Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 46

 “The purpose which guided him was not impossible, though it was supernatural. He wanted to dream a man; he wanted to dream him with minute integrity and insert him into reality.”

-- Jorge Luis Borges

***

 

“…Clap…Clap…Clap…

The sound of clapping hands drove Brian deeper into the thick fog. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was dreaming, or dead. If he were dead, then that would explain the clapping. Someone was applauding his demise. In typical Kinney fashion he snorted. Only one person? Hell, he thought for sure he’d have a bigger audience than that applauding his departure! He expected a standing ovation when his time came. Brian Kinney didn’t do anything in a small way. Not even dying.


“…Clap…Clap…Clap…

He walked towards those lone enthusiastic hands, impatient to see their owner. The ground beneath his feet was pulpy, making his movements painstakingly slow. It felt like he was walking in quicksand. The clapping grew more persistent and louder the deeper he walked into the thick haze. Brian continued to forge ahead, determined to reach his destination.

He was starting to think that his efforts were not to be rewarded, when suddenly the mist around him started to thin. The ground beneath him shifted and solidified. His visibility cleared and he found himself in the center of the greenest pastures he’d ever seen. His feet felt wet. He looked down and saw that he was barefoot and wearing his best Armani slacks. He frowned. The hems were soaked from the dew. Great, fucking $600 dollar pants ruined. His eyes shifted to the grass surrounding his feet. The pasture was unusually green and lush. It was breathtaking; maybe even worth ruining a good pair of pants for, he mused then quickly dismissed that lesbianic thought.

A slight breeze caressed his face and the little hairs on the back of his neck stood up. Those mysterious hands were still clapping and the source was very close, in fact, the sound was right in front of him. He looked up sharply and came face to face with the owner of those exuberant hands.

A broad smile spread across his face. There in front of him was Andy.

He was sitting on his jet-black, 10-speed Schwinn bicycle. The same one he had back in New York when they were kids. God he looked beautiful Brian thought, just like he did before he got sick.

Andy sat sideways on the worn leather bike seat, one foot rested on the ground, while the other perched lazily on one of the pedals, a cigarette dangled from the corner of his mouth. He was clapping his hands.

“Well, kiddo, you finally did it,” Andy said around a puff of smoke as he continued to clap his hands. “You mastered the Frozen Wheelie. I knew you would. Great trick, isn’t it?” Andy stopped clapping. He took the cigarette from his mouth and offered it to Brian. “So tell me, what are you going to do for an encore?”

Brian stepped forward and accepted the cigarette. He took a long hard drag from it and smiled at Andy. God it felt good being with him again.

“I guess I can do a back flip, followed by a tailwhip, then for the grand finale I’ll do a ledge drop off the biggest cliff I can find. I’m sure I’ll bring the house down when I end it by breaking both my legs and my collarbone.” Brian joked and handed the cigarette back to Andy.

Andy laughed. He retrieved the cigarette from Brian and took one last drag from it before throwing it to the ground. He ground it out beneath his foot.

“Too risky, even for you. You’ll have to think of something else. I didn’t come here to watch you break your neck.”

Brian looked around him. “And just where the fuck is here?”

“It’s hard to explain. Just think of this as a place somewhere between your world and mine.”

Brian’s smile faded quickly. It all felt so real, he almost forgot Andy was dead.

“Hey kiddo, why the long face?”

Brian averted his eyes, not wanting Andy to see the sudden tears forming in them. “It’s just been so long...” His voice was hoarse, giving away the emotion he didn’t want Andy to see.

Andy let out a heavy sigh. “I know. I miss you too. But, Brian, its only time. One day we’ll be together again. You, me, Rena, and when Justin’s time comes, he’ll join us too.”

Brian’s eyes shot back to Andy’s. “I am going to die before him?”

Andy’s eyebrow went up. Brian quickly slipped his indifference mask on before Andy could catch the grateful hope in his eyes. “Good. That’s one way to escape that annoying twink,” Brian retorted, though his eyes belied the earnestness of his words.

Andy laughed; he was so onto Brian.

“Yeah, you will. I have it on good authority. The only question is, how much sooner. Not that I wouldn’t mind the company, but kiddo, you’re pushing it.” Andy popped his bike up on its back wheel and held it there, both feet now on the pedals.

Brian laughed and clapped, bowing for emphasis. “Still the king.”

Andy winked at him. “Yeah, well, it’s my talent. Much like fucking up is your talent, kiddo.” He let the bike fall to the ground.

Brian’s mouth dropped open. “Jesus, Andy, tell me how you really feel!” He was starting to feel defensive.

“Ok, how about this. I’m tired of watching you make a mockery out of your life.”

Brian’s jaw dropped open. “What the fuck are you talking about? I have a college degree, I started my own advertising agency, which by the way is very successful, I have one hell of an investment portfolio and several CLIO’s on my shelf. Not to mention I drive a fucking fabulous car.”

Andy shook his head and frowned. “Jesus, Brian, how much in denial are you?”

Brian frowned, confused.

Andy sighed. “You brag about your job, your car, your business and your fucking useless awards. I didn’t hear you brag about your son, your family or the love of your life. Do I need to point out how fucked up that is?”

Brian flinched. Fuck, Andy was right. It was much easier boasting about his professional accomplishments, of which there were many , and not his personal ones, of which there were very few. He felt he was a failure at being a father, a brother and especially as a partner to Justin. Unfortunately, there was not much to brag about in his personal life.

“Andy, it’s not like that.”

Andy cut off Brian’s attempt at an explanation. “You are making a mockery of your life by not embracing the very gifts that were robbed from me. You have a son. You have someone who loves you completely. You have family. All the things that I could have had, but never got the chance. All the things I WANTED for you and Rena! And instead of reveling in your bounty, you hide from it. Usually in a bottle or in someone’s ass. Nice, Brian, real nice.”

Brian stood speechless. What could he say? Guilt washed over him. Andy was right; he was robbed of all the things Brian had, but the truth was, Brian never asked for those gifts. He didn’t deserve them. Andy did. Andy of all people should understand why he hid in the bottle or someone’s ass, as he so eloquently put it! It was what got him through the nightmare of their childhood.

Brian straightened his shoulders and addressed his older brother. “I take care of my son, and my family. I know how special they are so don’t fucking lecture me. And don’t fucking lecture me about my coping methods! I did and DO what I have to in order to get through the day. There are still days that if it weren’t for the booze and the sex I’d lose it and I can’t afford to lose it BECAUSE of the “gifts” I was given, “gifts” that I NEVER asked for by the way!”

“Yeah, well deal with it. And you can lie to yourself, but you can’t lie to me. You’re not “coping”, you are punishing yourself for something you had no control over. It wasn’t your time Brian, it was mine, so stop trying to kill yourself. It’s still not your time.” Andy let that sink in before he continued. “It’s time you got past the fact that it was me who died and not you.”

Brian’s face went blank. Everything inside him recoiled at Andy’s words. He couldn’t acknowledge the truth in them.

Andy reached out and took Brian’s hand and pulled him to where he sat on his bike. He got off and offered the seat to Brian. Brian lifted his long leg and straddled the bike, taking Andy’s place. Andy smiled then went around and leaned over the handlebars and looked up at him.

“Brian, it was my turn, not yours. There was nothing, I mean NOTHING, you could have done to save me. Even if you had attracted Emilian’s attention…”

Brian averted his eyes. He couldn’t hear this, but Andy wasn’t giving him an option. He reached over and placed his hand on Brian’s thigh and squeezed gently.

“Brian, look at me.” Brian turned his head slowly back so that his eyes met Andy’s once more.

“I know you wished Emilian went after you instead of me. You knew you were gay by then and Emilian like young boys. I know you carry the guilt of not luring Emilian away from me. I know you think that if you had, he would have been satisfied with abusing you and left me alone. I’m here to tell you, it’s not true. Even if that did happen, I still would have died. It simply was my time. Not yours.” Andy’s voice was thick with emotion, he stared intently into his younger brothers eyes.

“Brian listen to me, not with your mind, but with your heart. Stop, now, before it’s too late. I’m tired of watching you try to kill yourself time and time again. I watched as you nearly killed yourself in New York. Then again, years later when you stopped hearing from Rena, and one more time, after Justin got hurt.”

Brian sucked his breath in. He never told anyone about that time.

“I know, that was the worst time, I was there.”

“The night you heard one of the nurses at the hospital say they didn’t think the boy was going to come out of the coma was when you lost faith I risked a lot that night, pushing you back. You were halfway here, and I intervened. I can’t do that again.”

Brian’s face felt moist, he realized it was from the silent tears seeping out of his eyes.

Andy pushed himself up from the handlebars and walked around the bike. He pulled Brian off the bike seat and turned him around so that he faced him.

“It’s time to start living your life Brian. Free yourself of the guilt, especially this unearned guilt. Unload this burden you’ve been carrying, it was never yours to begin with; it was fate. Just like you giving me that shot of morphine, saving me from having to do it myself, was fate. Just like meeting Justin under that lamppost was fate. Our destinies are preordained. You can’t control it. You have to trust in it. It’s the only way.” Andy pulled Brian’s head down to rest on his shoulder.

Brian leaned into Andy and wept. The freedom to be able to release all the bad memories, the unresolved feelings and the guilt onto Andy’s shoulders was liberating.

He wept for the little boy inside of him who never dared weep no matter how much pain he was in for fear of appearing vulnerable to the very people who could hurt him the most, who were also the people he loved the most.

He wept for that man who stood in front of the emergency room door night after night and watch as the beautiful young man he loved almost die because of their love. And he wept for Justin. For the pain he went through, and is still going through. He wept for it all. He let his tears wash away seventeen years of pain and grief. Brian wept until he felt cleansed.

Andy held him until Brian emptied all the pain and guilt he’d been harboring for years. When Brian had no more tears left, no more pain and grief left inside, Andy released him.

Brian pulled back from his brother and gave him a crooked smile. “How was that for an encore?” Brian said and let out a small laugh.

“Perfect.” Andy hugged Brian to him tightly before letting him go again. “It’s time for me to go now.”

Brian sighed. It was ok, he was finally ready to let Andy go.

“I know.” He handed Andy his bike back.

Andy mounted his steel horse and popped a wheelie. Brian had to step back quickly so not to get clipped by the metal beast. He laughed.

“Tell Rena I love her and I approve.” Andy said as he let the front wheel fall to the ground again.

“She already knows, but I will.”

Andy nodded his head in acknowledgement and smiled.

“Oh, and tell Justin the answer is yes.” Brian looked at him, confused.

Andy laughed. “He’ll understand.”

“I’ll tell him.” Brian said, not sure what Andy was referring to, but making a mental note to ask his blond about it.

Andy put both feet up on the pedals and turned the front wheel towards the horizon. He looked back at Brian with love filled eyes.

“And remember, bro, I’m always with you… so do me proud!”

“I will, Andy, I promise.”

Andy turned the bike around and pedaled off; he took one last look back and waved at Brain. “Later,” he called out.

Brian waved back. “Later…”

 

***
 

“Later…”

“No, now, Brian! Come on!”

“Hmmm…” Brian moaned.

“Get up, Brian, you’ve been asleep for twelve hours! If you don’t get up, I’m calling a doctor!” Michael tugged on the blanket that covered Brian’s sleeping form. His voice was laced with sheer panic.

Brian heard that panic and pulled himself away from the dream. “What the fuck?” he said groggily and pushed Michael away.

Michael cursed. “Jesus, Brian, you scared the shit out of us!”

Brian squinted then opened his eyes . He was in his bed, and from the light coming through the door he estimated it to be around midday.

“What time is it?” he asked with a graveled voice. “Fuck, what day is it!” Memories of the “intervention” started filling his sleep-fogged brain.

“It’s Sunday you asshole! And you’ve been asleep ever since Justin left last night!” Michael said.

“Justin…” Brian sat up quickly. His head spun a bit. He knew he wasn’t hung over. He didn’t drink last night. But he felt like he’d been put through the wringer. His body felt almost foreign to him, as if it were “adjusting” to being back in his own skin. The dream resurfaced in his mind. It was a dream…wasn’t it?

“Where’s Justin?” Brian shook himself awake.

“Justin is at Rena’s. Emmett and I stayed here in case you needed us. You have been sleeping the whole time. Justin’s been calling every fifteen minutes waiting for you to get up. I keep telling him you’re fine; you were just exhausted from all the emotional shit last night. But I lied the last time he called because you were starting to scare the shit out of me! I told him you were in the shower. That was a half hour ago, so I’m sure he’ll be calling back soon. That’s why I nearly threw you out of bed just now trying to wake you! Fuck Brian I’ve NEVER seen you sleep this long! Are you alright?”

Michael was rambling. It was giving Brian a headache.

Brian leaned back on his elbows and gave Michael a patronizing look. “And you stayed here last night, why?”

Michael snorted. “I wasn’t going to leave you alone after all the shit that went down last night. Jesus, Bri, a gay uncle? That was intense. And then Rena ripping into you was, well… I just wanted to make sure you would be alright.” He couldn’t look Brian in the eye.

Brian sighed. He knew what Michael was doing. He was making sure Brian didn’t go off the deep end and try to kill himself again. God what had he done to his best friend? Mickey was always the one who had to suffer the Russian roulette life that was Brian Kinney. No one deserved that, especially not a best friend.

“Mikey, you don’t have to worry anymore. I’m not going to try to kill myself again. Ever.”

Michael’s eyes shot to him. “Who the fuck said anything about you trying to kill yourself! I just wanted to make sure you didn’t get too drunk and go out driving or something.”

Brian reached out and grabbed Michael’s arm pulling him in for a kiss. When he released him he looked into his eyes.

“Bullshit. You’re in as much denial as I am. Was, anyway. You’ve always been right there for me when I was at my lowest. You SAW me when I came back from New York. Hell, you followed me around for months; worried I was going to do something drastic. You were also the one who pulled me out of Goodbars the first time. You knew then that, that was an attempt to kill myself, so stop bullshitting yourself. I know, and what you NEED to know, is that I won’t do that again, ok?”

Michael looked away. Brian was right. It was why he couldn’t talk last night. If he said the words out loud, then they would become real. But he didn’t have to say them, Brian just did. And it was real. Brian had tried to kill himself before, more than once. How could he be sure Brian wouldn’t try it again?

Brian grabbed his arm tighter and pulled him around to face him.

“OK?” he said giving Michael his most intense, serious, ‘I’m not bullshitting’ look.

Michael smiled weakly. Tears started streaming down his face. “You promise?”

Brian smiled. “Yeah, I promise.”

Michael squealed and threw himself onto Brian causing them both to fall back onto the bed. Michael was on top.

“Well, sweetie, if I had known you were a switch, I might have given you a try myself. Though I’m not much of a top,” Emmett said from the doorway.

Brian groaned. “Would you please get the fuck off me before Rona Barrett of Liberty Avenue here has it all over town that Brian Kinney is a switch,” Brian said and playfully knocked Michael off his bed.

Michael pulled the blankets with him as he landed with a soft “thump” on to floor. He started giggling, which started Emmett giggling, which sent Brian into the bathroom shaking his head at the lunacy of his friends.

Emmett followed him into the bathroom. Brian gave him a ‘what the fuck’ look.

“You feeling better today, sweetie?” Emmett asked a little too gleefully.

“Shut the fuck up, Honeycutt. What are you doing here anyway? Holding little Mikey’s hand?”

Emmett made a face at Brian. “Honey, Michael don’t need anyone holding his hand when it comes to taking care of you. He’s been doing it most his life. No, I’m here for you and Justin. Whether you want to accept it or not, I AM your friend. So deal, baby. Oh, by the way, I made pancakes!”

Brian huffed. He took a look at what Emmett was wearing and sneered disdainfully. He was wearing very low riding gray sweats and a cut off white tee shirt. Cut off as in he literally took a pair of scissors and cut the shirt in two.

“Honeycutt, we ARE going shopping this week. And I’m not taking no for an answer. I swear to God I’m going to get you something I can stomach watching you wear. You’re killing me here. My sense of style can’t survive your dime store, Salvation Army wardrobe. Wal-Mart clothing is a step up for fuck sakes.”

Emmett made a small, satisfied sound in the back of his throat. “Uhh huh. Hey, Michael, you can stop worrying. He’s fine.” Emmett gave Brian a knowing smile before he walked out of the bathroom.

Brian shook his head and ran the cold water in the sink. He bent over and splashed some on his face. He heard the phone ring and a moment later Michael walked into the bathroom carrying the phone. “It’s Justin.”

Michael had no idea where the two stood after last night. He didn’t know if Brian could forgive Justin. Well, not right away at least. Michael had no doubt that sooner or later Brian would forgive Justin. They belonged together. He was concerned however, over how long Brian was going to make Justin suffer for what he did. The kid didn’t deserve it. Everything he did, he did out of love for Brian. It was a very brave thing for him to do. Much braver than anything Michael would have ever dared try. It was one of the reason’s he knew in his heart, that Justin was the right man for Brian; his true soul mate. Now if only Brian could accept it.

Brian took the phone from Michael. “Thanks.” he said and put the phone to his ear. A big smile spread across his face. “Hey, Sunshine. Where are you? I was just about to take a shower. Come home. I need you.”

Michael’s mouth dropped open. Brian looked over at him and winked. Michael laughed and shook his head. He turned and left Brian alone in the bathroom to talk to his lover.

Just when he thought he knew the Kinney manual inside and out, Brian went and changed the text. Michael went to join Emmett for pancakes.

“Hey, baby, where is he?” Emmett asked and placed a mountain of pancakes in front of Michael.

Michael sat down on the kitchen counter stool and picked up his fork. “In the bathroom talking to Justin. He just asked him to come home and take a shower with him.”

Emmett laughed. “Well, well… looks like our little intervention might have done some good.”



…Andy watched the men from above. Yeah, a little intervention never hurt. Especially when it came from above…


 

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