Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 32

 “Deep in my heart I'm concealing things that I'm longing to say. Scared to confess what I'm feeling - frightened you'll slip away.” ~ Evita


***

 

“The gender bending miscreant finds this amusing. I must be in hell,” Brian said to himself.

He threw his gym bag on the living room couch and headed for the bar. He pulled out the Jim Beam and poured himself a tall glass full of the brown liquid.

“I’m sorry, Boss, but I can’t believe you let him throw you out! Man, you must have it real bad for him,” Shane astutely observed.

Brian glared at her from over the rim of his glass.

Shane tried to wipe the mirth from her face but found it impossible. The whole situation was ludicrous! She’d been around him long enough to know Brian Kinney NEVER did anything unless he wanted to. He LET Justin throw him out. Oh he was furious, but it was HIS decision. She marveled at how much he was willing to give for Justin.

“So what happened?”

“I told him I had to fire you because I let you blow me under my desk. He took exception.” Brian shrugged and took another drink, smiling to himself behind the glass.

Shane let out a strangled sound. “You wouldn’t fucking dare! Why would you do that to me! Justin is the only fucking friend I have, even Rena doesn’t talk to me anymore. He didn’t believe you, did he?” Shane ranted.

She paced back and forth in front of the couch in her men’s underwear and wife beater Tee shirt. Brian took pleasure in turning the tables on her. Now he was the one amused.

“Of course he believed me. Why wouldn’t he? Remember he’s been out with you tricking. He knows how you operate,” Brian said with a smug look that was meant to remind her of their time in New York when Shane took Justin out and cornered him into getting a blowjob from some trick. He hadn’t forgotten about that. A little pay back was needed. Besides, Brian was feeling a bit rancorous at the moment.

Shane shot him a hurtful look. “You really are a bastard, aren’t you?”

Shane felt like she was punched in the stomach. This was Brian’s way of getting back at her for hooking Justin up with that trick in New York. He lied to Justin about her, and now Justin would hate her. Justin would NEVER forgive her, and he would never believe her over Brian. Brian knew how much she liked Justin. She had no friends other than Rena until Justin came along. She valued their friendship, very much. Now it was gone. All because of one fuck up in New York. Fucking Brian.

Brian took pity on her. “Stop freaking out. I didn’t tell him anything. Jesus, Shane, you are so fucking gullible.” Brian laughed sadistically.

Shane sputtered. She was so angry, and so relieved at the same time.

“You are a ruthless, heartless no good, cock sucking…”

“SHANE!” Rena’s reproachful voice filled the living room.

Brian looked up and saw Rena descending the long majestic staircase. And John was right behind her. Brian lowered his glass, stunned at this new development.

Rena entered the room wearing a peach colored silk robe looking very regale. John strolled in wearing a bulky white terry cloth bathrobe, looking quite ridiculous.

“You will NOT speak to Bean that way in THIS house!” Rena scolded Shane.

Shane fumed. “I’m sorry, Rena, you know I love you, but HE…” She stretched her right arm out and pointed at Brian behind her while she held Rena’s gaze, “Is an asshole!” She exclaimed forcefully. Rena could see how upset Shane was.

Rena sighed. She looked over at her brother. “What the fuck happened, Bean?”

Brian lowered his glass, his eyes glued on John. “YOU’RE FUCKING MY SISTER?!!!” His voice boomed throughout the room.

John stiffened. “Brian, this is not what it looks like.”

“So you’re NOT fucking my sister?” Brian countered narrowing his eyes.

“Ok, so maybe it is what it looks like, but there’s an explanation.” John tried to sooth Brian’s wrath. He never had to deal with a “big” protective brother before and he didn’t’ relish his first encounter being with Brian Kinney. He knew too well how lethal Brian could be when crossed.

“Brian!” Rena snapped not liking the course the conversation was taking.

Brian looked at her. When she used his given name, she meant business.

“Ok, Rena, let me get this straight. YOU’RE FUCKING MY FRIEND?” he yelled.

“Well, be happy it isn’t Michael!” she quipped sardonically. “Which by the way I should do, since you never gave him the satisfaction,” she scoffed.

“Bitch,” Brian spat.

“Shane, where were you when I interrupted? I believe it was at cock sucking… Please, continue.” Rena smiled too sweetly.

“Ok, enough!” John interrupted. “Brian, I’m not fucking your sister! It’s more, much more complicated than that.”

Brian was once again stunned. Jesus Christ! Tonight was full of unexpected turn of events, he thought. John and Rena? He knew there was an attraction there, but John just indicated he was serious about her. John hasn’t been serious about anyone since Charlotte’s death.

Brian poured himself another glass of Beam.

Shane huffed. “I’m going back to bed!” She turned to look at Brian. “We squared?” she asked, warily.

Shane understood Brian. She knew he would never let any wrong go unpunished. This little exchange of theirs was payback for New York. She put his precious boy in an awkward position. He just reminded her never to fuck with “his” again. She wondered what it was like to be loved like that. She would never know, she acknowledged to herself.

Brian smiled at her. “Yeah, we’re squared.”

Shane “got” him. It was one of the reasons why Brian liked her and why she was the perfect personal assistant.

Shane nodded her head and left the room. John went over to Brian.

“You going to offer me a drink?” he asked.

Brian glared at him, but pulled another glass down from over the bar and poured John a drink.

“Tread very carefully, my friend,” Brian warned as he stared John down.

John held his gaze. “There’s no way I could hurt her. I’d die first,” he stated definitely. Brian nodded and handed him the glass of whiskey. They both drank deep.

Rena walked over to the bar and hopped up on one of the stools. The bar was just off of the living room area. The floor to ceiling windows framed the back wall of the bar area. The rain had stopped and the clouds were parting, letting the stars shine through.

“So, now that we’re all friends again, tell me why you’re here.”

Brian made a rude sound. “Justin threw me out.”

John spit the whiskey out of his mouth and started choking. Rena went to him and rubbed his back. “Jesus, Bean, don’t fuck around,” she said. John regained his composure.

“I’m not fucking around. He fucking threw me out!” Brian repeated more forcefully.

Rena gave him an incredulous look. “How can that be? He would never do that!” She narrowed her eyes. “What the FUCK did you do!” She put her hands on her hips in a threatening manner.

Brian sighed. “Well, first I told him that I decided to fight to get my parental rights to Gus back.”

Rena frowned. She had been visiting Lindsey and Gus a lot since she met them. She loved her little nephew. She doted on him and was extravagant in her affection. She would visit them at least twice a week, always bringing gifts. Mel did not like it, so Rena resorted to visiting when she knew Mel wouldn’t be around. Lindsey liked Rena, and all the attention she was giving Gus. Lindsey saw Rena as another connection to Brian. Rena felt sorry for her. She was still in love with Brian. She knew it was hopeless, but one couldn’t help whom one loved. It was truly a sad situation. She was thrilled that Brian wanted his rights to Gus back she was shocked when she heard he signed them over to begin with, but she worried about how a bitter legal battle would affect Gus.

“Bean, did you tell Lindsey?” she asked and went to sit back on the stool.

“Yeah. She freaked. She’s going to put up a fight. She has to, Mel won’t stand for it.”

Rena cursed. “Fuck, Bean, you know this is going to get ugly. And you know it’s always the children who get hurt!” she threw at him.

“Do you fucking think I didn’t think of that?” he yelled at Rena.

“What the fuck is with you and Justin! Did you think I just selfishly woke up one morning and said, “Gee, I think I’d like my son back now!” Brian said, hurt evident in his voice.

“NO, of course not!” Rena soothed. She knew Brian must have thought about this long and hard. He wouldn’t be doing it if he didn’t feel that in the end, it was what was best for Gus.

“Re, I can’t let my son grow up thinking his father didn’t love him. No son should grow up thinking that,” he said quietly.

Rena’s chest tightened with emotion. “Well then, it’s settled. I’ll call Viv. She’s made literally dozens of lawyers very rich with all her divorces. They owe her; we’ll get the best. It will be fine. Lindsey and Mel love Gus. They won’t let this affect him,” Rena tried to reassure her brother.

“So is that why Justin threw you out? He doesn’t approve?” Rena asked confused. That didn’t sound like Justin. Justin loved Gus like he was his own. How could he not? He loved Brian completely, and Gus was part of Brian.

“No, that’s where it started. He told me not to do anything I’d regret.” He looked pointedly at Rena.

“Ahhh…” Rena said understanding. She and Brian both had a thing about regrets. They refused to acknowledge them. Not that they didn’t have any, they just didn’t acknowledge them.

“I said some hurtful things to him,” Brian confessed, looking at the bottom of his now empty whiskey glass.

“Bean… What did you say?” Rena narrowed her eyes.

“I accused him of being jealous of my time with Gus,” Brian admitted, flinching at his own memory of saying that. It was cruel.

“What the fuck! Are you insane?” Rena said frustrated. “Were you TRYING to get thrown out!?”

“Yeah, well it got worse from there.” He inhaled deeply. “As I was leaving, I threw Ethan up in his face.” Brian smirked bitterly and picked the bottle up from the bar and drank straight from it.

“Jesus, Brian, you broke the number one rule in any relationship! NEVER bring up a past affair! That’s relationship suicide! You sweep that shit under the rug and leave it there! Everyone knows that,” John informed him.

“See, this is WHY I don’t do relationships! I’ve no fucking clue what I’m supposed to say, what I’m not supposed to say! I HATE THIS. I just want to go back to just fucking him, can’t I just do that?” Brian said forlornly. Rena laughed, he looked so despondent.

John laughed and slapped him on the back. “Sorry, Bri, but it doesn’t work like that. Besides, you wouldn’t want to.”

Brian scowled.

“I better get dressed,” Rena said and hopped off the stool.

Brian made a face. “Where the fuck are you going?”

“To the loft of course, where else?” she said looking wide eyed and innocent.

“Why the fuck are you going there?” Brian asked.

“Bean, my God, you must know how he’s feeling right now!”

“He threw you out of YOUR loft! I know his name is on the lease, but we both know Justin has always, and will always think of the loft as yours.” Rena paused and tilted her head. “Oh, I see. That’s why you let him throw you out! You’re making a point.”

Brian’s face got pensive. “He needs to know he has the right,” he stated flatly and looked away.

“Well, I better get over there quick,” she said

“Why? He’s fine. Let him think about what he did.” Brian turned his eyes back to Rena.

“He threw you out, Bean,” Rena repeated seriously.

Brian sighed, exasperated. “Do you have to keep repeating it? With my luck it will be all over Liberty Avenue by dawn. Which, it almost is by the way.”

“You of all people should know how much courage that took,” Rena said.

Brian smiled widely. Yes it took a lot of courage, and Brian was very proud of Justin for taking a stand as he did. Justin often acted impulsively which got him in trouble on more than one occasion, but his impetuous behavior came from his guts, and he had guts of steel. When he reacted rashly, it was never cowardly. Justin always acted nobly. He was, as Andy foresaw, a Knight, a very brave and noble Knight…

“He’ll be fine, Rena, really. I respect what he did, but he also knows he’s going to pay for it. His taking a stand like that wouldn’t mean anything if he wasn’t willing to face the consequences. He has to face them. And he will, and he’ll get through it, and he’ll know that it’s ok to stand up to me, that I won’t abandon him,” Brian said meaningfully.

Rena screwed her face up. “I hate it when you’re so fucking smart, you know that?”

“Still, I’m going. He needs a friend. He needs his loving, understanding, sister-in-law,” Rena smiled impishly.

“Fine,” Brian relented. “Just don’t let on, ok? He’ll be devastated if he thinks I let him throw me out.”

“I won’t, but Justin is smart, and he knows you. After he gets past his hurt, he’s going to figure it out.”

“Yeah, probably, but by then, we’ll both be past this.”

Rena nodded. She walked over to John and kissed him tenderly.

“Will you be here when I get back?” she asked quietly.

John kissed her back, deeply. “As you wish.”

Brian turned his head and snorted. Some changes were just too nauseating.

 

***

Rena closed the loft door behind her and took her shoes off. She was wearing an old tee shirt and a pair of sweats. She quietly padded across the wooden floors of the loft. She didn’t want to wake Justin if he was sleeping.

As she neared the bedroom, she could see his prone figure lying on the bed, his back to her. When she got to the doorway, she could hear his quiet sobs. Fuck, it was almost five am and he was still up and crying.

Rena pulled the covers back and crawled into bed with him.

Justin jerked and turned around. His eyes wide. Rena flinched at the sight of him. He was very pale, his eyes red and puffy. By the look on his face she could tell he was expecting Brian. When he saw it was Rena, his face dropped, and fresh tears started falling.

She pulled him to her. “Shh…” she soothed him. “It’s ok, really, it’s ok, Justin.” She held him tight to her and gently rocked him.

Justin hiccupped, trying to compose himself. “No Rena, you don’t understand. It’s NOT OK!” he croaked out.

“Justin, calm down. Brian is at my house. He told me you threw him out and why. Good for you! He’ll get over it, believe me.”

Justin wiped his face with the back of his hand and sat up in bed. He looked at Rena pointedly.

“I’m not talking about me throwing him out. I know he’ll get over that. What he won’t get over is fucking Ethan!”

Rena sat up with him. “Ethan?” she asked. She couldn’t believe he wasn’t upset about throwing Brian out, but was upset over Brian’s remark about Ethan. She shook her head. Their relationship was a puzzle.

“Yes, Ethan!” Justin sobbed out. “He can’t forgive me for that, and he never will.” Justin sounded so hurt.

“Honey, Brian threw Ethan up in your face just to hurt you. You know how he gets. When he’s hurt, he strikes back, and no one knows how to hit his mark better than Brian. He knew that remark would upset you, and obviously he was right. Don’t let him win that way.”

Justin shook his head. “No, Rena, you’re wrong. Yes, I know he says mean, spiteful things that he doesn’t mean when he’s upset, but I saw the look in his eyes when he made that remark about Ethan. He’s still hurting over that, and I have no idea how I can fix it! I fucked up so badly Rena. I just don’t know how to fix it!” Justin started crying again.

Rena felt his pain. His heart was breaking and he was breaking her heart in the process. Fuck she hated this emotional shit. She was on overload tonight. First her encounter with John, which, she hadn’t even attempted to think about yet, to dealing with Justin’s emotional crisis. She loved Justin like a brother. In the very short time they’ve been friends, she’s grown very attached to him. There was an odd, yet comforting connection between them. He trusted her, and right now, he needed her support.

“Justin, even if you are right, it’s understandable. You’ve only been back together with Brian for a few months. The affair wasn’t that long ago. It’s perfectly normal for him to still feel some remnants of pain over it. Trust me, he will get past it. He loves you. And Brian doesn’t love lightly, you know this. Stop torturing yourself over this.”

Justin sighed deeply and laid his head against the bed headboard. “He’s right. I’m always looking at his faults, and excusing my own. He never lied to me. He never cheated on me. When we got together for the first time, I mean “really” together, we made these rules.” Justin looked over at Rena. “He never broke them. I did,” Justin said dismally.

Rena smiled. “Trust me, you did him a favor.”

Justin looked at her confused. “How is my lying, and cheating and breaking our own rules doing him a favor?” he asked incredulously.

Rena laughed. “Because by you fucking up once in a while makes you human! Brian has a hard time accepting that you actually chose him, that you love him. In his eyes you have more moral character, courage, and class then he’ll ever have. He thinks you’re too good for him. By fucking up once in a while, you show him that you are human with flaws. He doesn’t hate himself so much when you mess up. Maybe you should mess up more often.” She said and nudged his shoulder while winking at him.

Justin laughed. It was a good sound.

“You’re logic is amazing, Rena. I see now why you’re so revered in your field. Your psychiatric skills are remarkable!” Justin said a bit mockingly.

Rena laughed. “Yeah, well whatever gets them to put the razor blade down.”

“You are so fucking bad!” Justin shoved her shoulder with his, playfully.

They sat in bed silently for a moment. Each was exhausted. It had been a long emotional night for the both of them.

“So what are you going to do?” she asked him.

“I don’t know. First, I guess I’ll have to ask him to come back.”

“More like beg.” Rena laughed. “You know he’s not going to accept anything less.

Justin sighed. “I know. I was the one who threw him out,” he acknowledged.

“Yep.”

“That’s the easy part though. The hard part is going to deal with his resentment towards me. I don’t know if I can do that, Re. I love him so much, I can’t stand to know how much pain I’ve caused him. How much pain I’ve always caused him. Starting with the shit he had to deal with my parents, to feeling responsible for me getting bashed, to me cheating on him. It seems I’m always causing him pain.”

Rena could hear the defeat in his voice. Justin was extremely troubled over Brian’s words. Brian had no idea how his callous words affected Justin. He didn’t comprehend the anguish Justin felt over his bashing. How he blamed himself. Brian needed to know how Justin felt. She tried to tell Justin he needed to talk to Brian about the bashing. It was still the core of everything she believed.

“Justin, I told you before, you have to talk to Brian about the bashing. It’s tearing you apart. This incident with Ethan isn’t the real issue; it’s just a symptom of the real issue. Until you trust yourself, and Brian enough to deal with what happened, and how you each feel about it, any other issue that comes up will be exaggerated. Even your affair was rooted in your inability to talk about your feeling with Brian. I am surprised at you really. You are one of the bravest people I know; yet it scares you to death to bring up the bashing. Why?”

Justin sighed. “I don’t know. Maybe it’s because I can’t talk to him about something I don’t really remember. We can’t share our feelings if we don’t share the memory of what happened.” He said and looked at Rena. “I want you to hypnotize me.”

Rena stared at him. He was serious. “Ok, we’ll do it tomorrow if you want.” If there was a possibility that Justin could get his memory of that night back it would be a big step towards healing for the both of them.

Justin hugged her.

“Ok, let’s get some sleep. It’s been a pain in the ass night! And I have to get back home by at least noon today. John is waiting for me.”

Justin tilted his head and looked at her confused. “May I ask why is John waiting at your house?”

Rena smiled a seductive smile. “Well, it seems we’re entering into something, well, something more than just fucking. Let’s just say he needs my help.”

Justin had no clue what she was talking about, but he knew there was a deep attraction between the two of them. He wasn’t surprised they were involved.

Rena lay back down and pulled Justin down with her. “Remember Scarlet O’Hara in Gone With the Wind?”

Justin laughed and snuggled against her. “One of my favorite movies.”

“Well then, let’s take our cue from her.”

“We shan't think about that today. We'll think about that tomorrow. After all....tomorrow will be another day,” Rena said in her best Vivian Lee impression. Justin laughed.

They fell asleep holding onto each other.

 

***

Several hours later Brian dialed Rena’s cell phone.

“Yeah…” The groggy voice on the other end answered. Brian was glad she was finally comfortable answering her own phone.

“How is he?” Brian asked.

Rena lifted herself from the bed, her body protesting. She looked over at Justin, he was asleep. She slipped out of the room and headed towards the kitchen.

“You got trouble, Bean,” she whispered into the phone.

Brian sighed. “He’s still pissed I gather. Is he freaking out about throwing me out?”

“Fuck that. He isn’t even thinking about what he did. He knows you’ll get over it. You’ve got bigger problems,” Rena said trying to be as quiet as possible.

“What the fuck are you talking about?!” His voice was laden with concern.

“It’s complicated. But to sum it up, your parting remark about Ethan, did him in. He’s in serious guilt mode about everything now. About the shit that went down with his parents when you first met him, about the bashing, which by the way, you do know he blames himself for, about lying and cheating on you, and something about him breaking some rules you two had…” Rena paused when she heard Brian suck his breath in.

“Did he tell you all that?”

“Yes, he did. And I’m breaking confidence by telling you. Fuck, Brian, you’ve got to fix this! The kid is a mess! Plus, now he thinks you’re never going to get over his affair with Ethan. Nice job, Bro. If your goal was to make him secure in his place in your life, you failed miserably.” Rena knew her words were harsh, but she had to get through to Brian. Justin had been carrying around a lot of guilt for too long.

Brian was silent on the other end.

“Bean, what are you going to do?”

“I’ll take care of it. Do me a favor, Re, stay with him today. I need to do something. I’ll explain to John for you. Just don’t leave him, promise me.” Brian’s voice was insistent.

“I won’t, I promise. I’m sure he’ll feel better once he gets up. Bean, you know he’s very strong. I didn’t mean for it to sound so dire, I just wanted to make sure you understood the seriousness of the situation. He’s been dealing with a lot of shit alone for a long time. I can help him some, but you’re the only one who can really help him. He needs you.”

“I know. He’s much stronger than I am.” Brian’s voice was quiet. He was the one who couldn’t’ talk about the bashing, or any of their other problems. His motto was just to forget about it and move on. He should have known Justin wasn’t the type to forget and move on. It left to many unanswered questions for him, and when Justin had unanswered questions, he usually assumed the worse.

There were so many things they needed to deal with. Too much had been put off for too long. Well, it all couldn’t be dealt with at once, he realized. Their problems had to be dealt with in phases.

He knew where he needed to start. With Ethan. He had to put that one to rest. Justin was right in assuming it was still an issue for him. This one he couldn’t just forget about. And it wasn’t because he was hurt or jealous over Justin leaving him for Ethan; it was because of his role in the incident. They were both to blame for that situation, and both were now going to come to terms with it.

“I’ll call you later. I need to make some arrangements. It may take awhile.”

“No problem, I’ll stay with him as long as you need me to.” It was Saturday; he had the whole weekend to deal with this. She hoped it would be enough time for him. But knowing Brian, he’d move mountains overnight to help Justin.

“And Re, thanks.”

“For what?”

“For loving him.”

“How could I not? He’s part of you.”

Brian smiled into the phone. “Later,” he said and hung up.

Fuck. Brian looked down at the counter in Rena’s kitchen. He was drinking a cup of coffee with his usual eight spoons of sugar. No booze today, and today he surely could use it! He knew what he had to do and God he hated doing it, but it was the only thing he could do to put the matter to rest.

He got up and went over to the desk that sat at the far end of the kitchen. He pulled out the phone book that was stacked underneath some magazines.

He sat down and flipped through the pages. When he got to the number he was looking for he picked up the phone and dialed.

“Hello?” the person on the other end answered.

Brian took a deep breath. “Ethan, this is Brian Kinney. We need to talk.”
 

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