Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 44

“It is the confession, not the priest, that gives us absolution” ~ Oscar Wilde

 

***

“Sponge Bob, Sponge Bob!” Gus voiced his request loudly as he jumped up and down in front of the 54” LCD TV screen.

“I don’t want my son watching Sponge Bob. It might turn him gay,” Brian commented as Justin went to put in the DVD.

Justin looked over at Brian. He was sitting on the floor with his son. “One can only hope.” Brian laughed and tackled Gus, tickling him.

Gus screeched and giggled uncontrollably. They spent the entire day in pretty much the same manner, carefree and silly.

After Brian dazzled them with his bike performance they hung out in the park for a while. Gus wanted to do the “Bozen Beelie”, as he called it. Brian granted his wish. He sat him on his lap on the bike seat and popped a wheelie. Gus squealed in delight and made Brian do it over and over again. He must have popped at least twenty wheelies.

Things just got better from there. Brian took Rena, Justin and Gus to McDonalds for lunch. Gus’s choice of course. Justin laughed at Brian’s expression when he saw the menu. He wouldn’t touch the food and complained that the place was filled with germs. Gus, however, loved the indoor gym and Brian loved watching Gus play. His son’s joy mirrored in his eyes and the beauty of it took Justin’s breath away.

After that, they hit the zoo. Rena didn’t join them; she had to get home to get ready. She told Brian, however, that she was meeting John.

The zoo was an adventure. Especially the petting area where Gus got to feed the baby goats. ALL the baby goats. There were so many of them and they descended on Gus in droves looking for the treats Gus held in his little hands. Brian and Justin had to hold them at bay, letting only one or two at a time near Gus so he could feed them without getting trampled. Gus wouldn’t leave until he fed each and everyone of the goats. Brian and Justin had to maneuver the goats in and out of Gus’s vicinity so that each got fed. The whole scene was pretty comical. More than one goat drooled on them which elicited a few groans and curses from Brian. But with each groan, or curse, there was also a laugh and a smile. Justin couldn’t remember a time when he saw Brian so happy.

After the zoo they hit the video store where Gus got to choose. Apparently Gus was a major Sponge Bob fan. Brian reluctantly bought him a Sponge Bob T-Shirt that Gus spotted in the video store.. Justin tried to get Brian to buy a matching one for himself, unsuccessfully. Justin smiled at the memory of Brian’s reaction to that suggestion. He made a mental note to buy one for Brian for Christmas. That was assuming they were still together come Christmas, Justin thought bleakly.

They got back to the loft about an hour ago, washed up and were settled down to watch the movie. Justin could tell Gus was wiped out from all the day’s activities.

“What do you say we order pizza for dinner?” Brian said talking to Gus.

Justin stood up and pressed the play button. “Actually, Deb’s coming over with lasagna.”

And now it begins.

Brian raised a brow at him. “Really? Is she taking Gus back with her tonight?” he asked, his mood suddenly changing.

“That’s the plan,” Justin answered then went to sit on the floor by them. Gus’s attention was riveted on the screen where images of Sponge Bob now played. “I invited some people over.”

“Why the fuck did you do that!” Brian snapped.

“I thought it would be nice,” Justin announced. “And watch your language.”

Brian made an annoying sound. “He can’t pronounce “F’s” yet. So I think I’m safe for the time being.”

Justin laughed.

“Who’s coming over?”

“Mostly just the usual gang.”

Brian frowned. Justin was being very vague. He didn’t like it.

“Just what exactly are you up to?” he asked in a dangerously calm voice.

“Why do I have to be up to something? I just invited some family and friends over. We’ll talk, and have some lasagna. What’s the problem?” Justin said innocently.

The lobby buzzer rang. Thank God, Justin thought. Saved by the bell.

“I’ll get it!” he said jumping up a tad too eagerly.

It was Deb. God Bless her soul. He buzzed her up. She was early, and Justin couldn’t be happier to see her.

“Hey, Sunshine!” She greeted him at the door. Vic was standing behind her carrying a big pan.

Vic nodded at Justin and lifted the pan for him to see. “I need to get this into the oven.”

Justin let them in. He held Deb back while Vic carried the pan of lasagna into the kitchen.

“Perfect timing, though you’re early. It’s only six,” he whispered to Deb.

“I know, I wanted to talk to Brian alone, first. I know it’s not what you planned, but I need to do this, Sunshine. There are things I want to say to him that I rather not have anyone else hear. It’s personal.”

Justin saw the determination in her face and sighed. “Ok, but, Deb, don’t let on about the others.”

Deb laughed. “If Gus wasn’t here, we’d break out a joint, then he wouldn’t suspect a thing!”

Justin looked at her confused. “You smoked pot with Brian?” he asked, incredulously.

Deb patted his cheek. “Just when you think you know me, huh, Sunshine?” She winked at him.

Justin laughed.

“Hey, we’re trying to watch a movie here!” Brian said, looking back at Justin and Deb who were still standing at the door. He waved to Vic who was in the kitchen warming the lasagna up. Vic smiled and waved back.

Deb walked into living room where Gus and Brian were sitting on the floor. Gus was sitting between his father’s legs. She lowered herself down to sit besides them. Brian raised an eyebrow at her.

“Hey, Gus, did you have a good time with Daddy today?” Deb leaned over and kissed the boy.

Gus’s attention never left the screen, but he nodded his head a few times and wiped his cheek. Deb laughed.

Brian rubbed the red lipstick left from Deb’s kiss off of Gus’s face with his sleeve. Great, another shirt ruined.

“No P-O-T tonight, Deb.” Brian spelled out the word pot. “I’m a bad enough influence on Gus.”

Deb elbowed him lightly. “What makes you think I want “that” anyway?”

“Because you’re here with food and you’re sitting next to me with that expression on your face.”

“What expression!” Deb asked indignantly.

“The one that tells me you want to share some serious philosophical shit with me.” Brian leaned over and kissed the top of Gus’s head.

“I only get philosophical when I’m high.”

“That’s why I hid my stash.”

“Don’t think I can’t find it. When you were living with us, I always found your stash.”

Brian looked over at her. “Really? Then why didn’t you take it away?”

Deb sighed. “Cause I thought you needed it.”

Brian looked at her puzzled, but said nothing.

“I was wrong.”

Brian held her gaze, trying to gauge what she was saying. He spoke quietly, as not to upset Gus who was very engrossed in the movie. “Wrong about what?” he asked cautiously.

Deb let out a bitter laugh. “About a lot of things, kiddo. But most of all, about you.” She dropped that one on him unexpectedly.

Brian geared himself for the lecture he was sure to come. Obviously he must have done something to piss Deb off. Again. He was not however, going to have her berate him in front of his son. “Not now, Deb, not with Gus here. You can ream me out another time,” Brian stated firmly.

Deb shook her head. “Jesus, Brian, is that all you’ve come to expect from me?” she asked, already knowing the answer.

Brian gave her a spry look. “Not all, you also make one hell of a lasagna.”

“Speaking of lasagna,” Justin walked into the living room and reached down to pick up Gus.

“Let's go Gus. It’s time to eat your dinner” he said cheerfully.

“No eat! Sponge Bob!” Gus pulled away from Justin and folded his arms across his chest.

Justin stood up and sighed. The boy was definitely Brian’s son. That “no” was all Brian. Justin heard it enough to recognize it. Stubborn mules, the both of them. He looked to Brian for support.

“Come on, Sonny boy, do as Justin says.” Brian said to his son. Gus shook his head no vehemently; a scowl fixed on his little face. Deb laughed at the scene. Brian shot her a look.

“We could use a little help here ‘MOM’.”

“Hey, Dad, you need to learn like the rest of us did, the hard way.”

“Gus, you can finish watching the movie after you eat. And if you eat all your dinner, you can have ice cream. Would you like that?” Justin tried again.

“NO, NO, NO!” Gus yelled and pouted angrily. Justin frowned. Brian smiled.

“He has to eat, Bri, he’s overly tired now, and he can’t go to bed without dinner,” Justin reasoned.

Brian rolled his eyes. “Fine.”

Brian got up and shut the TV off. Gus wailed his disappointment.

“Well that was brilliant.” Justin said sarcastically. He went to pick up Gus.

“Leave him be.” Brian folded his arms and stood staring at his son sternly. Gus threw himself to the floor and kicked and screamed.

“Gotta love a good tantrum. Fortunately dealing with your tantrums, Sunshine, has given me some experience in this.” Brian smiled at Justin.

Justin made a face at Brian.

Deb tactfully stayed out of it.

After a few minutes of uninterrupted screaming and kicking, Gus started to quiet down. When Brian determined Gus was calm enough, he spoke to him.

“Gus, go eat your dinner. If you don’t eat your dinner there’ll be no more Sponge Bob and you won’t get any ice cream.”

Gus sniffed away the last of his tears. “Ice cream?” he asked, deciding he was going to get something out of this. Gus, like his father, did not like to lose.

Brian smiled at his son’s ploy. “Yes. After you eat.”

Gus got up and went to Justin. Justin picked him up. Brian leaned over and kissed his son.

“Good boy,” he said. Gus beamed. Then Brian kissed Justin. “You, too,” he added, a wicked smile spread across his handsome features.

Justin gave him one of his 1000-watt smiles, which always took Brian’s breath away, then carried Gus over to the kitchen leaving Deb and Brian alone in the living room.

“Very good, Brian. Though I’m not surprised. You’re a natural at being a father,” Deb said.

Brian sat back down on the floor next to her and snorted. “I have no fucking clue how to be a father, Deb. I think you know that.”

“What I know is that being a good father isn’t something you can learn. It comes from inside. Yes, there are fathers you can model after, but “real” parenting comes from trusting your instincts. I’ve never seen anyone with better instincts than you Brian. You always know what someone needs, sometimes before they do. Like with Michael.”

Brian gave her a dubious look. “What are you talking about?”

“You’ve always known what Michael needed,” Deb said. She shook her head sadly; her eyes were suspiciously glassy. Brian furrowed his brow. Something was up with Deb.

When she spoke again her voice was low, and strained. “You know, kiddo, the first time I saw you I knew you were trouble.”

Brian let out a small, bitter laugh. “I know.”

“No, you don’t,” she said giving him a direct look. Brian returned it silently. “You see, I saw you and knew “I” was in trouble, not Michael. You were just what Michael needed. The day Michael met you I lost a big part of him.”

“Deb, what the fuck are you talking about? I’ve never seen a son more devoted! Mikey fucking worships you, and you know it,” Brian said annoyed.

“Yes, he loves me, I’ve never doubted that, but he stopped needing me when you came into his life, and I resented that. God forgive me, but I did. I was always everything to Michael. His mother, his friend and his confidant. I was the one he came to when the other kids would pick on him, and they did, often. He had no friends, I was his friend, and I was fucking selfish enough to be content to have it that way for as long as Mikey needed me to be.”

Brian didn’t know what to say. Deb was in a mood, and he didn’t know how to deal with it, so he just looked away.

“Before you, he hated being gay, did you know that?” she asked.

Brian looked over at her. “He didn’t hate being gay, Deb, he just didn’t know how to deal in a society where being gay isn’t acceptable.”

“No, Brian, you are wrong. I know my son. He hated himself. He wished he wasn’t gay. He thought God had punished him. I used to hear him at night, crying. Even though he knew his uncle was gay, it was different for him. He wasn’t Vic. Vic was sophisticated, well traveled, and successful. He wasn’t around much when Michael was growing up. He was jet setting with Armand.” Deb spat out his name.

“Then when Vic came back, positive, Michael was devastated. He saw his sexuality as a curse, not as the gift you made him see it for.”

Brian didn’t want to hear this. Deb giving him credit for doing something good for Mikey? No, it was just too weird. He was more comfortable when she was blaming him for all Michaels fuck ups.

“I remember the first day he met you. He came home from school, that very day, a different boy. Excitement bubbled from him as he told me about this “cool” new kid in school he met. He told me how you pushed a kid into the locker for calling him a fag. I still remember the shocked look on his face when he said, “And, Ma, he’s gay! Can you believe it?” Deb laughed. So did Brian.

“Yeah, that sounds like Mikey. Pathetic.”

“You became his friend, his confidant, his role model. All the things I wish I could be. He wouldn’t be the man he is today if it weren’t for you.”

Brian made a face. “Fuck that, Deb. If anything, I was a bad influence on Mikey. I gave him his first cigarette, his first joint, his first taste of whiskey, and I got him laid for the first time with some guy who dumped him the minute he pulled out. Mikey was heartbroken.” Brian remembered how hurt Mikey was when the trick Brian had set him up with left without so much as a thank you. Brian thought nothing of it. After all, it was just sex. But Mikey wasn’t like him, he learned quickly. Mikey didn’t do casual sex very well.

“Can’t deny any of that. But you also were the one who did his homework for him when he was falling behind. You stuck up for him every time some asshole bothered him. You let him drag you into his comic book world when you really couldn’t give a shit about it, but you pretended to be just as excited about Captain Astro as he was. And you’re still pretending. You never let him settle, you always pushed him, expecting more from him.” Deb shifted her position on the floor. She was starting to cramp. “Listen, kiddo, no one has better instincts about what’s best for Michael than you do. Not even me. Remember last year when I was so stuck on Michael being with that doctor?”

Brian laughed bitterly. “Yeah, that turned out great, didn’t it?” he said caustically.

“My point exactly. You didn’t like the good old doc from day one. When I asked you to let him go, you did, in that grandiose Kinney style of yours that I didn’t appreciate, but you did it. But you didn’t do it for me, did you?”

Brian didn’t answer.

“No, you outed him for other reasons. For years you’ve been on him about not being out at work. You saw my request as an opportunity to force Mikey to stand up and be a proud gay man. You knew things would never have worked out with the doc. He was never a threat. But Mikey being ashamed of being gay was unacceptable to you. You loved him enough to risk your friendship to free him of the binds of that heterosexual fantasy he was living at that job of his. You knew THAT was the real threat to Mikey. Not being true to himself.”

“Don’t kid yourself. I outed him cause you were right. He needed to be free of me. I had no idea it wasn’t going to work out with the doc.”

“Oh, you knew alright. From day one you hated David. I thought at first it was because you were a selfish prick who didn’t want to share Michael. But then, when Ben came along, you didn’t say a word. And Ben is positive! I couldn’t believe you weren’t screaming your head off. I was! But your instincts told you that Ben was the one for Michael. You were right, and you supported him, even though your heart was breaking knowing that his love for Ben could one day destroy him.”

Brian’s chest tightened at Debs words. It was true; Mikey was in danger of being hurt, and bad. It was just more proof that love devastated and if one was smart, one would stay fucking clear of it at all costs. He looked over at Justin who was sitting at the dining room table with Vic and Gus. Yeah, he thought, if one were smart. He obviously wasn’t. He loved Justin, and he feared one day, that love would devastate him. He mentally shook himself. He needed to get his emotions under control.

“Deb, you’re deluding yourself. Where the fuck is all this melodrama coming from anyway? Are you fucking menopausal again? I thought that was last year?” Brian said sarcastically.

“No, asshole, I’m being serious! I’ve never told you this and I need to. God knows if I’ll ever get another chance the rate you’re going!’

“Please, not you too! Has Justin been fucking talking to you?”

“No, Mikey has. He’s been talking to me for years, Brian. You think I don’t know? For years you’ve been spiraling downhill. I didn’t see it though. Mikey did. I just chalked it up to you being you. Big, ballsy, fuck ‘em all, and I mean ALL, never want to get old bad boy Kinney. But I was wrong. Mikey tried to tell me you were in trouble, but I wouldn’t listen.”

Brian sighed. “Mikey is a fucking drama queen. Your version of my lifestyle is dead on. I know my faults, Deb. I’m vain, egotistical and selfish; I didn’t get to where I am by being soft. And don’t make me say soft again so close to my dick.”

Deb threw him a disapproving look.

“I am a hard person, emotionally. I’m a hard drinker, hard fucking, hard working machine. I attack life, I don’t sit back and let it attack me.”

“Bullshit. And don’t interrupt me again. I’m not here to argue the virtues or ills of your lifestyle. Be that as it may, I’m here to tell you thank you. That’s all. And to tell you that both Mikey and I love you.”

Brian pulled his knees up and wrapped his arms around them. He rested his chin on his knees and let out a small breath.

“I know, Deb, I love you guys too,” he said quietly.

Deb reached over and hugged him. She kissed him on the cheek and whispered in his ear. “Then for God sakes, Brian, get help. I’m begging you. I can’t lose you and Vic. Please…” Her voice trailed off, too choked with emotion.

Brian turned his face away from her, not wanting her to see the tears forming in his eyes. They sat there like that for a while.

“Dada all done!” Gus ran up to his father. Brian was never happier for the interruption. He gathered his son up in his arms.

“Ice cream, Dada! Ice cream!” Gus said excitedly.

Deb smiled at father and son. “If not for me, then for him,” she whispered to Brian.

Brian heard her but chose to ignore it. He held his son tight and closed his eyes. ’For him’…Deb’s words echoed in the back of his head.

Justin walked over with a bowl of ice cream. “He wants to share it with you,” Justin said and handed the bowl to Brian.

Brian took the bowl and scooped some ice cream onto the spoon. He fed it to his son. Then he scooped some up for himself. They sat there eating the sweet dessert.

“Hey, Sunshine, help me up, will you! My ass is killing me!” Deb said, holding her arms out.

Justin laughed and reached down with both hands and hoisted Deb from the floor. He made an over exaggerated painful sound as he lifted her.

“Watch it, Sunshine! School holiday break is coming up and that midnight shift at the diner has your name on it.” She threatened.

Justin looked immediately contrite.

“Ok, kiddo, as soon as Gus is finished, Vic and I are going to take him back to my house. He looks pretty tired.”

Justin was glad Deb came early. Originally, he planned to put Gus down in their bedroom to sleep while Deb started the “intervention.” Then when she was done, she’d gather Gus up and take him back to her house so he wouldn’t be present when the real “shit” hit the fan.

This way was better. Deb came through once again, and by the looks of it, her conversation with Brian didn’t seem to have a negative affect on him. He’d have to ask her about it tomorrow. That is, if he lived through the night.

Brian looked up at Deb. “Thank you.” Justin heard the meaning in those two little words. He wondered if Deb understood the magnitude of Brian’s ‘Thank you’.

Her eyes welled up. “You’re welcome, kiddo.”

Justin breathed a sigh of relief. So far so good.

He looked at the clock…7:00 p.m.


 

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