Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 36

 Lie to me and tell me everything is all right
Lie to me and tell me that you'll stay here tonight
Tell me that you'll never leave
Oh, and I'll just try to make believe
That everything, everything you’re telling me is true
Come on baby won't you just

Lie to me, go ahead and lie to me

~ “Lie to me” Johnny Lang

***

 

Brian entered the loft and threw his brief case across the wooden floors. He slammed the door behind him.

“Mother fucker!” he yelled at no one in particular. He took his coat off and flung it in the same direction as his briefcase. “Fucking Cunts!” He went into the kitchen, grabbed his bottle of beam and headed for the bedroom.

Justin watched the display from his computer. His heart hammered inside his chest. What the fuck happened? He jumped up and followed Brian into the bedroom.

“What’s wrong?” he asked, fear and anxiety heavy in his voice.

Brian whipped around and spat at him. “Fucking Lindsey! I can’t fucking believe she’s letting Mel get away with this shit! That fucking cunt Mel! She won’t let me see Gus anymore!” Brian choked out that last part.

Justin gasped. “No! I don’t believe it! Linds wouldn’t let that happen; Gus loves you! How many times has Lindsey brought him here because he was asking for you? Gus will be devastated if he’s not allowed to see his dada!” Justin was outraged.

“I’m going over there now,” Justin said and headed for the door. “They won’t get away with this! What are they going to do next? Stop me from seeing Gus? Fucking Cunts!” Justin was half way out the door before Brian could grab him and stop him.

“Whoa there, tiger! You can’t go over there in a rage, not now. I just had it out with them. It will only make matters worse,” Brian said, his anger somewhat deflated. His heart swelled at Justin’s loyalty. Justin loved Gus as if he were his own. He was taking this just as hard as Brian was.

“We have to do something, Brian. Have you called that lawyer yet?”

Brian sighed. “Yes, I called him. He got back to me today. He said he couldn’t take on another client right now. His caseload is too full. Then I get the phone call from Linds telling me I can’t see my son anymore. Great fucking day, huh?”

Actually, the whole fucking week had been a disaster. It started off with Rena’s test results. The good news was that everything was normal, physically. The bad news was that the seizures were most likely the result of a psychological disorder.

The doctor determined that Rena was experiencing a form of PTSS. Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. He equated her seizures to that of an intense panic attack. Most likely triggered by reminders of a past trauma. Brian’s chest tightened when he heard the diagnosis, though he really wasn’t surprised. On some level, he knew. She had buried the memory of seeing him give Andy that lethal injection. She was just thirteen at the time. She shouldn’t have been in the room, but she was. She was always too inquisitive. Fucking nosey bitch, look where it got her. All fucked up. Brian was unreasonably angry with her for being there, for witnessing his sin. They never talked about it. Brian swore to Andy he would have no regrets. And he didn’t, not for what he did for Andy, but he did regret deeply how it had affected Rena.

They set an appointment up with a psychiatrist that Rena trusted. Brian told her he would go to the first session with her. It was the least he could do for her. Great. Just what he needed, some asshole digging around in his head. He reminded himself this was for Rena, not him.

Then today, Lindsey calls him. When she told him her and Mel’s decision Brian rushed right over to their house. They were waiting for him. Gus was at a neighbor’s house.

They had a huge fight. Actually he and Mel had the fight, Linds stayed uncharacteristically quiet. Her acquiesce was unmistakable though, she was supporting Mel’s decision. Things were said between them that would not easily be forgotten, or forgiven.

“She just stood there and allowed Mel to tell me I would never see my son again,” Brian said in a dead calm voice.

Justin went and hugged him.

Brian laughed derisively and pushed him away. “It was going to happen sooner or later I suppose. See, Sunshine, this is what happens when you let people in. They fuck you.” He turned around and went back into the bedroom.

Justin sighed. Fucking Lindsey! Brian was making such progress in trusting again and now this happens! This was going to set him back big time.

Lindsey and he had been friends, more than friends, for years. He loved her. He agreed to father her child; he would have NEVER done that for anyone. Lindsey always had a way of getting Brian to do what ever she wanted. She was the only person Brian allowed to manipulate him. Justin didn’t understand why, until he found out about Rena. Justin now believed that in Brian’s mind, Lindsey was a substitute for Rena. Brian missed his sister so much, that when he met Lindsey, he transferred all his protective feelings he couldn’t give to Rena, onto Lindsey. He always took care of Lindsey, be it financially or emotionally, the way he wished he could have taken care of his sister.

Lindsey’s silence must have tore through Brian like a knife. Brian could count on one hand how many people he trusted, and Lindsey was one of them. Justin wasn’t surprised at Lindsey silence. He suspected she felt like second fiddle now that Rena was back in Brian’s life. She had Brian all to herself for so long, she must be feeling left out. Brian had been spending less time with her, and spending most of his time with Rena. Justin could understand her hurt, but he couldn’t condone her silence in this matter. It was just plain spiteful. He was definitely going to have a talk with her. But not tonight. Brian was right, he’d let things cool down first.

Justin walked into the bedroom to find Brian getting dressed. He sighed and folded his arms across his chest. “And what is going out going to solve?”

Brian turned his head and stared at Justin. “Not a fucking thing. Your point?” He gave Justin a blank stare.

Ok, this was bad. Brian was in self-destructive mode. He wasn’t just going out tricking, he was going out to fuck himself up with booze, drugs and men that he would never go near if he were in his right mind.

“And I’m the impulsive one,” Justin retorted.

Brian ignored him and grabbed his wallet. “Don’t wait up,” he said as he pulled his leather jacket out of the closet and headed out of the bedroom.

Justin didn’t know what to do. He couldn’t follow him; that would just make things worse. He couldn’t call Rena; she would fly into a rage and probably go rip Lindsey a new one. Maybe he could call Emmett. At least Emmett could keep an eye on him, make sure he didn’t get into any serious trouble. Brian wouldn’t think anything of seeing Emmett out as they hung out at the same places.

“Brian!” Justin called out to his retreating form.

Brian stopped, his back to Justin.

“Promise me you’ll be careful.” Emotion was heavy in his voice.

Brian’s shoulders slumped a bit; he lowered his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. He needed to get out of there. He was ready to explode. “I’ll be fine,” he said then swung open the loft door.

“Fuck, you scared the shit out of me!” Shane said, jumping back.

“Who the fuck let you in?” Brian asked, surprised to see Shane. She didn’t buzz up.

“I snuck in when someone was leaving.” She looked at what Brian was wearing.

“Someone’s in for a hot night,” she said with a sly grin.

“Fuck you,” Brian snapped and walked past her, foregoing the elevator and taking the stairs instead.

“Geesh. What the fuck is his problem?” Shane said as she entered the loft, closing the door behind her.

“Just bad timing, Shane.” Justin hurried to the large window in the living room and looked out. He watched Brian get into the ‘Vette and speed away. His heart raced. He needed to call Emmett.

“I’m sorry, Shane, this is not a good time, I need to make a phone call. Is there something in particular you wanted or is this just a friendly visit?”

Shane saw the look on her friend’s face and was immediately concerned. “What the fuck is going on, Justin?”

Justin sighed. “Things are getting nasty with Mel and Brian. She’s refusing to let him see his son. And DON’T fucking tell Rena! Let Brian tell her. He had to stop me from going over there to ream them out; I can’t imagine anyone stopping Rena and it would only make matters worse for Brian.”

“You’re right. I won’t say a word. Fuck, Justin! Why are they being assholes about this? It’s not like he’s asking for custody! How can they do that anyway? What does Brian’s lawyer say?”

“Brian doesn’t have a lawyer. Viv had recommended one, but he told Brian he was too busy. Brian was counting on him, too; he’s supposedly one of the best. Now Brian will have to find another lawyer.”

“Well if Viv’s lawyer recommended him, he must be the best. Maybe Viv’s lawyer can call this other guy and he can make an exception for Brian.”

Justin tilted his head and stared at Shane. “You know, that’s not such a bad idea. I’ll call Rena and ask her to call Viv. I know it would make Brian feel better; you know how he only likes the best. ”

Shane pulled out her cell. “I’ll call Rena. She’ll be happy to do it. What’s this lawyer’s name anyway?” She asked as she flipped the phone open and pressed ‘one’ for Rena’s cell. She thought how glad she was that Rena was now able to have her own cell phone.

“Adam Slatter.”

Shane dropped the phone, momentarily stunned. No, it couldn’t be! Not her Adam Slatter!

“Shane, what’s the matter?”

Shane looked up and tried to compose herself. “Um, nothing. I just remembered something I have to do. You call Rena. I have to run.” Shane needed to think. This was just too weird a coincidence.

Shane picked her cell up from the floor and turned to leave. Her heel skidded on the slick wooden floor and she fell flat on her face. Fuck! She hated dressing like a woman. Fucking shoes were for shit. She was only wearing a small wedge heel but it felt like she was walking on stilts!

“Shane! Are you alright!” Justin ran over to help her up.

Shane got to her feet. “I’m fine! Fucking shoes. How do women do this shit?” She should have gone home to change first. She came straight to the loft after work to talk to Justin, ironically enough, about one Mister Adam Slatter! Now that was out of the question.

“I really have to go, Justin. Let me know how things turn out,” Shane said and grabbed him for a quick hug.

Justin watched as Shane flew out of the loft, wondering what the fuck that was about. He shook his head. He couldn’t think about that now. He went over and picked up the kitchen phone and dialed.

“Hey Em, it’s me. I have a big favor to ask you.”

 

***

Shane leaned her head on the steering wheel of her car. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Now what was she going to do?

She’d seen Adam three times now. Three unfucking believable nights! That first night was amazing. They had such a good time. They ate Mexican food, and laughed and she spoke Spanish to the waiter, which impressed him. Dinner was so much fun she didn’t want it to end. They talked…about nothing really, and about everything.

After dinner, he took her dancing as he promised. Shane didn’t think he would do it. After all, Shane was a young boy as far as he was concerned. Yet there they were, dancing up a storm at this steamy Salsa club, getting more than one stare from some of the patrons, but neither gave a fuck. They got really drunk, and as he promised, he took her home afterwards. Well, back to the hotel actually. That’s where she had her car. He showed no interest in her sexually, but he did ask for her number. He said he never had such fun, and he’d like to hang out with “him” again.

Shane must have been drunk because she actually gave him her number! He walked her to the hotel lobby and gave her a hug. She wanted to kiss him so bad, but she held back.

He left her at the hotel. Shane watched him drive away and never felt so alone in her life. She doubted he would ever call her. When she got home and got undressed she found a thousand dollars in her coat pocket. She was shocked. She didn’t ask him for any money. He must have slipped it in her pocket when he hugged her. She smiled. He knew she wouldn’t have accepted it if he offered, and he probably thought she needed it. After all, as far as he knew, she was a young trick out on the streets just trying to make a living. The gesture was very touching.

Two days later, he called her. Shane’s heart skipped when she answered the phone. He asked her to go out again. Said this time they were eating Japanese, and then going to a movie. Seems he loved foreign films and there was an old Fellini picture playing in some run down theater downtown. She agreed. She wanted to see him again. She swore to herself that she would tell him she was a girl this time. But she never got the chance.

They went to this great Japanese restaurant, and ate Sushi. Shane never really liked Sushi, but Adam introduced her to some dishes that weren’t so bad. And she liked the Wasabi. Adam laughed at her each time she ate too much of it. She would turn red and gasp for air. They laughed a lot that night. They also drank a lot of Sake that night.

After dinner they sat in the balcony of the old theater and ate popcorn. They talked throughout the whole movie. She learned a lot about him. He told her about his first marriage and how he fucked that up. He joked that his current lover was more interested in his portfolio than his cock. She told him maybe if his cock were as big as his portfolio she’d be more interested. He feigned a hurt look and threw popcorn down her shirt.

Shane even told him some little truths about herself. It wasn’t hard really. He was easy to talk to. She told him about her mother selling her at six, and that she’d been tricking since she could remember, which was true, and it fit into her character.

She didn’t mind telling him about those things because he didn’t pity her or judge her. Actually, he treated her as an equal. His philosophy was that life sucked, and if you made it through it in one piece, consider yourself a winner. What you did, or who you did was immaterial. It was all just a matter of survival. She tended to agree with him.

When it was time for them to part, she hugged him, and this time, she put the thousand dollars back in his pocket.

Last night he called her again. He joked that some little fairy had put money in his pocket with the stipulation that he had to spend it on something completely frivolous and unnecessary. He asked her if “he” could help him out disposing of his newfound wealth. She agreed, not wanting to piss off any fairies. After all, they were all personal friends of hers, she told him. He picked her up at the hotel, which was their meeting point, and they drove four hours to Mohegan Sun casino. The best part of last night was the drive.

They left around seven. Shane had to rush home after work to get ready. Again, as she was binding her breasts, she swore to herself she would tell him she was a girl this time. Of course, that didn’t’ happen. The ride there was amazing. The hours sped by. They talked so easily with each other. They were getting to know every detail of each other’s lives, thoughts and feelings. It was so odd that he knew just about everything about her, except her gender.

They arrived around eleven. They had a late dinner then hit the casino. Adam liked the craps table. It was exciting. They won a shit load of money. They didn’t leave the casino until three in the morning and it was close to seven when he dropped her off at the hotel. Again, he hugged her good night. This morning she found five thousand dollars in her pocket.

She knew at this point it was just his way of giving them an excuse to keep seeing each other. She called into work and told Brian she was going to be a few hours late. He told her to take as much time as she needed. He knew she’d been going out a lot this week, and she suspected he knew, or rather believed, she was going out tricking. He didn’t say a word to her about it, but she was sure today he was going to speak to her about her little excursions.

But when she got to work Brian was in a mood. She kept out of his way. She had no idea of the shit he was going through.

She lifted her head from the steering wheel and stared at the road ahead. There was every possibility that Adam would become Brian’s lawyer. If that happened, then Shane’s true identity would be revealed. She had to tell him before it came to that. Fuck! Truth was, she didn’t want to tell Adam. She was afraid he would hate her for deceiving him all this time. She had plenty of opportunities to tell him. God she was fucked! He had confided in her things she was sure he didn’t confide to anyone else, and all the time, he was being deceived. She never felt closer to anyone, and she knew he felt close and comfortable with her. How could she tell him their relationship was based on lies?

Shane put the car in drive and headed home. She needed to talk to Rena. Rena would know what to do. She pulled out into the street when her cell phone rang.

She held her breath when she saw the incoming number. She answered the phone.

“Hey there, fancy face, guess what?”

Shane couldn’t help but smile at the nickname Adam given her. He told her that “he” had the most beautiful face he’d ever seen on a boy or a girl. So he started calling her fancy face. Shane liked it, especially when he said it when he was very drunk, and she could hear the hint of longing in his voice.

Guilt washed over her. She was confusing the shit out of him. She knew he was attracted to her, but his mind couldn’t wrap around it because he wasn’t gay. He was probably questioning his own sexuality. As if he didn’t have enough problems in his personal life. She couldn’t think about that now, it wouldn’t do any good anyway. Once the truth came out, he’d feel better about himself, but he would hate her. She wouldn’t blame him. She deserved it.

“You got a penile implant and now you have a ten inch cock?” she playfully guessed.

“Good guess! But don’t get excited. My portfolio is still bigger. And how do you know I don’t already have a ten inch cock?” he asked slyly.

Shane laughed and quipped, “Cause if you did, you wouldn’t be wasting your nights with me.”

“Spending my nights with you is never a waste of time, fancy face,” he said, a tad too serious. “But no, I’m calling because the unthinkable has happened,” he said in an exaggeratedly shocked voice.

“Uh oh. Don’t tell me, you lost a case!” Shane asked in mock shock

Adam made a strangled sound. “I said unthinkable, not impossible!”

Shane laughed. “Ok, I give. What happened?”

“I miraculously found two tickets, just lying on the street mind you, to Cirque Du Soliel. They are performing at the Bryce Jordan Center. The unthinkable part is that I can’t find a soul who wants to go with me. Can you imagine that? Is my company that unbearable?”

“Hey, be happy your girlfriend still fucks you.”

“Yeah, but only when I show her my portfolio. And it seems I’m going to need a bigger portfolio if she’s going to continue fucking me.”

Shane knew he wasn’t kidding either. Cathy, his girlfriend, and he had an “unspoken” arrangement. She went with him to all business functions, and on the occasional personal date. And she fucked him at least twice a month. He was a high-powered lawyer and knew a lot of influential people. She liked the contacts she made through him. She was a real estate agent and made a lot of money buying and selling homes through his connections. In return, she was his girlfriend, when he needed one.

“What happened? The housing market dry up?” Shane asked half teasingly.

“Something like that,” Adam said, and then quickly directed the conversation back to the matter at hand.

“So what do you say, fancy face? Will you save me from the embarrassment of going alone? You know how I love the circus.”

Shane smiled. During one of their conversations Adam spoke about his childhood. His mother had passed away when he was just seven. His nanny raised him.

One of his fondest memories of his mother was the time she took him to the circus. It was shortly before she died. He was totally in awe of the circus. He remembered every detail of that day. He could still recall the smell of straw under the big tent. After she died, no one ever took him again. Every time the circus came around he would beg his father to take him, but his father was always too busy. His father was a judge and a workaholic. His Nanny couldn’t take him either because she was allergic to most animals, which is why he never had a pet either. When he got older he made a point of always going to the circus when they were in town.

“Sure. Why not,” she said. “But you do realize there are no tents or elephants in Cirque Du Soliel.”

“I know, but there will be acrobats, and painted clowns. It will do until the real circus comes back around.”

“What time?” Shane asked.

She was desperate to see him again. It would most likely be the last time, and she was going to make the best of it. Whatever happened after that, at least she would have her memories.

Memories of Adam laughing,
Of Adam dancing,
Of Adam talking to her quietly in the car,
Of Adam dumping popcorn down her shirt in the balcony of the old run down theater,
Of Adam looking at her with desire when too intoxicated to hide his feelings.

Memories of Adam.

“Actually, fancy face, can you meet me at the hotel in an hour? The show starts at nine.”

“I’ll be there.”

They said their goodbyes and Shane rushed home to don her “Boy” outfit. She made it to the hotel in forty-five minutes. She parked her car in the back, where she always did. She came around out front to wait for Adam. She made sure to always be there before he was.

Adam arrived ten minutes later. Shane hopped in his Mercedes and reached over and turned the radio on to the rock and roll station.

Adam laughed. “One of these days I’m going to teach you to appreciate classical music.”

“And one of these days I’m going to fuck the Queen of England,” she said teasingly as Adam pulled into traffic.

They got to the Center just before nine. They parked the car and rushed to make it in on time. They came around to the front of the Center and were greeted by a ruckus of some kind. There was a crowd gathered in front of the building. It didn’t look like they were letting anyone in. A commotion stirred with in the crowd. Sirens could be heard in the distant. Then all of a sudden, a fight broke out.

Adam instinctively grabbed Shane’s hand and pulled her away from the scene. Things broke out into a riot very quickly. People were screaming, someone threw a trashcan at the building, and cars were being turned over. The violence escalated at that point. People were being trampled as they tried to flee the area.

“What the fuck happened?” Shane asked as Adam pulled her away from the panicked crowd and down a side street.

“I don’t know, but we need to get out of here, quick. It’s getting ugly real fast.” Adam turned the corner and ran down a back alley, dragging Shane with him.

They ran and ran until Adam felt they were far enough away. They found themselves down a dark narrow alley. Old, dusty buildings loomed in front and in back of them. They both leaned up against the old stones of one of the buildings and gasped for air. Small creatures skittered by their feet.

Adam looked over at Shane. She was breathing heavy. He looked into her eyes and desire hit him hard, and strong. He leaned over and brought his lips very close to hers.

Shane froze, meeting his stare. Her desire so strong, all reason left her body.

“I don’t care if you are a boy,” Adam said right before he leaned down and brought their lips together.

Shane moaned deeply and fell into him. She kissed him back fervently, and insistently, matching his desire.

Adam lost it. He had wanted to do this since he first met the beautiful boy. He stopped thinking about what it meant. He’d seen enough in his life to know that you didn’t turn away from this. It was too rare. Something inside him rebelled at the fact Shane was a boy, but another stronger part of him told him it didn’t matter. He was meant for him. This was going to be one fucked up relationship, but what about his life wasn’t fucked up? God her kiss was inflaming his desire.

Her kiss.

Her kiss….Adam’s eyes flew open. He felt it in HER kiss. Shane wasn’t a boy.

Shane felt his mood change instantly. She pulled away from him breathlessly and looked up into his eyes. “I’m...not...a boy…” she said between gasps.

Adam smiled widely. “I still don’t care.” He said before he recaptured her mouth for another soul rending kiss.

 

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