Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 4

 "Then must you speak Of One that lov'd not wisely but too well." Othello - Shakespeare

*****

Justin walked down the steps of the Pittsburgh Institute of Fine Arts and pulled his collar up around his neck to ward off the chill. He shifted the school bag that was swinging over his shoulder to rest more comfortably on his hip.

Fuck, it was cold! He headed for the stone bench where he sat to wait for Daphne to pick him up. Her mother had bought a new car and was letting Daphne use her old one to get back and forth to school. Since Justin wasn’t with Brian anymore it was getting harder to find transportation to and from his classes. Daphne’s and his schedules didn’t allow for her to give him a ride every day, so some days he had to walk. Thank God, this wasn’t one of those days! It was a long walk from Ethan’s apartment to PIFA. Not that he minded walking, but he was glad to get the occasional ride from his best friend. On the mornings he worked at the diner he had to find a ride to work and then find a ride to school. If Daphne wasn’t available he took the bus, and then had to walk several blocks from the bus stop to his school. Finding and scheduling rides back and forth from work to school was becoming a full-time job. It was one of the little things he had taken for granted when he was living with Brian. Brian had always driven him wherever he needed to go, and if he couldn’t drive him he would arrange for car service.

Justin pulled a cigarette from his pocket and lit it. He didn’t know why he was still smoking. It wasn't that he smoked a lot; he had the same pack for over a week now. But smoking was something he’d only done with Brian, and it was a habit he had taken with him when he left Brian. One among many that he picked up from his ex-lover.

Justin took a deep pull from the cigarette as he let his mind wander, which was always a bad thing because when his mind wandered his thoughts inevitably turned to Brian. Guilt flooded him. He should be thinking about poor Ethan playing his violin on the street in this cold, knowing it would soon get colder.. He hated that Ethan had to play on the streets for money. He was very talented, and Justin was sure that one day that talent would be appreciated by the right people. Justin cared about Ethan a lot. He would even go so far as saying that he loved Ethan. The trouble was that he wasn’t “in love” with Ethan.

He knew he should feel guilty about that, but he couldn’t. Some things were out of one’s control, and being in love was one of them. He was still very much in love with Brian. Deep down in his very core he knew he would always be in love with Brian. That is something he knew would never change. But at this time in his life he had to be away from Brian. Brian was hurting and in the process, he was hurting Justin. It brought new meaning to the phrase, “You only hurt the one you love,” for Justin.

Justin had discovered how deeply Brian was hurt and damaged within the first weeks of seeing him—or, more accurately, stalking him. Justin smiled to himself. Brian never had a chance. Justin had known from that very first night what Brian still refused to admit: that they were destined to be together. For two years Justin had tried hard to get Brian to open up to him, but fate always threw obstacles in their path.

His age was an issue for one. A twelve-year difference wouldn’t matter to most people, but when you're Brian Kinney twelve years is a lifetime. Brian had always felt that Justin was giving up his youth by being with him, and nothing Justin did or said could convince Brian otherwise. For some odd reason, Brian had obsessed about Justin enjoying his youth to the fullest. It wasn’t like Justin was missing out on anything. He was enjoying his life with school and friends. Just because he hung out with Brian’s friends a lot did not mean Justin was missing out on his youth. They were his friends, too. Justin was more comfortable with them than most of the assholes his own age, except for Daphne, of course. Most guys his age were immature and homophobic pricks. Besides Daphne, Emmett, whom he met through Brian, was his closest friend. That didn’t change when Justin left Brian, but Brian didn’t see that. No, Brian was good at denying things that didn’t fit into what he believed to be true.

If that wasn’t bad enough, just when Justin thought Brian was starting to let himself feel something more for him he got bashed and spent two weeks in a coma thanks to Chris Hobbs.

Justin threw his now finished cigarette to the ground in disgust and lit another one. Great, now he was chain smoking. Fucking Chris Hobbs! More than anything Justin hated Hobbs, not so much for bashing his head in—although that would definitely be reason enough to hate him—but for fucking up the little progress he had been making with Brian.

Brian had done something very much out of character when he showed up at Justin’s prom, and Chris Hobbs had ruined it! Hobbs took so much from Justin that night, but the thing he took that hurt the most was his memory of Brian dancing with him. He would gladly live with his gimp hand and his panic attacks for the rest of his life if only he had that memory. Each time Daphne described the events of that night, events that happened before the bashing, when Brian strolled into his school gym and took him into his arms, claiming him as his own, it made Justin want to scream. Damn it, that memory belonged to him! It was probably the only time Brian had let his emotional guard down in public. And by doing so, in Brian’s mind, he had almost lost Justin.

Brian still blamed himself for what happened to Justin that night, when in truth, if anyone was to blame, other than Hobbs, it was Justin.

Justin knew his own faults. He was passionate, impulsive and, at times, reckless. Like when he went to Liberty Avenue that first night. He was only seventeen and so very, very naïve. His only encounter with other gay men at that time had been chats on the Internet and those guys were freaks. God only knows what could have happened to him if Brian hadn’t found him standing under that lamppost.

That same impulsive, reckless nature that had led him to Liberty Avenue that fateful night had led him to embarrassing Hobbs on the street in front of his friends. He had known that Chris wouldn’t take that lying down. He shouldn’t have done it. Brian had warned him that his little act had just made him an enemy, and he was right.

His impulsive nature had also led him to leave the Rage party with Ethan. He was hurt, angry and fed up. It wasn't as if he would never have left Brian at some point. He had known that he had to get away from Brian, but leaving the way he did was wrong. Justin regretted his actions that night. Brian didn’t deserve that. Things had become so bad between them at that point and Justin hadn't been thinking straight.

After the bashing, Brian had taken Justin in and nursed him back to health. He had been so focused on fixing what he thought he had broken that he had lost his focus on “them”. They started slipping away from each other. Brian hadn't been letting Justin in, and other than sex, the only area where they were in total harmony, they hadn't been connecting.

It seemed that the more Justin tried to connect with Brian outside the bedroom, the more Brian pulled away. But inside the bedroom Brian’s emotions had been totally exposed to Justin. He spoke volumes with every touch, every breath, and every kiss. Their souls had communed free from the bullshit of the world outside. If only they could have spent the rest of their lives in bed, Justin thought wistfully.

In the end Justin had stopped trying. Ethan had come along and it was so easy with Ethan. Ethan had given with such ease that Justin melted into it. For once, Justin hadn't had to work so hard to be with someone. It had been a revelation for Justin to finally hear someone say “I love you” to him. When Justin left Brian he knew that he was still in love with him, but being in love wasn’t enough and Justin didn’t have the strength to carry them through a relationship on his love alone.

Justin crushed his second cigarette under his foot on the pavement. Maybe Brian was right. Where did his youth go? He sighed heavily. He was way too young to have this much emotional baggage.

“Beep, Beep!” Daphne’s car horn pulled him out of his thoughts. He stood up and walked over to the car, and pulled the door open to get in.

“Have you been smoking?” Daphne scrunched her nose up at Justin.

Justin settled into the passenger seat and put his seat belt on. “Yeah, why? It’s not like you never smoke,” he answered.

“Yeah but you only smoke around Brian.”

‘Great, now she’s going to psychoanalyze me.’

“That’s not true!” he snapped defensively.

“Geesh, fine! Have it your way.” She turned her attention to the road and pulled out into the street.

They drove in silence for a few minutes. Daphne turned on the radio; Carly Simon’s ‘I Haven’t got Time for the Pain’ was playing. Justin reached over and turned the station to something more recent and less prophetic. He settled on the college station. Great, they're playing ‘Heaven Forbid’ by The Fray. He sighed and settled back into the seat.

Daphne glanced over at him, taking note of his dark mood.

“Trouble in paradise?” she asked lightheartedly.

“Why would you say that?” Justin whispered, unconcerned. He turned to look out the passenger side window.

“Well, you’re in a mood, ” she commented, “and if it isn’t Ethan, then it must be Brian."

Justin didn't acknowledge her comment and continued staring out the window.

“Ok, it’s Brian then. What happened?”

Justin let out an exasperated sound. “Why do you do that, Daphne?”

“Do what?”

“Assume my moods are centered on Brian,” Justin replied, slightly agitated. Daphne knew him too well.

“Well, Justin, if you must know, it’s because your moods DO center on Brian. Have you talked to him since you moved in with Ethan?”

He didn't even bother denying her accusation that his moods centered on Brian. For the most part, she was right.

“I’ve bumped into him a few times. It’s so weird. He’s friendly, asks how I’m doing. If I didn’t know better I’d think he didn’t give a shit that I left.” Justin couldn’t hide the hurt in his voice.

“Hmm … but you do know better, Justin, right?” Daphne leaned towards him and bumped her head against his shoulder while keeping her eyes on the road.

Daphne was more of a romantic then he was. He smiled at her.

“Yeah, Brian Kinney gives a shit. Okay? You happy now?” They both laughed.

“He left me a $20 tip the other day at the diner,” he informed Daphne. “All he ordered was a coffee to go.”

“See, he does give a shit.”

“Actually, he always leaves me a $20 tip when he comes in.” Justin smiled to himself. It did make him feel good to know that Brian was still trying to take care of him, in his own small way.

“Wow, if you ask me, that’s true love.” Daphne laughed.

Daphne’s cell phone started vibrating on the dashboard and she reached for it.

“Don’t you know talking on a cell phone while you’re driving is against the law?” Justin teased.

She gave him a “give me a break” look and answered the phone.

“Daphne’s phone!” She cheerfully spoke into the phone.

“Um, yeah, Brian, he’s right here. Do you want to talk to him?”

Justin nearly jumped in his seat. Brian had called her looking for him? Oh, that couldn't be good, he thought. Daphne looked over at him and made a face, showing her surprise.

“Sure, Brian. Here.” She started to give the phone to Justin but pulled it back and said, “Oh, and hello to you, too, Brian.” It was clear from her response that Brian was being his usual blunt self.

She smiled to herself at Brian's response and then handed the phone to Justin.

Justin took the phone from Daphne. “Brian?” He asked, as if there was a chance that it wasn’t Brian on the phone.

“Hey, Sunshine. How’s it going?”

Okay, this was weird. Brian was calling him Sunshine. It didn't sound sarcastic, but it didn't sound endearing either.

“Is something wrong?” Justin asked cautiously.

He heard Brian sigh on the other end of the phone. He started to get nervous when Brian didn't answer immediately.

“No. I’m going out of town for a few days.” He paused for a moment. “Justin, I need to talk to you before I go.”

Now Justin was really nervous. His stomach clenched. Something was wrong; he could feel it.

“Okay, when do you want to do this?” He asked.

“At the loft, and now if you could.”

Justin looked over at Daphne, who was hanging on every word of the conversation. He was supposed to meet Ethan in the park this afternoon, but that was one appointment he wouldn't be able to keep.

“Hold on, I just need to ask Daphne if she can drop me off there.” Before he got a chance to ask her he noticed Daphne was vigorously nodding her head yes. He let out a nervous laugh.

“Daphne says no problem, Brian. I guess I’ll see you in a few minutes.”

“Great. Later.”

“Later.” Justin closed the phone. Daphne turned the car around and headed for the loft without being told where to go. Sometimes he thought Daphne had a better grasp of his and Brian's relationship than he did.

“What the fuck was that about?” She finally blurted out, her curiosity getting the better of her.

“Hell if I know,” Justin answered honestly.

They rode in silence all the way to the loft. Daphne pulled up in front and put the car in park.

Justin looked up at the old familiar building. "Fuck, this can't be good," he thought.
 

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