Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 49

“Revenge is a confession of pain.” ~ Latin proverb


***

 

“We were ridiculously romantic,” Justin stated, yet again, in a tired, languid voice.

Brian sighed in resignation and pulled him tighter against his body. They were both comfortably ensconced in their bed at the loft, each were painfully sated from hours of intense sex.

It was the closest to being at peace that Brian had ever felt.

He closed his eyes and held on to the moment, knowing it would pass all too soon.

Justin stretched like a lazy cat against him, flexing his sore muscles. The movement was unbearably seductive and Brian’s body instinctively responded.

“Of course the best part of the evening was when your lips brushed against my ear so briefly that I thought for a moment I must have imagined it. But I didn’t. And then you said it. You dipped me and whispered into my ear, “I love you…” Mmmm… I remember it so clearly…” Justin continued in a smooth, liquid tone as he snuggled deeper into Brian. Brian smiled at his blond’s ploy.

Getting his memory back took a big burden from Justin’s shoulder. It both surprised and elated Brian that Justin remembered that night with excitement and joy, and not with pain or anger. Brian feared for the longest time that if Justin should ever regain his memory, he would be bitter and angry. He should have known better. That wasn’t his Sunshine.

His Sunshine chose to view the events of that night as magical and romantic. Ever the idealist.

And of course, in typical “Sunshine” fashion, he also chose to torture Brian with his newfound memory by reminding him of every “ridiculously romantic” detail of that night.

“Yes, I remember it too, Sunshine. And I remembered it the first time you told me tonight at the hotel when we started dancing. And the second time you told me, when I slammed you up against the ballroom wall and fucked you. And my memory was still intact when I dragged you to the car and fucked you again. I won’t even mention the five times or more you’ve told me since we’ve been home. I’m not the one who needs reminding, remember?”

Brian teased and playfully nipped at the soft spot just below Justin’s ear. He was happy Justin was reliving that night as if it were some romantic fantasy. He was even allowing himself to get lost in Justin’s version of that night. But the truth was, Brian’s memory of that fateful night was riddled with pain and guilt. Yes, they were happy, but their happiness cost them dearly. Love came at a price. A very high price that Brian had paid once too many times.

Justin’s memory was vivid and painfully accurate. They now shared that curse, though Justin chose to view it as a gift, and not a curse.

Yes, he remembered telling Justin that he loved him for the first time that fateful night. He was glad they now shared that particular memory.

But there were some things that, thankfully, Justin didn’t remember. Things Brian would never forget.

He would never forget that it was his romantic gesture of showing up at the prom that provoked the attack.

He would never forget the sick, helpless feeling that consumed him as he held his love in his arms, his life hanging by a thread as his fingers, numb from shock, fumbled as he tried to dial 911.

He would never forget riding in the ambulance and watching the paramedic’s perform CPR on Justin when his heart stopped beating for a second.

He would never forget sitting for three days and three nights in the waiting room, numb, unable to talk, eat or move.

He would never forget the crashing reality that hit him when Justin awoke and he found out that he would never be the same again, emotionally or physically.

And he would never forget that it was his fault.

No, Justin didn’t need to remind him.

Brian would never forget the events of that night, no matter how hard he has tried over the past two years.

Justin giggled, dizzily unaware of Brian’s dark thoughts. He was floating on a cloud. It was four in the morning and he was with the love of his life, and he had his memory back.

“We were amazing, weren’t we?” Justin asked quietly.

Brian held his breath for a minute. “We were alright,” he finally said.

He felt Justin stiffen. He nuzzled Justin’s neck, and licked the small mark his teeth had left on his sensitive skin. “You were amazing,” he whispered.

Justin let his body relax against Brian’s. Some time passed before Brian heard him speak again. He was just starting to doze off.

“Bri?”

“hmmm…”

“Why did it take you over two years to say it again?”

Brian groaned. He knew this was coming. When he saw Justin tonight, dressed in that tuxedo, looking more radiant then he had ever seen him, including that night at the prom, he knew Justin had his memory back. The boy positively glowed with joy and love. It floored and humbled Brian.

They spent the night reliving the dance, and the love that flowed so easily between them that night, each avoiding talking about the terrible events that ended that evening. But Brian knew, sooner or later, they were going to have to deal with it.

The “Honeymoon” period of the return of Justin’s memory was about to end. It gave Brian no joy knowing that the cruel reality of that night was about to crush his boy’s fantasy.

Brian shifted over onto his other side, unable to face Justin. His chest felt heavy. A familiar feeling that came each time he was reminded of the awful events of that night.

“Our dance, as amazing as it was,” Brian started to say in a very tight voce, “was also the cause of your attack,” Brian stated flatly.

Justin also knew this was coming. Though he did view the events of that night as magical and romantic, he was very much aware that it also held memories of pain and destruction.

However, unlike Brian, Justin was able to revel in the beauty of that night without letting the events that followed taint it. Though he was the one who was bashed, Brian was the one who had witnessed it. He knew if the situation were reversed, Justin would have not been strong enough to watch Brian suffer. Justin was glad it was him, and not Brian who was attacked. It was far worse to watch someone you love suffer then to suffer yourself.

For too long Brian carried around painful memories that Justin had no recollection of, but worse than that, he carried the extra burdened of guilt. A guilt that was unwarranted, and it was about time Brian knew the truth of what really happened that night.

“Brian, look at me,” Justin said confidently and quietly.

Brian didn’t move. He couldn’t look at Justin, if he did Justin would see the guilt, the rightful guilt, in his eyes and now that he got his memory back, he would surely hate him for being the reason he nearly got killed.

Justin watched Brian’s back, and the slight shudder in his shoulders. His heart lurched. He knew the pain Brian was experiencing.

He reached over and placed his hand on Brian’s shoulder. Brian accepted his touch quietly.

“I know I told you a long time ago it wasn’t your fault, but even though I believed it then, I didn’t KNOW it to be true until I got my memory back. There are things that happened that night that you don’t know about, that I had forgotten.”

This got Brian’s attention. He turned around to face Justin. Justin’s breath caught in his throat when he saw the unshed tears in Brian’s eyes.

He placed his hands on Brian’s chest. “I couldn’t put two and two together before because I only had part of the equation.”

Brian sat up and looked at Justin. “What are you talking about?”

Justin steeled himself. He was putting this part off because he knew Brian would be angry with him. It was selfish of him but he didn’t want to ruin the joy of sharing the memory of the dance with him. He should have told Brian first off. Brian had suffered enough, and for too long.

“Do you remember I told you and my mother that I wasn’t going to the prom?”

Brian nodded his head as a smile played on his lips. “Yeah, I remember. You said there was no way you were taking part in some fucking hetero ritual.”
 

“But as I recall, your mother and Deb talked you into it.”

Justin gave him a dubious look. “Come on, Bri, you know me better than that. Do you think anyone can talk me into doing something I don’t want to do? Hell, my mother AND Deb both tried to talk me out of chasing you. And look how well that turned out.” Justin smiled brilliantly at Brian.

Brian laughed. “Ok, you got me there. So what did change your mind?” he asked, almost afraid to hear the answer.

“Chris Hobbs.”

The name loomed foul and chilling in the air between them.

“I think you better explain yourself, Sunshine.”

“I meant what I said. I had no intention of going to that farce. I hated most of the kids there, you know that. Daphne was the only friend I had at the school, and she had no trouble getting a date to the prom. She turned down an offer with the captain of the swim team to go with me because I asked her. Of course that was before I asked you, and you turned me down,” Justin said nervously, his words strung together tightly and coming out rapidly.

Brian recognized the ploy. “Get to the point.”

Justin took a deep breath. “The week before the prom Chris came up to me and told me I had better not show my “fag” ass at the prom if I knew what was good for me.”

“Jesus fuck, Justin! Why didn’t you tell me this?” Brian sprang from the bed and stared down at Justin.

“Brian, calm down. I know it was stupid of me, but I was NOT about to let him scare me away from the prom!”

“YOU SHOULD HAVE!”

“Yeah, well, I didn’t.” Justin paused and stood up to face Brian. “I knew he was bent on starting trouble that night. I kind of expected it. Showing up was a rebellious act on my part. But I wasn’t about to let him, or anyone, dictate to me where I could, and couldn’t go. And then you came to the prom, and it didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. YOU came for me. Hobbs had completely left my mind.”

Brian’s expression turned cold and impassive. Justin knew he was blaming himself for showing up and provoking Hobbs into attacking Justin. But that wasn’t’ the case.

“It wasn’t your fault, Brian. Before you even showed up, Hobbs came up to me and laughed in my face. He told me he knew I’d show up, and that he was ready. He said it was time I got what I deserved.” Justin paused, waiting to see how Brian would take this bit of new information.

Brian remained impassive. Justin could see that the implications of what he just said didn’t hit him yet.

Justin took a deep breath before he continued. “Brian, do you think Hobbs just “happened” to have a baseball bat in his limo that night?”

And there it was. Brian’s eyes narrowed and darkened dangerously. Realization hit him hard and his nostrils flared with his anger. Hobbs intended to attack Justin all along. Brian’s presence had nothing to do with it. Hobbs PLANNED it all along. A chill ran down his spine.

Justin pressed on. “Brian, you really did save my life. Hobbs was waiting for me to show up. He planned it. Your presence had nothing to do with it. I can’t even begin to think of what could have happened if you weren’t there! Hobbs would have found a way to lure me into some remote place and attack me and leave me to bleed to death. God knows how long I would have lain in a pool of my own blood before someone found me, that’s assuming someone would have found me at all. He could have easily dragged me to the lake behind the hotel and dumped me in there!” Justin spoke with frank, raw emotion.

Brian turned away from Justin. Rage consumed him. He had always believed that it was his presence that provoked Hobbs into attacking Justin; he never considered that Hobbs had planned it all along. It made Brian’s blood boil, and hate burned deep in his gut.

A stupid act committed out of a moment’s rage was far different from that of a premeditated attempt at murder. This put Hobbs in a whole new category. Not some stupid kid who did a stupid thing that almost cost someone their life, but a cold hearted killer, who calculated to, at the very least, hurt Justin bad.

Justin saw Brian’s back stiffen; he put his hand on his shoulder and slowly urged him around to face him again.

“I know how you feel, I felt the same way at first but we can’t let this consume us. It’s done. The courts failed us and I can’t allow either of us to do something stupid that will not only lower us to his level, but also destroy our family. Let it go Brian, we have no choice. Let’s just thank God that he didn’t accomplish what he set out to do.”

Justin knew exactly how Brian felt. When he was in session with Rena, and that part of the evening came back to him, rage coursed through his veins like fire. Thoughts of vengeance clouded his thinking.

He discussed it at length with Rena. It was frustrating to know Hobbs got away with attempted murder. It wasn’t how the Judge concluded; an impulsive, irresponsible act committed in the heat of rage, with no premeditated thought, brought on by the “spectacle” he and Brian made of their “unnatural” relationship. It was just the opposite; Hobbs had planned to hurt Justin way before Brian showed up. It WAS premeditated, but Justin couldn’t refute the Judge’s decision, because Justin had no recollection of Hobbs’ threat that night.

Fucking homophobic court system! But there was nothing to be done about it. Revenge was not an option. Rena made him see the logic of that. She also made him realize that the hardest part would be convincing Brian of that. They each had too much to lose. The courts would not be so understanding if he or Brian were to stand before it defending themselves for committing the same heinous act.

Brian looked down into Justin’s eyes and saw fear. Justin knew he would never be able to let this go now. Not that he ever had, but this was too much to bear. Hobbs planned to attack Justin, and he very well could have killed him. It wasn’t an impulsive act committed in the heat of rage. It was premeditated. Hobbs was more dangerous than Brian had thought and he had to deal with it.

Justin started to panic. He could read every vengeful, hateful emotion in his eyes.

“Brian, please, don’t! Promise me you won’t do anything! I know you, Brian! Stay away from Hobbs! This state has the death penalty for God sakes! He’s not worth it. Don’t do this to us!” Justin spoke his fears bluntly and passionately.

There were two things in this life that Justin was sure of. One was Brian’s love for him. The second was that Brian would give his life to protect Justin.

Brian now believed that as long as Hobbs lived, he was a threat to Justin. It was why he dreaded telling Brian this crucial detail he remembered from that night, but he had no choice. The alternative was to let Brian go on believing he was the cause of Justin’s attack. It was a case of damned if he did, damned if he didn’t. And the look in Brian’s eyes was telling him they were both damned if Brian went through with Justin’s worse fear.

He grabbed Brian’s forearms and pulled him towards him in desperation. Tears welled in his eyes. “Promise me!”

Brian put his hands on Justin’s shoulders and squeezed them gently. He forced his face to relax as he smiled down at him.

“Easy, tiger…” he said a bit too jovially. “I’m not going to do anything stupid. Hell, I’d have to marry you first before I can make you a widower. And you KNOW I’m not the marrying type,” he said with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes.

Justin relaxed a bit. He reached up and hugged Brian’s neck pressing his body tightly against his own.

“I just want us to go forward and live our lives in peace for a change,” he cried into Brian’s neck.

Brian wrapped his arms around him and hugged him fiercely. “Shhh… It’s going to be fine, I promise,” he whispered.

Justin calmed a bit and let Brian lead him back into bed. Brian pulled the covers up over them and drew Justin tight against him. He stroked his hair and whispered soothing, reassuring words to him. The last thing he wanted was for Justin to worry about Hobbs. Ever again.

“You promise, Brian?” Justin asked again in a weak voice.

Brian kissed the top of his head. “I promise.”

Justin relaxed and started to drift off. Everything would be fine, Brian promised…

As sleep claimed Justin, a nagging thought remained. Brian promised everything was going to be fine. He didn’t promise to stay away from Hobbs.

 

***

Rena lounged back on the white leather couch in her living room, her blank eyes staring out through the massive windows that took up the entire length of her living room walls. The stars were brilliant tonight and the view was spectacular. But Rena could find no joy in it, or the two bottles of wine she consumed tonight.

The events of the evening replayed in her mind over and over again. She was very pleased and excited that Justin got his memory back. It was a huge step in the healing process. He accepted the events of that evening with an understanding and acceptance that was unexpected. He focused on the love, not the pain. A talent she wished he could teach Brian.

Brian…

Not for the first time that evening did she question her decision to help Justin get his memory back. It was one of those catch 22 situations. Damned if she did, damned if she didn’t. If she hadn’t agreed, her brother and Justin would have had the burden of that night hanging over their heads forever. The guilt of being “responsible” for Justin’s bashing would have festered in Brian as time went on.

She couldn’t have let that happened, but there were times when not knowing was better than knowing. And this may be one of those times.

Justin remembered Hobbs threatening him at the dance. It was not Brian’s presence that set Hobbs off, Hobbs had intended to attack Justin long before Brian was even in the picture.

She knew what Brian would do once he found out.

And she knew what she had to do to prevent that.

She awkwardly reached over and grabbed a cigarette from the coffee table along with the Zippo lighter and tried several times to light it before she managed to spark the tip. Once she accomplished that feat, she threw the Zippo back onto the coffee table and watched it skid across the slick surface to land on the floor on the other side. She picked up the bottle of wine again with her other hand and took a deep swig as she fell back against the couch. The cigarette dangled from her dainty fingers over the side of the couch. Tiny hot ashes fell to the floor.

This was how James found her when he walked in. It was half past four in the morning and he was just getting in. He had spent the last several hours with Emmett arguing. It was NOT a pleasant evening for him, and coming home to find Rena in this condition did nothing to improve his mood.

He walked over to her and plucked the near empty bottle of Ata Rengi Chardonnay out of her hand. At $800 a bottle she should at least use a glass, he thought sullenly.

He put the bottle down on the coffee table and sighed deeply as he sat down besides her. She looked over at him with drunken, glazed eyes. He frowned. He’d seen those eyes before. Once. When Emilian had called her. His heart raced.

“Domina, what has happened?”

Rena looked over at her “man”. She often wondered what she did in life to deserve him. Next to Brian, James was the only other man Rena trusted. For some reason not known to her, or anyone else, James took her under his wing and pledged his loyalty to her. She did nothing to deserve it. At first, he was just her bodyguard. Viv had hired him to protect her. But as time went on, he became so much more.

There was a connection between them that was unmistakable. They should be much closer then they were, but James had always managed to keep the relationship at arms lengths. And it wasn’t because he was gay. It was because he respected the “protector/protected” roles they adopted.

He was her protector. And as such, he protected her even from himself.

She remembered the time she had seduced him. She had mistakenly thought he was in love with her from afar. She found out quickly that was not the case. Though he did manage to have sex with her, he did it out of obligation, duty if you will, and not “love”. Not the romantic kind anyway. He was merely servicing his Mistress as she requested. Oddly enough, it did not bruise her ego, it only sparked her curiosity. James was a very curious man.

It was then that Rena realized that James would do anything for her.

Rena had no illusions as to who James was, or what he did before he came to work for Viv. She did not judge him, it was his job. And she was under no illusions that, at times during their relationship, James had to resort to the “skills” of his past profession to protect Rena. A fact she had selfishly filed away in the back of her mind. It was the “dirty” little secret that neither ever acknowledged.

James killed Emilian.

She suspected James knew she knew, but neither spoke of it. What would be the point? He would deny it, and she would only feel guilty that she was the cause of him resorting to murder for her protection. So instead of facing that guilt, she chose to honor the “secrecy” of that particular deed.

Over the years, it became easier. After all, the world was a much better place without Emilian in it. He killed Andy, raped and almost killed her, and stole Brian’s childhood from him. If anyone deserved to die, it was Emilian. Still, in her heart, in her soul, she knew she could not condone his murder. It went against everything her mother had taught her. “May God’s will prevail.” Maria would often say. The only consolation she had was that she did not ask James to kill Emilian. He did that on his own. She didn’t condemn it, but she didn’t condone it either.

It was a luxury to have such a clear conscious on such a serious matter. A luxury she had enjoyed for way too long. A luxury she would no longer be afforded.

Rena saw the heavy concern in James’s eyes.

She cringed inwardly. She knew what she was about to do was not only unfair to James, a man who has dedicated his life to protecting her, it was cruel. After years of unwavering loyalty, she was about to repay him by using him for her own selfish purposes.

She had never lied to James before, and she had no doubt he would know she is lying now. It would not matter to him though. His dedication to her was without question. Her motives were irrelevant.

The one good thing about this whole fucked up situation was that James would know she was doing it for Brian, and James felt the same loyalty towards him, as he did towards her. Well almost the same. If it came down to it, James would save Rena before Brian. She hoped that never came to pass.

It was her turn to save Brian. She was grateful to have this opportunity to save at least one of her brothers.

She had failed both her brothers miserably in the past. She had failed Andy. She should have done more to help him, but she let Brian do the dirty work. And she failed Brian. She was too afraid to do what Brian had the courage to do, risk eternal damnation to end Andy’s suffering. She was ashamed that she did not have the courage to do the task herself.

But now destiny has given her the opportunity to repay him. She mentally laughed at the irony of it all. The longer she lived, the more convinced she was that nothing was left to chance. Destiny ruled all their lives.

She was a trained psychiatrist. A scientist of the medical field taught that there is a scientific answer to all the world’s questions. But as all doctors learn, there are some things in this life that have no explanation and can only be attributed to that elusive thing mankind calls “fate”. What the ancients called Fatum.

And it was fate, which now presented this gift to her.

James saw the myriad of emotions flirt across her delicate features. His brow furrowed in deeper concern. “Domina, you are starting to worry me. Tell me, what has happened?” He asked again, his tone more demanding this time.

Rena sat up on the couch and clumsily reached over to dab the cigarette out in the ashtray on the coffee table. James had to guide her hand, it was too shaky.

She sat back up and faced James. In a small, quiet voice she spoke the words she knew would forever seal her fate.

“Chris Hobbs is a threat to me.”


 

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