed, Joan even cracked a smile.

“Come on, Mr. Ambassador.  I believe your mission is completed here.  Merry Christmas everyone,” Brian said and grabbed their coats.

They all said goodbye, and Brian promised Joan he’d bring Gus by later in the week.

Once out in the car, Justin let out a long breath. He turned to Brian. “Are you ok?”

Brian shot him a sideways look as he pulled out of the driveway. “Let's just say it’s a lot to process.” 

“It makes sense though, doesn’t it?  I mean, why she was always so cold and distant?  My God, what she went through, no wonder she despises you being gay.  Look what being gay did to her brother.  And Jack making her get an abortion?  Jesus! With her strong Catholic beliefs?  She stood up to him though, you got to admire her strength,” he rambled, trying to get some reaction out of Brian.

Brian looked over at him. “It’s ok, Justin. I’m fine.  Actually, I’m better than fine.  As horrible as all the revelations were today, it was also very liberating. Like you said, it explains a lot, and it’s healing in a way.  I may never feel that mother – son connection with her, but I think we now have some common ground to communicate.  Now only if you can get her to stop believing we’re going to Hell.” 

“What? And spoil her fun?”

They both laughed.  

It was a beautiful cold winter day.  They drove for awhile enjoying the scenery in silence, each in their own thoughts.

“Hey, wait..  This isn’t the way to Rena’s,” Justin said suddenly realizing that they were are a road he didn’t recognize.

Brian turned the car towards Justin’s present.

“I told you I still had to give you your gift, didn’t I? Well, it was too big to ship to Rena’s, so I’m taking you to it.”

Justin narrowed his eyes.  Brian had that look on his face.  Justin smiled with anticipation.

Whatever Brian got him, Justin had a feeling it was going to be hard to top.
 

Return to Before There Was You, There Was You