Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 43

“The worse guilt is to accept an unearned guilt.” ~ Ayn Rand


***

 

“YEAHHH!” Rena put two fingers in her mouth and whistled loudly, a trick Brian had taught her when they were kids.

“YOU DID IT, BEAN!” She clapped her hands frantically, tears of joy spilled down her cheeks.

Brian held his balance and smiled over at her. He clenched his fists and raised his arms high over his head.

“THIS ONE’S FOR YOU, ANDY!” he screamed to the sky above.

Rena jumped up and down like a cheerleader. Brian laughed. Truth was, he had perfected this back in college, but no one but Rena could appreciate the magnitude of his accomplishment.

“FOUR MINUTES! FOUR FUCKING MINUTES!” She laughed and hooted her joy.

Brian kept the bicycle up on its back wheel, his arms in the air, for four minutes. It didn’t beat Andy’s record, but then again, he didn’t want to. Andy was king of the “Frozen Wheelie” as the kids in their neighborhood dubbed it. Andy was a God to them. No one was able to accomplish this feat much less beat his record. Andy’s record was eight minutes. For eight minutes he held that bicycle up on its back wheel, hands held up over his head without losing his balance. It was fucking amazing! It defied all laws of gravity, but Andy did it, and he taught Brian how to do it.

Andy lived to see Brian accomplish the act, but back then he only could hold the position for about thirty seconds without falling. Still, Andy was proud of him and that’s all that mattered. Years later, Brian perfected the stunt. He remembered showing Lindsey in college. He was so excited that he had finally mastered it; Lindsey however, did not share in his enthusiasm. Not that she wasn’t impressed, she was, but it rang flat to Brian. Rena’s reaction was exactly what Brian had felt having achieved success at the Frozen Wheelie. It was his tribute to their brother.

“FIVE MINUTES! WHOOO HOOO! ANDY, ARE YOU WATCHING?!” Rena’s voice was hoarse at this point. She could not contain her excitement and Brian could not be happier. The moment was amazing, Rena was amazing and he was fucking amazing! He only wished Justin was here to see him. Justin knew about the Frozen Wheelie. Brian had told him about it one night in New York when he showed Justin the picture of Andy. He knew Justin’s reaction would mirror Rena’s. Not only did Justin appreciate a good bike trick, Justin understood the emotions connected to the Frozen Wheelie.

The bicycle started to waver.

“Re, I can’t hold it much longer, is it six minutes yet?” Brian hadn’t attempted this since college. In college, he could hold it for six minutes. He was a tad older now, and out of practice.

Rena looked at her watch, “Just twenty more seconds, Bean, HOLD ON!” She cheered him on.

Brian strained to keep his balance. Fuck this was much harder than he remembered. 10, 9, 8, 7,…he counted down in his head. Fuck, Kinney, don’t lose it now!

4, 3, 2, 1,……….” FUCK!” Brian felt the bike waver under him but he refused to jump off. He had to hold it to that last second. The last thought he had in his head was the number “0” before gravity won out and he lost his balance. The bike felt like it was kicked out from under him and he landed hard on his side.

Rena cursed and ran to him. “Fuck, Bean, why didn’t you jump off!” she scolded as she helped him sit up. Brian groaned in pain.

Rena ran her hands over him checking for broken ribs. Brian pushed her away and laughed. “I’m fine, just bruised.”

“Six minutes, Re. Impressed?” He winked at her.

Rena shrieked her approval and threw herself against him giving him a big bear hug. The sudden attack caused them both to fall back against the cold grass.

“Umph!” Brian made the agonizing sound as he hit the ground, again. Rena wasn’t a kid anymore. She body slammed him with such force it knocked the wind out of him.

“Jesus, Re, have you been training with James?” he asked as he rolled her off of him.

Rena laughed. “Of course, as if James would let me get out of shape. How do you think I maintain this fabulous figure?” she said and posed for his benefit.

Brian laughed and heaved himself up from the ground. He grabbed Rena’s wrist and pulled her up with him.

They stood, staring at each other quietly sharing the moment and the memories. The good ones. Silly smiles played on their faces.

“God, I miss him,” Brian said.

“Me too,” Rena sighed.

Brian retrieved his bike and checked it for damages. “Well, at least it survived unscathed.”

He walked the bike over to the bench in the park where they were. He and Rena both sat down and enjoyed the morning sun. It was unusually warm for November. Thanksgiving was only five days away. Maybe that’s why Brian was feeling so at odds. It would be his first Thanksgiving in a very long time with his sister. The fact that he probably wouldn’t see his son this holiday was putting a damper on what should be a very happy occasion.

Rena and Deb had planned this big holiday meal. Justin and James of course had their hands in it. They decided to have it at Rena’s house since it was big enough to hold their whole clan. It was bitter sweet for Brian, but that wasn’t the whole of why he was feeling out of sorts. It was Justin.

Justin wasn’t himself since the “episode”. Brian was becoming increasingly worried. A full week had past and Justin was still distant. Even in the bedroom, where things were NEVER distant between them, Brian could feel it. Not when they were actually fucking, thank God, but right afterwards. Justin always ran out. He did it again this morning.

They stayed in last night, which was unusual for a Friday night, but Brian wanted some alone time with Justin. The sex was amazing, Brian was sure it was a turning point and Justin was finally getting over his anger. Justin was wild; there was a desperation to his fucking that was tangible. It was as if Justin hadn’t fucked him for ages, or expected not to for a long time. Whatever the reason for his mood, Brian took him over and over until they both collapsed from exhaustion. But when he woke this morning, Justin was gone. Not a good sign. Brian took his shower alone and headed to Rena’s house. Thoughts of Andy plagued him today, which prompted him to bring his bike. He was glad he did. His mood had lifted considerably.

“Penny for your thoughts,” Rena said as she sat next to him.

Brian squinted at the sun and leaned back against the bench. He stretched his long legs out and crossed them at the ankles. His arms were draped over the back of the bench.

“Has Justin talked to you?” he asked casually.

Rena stiffened. “About what?” she asked cautiously. Tonight was the night. Brian had been on edge for the past few days now. She knew he sensed something.

Brian shrugged. “I don’t know. Anything. He’s been a bit distant lately.”

Rena put her hand on his thigh. “He’s worried about you, that’s all.” She wasn’t going to lie to Brian, but she wasn’t going to give any more information then necessary.

“Yeah, well he’s starting to worry me.”

Rena frowned. “You’ve always worried too much.”

Brian exhaled loudly. They sat in silence for a while.

Rena closed her eyes and let the sun warm her face.

“I love him you know,” Brian said out of the blue.

Rena kept her eyes closed. “I know.”

Brian shifted on the bench. “I can’t lose him, Re. I won’t survive it this time.”

Rena looked over at him. “Bean, what’s wrong? Justin’s not going anywhere, you know that.”

Brian let out a bitter laugh. “Do I know that, Re? Do I, really?” he asked giving her a pointed look.

Rena looked at him with a pained expression. If Justin wanted to know the root of Brian’s behavior, he should just look in the mirror. Justin was the greatest joy in Brian’s life, and his greatest fear.

“There are no guarantees in life, we both know that. But look at the odds. At the rate you’re going, you’ll die way before he does.” She tilted her head and studied him. “Or is that your plan Brian? Are you trying to ensure you leave before him?”

Brian snorted. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“I’m talking about your reckless drinking, drugging and fucking. You chain smoke, don’t eat, and you’re a workaholic. Sounds like a man whose flirting with death. And now you’re sudden need to have your rights to Gus back? Why? So you can have more time with him so he doesn’t forget you when you’re gone?” Rena was flirting too closely to the truth.

“Don’t play the shrink with me, sis. I’ve always been a heavy drinker, an over achiever and a fucking slut. Doesn’t mean there is some deep hidden desire to kill myself. I’d be more worried about Shane if I were you.” Brian dismissed Rena’s theory.

“Don’t think I’m not,” Rena huffed.

“Yeah, well, then why are you playing messenger between her and Adam?”

Rena laughed. “You found out, huh?”

“I’m glad you think it’s funny. I told you I don’t want her talking to that man.”

“She’s not, I am. Jesus, Brian, let this go. Adam is going to tell Lindsey and Mel when they get back that he can’t represent them. What more do you want? Keeping them apart is not helping Shane. I’ve talked to him. There is more to him than the condescending arrogant prick he likes to show everyone. Actually, he kind of reminds me of you.” Rena smiled impishly at Brian.

Brian shot her a menacing look. Rena bit her lip to stop herself from laughing.

“What do you mean when Lins and Mel get back? We’re did they go?”

“I don’t know. They went on a family vacation I guess. Adam said they wouldn’t be back until Monday.” It wasn’t exactly a lie. She just left out the part where they left Gus with Deb for the weekend. Justin wanted to surprise Brian with a visit from Gus; Deb was bringing him to the loft tonight.

“Where’s John today?” Brian asked changing the subject. “You two have been inseparable for weeks. I’m surprised he’s not up your ass today,” Brian said a little too caustically.

Rena cringed. She knew exactly how Brian felt. She felt the same way when she first met Justin. For the longest time it was just the two of them. Both had sworn off love forever, knowing the pain it caused. But then Brian showed up in New York with Justin, and Rena saw it. Her brother had fallen in love. It hurt her at the time, and now Brian was feeling the same pain seeing her and John together.

“Do you know what I did that first night in New York?” Rena asked, referring to their reunion.

Brian eyed her suspiciously. “As I recall, we spent the night catching up, and getting stoned.”

Rena let out a small laugh. “I mean after you left.”

“No, what?”

“I called Viv and told her I had lost you.”

Brian turned to her, “You what? Why the fuck would you think that?” he said, clearly agitated and confused.

“Because of Justin. I saw it that first night, how much you loved him and I thought, I lost my Bean.” Rena turned to look at him. “Do you know what Viv said?”

“What the fuck would Viv know about us?” Brian snorted, not liking this conversation.

“She told me that I couldn’t lose what I never had.”

“Bitch was never subtle,” Brian said. His was staring intensely at Rena, not sure where she was going with this. He was surprised she had felt that way. She should know nothing could ever come between them. Their bond was forged years ago; even death could not break it. Just like Andy’s death had not diminished their bond with him. After all these years, they both still loved him, and were loyal to his memory.

“I was jealous. Viv was right. I never thought either of us would fall in love. Not after…” Rena’s voice caught in the back of her throat.

Brian pulled her to his side and rubbed her arm soothingly. “I know,” was all he said.

“Anyway, it was Justin who made me realize that I could never lose you.” Rena smiled up at Brian.

Brian laughed. “How did Sunshine manage to do that?” He wasn’t surprised that Justin was able to ease Rena’s fears. After all, he was her knight in shinning armor.

“By accepting me as part of you. Justin loves you so completely, that by extension, he loves those that are “part” of you. Like Gus, and me. I’ve never seen that kind of love before. He opened himself up to me. No reservations, no hesitation. At first, I didn’t understand the instant connection between us. It was eerie. I soon came to realize that it was “our” love for you that connected us. I didn’t lose you, Bean, I gained Justin.” Rena snuggled against Brian.

“Justin adores you Re, you know that.”

“I know. And you should know you’ll never lose me, you are however, gaining John.” Rena looked up at him to catch his reaction.

“So you are in love with him.”

“I think I am,” Rena said and held her breath.

Brian hugged her. “I think that therapist you are seeing is doing some good. I never thought I’d hear you say that. And, I can’t tell you how happy it makes me to know its John. He’s a good man, Re. Probably too good for you. So don’t fuck this one up.”

Rena elbowed him and laughed. “You’re such an asshole.”

Brian mussed her hair and smiled at her. “So I’ve been told.”

“So what other breakthroughs have you had in therapy?” Brian asked.

He went with her to her first session, as he promised. It wasn’t as bad as he thought it would be. He had a good feeling about the doctor. He didn’t ask too many questions, and didn’t pretend to be able to solve everyone’s problem. He told them the best they could hope for is to gain knowledge and insight into accepting things they couldn’t change and to develop the skills to change the things that they could. Brian liked his philosophy. Rena had been seeing him for the past several weeks now.

A few minutes passed before Rena answered. “We talked about the night Andy died,” Rena said and squeezed Brian’s arm.

They never talked about that night before. Neither ever broached the subject. It was as if it never happened. That was how they both dealt with the horrors of their childhood. They blocked those memories out completely, and when they threatened to surface, they beat them down with booze, sex and drugs. Brian was right to send her to therapy. It took Justin walking in on her having a seizure; otherwise she would have never gone. Through therapy she was learning to come to terms with what happened to her, Brian and Andy. She brought her demons out to face them and found that they weren’t going to destroy her.

She remembered those words James spoke to her in New York when she asked him how a man deals with his demons. He said, “He can just not deal with them, which is very bad, because then they will deal with him. Or he can make peace with them, taking away their power.” She was taking the power away from her demons by making peace with them, and there was one particular demon both her and Brian shared that they both needed to make peace with, and she had to do this now, before tonight.

Brian’s mind went blank at Rena’s words. He would not think about it. Not now, not ever. It was a long time ago, the dye had been cast. No good would come from digging it up again. He started to rise from the bench. Rena gripped his arm tighter.

“Brian, listen to me. If you love me, then you have to let me talk about it. You don’t have to say anything, but I do. It’s part of my healing.” Rena saw he wasn’t moving. She tried again.

“I can’t keep it buried anymore, it’s hurting me. Please, Brian…”

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose and lowered his head. He dreaded this day; he had hoped he could get through life without ever having this conversation with Rena. He didn’t know if he could take hearing her tell him how she felt about him murdering her brother. He was perfectly content to believe she had forgotten, or blocked it out, this way she could never hate him for what he did. But he was the one who sent her to therapy. What did he expect? Of course her seizures where somehow routed in that terrible night. He looked down at her and saw the desperation in her eyes. He deserved this, but more importantly, Rena needed this to heal. He sat back down next to her.

Rena sighed in relief. She began tentatively. She could not live with the guilt any longer. She needed Brian’s forgiveness.

“Losing Andy devastated the both of us. I can’t imagine the pain you must have felt, continue to feel. The pain I caused.” Rena’s voice cracked.

Brian snapped his head around, astonished at her words. “What are you talking about? You didn’t do anything! I was the one, not you.” Emotions strangled his voice.

“It should have been me,” Rena said almost too quietly. Brian wasn’t sure if he heard her correctly. He stared at her, somewhat stunned.

“NO...” He started to refute her, but she cut him off.

“Andy told me that morning that he was going to kill himself. I knew Andy believed with all his heart that he was damning his soul forever by committing suicide, but he didn’t care. His pain and suffering were too great. I should have been the one to end his pain, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I was a coward.” Rena took a deep breath.

Brian turned Rena around to face him, his movements quick and frantic. “DON’T you fucking EVER say that! Oh my God, Rena! Your beliefs were as strong as Andy’s! Your mother, OUR mother, would have never forgiven you. She would have never forgiven ME if I had let you do that!” Brian’s words were harsh and filled with pain.

“Please, Brian, let me finish!” Rena demanded. Brian held her stare, but kept quiet. His emotions were literally choking him. He couldn’t speak.

“Andy knew what I was thinking, he always did. He told me not to worry. He said, and I quote, “Brian will take care of everything.” I knew what he meant. And God help me but I felt relieved.” Rena’s voice cracked, she was crying. Brian held her closer.

“I’m so sorry, Brian, I’m so fucking sorry.” Rena sobbed against him.

“Shhh...stop it, Rena. I can’t believe you’ve been carrying this guilt! You’ve nothing to be sorry for!” He hugged her close.

“My God, and all these years I feared you hated me for killing Andy.”

Rena wiped her tears on Brian’s jacket and looked up. “Killing Andy? You saved him! My God Brian, you not only saved Andy’s soul from eternal damnation, you’ve saved mine! Murder ranks right up there with suicide.”

Brian smiled. “Well, so does being gay, according to your religion, so you see, my soul was already damned. But you and Andy, well you both have a shot at going to heaven,” Brian said half serious.

Rena’s face grew very serious. “Your soul will NOT be damned, Brian. Andy would never let that happened.”

Brian heard the unflinching certainty in Rena’s voice and believed her. Maybe there was hope for him. After all, Andy was on the other side and Andy always had his back.

“Rena, I have no regrets about Andy. None. All these years the only thing I’ve regretted was that you saw it. And, well, that and that it wasn’t me instead of him,” Brian confessed.

“Jesus, Brian, don’t say that. Do you think Andy and I would be any better off right now? No one deserved to die. Except Emilian.” Rena spat out his name as if it were poison lying on her tongue.

She still hadn’t come to terms with the rape. She couldn’t tell Brian about that yet, she had to work through so many other issues first. One step at a time. She knew better than anyone else the importance of not rushing the healing process. All those years of training, and helping others and the one person who needed it most she couldn’t help. Herself.

“Well, that deed is done. Thank God.” He leaned back against the bench.

Rena took a deep cleansing breath and lifted her face to the wind.

“Do you feel that, Bean?” she asked after a few minutes.

“What?”

“Free.” Rena said.

Brian picked up her hand and brought it to his lips. “I never thought we would be sitting here one day talking about that day. You have no idea how freeing it is to know you don’t hate me,” he said, tears glistening in his eyes.

Rena leaned over and kissed his cheek. “And you have no idea how freeing it is to know you don’t regret the position we put you in.”

“There was never a choice, Re. It WAS my place, not yours. Fuck! We should have had this talk years ago.” He hated that his sister was carrying around this guilt. Fucking Emilian! He wished he were still alive so he could go kill him, himself.

“It doesn’t matter. What matters is that we talked about it now.”

Brian agreed.

They sat for the first time since Andy’s death, finally at peace with that night. They held hands, each lost in their thoughts.

“Yeah,” Brian broke the silence.

“I feel it.”

 

***
 

Justin unbuckled Gus’s car seat in the back of his Audi. “Let’s go find Dada, Gus!”

Justin had picked Gus up at Deb’s house; she had called him earlier that morning to let him know Mel and Lindsey had dropped Gus off the night before and that if he wanted, he could take Gus to spend the whole day with Brian. Justin jumped at the opportunity and went to pick Gus up.

Gus was excited to see Justin. He ran to him and jumped into his arms. “Dustin! Dustin!” Gus said and hugged him tight. Justin laughed. God he loved Gus.

“Dada?” Gus asked. The boy was way too smart. He knew seeing Justin meant that Dada must be nearby.

“Yes, Gus, we’re going to see Dada,” Justin reassured the boy. Gus let out an excited yelp.

“I’ll see you at seven then,” Deb said.

“Thanks, Deb, you have no idea what this is going to mean to Brian.”

“Yeah, well let’s hope some time with his son will mellow him a bit for what’s going to happen tonight,” she said with a worried look on her face.

Justin frowned. He wasn’t going to think about tonight. At the moment, all that mattered right now was getting Gus to his Dada. Tonight was all set. Let the chips fall where they may, he wasn’t backing down.

“Whatever happens, Deb, I just want you to know I’ll never forget all your help, and support, and I’ll never regret what we’re doing,” Justin said, tears stinging the back of his eyelids.

“It will be fine, you’ll see. You’re doing the right thing, Sunshine.” Deb gave him a pat on the cheek.

“Ok, Gus, time to go. Give Grandma Deb a kiss goodbye!” Deb went and took Gus from Justin and gave him a big hug and kiss. Gus made a face and wiped his cheek. Deb’s kisses tended to be a bit sloppy when it came to kids. Justin smiled at the memory.

He was so excited to bring Gus home to Brian. The disappointment he felt when he returned with Gus to an empty loft was deep. He called Rena’s house. Shane told him that Brian came there this morning with his bicycle and took Rena to the park. He turned right around and headed for the park.

Gus thought it all a grand adventure. “Find Dada! Find Dada!” He chanted. The boy thought this was some grand hide and seek game.

Justin lifted Gus from his seat and closed the car door. He looked around the park and spotted them. They were several yards away sitting on the bench. The bicycle was to the left of them. Justin smiled. He had a hunch what Brian was doing with the bike.

Gus spotted Brian before Justin could point him out.

“DADA!” he screamed and started running towards his father. Justin took off after him laughing.

 

***
 

Brian and Rena heard Gus’s yell at the same time. Brian turned in the direction of his son’s voice and quickly sprung to his feet.

“GUS!” he yelled back and ran towards his son.

Brian closed the short distance between them with several long strides. Gus jumped up into his father’s arms laughing.

“Find Dada!” the boy said proudly. He hugged his father tight. Brian rubbed his cheek against his sons, tears spilled over onto his face, his eyes closed as he basked in the feel of his son.

Justin walked up behind them. Brian opened his eyes and Justin’s heart broke. The joy in Brian’s eyes was so intense. How could those cunts think of keeping him away from his son?

“Find Dada!” Gus was giggling. Brian looked at Justin.

“We had to go looking for you. I wanted to surprise you at the loft. Mel and Lins went away this weekend and left him with Deb. Deb said I could take him for the day. He thinks we’re playing hide and seek.”

Brian made a mental note to thank Deb. She always came through for him. He couldn’t believe she pulled this off. He knew she somehow convinced Mel and Lins to leave Gus with her. They would never ask her on their own. Mel was too fucking proud, and stubborn to ask for help. Oh, she’d take it when it was given to Lindsey from him, but she would never ask herself.

Brian pulled his son back to look at his face. God he loved his boy.

“You sure did, Sonny boy! How would you like to spend the day with your old Dad?”

“YIPPPPEEE!” Gus screeched. Brian laughed.

Rena came up behind them. “Hey, Gus!”

“Re Re!” Gus leaned over and gave his aunt a quick hug and kiss then put his arms back around his father’s neck.

Rena laugh. “Ok, I get it. Dada comes first.”

Justin looked over at the bike. “Hey, Gus, ask Dada to show you the Frozen Wheelie,” he said looking up at Brian.

Brian’s eyes snapped to Justin’s. A smile spread across his face.

“So my boy wants to see the Frozen Wheelie, huh?”

“Yeah, both your boys want to see it,” Justin replied and winked at him.

And Brian was more than happy to show them the stunt.

Gus and Justin’s reaction to the Frozen Wheelie was just what he expected. Ridiculously exuberant and filled with love. He never felt happier.

The last thought Brian had as they left the park was, ‘It doesn’t get much better than this.’


 

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