Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 45

“If the unexamined life is not worth living, then the unexamined past is not worth possessing; it bears fruit only by being held continuously up to the light, and is as changeable and as full of surprises, pleasant and unpleasant, as the future”

~ Brendan Gill


***

Rena sat in the car with James and looked up at the tall building that housed her brother’s loft. Her chest felt heavy. This was not going to be easy, but it was for the best she reminded herself. The alternative was unthinkable on so many levels.

Her mind drifted back to the day exactly one week ago when Justin stood in her living room, frightened, and desperate. The conversation played itself over and over again in her head as she steeled herself for the evening’s events…

 

***

Justin paced in front of the long white leather couch in Rena’s living room. “I fucking can’t believe it, Rena! Mr. Goodbars!”

“Justin, calm down. He’s home, he’s safe. Thank God James found him!” Rena said as she lounged on the couch.

“I just don’t understand. I know Brian likes to live on the edge, but bare-backing! Did you know that’s how he got into that place?” Justin asked, emotion heavy in his voice.

“It was a long time ago, Justin, and circumstances were very different. Brian would never put himself at risk like that now. I think you are over reacting.”

He knew Rena was trying to console him, but Justin huffed in disgust and stopped his pacing so that he was face to face with Rena. “He’s getting worse, Re, and I don’t know how to stop him.”

Justin’s frustration was tangible and Rena wished she knew what to say to him.

Justin continued his pacing; she could see his mind working furiously. He suddenly stopped, and turned to face her, his eyes were dark and intense. His face took on an eerie determination and his voice was dead calm.

“What if I went to Goodbars? Maybe THEN, he’d realize how serious a problem we have.”

 

***

And those words have stuck with Rena ever since. She knew Justin was angry and wouldn’t really go through with his threat, but it was there, and for a split second Rena saw the determination in Justin’s eyes to do whatever it took to show Brian what he was doing to himself. The boy was way too impulsive and acted on instincts, and his instincts were screaming to save Brian, even if that meant sacrificing himself.

That’s when Rena decided to suggest the intervention to Justin.

“Domina, it’s time. The others are arriving.” James said interrupting her thoughts.

Rena looked out the car window and saw Emmett pull up with Ted and Mikey. She took a deep breath. “Let’s go,” she said and exited the car.

Emmett was the first to spot them. “Yoo-hoo!” he yelled over to them waving his arm in the air to get their attention. They all met up at the front entrance of the building.

“Hello, baby,” Emmett greeted James and went to kiss his cheek. James tactfully put his hands on Emmett’s shoulder to prevent him from making the contact and smiled at his lover.

Emmett sighed his disappointment. “Well, you can’t blame a girl for trying,” he said and smiled.

“Mom’s already here,” Michael announced.

“What? That wasn’t the plan!” Rena said, annoyed at this unexpected turn of events. “If Brian suspects what we’re up to he won’t let us in.”

“Yeah, well I couldn’t stop her. She said she needed to talk to Brian alone. Vic went with her,” Michael said, clearly just as annoyed as Rena.

“Jesus Christ! As if this wasn’t going to be hard enough…”

The door to the building opened and Deb exited with a sleepy Gus. Vic was behind her. She was smiling.

“Deb, oh my God, how did it go?” Rena asked anxiously.

Gus stirred and buried his face deeper into Deb’s shoulder. “Shh…! He’s just drifting off. It went fine. I just said my piece, he doesn’t suspect a thing.”

Rena let out a relieved breath. “Thank God. How did you do it?”

“Honey, I’ve been talking to that boy since he was fourteen! He’s use to my meddling. This time though, he knew it was more than just motherly meddling. I told him the truth, something I should have done a long time ago.” She looked at her son.

Michael gave his mother a puzzled look. He wondered what truth she was talking about. Whatever it was, he had a feeling it involved him.

“I have to get Gus to bed.” She leaned over and kissed Michael. “Be strong baby.”

Michael made a face.

“Well, well, well. Would you look at that. Who invited her?” Ted said when he noticed a woman walking towards them.

All five heads turned to see who Ted was talking about.

“Fuck!” Michael cursed.

“Watch your mouth!” Deb said and motioned to Gus. “Justin invited her, so be nice.”

The woman got closer. Rena felt a familiar stirring within her. She knew this woman. The face was familiar…then recognition hit. “Joan Kinney.” The name came out of her mouth. “Now this is interesting.” Justin had to know that Brian was estranged from his mother, why would he invite her? This was not good. Brian was going to flip.

She turned to James. “James, she can’t be here, Brian won’t be able to deal with all of us, and her.”

James nodded. “I’ll send her away, don’t worry, Domina.”

“You will do no such thing!” Deb said. “It’s what Justin wanted, and we WILL respect his wishes!” she hissed, trying to keep her voice low so as to not wake Gus.

“Deb, you don’t understand, things happened back in New York, things that she allowed, that Brian still hasn’t dealt with. It will be too much for him.” Rena tried to explain.

“I know all about it, honey. Brian told us before he left to pick you up in New York. What you don’t understand is that Brian has been taking care of Joan since his father died. No one knows about it, Justin found out by accident. He went to talk to her and he feels she needs to come clean with him about her part in his ugly past. Our Sunshine knows what he’s doing. I think we should trust him.”

Rena groaned. She had no idea Brian still spoke to his mother. They hadn’t talked about her in years. He never wrote about her, and she never asked. She just assumed he had cut her out of his life. She wouldn’t have blamed him if he did.

Joan walked up to the group, carrying a box in her hands. She stopped in front of Ted. “Hello, Theodore. Nice to see you again.” Despite the words, the greeting was stiff and unemotional.

Ted smiled and nodded his acknowledgment. He had been dealing with Joan for the past year now. Since Brian’s father passed away, Brian had been taking care of Joan financially. Jack left her penniless. Occasionally she would visit Brian at his office, but that never ended well. As a result, Ted was the person Joan went to for help. Ted thought it odd when Brian came to him and put him in charge of Joan’s welfare. He gave him permission to set up an account for her and give her a monthly stipend. He didn’t want any part of it; he left it all to Ted. If Joan needed something, she contacted Ted. The only thing Brian had a hand in was the renovations to Joan’s house. Ted chalked that up to Brian not trusting Ted’s taste in home décor.

“Hello, Joan, I didn’t know you were coming.”

“Justin invited me; he didn’t tell me others would be here. I was hoping to speak to Brian alone.” Her eyes critically scanned the small group in front of her before they rested on Rena. “Do I know you?”

Rena forced a smile to her face. “Hello, Mrs. Kinney, it’s me, Rena Cardie, do you remember me?”

Joan’s brows went up. “Good God, you’re still alive?” she said abruptly.

“Brutal bluntness must run in the family,” Rena said sarcastically. “I’m sorry to disappoint you, but yes, I’m still alive.”

Joan had the good grace to look embarrassed. “No, no, you misunderstood me. We were all devastated to hear about your brother. When we moved we heard from neighbors that you disappeared, we feared the worse. We thought your father…” Joan let her words trail off.

When the Cardie boy died, rumors flew of the circumstances surrounding the boy’s death. No one knew exactly what happened, but Joan found out years later that the boy had died from AIDS. When the daughter went missing and the father disappeared shortly after, everyone assumed the worse.

“No, my father didn’t kill me. Though not from lack of trying. It was your son Brian who saved me. He took me away from that house and sent me to live with my Aunt Viv,” Rena told the woman who, for years, she detested.

“Brian? How could he, he was only fourteen?”

“He was always a very resourceful boy. Being abandoned at such a young age taught him many different survival skills.”

“I’m sure he picked up one or two at your house as well.”

Deb interrupted the exchange. She didn’t like where the conversation was going. “Hello, Joan, how are you?” There was obviously no love lost between these two. But this wasn’t about them; it was about Brian.

Joan smiled at Deb. She always liked the woman. They went to the same church and they shared the same affliction. Both of their son’s were gay, only difference was Deb accepted it, Joan couldn’t.

“Hello, Debra. Nice to see you again. Are you coming up?”

“No, I got to get your grandson here to bed.”

Joan’s face went white. “My what?”

“Fuck.” Deb cursed out loud, heedless of Gus who stirred again against her. She should have known that Brian never told his mother about his son; he barely talked to the woman. She only found out he was gay this past year. Oh well, shit happens. Sooner or later she would have found out. Deb shrugged it off.

“Joan, this is Brian’s son, Gus.” She made the introduction and moved so she was standing sideways, giving Joan a view of her grandson. “He’s two and a half.”

Joan looked with awe at the beautiful boy lying on Debra’s shoulder. Her face suddenly softened, a smile played on her lips.

“Such a beautiful boy,” she whispered. “He looks just like Brian did at that age.”

Deb smiled. “Brian must have been a beautiful baby. You must come by my house one day and show me some baby pictures.”

Joan smiled at her. “I’d like that.”

“It’s time we go up,” Rena said. It was past seven, Justin must be worried.

Deb turned to leave but looked back at Joan one more time. “Nice to see you again, Joan.” Joan nodded in agreement. “Good luck.” she said to the group. “Michael, call me tonight, I don’t care what time it is!”

Michael knew it was more than a request. “Alright! Don’t worry, Ma, it will be fine.”

Deb said her goodnights to the others and left.

“Cyn’s not here yet. I’ll wait here until she arrives,” Ted offered as he looked around to see if Cynthia was nearby. She was running late.

“Ok, when she arrives, buzz up. If we’re still alive, we’ll let you in,” Rena said half jokingly. Michael groaned.

Emmett went to push the buzzer.

“Don’t, I got a key,” Rena said and opened the lobby door.

Michael, Emmett, Rena, James and Joan entered the building…

 

***
 

Brian watched as Justin fluttered about the kitchen. He was carrying stacks of dishes to the dinning room table, along with plastic dinnerware, cups and napkins. The lasagna was sitting in the middle of the table. It was all very casual.

“What’s this? A picnic?” Brian asked. He wasn’t feeling right about the evening. Deb had unnerved him, and Justin’s little impromptu gathering was starting to concern him.

Justin looked up from the table. “Actually it’s more of an “outing.”

Brian arched a brow. “Um, in case you haven’t heard, Sunshine, I’ve been out for a while now,” he said tongue in cheek.

Justin laughed. “Who said it was YOUR outing?” He sighed dramatically and stood up to face Brian.

“I know this is going to come as a shock to you, Bri, but I feel it’s time you knew. I’m straight.” Justin could barely keep a “straight” face.

Brian laughed.

“No, no. It’s true,” he said dramatically.

“Ever since I saw Barbarella I’ve been wanting to fuck Jane Fonda,” he confessed, hand on his heart.

“Um, Sunshine, has anyone told you Jane Fonda is in her sixties now?”

“So? I’m use to fucking the elderly.”

“You little Brat!” Brian reached for him. Justin couldn’t move out of the way fast enough and found himself in Brian’s arms.

He moaned as Brian nipped and nibbled on his neck. “Bri, stop!” he gasped.

Brian stopped and held him tight. “What do you say we cancel this “outing” and have some “in” time;” Brian drawled seductively.

Justin stiffened in his embrace. “I can’t! They’ll be here any minute.”

Brian grew serious and hugged Justin tighter. “Cancel it.” He whispered in his ear.

Justin could hear the anxiety in Brian’s voice and his heart lurched. He knew Brian’s instincts were screaming at him that something was wrong.

The grating sound of the loft door sliding open alerted them to visitors. Brian looked up and saw Rena push open the loft door. He sighed and reluctantly released Justin.

Justin turned around to greet his guest. “Hey, Re!”

Rena smiled and waved at Justin then stepped aside to let the others in.

Emmett was the first to enter. He immediately walked over to Brian. “Brian!” He greeted exuberantly and gave him a big hug, effectively blocking his view from the door.

“Honeycutt, what the fuck are you doing?” Brian snapped and pushed him away.

“Why, congratulating you of course!”

Brian raised his brow. “I know being Brian Kinney is a fucking accomplishment in itself, but other than that, I haven’t done anything that warrants praise.”

“Well I can’t think of a better reason, so, congratulations on being fucking Brian Kinney!”

“What the fuck are you on?” Brian was definitely getting annoyed with Emmett’s antics.

Emmett smiled an indulgent smile at Brian. His goal was to delay Brian’s reaction to seeing his mother there. They could have bought some time if it were just the usual round of suspects, but having his mother here was going to set off all sorts of alarms. He knew a storm was about to burst upon them. Emmett suddenly realized that he was standing right in front of hurricane Kinney.

Justin walked past Rena and silently closed the door behind Joan who was the last to enter. “Thanks for coming,” he whispered to her. Joan just nodded her head and held the box in her hands tighter to her. Justin offered to take it from her but she adamantly shook her head in refusal.

Brian had yet to see who entered his loft; he was still dealing with Emmett.

“I’m not on anything!” Emmett huffed. “But if you got drugs, I could sure use some right about…” Emmett stepped away from Brian, giving him full view of who just entered his domain. “now.”

Brian looked over and saw his mother standing in his loft. His eyes immediately shot to Justin’s. Justin held his gaze, refusing to look away.

“Oh, this is fucking priceless.” Brian’s voice remained eerily calm, which belied the intensity of his stare.

He looked at the small group gathered and folded his arms across his chest. The realization of what was about the happen hit him.

“I may not have your SAT scores, Sunshine, but I can still add things up. Let me guess…my dear sister, the shrink, is here to facilitate the evenings events and for psychological support. Her bodyguard is here in case I decided to run from this farce. My best friend came to relive our past so that I can come to terms with my present sorry state.” His mocking tone was becoming more pronounced as he continued. “… My birth mother’s presence is to demonstrate that it’s not my fault, alcoholism runs in my family, and Emmett is here for comic relief, I assume. Only one missing is Ted, the poster child for recovering addicts.” Brian finished and put his tongue in his cheek as he surveyed his so-called friends and family in front of him.

“Honey, Ted is downstairs waiting for Cynthia.”

Brian shot him a deadly look. Emmett stepped back.

Justin looked directly at Brian. “Brian, I’ve invited our family and friends here because they have all been affected by our problem. You live as if what we do doesn’t affect those around us. Well it does, and they have a right to express their feelings. That is all they are here to do. Nothing else. This is really about them. You don’t have to talk, just listen to what they have to say. Of course I can’t force you to, but I’m asking you to just listen. That’s all. Then what ever you decide afterwards, I’ll respect.”

“Very thoughtful of you, Sunshine. Any other requests?” Brian’s tone was patronizing, and dangerous. Justin felt his heart hammer in his chest.

Joan walked forward. “I have no idea what is going on here. I only came here because I have something to give you, Brian. I am not part of any of this.”

Brian’s eyes turned to his mother. “Please, Mother,” Brian used the name as if it were vile, “spare me your bullshit. How much did Justin pay you to come here?”

Joan heard the accusation in his voice and sneered at her son. “Don’t waste your time insulting me. I don’t care. I’ve gotten numb to it over the years. I’m here to give you something. I don’t even know why I still have it, but well…” Joan paused and looked down at the box in her hands, a sad expression past over her face.

She took a deep breath and held the box out to Brian. “Do what you want with it.”

Brian looked at his mother skeptically, but took the box from her outstretched hands. “What’s this? Old photo’s of our happy little family?” Brian’s words dripped with sarcasm.

Joan stood silent, refusing to take the bait.

Brian let out an exasperated sigh and opened the box. He looked back up at his mother. Brian’s eyes reflected his confusion. Inside the box were old photos of a man he didn’t recognize, some letters and other small personal items.

“They belonged to your uncle. My brother.”

“I have an uncle?” Brian asked then laughed bitterly. “Why am I not surprised. Tell me, Joanie, what other secrets do you have? Might as well spill it now, after all tonight was set up for that, wasn’t it, Sunshine?” He shot Justin a cutting look. Justin stood his ground, but said nothing.

“I never told you about Aidan because I wasn’t allowed to talk about him. Your father wouldn’t allow it. He died at the age of twenty-one.” Joan’s eyes welled up.
 

Brian had never seen his mother cry before. In fact, he didn’t think a colder woman lived. But right now, Joan was on the verge of tears. “He was like you...”

There was a collective gasp in the loft. Brian stood looking at his mother, shocked, his eyes harsh. “How did he die?” he asked, dreading that he already knew the answer.

Joan steadied herself. “He was murdered because he consorted with other men.”

Brian could hear Justin’s gasp, but he refused to look at him. Memories of the bashing were too raw for the both of them. Joan’s recounting of her brother’s death brought forth the reality of how close Justin came to being…Brian couldn’t finish the thought.

“Back then those types of crimes were never really investigated. I don’t know the details. My family never talked about it. My parents refused to go to his funeral. They were too ashamed. But I went, against their wishes. I stood there with the priest at his grave. I thank God to this day that the priest was there to ask God to absolve him of his sins.” Joan’s confession left everyone speechless.

Brian stood glaring at his mother, his body tense.

“I was never ashamed of Aidan. I loved him. I knew about his sin, but that did not stop me from loving him, or praying for him. When I found out you were like him, it didn’t change my love for you, but it did rip my heart apart. You are sinning against God, and I couldn’t bear it if you were punished as Aidan was.”

Brian let out a long breath. They were never going to agree on this. The fact that his mother believed her brother got killed because God punished him for being gay made him both sad and sick to his stomach. It didn’t matter though. The problems with his mother started years ago when she basically gave him away. She only found out he was gay this past year. This little revelation about having a gay uncle changed nothing.

Brian looked down in the box. There was a picture of his mother, young and beautiful he noted. She looked happy. She was standing next to a tall handsome man with auburn hair.

He sighed deeply and placed the box on the table. “What do you want me to do with these? They belong to you.”

“When I die, and I’m sure that’s not too far off, I don’t want what’s left of Aidan destroyed. I want you to keep the box and when your time comes, pass it along to someone you feel would honor his memory as well. There is no one else in our family who would do that.”

Brian was floored by what his mother was asking of him, and why. Though she would never actually come out and say it, she was leaving her gay brother’s memory to her gay son’s keeping. The fact that she even acknowledged her gay brother after all this time was astonishing to him, knowing her strong beliefs about homosexuality. A small part of him hoped she would do the same for him, should his time come before hers.

“And that’s why you’re here? Justin had nothing to do with it?” Brian asked suspiciously.

Joan huffed. “That boy is brazen and rude!”

Brian had to smile at that. “You don’t know the half of it.”

“He barges into my house and starts insulting me! I can’t believe you’re still consorting with him!” She shot Justin a menacing look.

Brian looked over at Justin who was turning a bright shade of red. “I can’t believe it either.”

“He did however remind me that I am going to die soon, and that it would be a shame if I died without telling you that I loved you. So that is why I am here.”

Brian raised his brow. “That’s it?”

Joan bristled. She was not a demonstrative woman by nature. The fact that there were people witnessing her declaration of affection was making her squirm. “What else do you want? You’re my son, and I love you.”

Brian laughed. “Gee, MOM, thanks! That was heartfelt. I feel much better now!” He looked back over at Justin. Brian was on a roll. “Just one thing, “mom”, tell me, I’m curious, where was this “love” when you gave me to the Cardies?”

Joan pulled herself up. “How can you ask me that?” She said indignantly.

Brian gave her an incredulous look.

“Do you remember the first beating your father gave you?”

Brian’s face went blank. Justin recognized that look. He was putting his mask up. Joan hit a nerve.

You were three years old! You had just been potty trained and had an accident one night in your bed. Your father took his belt to you. You were three! He said I babied you, and if I couldn’t do my job right, then he would. I knew then that I had to get you away from him. Maria Cardie was a kind, loving woman. She took you in and I let her. I had no idea about the evil that went on in that house after she died, I only knew of the EVIL that existed in my own house!” Joan spat out at Brian.

Brian had a vague memory of that. He had long forgotten about it, until just now. He was speechless; still, he wasn’t about to forgive his mother so easily, but he did have a better understanding of why she did what she did.

“Maria Cardie was a good mother. You can take solace in that if you want,” Brian said in a low, tired voice.

Joan nodded her head. “Good. Will you keep the box?”

Brian looked down at the box on the table. In that small cardboard box laid the whole of a man’s life. How fucking depressing Brian thought. And Brian didn’t do depressing. “Whatever.” He already knew that if he didn’t keep the box, Justin would. He was sentimental like that.

“Thank you. Maybe someday you’ll pass it down to your son.”

Brian’s eyes shot up to her. “So you met Gus.”

Joan smiled. Her features softened. “Debra showed him to me downstairs. He looks just like you did when you were that age.”

Brian looked away. “Yeah, well, he is a looker.”

Joan straightened her shoulders. “Are you a good father?”

Brian laughed bitterly. “I’ve no idea how to be a good father.”

Joan huffed. “Of course you do. You have it in you. You care. There was no reason for you to take me on as your responsibility after your father died; I know I’ve not been a good mother, or any kind of mother. Still, you felt obligated, even though you didn’t love me. If you love your son even a little bit, you’ll be a great father,” Joan said with all seriousness.

Brian was literally speechless. He didn’t know how to respond. It was the first compliment he’s ever heard from his mother.

Joan took one last look at the box lying on the table, and then turned her attention back to her son. “And stop consorting with young boys or else you’re going to hell.” She just had to add. She couldn’t let the compliment stand-alone. “Especially THAT boy.” She turned and pointed at Justin.

Brian grunted. “Yeah, well right now I’m starting to see the merit in being straight.” He regretted saying that the moment he saw the hope in his mother’s eyes. “Forget it, Joan. I like fucking guys too much. Just not THAT particular guy at the moment.” Brian looked pointedly at Justin.

Justin physically cringed. So did Joan at Brian’s vulgarity.

“I’m leaving.”

“Ah, don’t leave now, Joanie. You don’t want to miss the rest of the night’s entertainment, do you? I’m sure Justin has a lot more planned.” He pulled out the chair to the dining room table and slumped down into it.

“So who’s next?” He leaned back with his hands clasped behind his head.

“Oh me, me!” Emmett said clapping his hands and jumping up and down.

Brian sighed. Leave it to Honeycutt to make a mockery out of a mockery.

Joan looked at Emmett with disgust. “No, thank you, I think I’ll leave.” She looked to Brian. “I’ll say an extra prayer for you tonight.” She headed for the door. She never even took her coat off during that whole exchange.

“You do that, Joanie. I’m gonna need it,” Brian said tongue in cheek and watched his mother walk out of the loft.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief. The mood in the room relaxed just a bit.

Emmett sat down at the table and faced Brian. “Ok, that was intense. Your mother scares the shit out of me.”

“Yeah, me too,” Brian said, his eyes still on the door.

Michael and Rena sat down at the table with them. James stood by the door. Justin went to stand next to him. He really didn’t want to be in close proximity to Brian at the moment.

“So tall, dark and gorgeous, did you know you were responsible for making my debut to the Pitts a fabulously fat fucking success?”

Brian raised an eyebrow. “Ok, I’ll play along, how was I responsible? Though this is the weirdest intervention I’ve ever been to. And my first too, did I mention that?”

“Honey, I don’t do interventions very well. You know that. Look at the mess I made with Ted. No, you were right, sweetie, you can’t stop someone who’s determined to bring themselves down. The only thing you can do is get out of their way before they drag you down with them. Your words, remember?” Emmett reminded Brian.

Brian didn’t like his own words thrown back in his face, especially in this situation, but he said nothing.

Emmett continued his story. “Justin just wanted us to come and tell you something that we’ve never told you before. I want to tell you about your part in my rise from country bumpkin, to Pittsburgh’s very own Queen Extraordinaire! “

Brian snorted. “Please don’t tell me I had a part in that tragedy!”

Emmett stuck his tongue out at him. “You really are a brat.”

Brian sneered back at him.

Emmett laughed. “Yes, you were a major part of my transformation! You know I’m a small town country boy at heart. Coming to live in the big city scared the bejesus out of me! I was hitting the bars for a couple of weeks with no luck, being too shy and all.”

Everyone at the table laughed at that.

Emmett gave them a haughty look. “Well I was just a shy country bumpkin! But that was before Brian picked me up. He was my first trick here.” Emmett smiled brightly.

Brian groaned. Fucking Honeycutt had to bring that up.

James looked over sharply at Brian. Brian shrugged.

“Do you remember, Bri?”

“Barely.”

“Anyway, I was so excited! And honored! I had heard all about the stud of Liberty Avenue. The word was you didn’t do pity fucks, so I felt special. Of course that was until you kicked me out the next morning without even so much as a thank you.”

“You should have thanked me,” Brian said.

“I did!” Emmett pouted. “You really were mean, Bri. If I recall correctly you said, ‘out trick, now’.” Emmett emulated Brian’s voice.

Michael and Rena laughed.

“And this helped you to your stardom how?” Brian asked.

“I’m getting to it! Now where was I?” Emmett mused out loud.

“You were getting kicked out of Brian’s loft,” Rena said, amused by this story.

“Yes, anyway, the next night I saw you standing at the bar with Michael. I came over to say hello. You acted like you didn’t even know who I was. I felt crushed, so I turned to leave, and that’s when it happened.”

“What?” Rena asked.

Brian shot her a look. He did not see the purpose of this story.

“That’s when Brian stopped me and introduced me to Michael.” Emmett turned to Rena and continued his story. “I didn’t know it then, but Brian never introduced any of his tricks to Michael. You had to be pretty special to get an introduction. Word spread quickly that the great Brian Kinney found me acceptable. I soon became Mr. Popularity!” Emmett beamed.

“I don’t get it. What did your friendship with Mikey have to do with your sudden popularity if it was Brian who was the stud of Liberty Avenue?” Rena asked.

“What do you mean was?” Brian asked, insulted.

Rena made a face. Emmett and Michael laughed.

“Because Brian protected Michael. He never let anyone get near him. Michael didn’t get laid half the time because the guys were afraid of pissing Brian off.”

“Hey! Is that true?” Michael asked Brian.

“How the fuck would I know! I’m not part of the gay grapevine! Fucking ex tricks are always making up shit about me,” Brian complained.

Michael pouted and folded his arms across his chest.

Emmett turned his attention back to Brian. “I never thanked you for that introduction. Michael’s friendship means everything to me.” He smiled over at Michael. Michael blushed and smiled back.

Brian snorted. “I only introduced you to Mikey to get you off my back. You looked like a potential stalker.”

Emmett laughed. “Yeah, right. Let me tell you something Mr. Brian fucking Kinney, you are one hard son of a bitch. I can’t remember a time since, when you haven’t insulted me at least once a day! You take great pleasure in ridiculing my taste in men, my career choices, my obsession with Diva’s and my wardrobe.”

Brian smirked. “Have you looked in a mirror today?”

Emmett ignored the veiled insult and continued. “You also always challenge me as a man, and as a gay man. You never let me settle for less then excellence. You constantly tell me that I’m a dickless fag if I let others decide who I am. It’s because of YOU, that I have the courage to let my flame burn bright. And honey, we all know my flame is the brightest in Pittsburgh,” Emmett said proudly.

Emmett let that sink in before he continued. His tone turned serious. Brian recognized it. It was the one he used when he wanted Brian to “really” hear him, to take him seriously.

“Brian, where I came from, being gay was a curse. I always felt I had to hide it. You changed that. You made me…, no, you forced me, to be who I am, and to tell the world to go fuck themselves if they didn’t like it. I remember thinking, ‘how the fuck does he get away with it?’ In or out of Liberty Avenue, you remain true to who you are. Even if that’s some fucked up, stoned out gay asshole, you still tell the world, fuck you. I am who I am. Deal. And I respect that. Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I hear you saying. ‘I don’t do pity, it makes my dick soft’. Emmett imitated Brian’s voice again. He did it pretty well actually.

Brian let out a small laugh.

“On top of that, you’ve been a good friend and confidant. I never would have gotten through Ted’s ordeal without you. You not only helped me, you helped Ted. Don’t get me wrong, you NEVER make things easy, but that’s your way of letting us know that life isn’t easy. When you’re being a real ass to me, I ask myself, why do I put up with his bullshit, and do you know what my answer is? Because he cares.”

Brian made a face. “You’re fucking delusional, Honeycutt, if you think I care. If I have helped you in the past, be damned sure I did it to serve some personal agenda of mine. Truth is, I really don’t give a shit about anyone’s interests, but my own.” Brian said matter-of-factly. In fact, he had the appearance of a man truly bored, when in truth, Emmett’s confession made him very uncomfortable. He didn’t like anyone thinking he actually cared. He didn’t even admit it to himself. If that were true then that would mean he was vulnerable. Brian Kinney did not do vulnerable.

Emmett huffed. “You’re so full of shit, and everyone knows it. You’ve got more compassion and love for your family and friends than anyone I know. But for some reason you’re deathly afraid of your own feelings. And do you know how I know? Because you’re using way too much booze, sex and drugs to try to kill those feelings, before you believe they’ll kill you.”

Brian’s eyes grew dark. Though he kept his expression cool, he was burning inside with anger and resentment. Emmett hit a nerve. Fucking Justin! Whatever problems he had, were his problems. Justin had no right bringing his friends and family into their personal life. The fact that Emmett read him so well infuriated him. Was he that transparent?

“Are you done, because it’s getting late and I’d like to hit Babylon sometime tonight.” Brian looked at his watch; he had to get out of here.

Emmett sighed. “Yeah, I’m done. Are you?”

Brian made a bored face and turned to Michael. “Well, Mikey, I guess it’s your turn.”

Michael started to cry. “I can’t.” He looked back at Justin. “I’m sorry Justin, I just can’t. I won’t risk it.”

“It’s ok, Mikey, I understand.” Justin smiled at him sadly. He knew Mikey loved Brian too much to risk having him hate him, or worse, having anything he might say send Brian over the edge. Mikey knew first hand what Brian was capable of.

The buzzer sounded from the lobby.

“Ah yes, that must be Ted and Cynthia. My loyal employee’s. Just in time, too, the party is just beginning.”

Justin wanted to cry. He should have expected as much, he knew what to expect, but the reality of it was overwhelming. He went over to the wall and buzzed Ted and Cynthia up.

“Are we having fun yet, Bean?” Rena asked, an impish smile playing on her face.

She knew Brian was reeling from Emmett’s words. She was surprised Emmett was so intuitive. He pegged Brian beautifully. She knew her brother was not taking this well. She had to diffuse his anger. In the scheme of things, this was not the end of the world. He had a problem, and his friends were concerned.

It was situations like this however, that Brian could never handle. It was the main reason she never told him about her father raping her. Brian perfected hiding his emotions. It was a skill he had to learn to survive during his youth. A habit he took with him into adulthood. Brian could handle bits and pieces of emotional situations, but when faced with real tragedy, or true love, Brian’s walls automatically went up. The booze, sex and drugs were mortar to that brick wall.

Right now his emotions were too close to the surface. If she didn’t do something to distract him, he was going to storm out, with or without James guarding the door. She couldn’t risk that confrontation.

Brian shot her a look. “You think this is funny?”

“Yes, actually I do. I think your reaction to this sit down is way over the top. You put Emmett to shame in the drama queen department. Just fucking suck it up and listen to what your friends have to say. If you really don’t give a shit, like you claim, why are you so upset?”

Brian narrowed his eyes at her. He knew her game, the bitch just put him in a position where he had to just sit and listen, or admit that this whole situation was getting to him, and that was NOT an option. Brian Kinney would NOT let anyone see his pain.

He smiled at her evilly, telling her he knew her ploy, and she was going to pay for it. Rena cringed a bit inside. They practically grew up together from the crib and in all that time, they never had a serious fight. She had a feeling that was about to change.

Ted and Cynthia entered the loft.

“Better put your seat belt on, babies, looks like it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” Emmett said in his best Bette Davis impersonation and got up to get a soda.

“Well, if it isn’t my first and second in command at Kinnetiks. I’m touched. I wonder though, are you here because you’re concerned about me, or your paychecks?” Brian said to the newest arrivals, contempt heavy in his words.

Ted shifted from one foot to the other. “Um, listen, Brian, I’m only here because Justin asked me. You know I’m not one of these reformed addicts who goes around telling everyone of the evils of their ways. I agreed to come just to tell you thank you for trusting me, and giving me a second chance.” Ted looked down at the floor. “And to tell you that I hope to one day I can return the favor in some small way.” His meaning not lost on Brian.

“Just fucking do your job, Theodore, and stay the fuck out of my personal life. That works for me, how about you?”

Ted jumped a bit nervously. “Anything you say, Boss.”

Brian turned his attention to Cynthia. He gave her a pointed look. “Yes?”

Cynthia didn’t miss the sarcasm in his voice; she just put her hands on her hips and glared at him. “I’m not buying your fucking booze for you anymore! I’m fucking Vice President of Kinnetiks! Get someone else to do it!” Once she had said her piece to her boss she turned to Ted. “I’m ready to go, my cab left. Can you take me home?”

Ted nodded eagerly. He turned to Justin. “Sorry, Justin, it’s the best I can do.” He said then turned to leave with Cynthia.

There was an eerie silence in the room as the loft door shut behind them.

“That was quick and pointless.” Brian smiled to the small group in front of him. “All in all, I’d say this intervention of yours, Sunshine, is a huge fucking success. I know I feel better, how about you?”

Justin’s heart sank. This was not going as he imagined. Other than Joan and Emmett, everyone else was too intimidated to speak freely. He couldn’t blame them; Brian’s rage was formidable. He looked to Rena for help.

Rena’s heart went out to him. She took a deep breath. She wasn’t going to let the boy go down alone.

Brian followed Justin’s eyes as they sought out Rena.

“Oh yes, we’re not done yet are we? Rena hasn’t spoken. We’ll I’m listening, might as well get this farce over with. What do you have to say, sis?” he asked with narrowed eyes.

“Me? Nothing you don’t already know. You drink too much, you abuse too many drugs, you fuck recklessly, you smoke too much you work too hard, and none of that matters because you are happy with the status quo. If you don’t stop you are going to lose Justin and Gus, but you already know that. However I’ll still be here, I’ve watched one brother die, why not another? But hey, it’s not about me, it’s your life, do what you want. No one has ever been able to tell you how to live your life. I have only one question for you; do you think Andy would be proud?”

That got a reaction out of Brian. He stood up abruptly from the table and pushed it from him, causing Michael and Rena to jump up and of the way. He shook with his rage.

Rena had a way of cutting through the bullshit to get right to the heart of the matter. He knew she was right, he wasn’t stupid. He also knew his limits, and he knew he pushed a bit past them last week. But he had no intention of letting his addictions get the best of him. He just needed to deal with things in his own way, in his own time. Fuck! Why couldn’t Justin just trust him?

He cursed and kicked over his chair. The sense of betrayal knifed through him. His “loving” family had no faith in him. Justin had no faith in him. That cut the deepest. He looked over at Justin, fury burned hot in his glare.

“Out,” he said through clenched teeth. He couldn’t bear the sight of him right now.

Rena stepped around the table and moved towards him. “This wasn’t his idea, Bean, it was mine.”

Brian narrowed his eyes at her. “And you can follow him,” he growled. He couldn’t bear the sight of her either at the moment.

Justin swallowed his fear and moved forward. “I’m not leaving.”

“Then I will,” Brian said and brushed past Justin and headed for the door.

Rena reached out and grabbed his arm. He stopped and looked down at her hand.

“Bean, I had no choice but to talk him into this. He was thinking about going to Goodbar’s. I had to stop him,” she whispered, for his ears only.

Brian’s eyes shot up to hers. He saw the truth of her words in them. His blood ran cold.
He turned around to see Justin starting at him, fear in his eyes.

“Mother fucker!” He barked so loud everyone in the room jumped. Even James flinched, he moved protectively towards Rena.

Brian whirled around and marched over to Justin. He grabbed his wrist and pulled him towards their bedroom. Justin stumbled as Brian practically dragged him into their bedroom. Everything happened so fast he didn’t have time to think about the consequences.

Once inside Brian slammed the door shut and whipped his blond around to face him.

“I should fucking strangle you right now! What the fuck were you thinking?” Brian’s heart was racing, fear and rage ripped through him. The thought of Justin in that place was too much to bear.

“Then go ahead and be done with it!” Justin screamed at him. “Jesus, Brian, you backed me into a corner, what choice did I have? No matter what I tried, talking, begging, fucking, nothing stops you from destroying us! You are hurting everyone out there with your drinking and drug abuse! Forget the tricking, that’s my problem, and I can deal with it, but the drugs and alcohol are destroying you and your family! For God sakes, think of Gus!” Justin was on the verge of hysterics.

Brian’s eyes narrowed. “I’m not talking about this little farce you planned for tonight. I’m talking about you wanting to go to Mr. Goodbars.”

Justin stood back. He could feel Brian’s eyes burning into him. Fucking Rena! He should have known she would tell Brian. Oh well, it was the truth. He had thought about it seriously, but decided it would only destroy them further.

“Oh that. And you care why?”

Brian truly wanted to strangle the boy. He ran his hand through his hair in frustration and turned away from Justin to calm himself.

A few minutes of awkward silence passed before Brian spoke again. “You are NEVER to even think about going to that place, or any place like that, ever. Do you understand me?” His back was still to Justin.

Justin let out a strangled sound and threw his arms up in the air. “NO, I DON’T UNDERSTAND!”

Brian turned around to face Justin. He saw the anguish in Justin’s eyes and his heart ached.

“I don’t understand why you went there! My God, Brian! When you came home that night, I thought you were going to die! You were battered and bruised and you threw up all night! God only knows what you took! Thank God Rena helped me through that awful night! I never felt so afraid in my life. Tell me WHY!” Tears of anger and pain ran down Justin’s face. He folded his arms across his chest and stared at Brian. “I want the truth, damn it! I deserve it. What drove you there?”

Brian sighed and lowered his head. He pinched the bridge of his nose to ward off his headache.

“I told you, I just needed to blow off some steam. I am under a lot of fucking pressure here; I would THINK you could understand!”

“That is such a fucking pathetic excuse! I can’t believe you think I would buy it. Try again.”

Brian’s head whipped up, shock evident in his face. “It IS the truth!”

Justin hit a brick wall. He felt it with every nerve in his body. He wasn’t getting through to Brian. His impulsive nature took hold of him; he made a decision.

“Unless you’re willing to tell me the truth, I’m not making you any promises. I told you once before Brian, where you go, I follow. Even if it means I need to get initiated.” Justin knew that would get a response from Brian. He knew his partner too well. When truly angered, Brian let his true feelings out.

Brian’s mouth dropped open at Justin’s words. He leaned forward and screamed into Justin’s face, heedless of who might hear him in the other room.

“YOU WILL NOT GO THERE!”

“THEN TELL ME THE TRUTH!”

“You DON’T want to know the truth!”

Justin looked boldly into Brian’s eyes. “It’s now or never, Bri. Decide.”

Brian snarled. His anger clouded his thinking; he gripped Justin’s arms firmly and pulled him to him. His words came out candid and raw.

“The TRUTH is, sometimes life grabs you by the balls so hard the pain owns you and not the booze, drugs or sex can numb it and that’s when you realize you’d do anything, I mean ANYTHING, to stop it.” Brian’s words gushed out of him, his emotions spilled forth as he raged.

“You want to go to Mr. Goodbars? Do you know what they would do to a pretty little boy like you? How do you think I got those bruises? Mr. Goodbar’s puts a whole new meaning to the term rough sex.” He shook Justin for measure. He desperately needed to make Justin see how dangerous a game he was playing.

Justin set his jaw determinedly. “Then why go there? Tell me.”

Brian’s eyes blazed. Justin wasn’t relenting. He knew when Justin was this way there was no stopping him till he got what he wanted. His body shook. He wanted the truth? Fine. Fuck it.

“How about this for truth,” Brian hissed. “Because sometimes I need it.”

Justin didn’t move a muscle, afraid his feelings would show and stop Brian from continuing, but his insides clenched hearing Brian confess to “needing” that kind of place. His mind flashed back to the day they had the discussion about what they each needed, and wanted. His heart sank. Brian needed it…

“When Andy was dying the only time I didn’t feel sick with fear was when I was out tricking, stoned out of my fucking mind to get him drugs. I couldn’t bear to be at the house day in and day out watching him die a slow painful death.” The dam was broken. He couldn’t stop the words from flowing out of him, along with the painful memories.

“Tricking and drugs became my escape. You want to hear more ugly truth? It was best when I was getting the shit beat out of me or raped by some fucking John. During those few moments of abuse, I forgot about Andy’s suffering, I forgot about everything except the physical pain I was feeling. That I could deal with. I welcomed it. It was a relief. After Andy died and Rena left, I went back to New York and drank, tricked and got stoned on everything and anything harder and more recklessly then I ever did before. And it stopped the pain inside. When you can understand that, then maybe you’ll understand why I went to Goodbar’s!” Brian’s eyes welled up. His body went slack.

Justin caught him and led him to their bed. Brian sat on the edge of the bed and turned away from Justin, suddenly aware of how much he had revealed.

Justin struggled to remain calm. His heart ached, he wanted to scream, cry and curse at the horror of what Brian went through, and was still going through, but his mind screamed to be strong. He didn’t know how to help Brian, but he knew he had to find a way.

“I understand,” Justin said quietly. “That was a very traumatic time in your life, and you did what you had to do to survive it. I can even understand why you first went to Goodbar’s when you thought you lost Rena. You were once again traumatized, and you couldn’t deal with it. Thank God Mikey was around back then. But what I don’t understand is why, after all this time, you still have this “need”. You weren’t like this when we first met. That need wasn’t there. You had your “pain management” under control, it never got this bad. It’s only been in the last year…” Justin let his words drift off.

Brian had gotten worse in the last year. Last year Justin was attacked.

Since the bashing, things slowly got worse. For the first few months after the bashing Brian was too busy helping Justin heal. Then, afterwards, they never talked about it. They made up those stupid rules and then they drifted apart. Brian never dealt with his feelings about almost losing Justin. Justin didn’t know about Andy at the time, but it all made sense now. Brian came too close to losing him, and he couldn’t deal with losing someone he loved, once again. That’s when he pushed him away and into Ethan’s arms. Now, that they were back together, that fear had returned, big time.

Brian was stuck in a place where he felt he was damned either way. He couldn’t live without Justin and he couldn’t live with his fear of losing him again. That’s why he was getting worse, trying to drown out his fear with his other distractions. Distractions that were dangerously close to killing him. Until they dealt with what happened, together, Brian was not going to be able to move forward.

Justin had never dealt with the bashing either but he had one advantage over Brian. He didn’t remember that night. He really had nothing to deal with other then the physical ramifications of the attack. Brian was dealing with something far worse, the emotional ramifications. Justin only had a few vague memories of being in the garage and Brian yelling his name before the bat hit his head. But Brian remembered the whole evening. Before, during, and after. Until Justin could share that with him, Brian was in this alone.

He knew what he had to do. “Ok, enough.”

Brian turned back to face him.

“I’m sorry about tonight. It was a big mistake.”

Brian curled his lip sardonically. “Ya think?”

Justin sighed. He got up and started packing an overnight bag. Brian looked at him confused; fear gripped his insides. “What are you doing?”

“I’m going to spend the night at Rena’s. We need some time apart, and there’s something I need to do.” Justin finished throwing a few of his belongings into duffle bag. He turned to face Brian. “I know you probably hate me right now, but that will pass. I love you, and you love me. I’ll call you tomorrow.” Justin bent down and gave Brian a quick kiss before he could protest. He stood and left Brian sitting on the bed in their bedroom.

Brian looked at the bedroom door close behind Justin. He shook his head, not sure of what just happened.

He suddenly felt exhausted. He lay back on the bed and closed his eyes. The events of the day played over in his head.

The park, Gus, Deb, his mother, and his gay uncle! His mind drifted for a moment to the box that still sat on the dining room table. He wondered what secrets it held.

Emmett and Rena… How the fuck was he going to deal with them in the morning? And poor Mikey, looking scared shitless. They could have at least spared him. Mikey had suffered enough through the years being Brian’s best friend. Did they have to drag him into this mess?

Ending with Justin walking out on him; Brian threw his arm over his forehead. And they wondered why he fucking drank so much.


 

Return to Before There Was You, There Was You