Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 62

“Hate me today
Hate me tomorrow
Hate me for all the things I didn't do for you
Hate me in ways
Yeah, ways hard to swallow
Hate me so you can finally see what's good for you”

~ Hate Me by Blue October

***

 

“Excellent choice, sir. Would you like to see it?” the salesman asked as he unlocked the glass cabinet and pulled out the Patek Philippe Calatrava white gold watch the gentleman was looking at.

Brian admired the workmanship of the timepiece. It was a beauty and at thirty-six thousand, reasonably priced, which surprised him since it was just a few days before Christmas. The high-end jewelers usually boosted their prices the week before Christmas in hopes of catching those who waited till last minute to get that special gift, and had to show up with something spectacular; kind of like what Brian was doing now.

Though it wasn’t that he had waited until the last minute to buy Justin his Christmas gift; on the contrary he’d be searching for a while now. Trouble was, he could not find anything that suited him, or more accurately, suited Justin. He wanted to get his blonde something very special; unfortunately an expensive watch just didn’t make the cut.

“It’s stunning, but I’m afraid it’s not what I’m looking for.”

The salesman shook his head disappointedly, and put the watch back.

“May I ask what it is you had in mind, sir? Maybe I can show you something else?” the salesman pressed, eager to make a commission.

He smelled money. The man before him was wearing a very expensive Swiss Jaeger-LeCoultre watch and his suit was Armani. He wasn’t about to let this fish off the hook.

Brian smiled indulgently and shook his head.

“No, thank you. I don’t think I’m going to find what I’m looking for in here.” He left the shop, stepping outside into the cold winter air. He pulled the collar of his wool coat up.

The wind chill factor had to be around minus two-degrees he thought shoving his hands into his coat pockets. They already had one snowstorm this winter and another was expected on Christmas day.

He pulled out his cigarette pack and took one out and lit it. Smoke mixed with cold air filled his lungs. The sensation was calming.

He was about to call for car service, having opted to leave the Vette home to avoid the holiday traffic, but then changed his mind and decided to walk a bit.

Think, Kinney, think! What would Justin like? Besides a stiff cock when you get home, he thought smiling to himself.

It had been two weeks since their “celebration”. Two of the best fucking weeks of his life, and Brian, for once, refused to dwell on when the next tragedy would hit. Instead, he chose to revel in their good fortune.

It started the day after their celebration party. They had brunch with Nana, Jennifer and Molly. Nana once again surprised the shit out of them by presenting Justin with his trust fund. Justin had no idea he had a trust fund, neither did Jennifer. Nana had explained that his paternal grandfather had set one up for him and one for Molly when they were born.

Neither were supposed to receive it until their twenty-fifth birthday, but now that Justin was a ‘married’ man…. and yes, Brian cringed at that description, Nana thought it only proper to hand his over to him. She then handed over Molly’s to Jennifer's keeping, stating that she had not done so earlier because she never trusted that no good husband of hers. Brian laughed at that. Nana had great perception when it came to people’s character.

Justin was speechless, they all were. Nana was delighted of course that she once again managed to amaze the people around her. She truly was a diva, Brian thought.

Brian had to push Justin’s head between his legs, and not in a positive life affirming way, to keep him from hyperventilating when he saw the amount of the fund. Seemed the old woman, who was trustee of the fund, had invested well. The trust fund was in the amount of six hundred thousand dollars. Molly’s fund was in the same amount. At first, Justin refused to take it, but Nana insisted it was what his grandfather wanted. She declared that out of respect for him, Justin couldn’t refuse. The old woman was shrewd.

By the end of brunch, Justin had accepted his fund, with the understanding that he was going to use it to set up a trust fund for Gus, and one for their ‘soon’ to be new baby.

That announcement left everyone at the table speechless. This time Brian had to push Jennifer’s head between her legs, and not in a positive life affirming way, to stop her from hyperventilating. Nana did not seem surprised at all.

Tears and well wishes went round the table. Brian and Justin explained the situation and asked them not to say anything until the pregnancy actually happened. And then, they wanted to tell the rest of the family. Of course, Brian had already told Rena, but he didn’t need to mention that.

They all agreed, and then drove Nana to the airport. She made them promise to come and visit over the holidays.

Two days after the brunch, Brian and Justin were sitting in the insemination room, talking to Lucy, each holding one of her hands, as she lay on the hospital cot, legs up high, covered with a sheet, having just been inseminated with both their sperm by the doctor.

They were allowed to sit with her immediately following the procedure. It was the closest they would get to being part of the conception.

Justin was totally enchanted with Lucy. They both were actually. They spent nearly an hour in that room talking about her children, her late husband, the surgery Elliot was scheduled to have that week, which both Brian and Justin promised to be at, and her family history.

It was important they know the history of their child’s mother, especially her family’s medical history, like heart disease, cancer, and other hereditary diseases.

The day went smoothly, and later that week, true to their promise, they were once again sitting with Lucy in the waiting room while Elliot underwent his first round of surgeries.

She was a nervous wreck and they were glad they were there to help her through it. Lucy had no living relatives other than her children. Her husband was an only child, and her sister died in a car accident several years ago. Both sets of parents were dead as well. Justin, of course, being the kind soul he is, pretty much adopted Lucy and her children.

The doctors said the surgery went well, and that they were reevaluating how many more he would need. They said that when the bandages came off and the results were as they expected, he would only need one, maybe two more surgeries. Lucy cried with joy and relief when she heard. Of course, Justin cried with her. Brian was even choked a bit.

Elliot turned out to be a pretty smart kid, with a great sense of humor. He was his mothers’ strength. While Lucy fussed and cried over him, he showed a maturity way past his nine years, and comforted her, telling her everything was going to be all right. Brian saw a man of fine character waiting to emerge from behind those youthful green eyes.

Elliot was, just as Lucy described him, obsessed with building bridges. Justin had bought him several model bridges for Christmas. His sisters, Jacqueline and Victoria, were a bit older, and into music. Justin bought them each an ipod and two hundred dollars worth of itune dollars to download songs. Of course, Brian insisted that they buy them a computer as well so they had the means to download those songs.

Lucy was being stubborn about accepting gifts from them. She insisted it was enough that they not only paid for her son’s surgeries, but paid off her mortgage, and set up an account for her in the amount of fifty thousand dollars. But no one was more stubborn than Brian, as Lucy learned quickly. What she was giving them was priceless, and he would damn well make sure her and her children were always taken care of.

Justin insisted as well. He had used some of his trust fund money to set up college funds for each of her children. Lucy was no match against the two of them. In truth, Brian suspected she was grateful to have people who cared about her and her children. They had no one. No aunts, uncles or grandparents. The children had already taken to calling Brian and Justin, “Uncle Brian and Uncle Justin’. He hoped their attachment wasn’t going to cause problems once the baby was born.

As it was, they were all bonding. How could they not? They were all having this baby together. But once Lucy gave birth, the baby would be going home with them.

It was suggested by the people at the clinic that they have little contact with the mother the first few months following the birth so as to help with separation anxiety that often occurred when the surrogate handed the child over. It would be a hard adjustment period for them all. One made harder by the fact they were all growing close to each other.

Well, at least they would have nine months to prepare for the event.

The happy news came to them just two days ago.

The insemination took. Lucy was pregnant. Brian had to once again put Justin’s head between his legs, and not in a positive live affirming way, to stop him from hyperventilating.

The only thing left to do now, was tell the family. They had decided to wait until Christmas day when they were all together to make the announcement. Besides, they didn’t want to take the thunder away from Adam and Shane.

News of her pregnancy spread fast, and Deb and the rest of the family were overjoyed with the prospect of another little addition to their rapidly growing family.

Rena wasted no time in getting the decorators in to set up the nursery. She assumed Shane was going to continue to live with her. Brian, however, had a feeling Adam had other plans for Shane and their baby, though he had yet to reveal his intentions to him or Rena. In either case, Brian and Justin were going to wait before sharing their own good news.

Since the family had been growing, it was decided that holidays would now be held at Rena’s house, and not Deb’s, since Rena's house was so much bigger. Deb didn’t mind, since Rena pretty much let her have free rein over her house when she was there. So on Christmas day, they would all be at Rena’s.

Christmas Eve would be spent with Lucy and her family, and New Years with Nana. They would tell her about the pregnancy then.

Brian shook his head at the ‘family’ politics Justin was adhering to. His mother and Rena had to be told first, then Deb and the family, then Nana, and of course, Justin insisted they tell Brian’s mother.

Brian put his foot down at that suggestion, stating he was not going to ruin his Christmas by having ‘that’ woman scorn and spit on their happiness, but Justin was not giving up on this one. He wanted to stop by Joan’s house on Christmas morning, drop off their gifts, and tell her the news. Brian always bought his mother, his sister, and his nephews Christmas gifts, well, more accurately, Cynthia always bought them gifts from him. This year, Justin bought the gifts. Brian wondered if he would give in come Christmas morning. As of this moment though, he had no intention of going to ‘that’ woman’s house on Christmas morning.

Family politics’ aside, Brian decided to tell Lindsey about the baby in person, before Christmas day. He did not have the heart to drop another bomb on her publicly. Besides, he needed to talk to her. It was time.

He looked up and saw he was standing in front of Starbucks. He dropped his cigarette to the ground and went inside to order a Venti Mocha Latte. The temperature was dropping rapidly outside and it was getting late.

He took his coffee to a small table by the window and pulled out his cell. Time was running out, and he’d yet to get Justin his gift. It didn’t look like he’d find anything tonight, so he called for car service.

His next stop would be Mel and Lindsey’s.

He hadn’t talked to Lins since the celebration. He spoke to Mel when he wanted to see Gus. Mel would swing by and drop him off, or if she couldn’t, Justin would go pick him up. Brian made sure to cut all contact with Lindsey for the time being.

If Lindsey was hurt, she gave no indication. She was friendly and polite to Justin when he picked Gus up, and Mel told Brian she’d been quiet, but not angry or visibly hurt, although she was sure she had to be.

Brian was about to find out just how hurt Lindsey was. No one knew her better than him. That was part of the problem. He had let this go on for so long, knowing it wasn’t healthy, but too fucking stubborn to admit to himself that it was a serious problem.

Brian spotted the black Sedan pull up to the curb in front of Starbucks. He sighed in resignation and left the coffee shop. Once settled in the car, he gave the driver directions.

He was contemplating what he was going to say to Lindsey when they passed PIFA. It was late, but all the lights were on. Justin was there. He’d been there almost every night the past week working on some project. He usually didn’t get home until very late, and always exhausted. Brian hoped, for the teacher's sake, that he got a fucking A on the project with all the effort he was putting into it. Brian had given up some serious fucking time in the name of Justin’s art this week.

Brian sat in the dark, in the back of the luxury sedan, and subconsciously rubbed his stiffening cock through his wool pants. Thoughts of his blond, blue-eyed addiction inevitably brought on his current condition. He hadn’t seen or spoke to him since this morning and already he was missing him. God, he was pathetic he thought, with a smile.

It was of course, all Justin’s fault. Since their celebration, Brian noticed Justin touched him more. Little, subtle touches that he didn’t think Justin was even aware of. When they were eating, shopping, dancing at Babylon, or just sitting at home, Justin would reach out and graze his fingers lightly over his skin. When they were talking, he would lay his hand on Brian's arm or wrist. When he wanted to show him something, he’d lean in and lightly touch his shoulder or back. When he walked by him, he would make sure to either brush up against him, or reach out and make contact. These were not sexual touches, which he often did as well, but more like subconscious support contact.

It wasn’t obvious, but Brian was too in tune to Justin not to notice it. It was as if with each touch, he was reaffirming that they were ‘real’ and it wasn’t going to all disappear. Brian knew that feeling all too well. So he encouraged Justin’s little ‘affirmation’ touches, as he dubbed them, with much pleasure and comfort.

Brian had grown used to those touches these past weeks, and now craved them.

The sedan turned the corner and onto a back road. Brian recognized it. He sometimes took this road when going to Lindsey. It was a short cut.

He idly looked out the window at the snow-covered landscape; his thoughts lost in the vast arctic scenery when he saw it.

“Stop the car.”

The driver pulled over and Brian got out. The road was pretty much uninhabited. There was only a handful of houses on it, including the one for sale that caught Brian’s eye.

It was an old building, in need of much repair, but there was something about it. Brian walked over the snow-covered grass and circled the house.

It sat up higher then the other houses, on a small hill. It was a big sprawling monstrosity of a building. Dead vines clung to the now decaying structure, hiding what must have been a beautiful piece of architecture in its day.

It had an imposing cupola and an old fashioned veranda. But the main attraction was the huge steel framed walls of glass that covered both the east and west side of the house. He peeked inside and got a glimpse of a large empty room, with wooden plank floors.

Brian could only imagine the light that came through those glass walls into that vast room.

The light…

Brian smiled to himself then took down the number of the realtor.

He got back into the car. Well, he thought to himself smugly, that’s one problem solved. Now, on to Lindsey.

 

***

“Hey…Um... It’s kind of late Bri, Gus is sleeping. You should have called,” Mel said uneasily.

She and Lins were just settling down to watch a video when the knock came on the door. It was late, and they weren’t expecting company.

“I’m here to see Lindsey.”

Mel stepped outside the house and closed the door slightly behind her, pushing Brian back.

“This is NOT a good time,” she whispered angrily.

“Mel, there is never going to be a good time. Now let me in.”

Mel shot him a warning look. “Fine. But promise me, you won’t hurt her anymore.”

“I can’t make that promise, Mel, you know that. I can’t help it if the truth hurts her.”

Mel narrowed her eyes, not liking his response, but not having any choice. She stepped back and let him in.

Brian took off his coat and handed it to Mel.

“She’s in the living room.” Mel nodded her head in that direction.

“I’ll be upstairs,” she said, then hung his coat up and left him standing in the hallway.

“Mel, hun, who is it?” Brian heard Lindsey call out.

He took a deep breath and walked into the living room.

Lindsey looked up at him and blinked twice. “Brian, I wasn’t expecting you,” she said rising from the couch and wrapping the tie to her robe around her more securely. “Is anything wrong?”

Brian went over to her and gave her a hug. He then held her by the shoulders, at arms' length and smiled into her eyes. “Yes, there is something wrong. It’s been wrong for a long time now, but I’m hoping we can make it right.”

Lindsey turned her head away. Brian could see the red flush creeping up her neck. She knew what he was talking about.

“Lindsey, we need to talk.”

Lindsey pulled away from him. “Can I get you some tea? Are you hungry?”

Brian expected as much. When agitated, or wanting to avoid something, Lindsey slipped into her WASP mode, and used her manners as a shield.

He sat down on the couch and pulled her down with him. “How long?” he asked once they were settled on the worn cushions.

She let out a little nervous laugh. “You’re in a strange mood. You didn’t take E from Anita again, did you? You know she cooks that shit up in the bathtub,” she said, avoiding his question.

“I asked you a question Lins, how fucking long?”

Lindsey grew angry. “How do you expect me to answer that? How long what!”

“How long have you been harboring this fantasy of you and me getting married?”

Lindsey gasped. “That’s nonsense! I don’t know who’s been telling you…”

“Cut the bullshit, Lins. It’s me. We’ve been through too much together. Just fucking tell me, how long.”

Lindsey sighed and flopped back against the couch. “It’s not a fantasy. Honestly. It’s kind of just a thought that has always been there, in the back of my head.”

“Back in college?”

She looked over at him. “God, Brian, it is so much more complicated than you or Mel can imagine. It’s not easy to explain.”

“Try.”

Lindsey took a deep breath and brought her hands up to her face. She pressed her palms against her cheeks as if to ward off the blush she knew was going to surface. “Ok, here it is. When I first met you in college, I thought you were so cool. You had this fuck you attitude. No apologies, no regrets. You lived by your own rules. I was still living under my parents’ rules. I envied, and wanted to emulate, you. If you remember, I initiated our friendship.”

Brian just nodded, urging her to continue.

“I knew I was gay back then, but hid it. My parents and friends back home didn’t know and there was no way I could tell them.” She shook her head.

“I remember.”

“Yeah, well you may remember, but you didn’t understand. Not then, not now.”

Brian narrowed his eyes. “So explain it to me.”

“I grew up in a world where things were expected of me. I was taught that in order to be ‘acceptable’ you had to be a certain way. I wasn’t. And all I ever wanted was to be was accepted. Especially by my parents. Even as a little girl, I tried so hard to please my father, yet nothing I ever did seemed good enough. My sister got all the attention. She was prettier, more charming and a social queen which, by the way, is so much more important than being smart in my family.”

Brian reached over and rubbed her arm, urging her to continue.

“I went to college to get my degree. I figured I’d have something over my sister. You see she didn’t go to college; didn’t need to. She married a very rich man, and they threw great fucking parties. My parents weren’t even upset when she divorced him. She quickly remedied that by remarrying another rich man of influence.” Lindsey got up and started pacing in front of Brian.

He sat looking at her. God, she’d been repressing some serious insecurities.

“So I said, fine. I’ll get my Master’s degree and then my father will be proud of me. And he NEVER needs to know that I secretly like women, you see, because THAT was unacceptable, and my goal, was to be accepted. But then, I met you.” She stopped pacing and stared at him. “And you were perfect.”

Brian made a face.

Lindsey laughed. “Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean as in perfect human being, Lord knows you are flawed, VERY flawed.”

“Ok, enough,” Brian cautioned.

Lindsey blushed and continued to pace. “Perfect in the sense that you were comfortable with who you were. You gave me the courage to face myself. And to show myself to the world, starting with my parents.” Lindsey stopped pacing and smiled sadly at Brian. “My intentions were good, the results however, disastrous.”

“What happened?” Brian asked the question that begged to be asked. He knew Lindsey didn’t come out to her parents until after she met Mel. Mel was the one who actually pushed her into telling her parents about them.

“My father came to visit me at school one day. God, Brian, you should have seen me. I was so fucking brave, all ready to tell him who I was, and if he didn’t like it, then that was his problem. But you see he brought the son of one of his friends with him. It threw me off guard. We had lunch, all very polite mind you, and then when he was ready to leave, he pulled me aside. He told me how proud he was of me.” Lindsey paused at this point. “OF ME! He was proud of ME Brian. Those words I’ve been waiting for all my life were finally being said! And then you know what he said?” she asked, disgust written all over her face.

Brian was afraid to ask, but did anyway. “What?”

“He said Greg, that was the boy he brought with him, really took a liking to me. THAT was why he was proud of me! Not because of any of my accomplishments, or hard work at school, but because some boy he approved of liked me. I felt like dying that day. I knew, then and there, that the only way my father was really going to accept me was if I were to marry, have kids and be the perfect hostess.” She plopped back down on the couch and buried her face in her hands. “That night, I went to your room with a bottle of Beam. Remember? We got really drunk and we fucked. I planned it,” she said through her hands, shame heavy in her voice.

Brian didn’t say a word. He was not about to let her off the hook. He let her compose herself then asked her to continue.

She looked at him defeated then continued. “I’ve always loved you, Brian. I worshipped you back in college. You were everything I wanted to be. Strong, courageous and proud. At first, I’ll admit, I thought hey, we could be together. I mean, fucking you wasn’t half bad.”

Brian looked affronted.

She laughed nervously. “Well you didn’t think it was so bad at the time.”

“I was drunk, and young. Back then I’d get a hard on if my pants were too tight. Which they always were by the way.”

Lindsey cringed. “Ok, so it wasn’t perfect. Still, we were best of friends and I started thinking what a great couple we’d make. The fact that we were both gay was irrelevant. I had this whole perfect picture marriage planned out for us. I knew my parents would love you. It was obvious even back then that you were going places, Brian. You had ambition, and you were fucking brilliant. And even though, in the back of my head, I always KNEW you’d never live a lie, I had hope that one day, because of the success you were going to be, that you would need a wife. And I’d be this perfect hostess to all your business associates. And we’d still have our ‘affairs’ on the side. How pathetic is that?”

“Pretty,” Brian said ruthlessly.

Lindsey gave him a hurt look. Brian ignored it.

“Point is, the years went by, and I held onto that thought. You were always there for me, and I for you. As the years went by, it became easier and easier, to believe it really could happen one day.”

“Lins, what about Mel? Why did you still harbor these thoughts after you two got together?”

“Actually, I didn’t. I fell hard for Mel. Any thoughts of us left the minute she kissed me. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I’ve never been happier in my life.”

“So what changed?”

“Me. I wanted to make Mel happy, and part of that meant I had to tell my parents. Well, you know how that went. They pretty much ignored me from that point on. It hurt, bad. They hid my relationship with Mel from the rest of my family. I became a leper. I couldn’t bear it, my whole life, my foundation was with my family and it was all crumbling before my eyes. I couldn’t bear the thought of losing them. I needed to be back in their good graces so I decided to have a baby. I figured if they had a grandchild, they would then have to accept me.”

“Jesus Christ, Lins, it’s a good thing I didn’t know about this when I agreed to be the donor!” Brian said, clearly aggravated with Lindsey’s confession.

“I know, I won’t deny it was a lousy reason to want a baby, but it wasn’t the only reason. You have to believe me. I wanted to be a mother! I was nearing thirty, and was faced with the ugly reality that there were certain things Mel could not give me. Only YOU could, and that’s when I started thinking about us again,” Lindsey said, once again burying her face in her hands.

“But I didn’t want to lose Mel. I love her, that hasn’t changed. Yet my desire to be accepted by my family is still strong.” She looked up at Brian, tears in her eyes. “When I saw you stand up and declare your love for Justin, in front of everyone, it hit me then that it was over for me. Any hopes I ever had of being accepted by my family were crushed. You were my last hope, Brian.”

“Any hope of us being together as a couple was lost the first time I fucked a guy, which, by the way, was way before I even met you.”

“You’re just full of brutal honesty tonight, aren’t you?” Lindsey snapped.

“Oh, I’m sorry. That part of me is only attractive when it’s aimed at someone else apparently,” Brian said, sarcasm dripping with each word.

He was very disappointed in Lindsey. The fact that she still believed she wasn’t good enough to get her parents approval was bullshit. What was worse, was the fact she thought he was the answer. This was the mother of his son and he was not going to allow her to continue wasting her life fighting a lost cause.

“Lindsey, Justin is it for me. He’s my future. Whether you’re in it or not, is debatable at this point. Justin and Gus are the only two certainties I have in life. And you should also know, Justin and I found a surrogate who is currently pregnant with our baby.” Brian sat back and waited for Lindsey’s reaction.

Sometimes, Brian thought, the only way to wake someone up from a dream was to shock them out of it. A bucket of ice water usually did the trick, and he had just dumped one over Lindsey’s head.

“But I thought…” Lindsey stammered, her eyes wide with shock.

“NO, you weren’t thinking. You were dreaming. And personally, I’m bored of being part of your ridiculous fantasy.” Brian aimed to hurt.

He could see the look of pain in her eyes. He pressed forward.

“Hate me, Lins. Hate me if it helps you to get over me. Hate me so you can finally see what’s good for you. And that’s Mel. She’s your future. And Gus. And maybe you two should think about having another child. With a different donor. But for God sakes, Lins, get on with your life! Stop acting like some little girl still trying to get mommy and daddy’s approval. Fuck ‘em.” Brian’s voice was harsh and unyielding.

“How DARE you!” Lindsey screamed, her anger now surpassing her hurt. “You have no fucking clue how I feel! Your parents never loved you! Your father wanted to abort you, for God sakes, how could you possibly understand what it’s like to lose your parents' love if you never had it to begin with!”

A flash of pain crossed Brian’s face, but was quickly replaced by a blank mask.

Lindsey saw it, but was beyond caring. He wanted honesty, FINE; he was going to get some of it back.

“That may be true; however, I was loved by family, just not by my biological parents. And if that family rejected me because I was gay, I would have told them to go fuck themselves, and I would have walked away. No apologies, no regrets. You see, because that’s not love. That’s hate.”

And he meant it. As much as he loved Maria, Andy and Rena, if they rejected him for who he was, he would have walked away. He was lucky though, they loved him, unconditionally.

If anyone had a reason to reject him it was Andy. Andy was straight, and Brian was in love with him. Yet Andy loved him even knowing. On his deathbed, he let Brian kiss him. Brian would never forget that. The feel of Andy’s lips yielding to his own. Andy didn’t merely “allow” Brian to kiss him, he welcomed it. That was love. If anyone didn’t have a clue, it was Lindsey. Brian was loved, and that love was ripped away from him. He more than understood.

Lindsey’s shoulders slumped in defeat. “Then you’re a lot stronger than I am,” she whispered.

Brian made an exasperated sound. “Bullshit.”

“No, it’s true. I’m fucking thirty-two years old and STILL trying to form a relationship with my parents. It’s important to me. I came out to them HOPING, God, I’m starting to hate that word, that SOMEHOW they’d be able to accept me. I knew they’d never approve of me being gay, but I was willing to settle for them just accepting it. But they can’t even do that! They don’t even fucking acknowledge our son!” Lindsey choked out that last part.

“Fuck em,” Brian reiterated his advice, only more firmly this time.

Lindsey let out a bitter laugh. “Easy for you to say.”

“Easy or hard, say it, Lindsey. It’s got to be a lot easier than facing their rejection time and time again all these years. Maybe, just maybe, if you told them to go fuck themselves, and truly cut yourself off from them, they’d realize what they lost. As it is now, you kowtow to them like a fucking meek lamb. Why? Why the fuck do you still run when they call? Why do you bring Gus over to see them when by your own admission, they don’t even recognize him as their grandson? Why do you continually invite them to dinner only to be stood up time and time again? FUCK 'EM! Say it, Lindsey, and you know what will happen?”

Lindsey looked at him warily. Her head was spinning from all he was telling her.

“They’ll either realize what shits they’ve been and try to make amends with you, or you won’t hear from them ever again, which at least then you’ll know that they don’t love you, and you can start investing your time, and emotional energy on people who DO love you. It’s a hard pill to swallow, I know, but one you MUST take. You can’t live like this. Living on fantasies that will NEVER come true, and feasting on false hopes of what could be. FUCK EM, Lins!” Brian was shouting at this point.

Lindsey couldn’t take it anymore. She broke down and cried.

Mel heard the shouting from upstairs and came running down.

“What the fuck did you do to her, Kinney?” she screamed and ran over to embrace Lindsey.

“I spoke the truth. Oh, and I also told her Justin and I are having a baby. Our surrogate is pregnant,” Brian announced without emotion.

“Bastard!” Mel spat at him. “Though I shouldn’t be surprise. It’s a typical Kinney move. Throw them off the fucking mountain for their own good, right, Bri? It’s your fucking mountain; you get to choose who stays and who goes. But tell me, how’s that God complex of yours going to survive once you’ve thrown all your worshipers off the mighty Kinney cliff?”

Brian got up from the couch. “Believe what you want, Mel. Truth is, Lindsey’s very important to me. I’m not giving up on her. But I won’t allow her to be a victim of her own insecurities. It’s time she showed some backbone. I know she has one, I’ve seen it. She just needs to re-locate it.”

He bent down and pulled Lindsey away from Mel’s embrace.

“HEY!” Mel yelled and went to pull Lindsey back.

“DON’T!” Brian’s voice was impregnable; it stopped Mel in her tracks.

“Don’t fucking coddle her. She needs to earn your love at this point, Mel. You’ve given her yours, unconditionally, it’s time she returned the favor.”

Mel’s eyes welled up. “She’s not you, Brian.”

“No, she’s not. She’s much stronger. She’s held onto a hope I never would have had the strength to hold onto for so long. And it’s that same tenacity that will get her through this, but she has to do it on her own.” Brian pulled Lindsey to her feet. She stood and wiped her eyes. “Life is too short, Lins. If you don’t take control of yours now, you’ll spend the rest of it miserable, and end up alone. Without the love of your parents, or your partner. Think about it.”

Lindsey was too emotionally wrought to respond. She turned away from him.

Brian turned to leave, but then stopped. His conscience wouldn’t let him leave on that note. He turned back around. “Lindsey… No matter what you decide, I’ll always be there for you and Gus.”

Lindsey looked at him with such a sad expression on her face; it broke Brian’s heart. He grabbed his coat from the closet and left the house.

 

***

The sedan had been waiting outside, on his instructions. He got in the back and gave directions for home. He pulled out his cell and dialed.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“Do I walk on water?” Brian asked.

“Ouch. Who brought up your God complex?” Justin answered.

Brian cursed. “I don’t have a God complex.”

“You like to control the lives of those around you. Technically, some would call that a God complex.”

“What would you call it?”

There was a moment of silence on the other end. “I would call it fear. Fear of losing again that which has been denied to you for so long. Love. You had no control over what happened to Andy. And you lost him. Then you had to let Rena go and it killed you. You thought you’d never see her again. I hate to quote a cliché, but if you love someone, set them free. I think you know the rest. You did, and she came back to you. And you know, I’m not going anywhere.”

Brian sighed. “Yeah, well you are the exception. Trying to control you is like trying to solve an algebra problem by chewing gum. Futile. You always have been, and continue to be, too fucking impulsive. As far as you not going anywhere, I couldn’t get rid of you if I tried, and God knows, I tried!” Brian said teasingly.

Justin laughed.

“But the only reason I didn’t lose Rena, was because I did have control over what happened to her. I took her away from that animal before he could hurt her. I’m just sorry I wasn’t able to take Andy away…” Brian said somberly.

Justin got a chill at Brian’s words. Brian did not know about Rena’s rape. He didn’t know that when he left her alone for that week he was in New York with his family, her father had brutally raped her, to the point that today, she was unable to have children because of it.

“Justin?” Brian broke through his thoughts.

“Yeah, I’m here.”

“What’s wrong?”

“Brian, you can’t control what happens to people. No matter how hard you try. Bad shit happens, by no fault of your own. It just happens,” Justin said a little to fearfully.

“Easy, Sunshine. We’re past that, aren’t we? I don’t blame myself anymore for what Hobbs did to you. What James is doing is necessary for your protection, not because I need to be absolved of any guilt over what happened to you. You were right. Whether I went to your prom or not, Hobbs had intended to attack you. I’m just glad I was there to call 911.” Once said, Brian was disturbed that he inadvertently brought up that unpleasant memory.

Justin sighed. He wasn’t talking about his own attack, though he could not tell Brian that. That had to come from Rena. “Come home.”

“I’m on my way,” Brian said then hung up. He looked out the car window and allowed his thoughts to wander.

Maybe Justin was right. He did tend to dictate to those he loved how they should live their lives. But it was because he wanted them safe, which was a joke actually.

He was crazy to think he had any control over life’s little surprises. The truly life altering events could never be planned for. They blind-sided you when you least expected it. Though that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing.

Sometimes those life-altering events were very bad, but then again, sometimes they were very, very good. Like meeting your soulmate on some back street, under a lamppost, or better yet, having a child with him. Now, who saw that coming?

Brian smiled when he saw the Tremont street sign. Home. Soon, the days stress would be wiped away, and all it would take is something so simple, yet so rewarding.

One of Justin’s “affirmation” touches.

 

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