Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 31

“No blame should attach to telling the truth. But it does, it does.” - Anita Brookner


***

 

“Jesus fucking Christ, I’m coming already!” Shane mumbled as she clumsily stumbled out of bed to answer the door.

James was out at Babylon with Emmett and the boys. Shane looked over at her clock on the nightstand; it was one in the morning. Who the fuck could be at the door at this hour? Mindless of her near naked state, which consisted of a pair of men’s boxers and a wife beater shirt, she went to open the door.

Half way down the hall she bumped into Rena.

“You expecting visitors?” Rena asked cuttingly.

Shane flinched. It had been two weeks since Justin’s dinner party and Rena was still angry at Shane for telling Brian about Emilian’s phone call. It was the longest Rena had ever been upset with her. Shane was feeling the pressure.

She started working for Brian a week ago and was having a hard time adjusting. Not that Brian was a bad boss, in fact he was great, a great boss. Demanding, quick tempered, temperamental and a complete perfectionist. Shane appreciated all those qualities and liked the challenge of making Brian happy, which was a constant challenge! What she was having a hard time adjusting to was being a “girl” at the office. She now had her hair styled, and wore feminine pantsuit outfits to work. She drew the line at wearing a dress though! But it didn’t matter; she looked very much like a woman at work. And getting hit on everyday by straight men. THAT was the hardest thing for Shane to adjust to.

The one person she could talk to about her situation was Rena, and Rena was still giving her the cold shoulders. Shane didn’t know what to do about it.

“Do you want me to move out?” Shane turned on Rena. Inside, she was scared shitless that Rena would say yes, but she had to know. She couldn’t go on like this. Every day that went by that Rena was cold to her hurt. She loved Rena. Rena was her center.

Rena sighed. “Of course not,” she said. “I am still angry, though.”

Shane threw her hands up. “How many times do I have to explain how it slipped out? You should be angry with Brian; he TRICKED me. But NOOO. You could never be angry with your “Sainted” brother, could you?” Shane spat out, hurt and angry.

Rena’s eyes softened. Shane was right. She never could ever really get angry with Bean. He made the ultimate sacrifice for her and Andy. She knew he suffered every day for what he did and she prayed for his soul every night. He saved her and Andy’s soul from eternal damnation, and offered up his own. How does one ever repay that? How could she explain that to Shane? Shane wasn’t religious. She grew up on the streets where her religion was belief in finding the next trick to survive. Shane didn’t believe in God.

Rena knew in her heart that there was a God. It was her strong faith that helped her survive the brutal rape by her father. She knew her “true” father ruled in Heaven.

Their mother, Maria, instilled in her children her strong religious and spiritual beliefs, but she never imposed them on Brian. She felt that wasn’t her place. On Sundays, Brian’s mother Joan would take him and his sister Claire to her church, but all Brian learned there was what sin was. He never learned about God’s love. Brian wasn’t a stupid boy. At a very young age he knew he was “different” and he also knew his mother’s God disapproved of him being different. Consequently, Brian grew up with little faith.

This was not the case with Rena and Andy. Their mother taught them God was a loving God and an accepting God. She taught them tolerance. The one thing she felt strongly about though was the sanctity of life. She believed that all life was to be honored, and that suicide and murder were sins of the soul. Andy’s belief was stronger than Rena’s. Maybe it was because of his severe abuse and his tragic end. Whatever the reason, he believed with out a doubt that if he committed suicide, he was going to hell, yet he was willing to risk it to end his pain. If Brian hadn’t ended Andy’s suffering, she would have, but Brian wouldn’t let either of them risk that. Instead, he risked his own soul and did the unthinkable. No, how could she tell Shane? Or anyone? She owed Brian her life, her soul.

“Shane, I know you didn’t mean to hurt me, but you could have hurt Bean by telling him about Emilian. You don’t know what he did for Andy and me; you only know how he saved me after Andy died. What happened in that house…”

Rena let the sentence trail off and looked away. The person at the door wasn’t giving up; they resorted to ringing the bell and banging on the door

She shook her head to clear her thoughts. “We’ll talk about this later. Who ever is at the door is being awfully persistent.” Rena headed towards the door, Shane followed her.

She hit the intercom. James had installed a state of the art security system in the house. Whoever was outside could bang away all night and couldn’t gain entrance unless the person inside let them in.

“This had better be good; it’s the middle of the night.” she spoke into speaker.

“Ree…na, let..tt meee i..nn.” John’s voice crackled oddly.

Fuck. Rena let go of the button. She looked at Shane. Shane shrugged her shoulders.

“He sounds drunk. He’s been trying to talk to you for two weeks. He’s sent flowers, cards, called and came over several times. Each time you’ve avoided him. I’ll send him away if you want, but you know he’s not going to give up,” Shane said.

Rena sighed. Shane was right. She was just too embarrassed after breaking down at the loft like that. She was exposed in a way she didn’t want John to see. It was bad enough Mikey had to see it, but John was different. She liked him in a way she didn’t understand. Part of her just wanted him to go away, and another part of her was terrified that he would.

She turned and walked to the door. Putting her hand on the knob, she steadied her emotions before she opened the door.

 

***
 

John stood dripping, soaking wet in the doorway. It was raining outside and he had no umbrella. His hair was plastered to his head, his coat was drenched and his teeth were chattering Rena took in his appearance and pulled him inside.

“Are you fucking crazy?” she said as she started removing his coat.

“Shane, go get some towels and a robe,” she barked.

John was shivering uncontrollably. Stupid man would probably get phenomena. It was November for God sake! Cold November rain was not a good thing.

“I..wooouuu…ldn’t…bee…he..re…ifff… youuu…ret..tuurnneddd…an..yy..of…mmmyyy…mes…ss..ages…” John chattered.

Rena felt a tinge of guilt. A feeling that was very foreign to her.

Shane came back with an arm full of towels and a thick white terry cloth robe.

“Come on, strip,” Rena said.

John smiled seductively, which looked kind of funny since his teeth were still chattering as he did so.

He started to take his cloths off. Shane took that as her cue to leave.

Rena helped John remove his shirt. She handed him a towel and took one herself. John took his towel and vigorously rubbed his head to dry his hair while Rena dried his body off.

John stilled his motion to look down at Rena as she took care in drying off his chest and stomach. He watched as she went around him to dry his shoulders and back. Her touch was like fire on his skin. Suddenly, he felt very hot. The chill whisked from his body to be replaced by a sensual heat.

Rena came back around to his front and threw the towel aside to grab another dry one. She put her hands on his pants and started to unbutton them. She got his zipper halfway down when she noticed he wasn’t moving, hadn’t been moving for a few moments. She stilled her hands and looked up at him.

The look in his eyes stole her breath. He wanted her, and bad. Rena was almost afraid. Not of him, but of her own reaction to the passion in his eyes. She didn’t move, her hands were still on his zipper.

John reached down and placed his hands over hers and pressed them gently against his cock. She felt his hardness. He moaned.

He took her hands in his and pulled her up to him slowly. She stood and faced him, their eyes locked, their mouths inches from each other’s.

“Rena…” John croaked out. “I’m tired of punishing myself,” he said, as if she would understand that.

Rena looked at him confused. John lowered his head and let his cold lips brush against hers briefly before raising his head again.

“Aren’t you tired of punishing yourself?” he asked.

Rena blinked. What was he talking about? He didn’t know her. Why would he think she’s punishing herself? She pushed away from him.

“I think the cold has frozen your brain. You are talking nonsense. You know nothing about me.” She threw the robe at him, then turned her back to him.

John pulled his pants off and slipped into the robe, tying the belt around his waist. He reached for her and grabbed her wrist, turning her around to face him.

“I know that you and Brian share something so terrible neither will talk about it. I know you are a beautiful woman who keeps herself closed off emotionally. I know you’ve never allowed yourself to be loved by a man.”

Rena looked at him incredulously. “How could you possibly know that?”

John smiled. “I didn’t know, until just now.”

“OOOH!” Rena exclaimed and pushed against him. He didn’t let her go, his hand remained firmly wrapped around her wrist.

“I know because I closed myself off after Charlotte died. I blamed myself for not being able to save her. For the past five years I’ve been drinking and fucking myself through life. My brother has been trying for the longest time to get me to stop punishing myself, but I couldn’t. Not until I saw you.” John pulled her closer. “How long have you been punishing yourself?”

Rena stared at him. He asked questions she wouldn’t dare even ask herself.

“John, don’t. I can’t…” She said quietly.

John looked deep into her eyes. Past the confusion, past the denial, past the acceptance and right to where the pain lay. She was so filled with pain. It was all there in her eyes. How could the people around her not see it? His heart recognized it. He felt it down to his core. It was the pain of someone who suffered a loss so great they never recovered from it. She suffered many loses from the look in her eyes. More than any person should ever have in their life.

“Rena, you don’t have to tell me anything. Keep your demons at bay, keep your secrets. I understand. I just have one request of you. Just one. Grant me this one request and I promise you’ll never regret it.”

Rena’s pulse quickened. The way he was looking at her touched her deep in her soul. She knew he saw things she never wanted anyone to see. She tried to look away, but she couldn’t. All she could do was stare back, and “feel” him. She never experienced a feeling like this before in her life. It was intoxicating. She never wanted it to end. It was strange and wonderful and God, she wanted it to last forever. It felt comforting and unnerving at the same time. His hand on her wrist was like fire on her skin. The combination of the physical attraction and the emotional connection he pulled from her was lethal. She was afraid of what he would ask of her because at this moment, she would give him anything.

“What?” She asked breathlessly.

“Help me love you.”

 

***

Justin leaned over the catwalk and watched the hot men dancing below. He frowned.

“What did I tell you about frowning? You’re going to cause premature wrinkles,” Brian said as he came up behind him. He had two bottles of beer in his hands. Justin took one of them from him.

“I’m too young to worry about wrinkles.” He took a sip of the beer and turned his attention away from Brian.

They came to Babylon tonight with James, Emmett, Ted, Mikey and Ben. It was a much-needed night out. Brian had been extremely moody the past two weeks. After the incident at dinner, he was becoming increasingly impossible to live with.

Brian took Rena to the doctors last week and they were still waiting for her results. Justin thought that maybe that was the reason he was in such a foul mood, but then last night he went to see Lindsey and dropped a bomb on her. Lindsey called Justin crying, saying that Brian had said he was going to take Gus away from her. Justin knew she was exaggerating, but when Brian came home and he tried to talk to him about what happened, Brian snapped at him and told him to mind his own fucking business. Justin let it go. He suggested they go to Babylon tonight; maybe Brian needed to release some frustration.

Justin was glad he suggested it. Brian was feeling and acting more relaxed. Justin knew something was brewing inside of him, sooner or later Brian would tell him. For now though, Justin chose to just ignore him. One of Brian’s most endearing, and most irritating qualities was his occasional child like manner. Currently, he was acting like an ill-mannered child, and the best way to deal with bad behavior was to ignore it.

Brian didn’t like being ignored.

Brian sighed besides him. “Ok, Sunshine, I know I’m freaking you out.”

Justin slanted him a curious look. “Are you ready to tell me what’s going on?”

Brian looked out over the club. The lights were brilliant, the men were stunning, the music, intoxicating. God he loved it here. That would never change. Thank God. But some things were going to change. Some things, had to change.

“I’m making some changes.”

Justin stiffened. The tone in Brian’s voice was ominous. “I’m not going to like this, am I?”

Brian looked over at him. “Hey, you’re supposed to be the optimist, remember? I’m the cynic,” he said teasingly.

Justin turned his head to look at the dance floor again. He wasn’t feeling very optimistic at the moment.

“Let’s go home,” Brian said.

Justin downed his beer and followed Brian out of the club. They said their good nights to the gang and got in the Vet. It was cold and rainy. Justin felt like crying, but he didn’t know why.

Twenty minutes later they were back at the loft. Brian went to the refrigerator and took out a bottle of water. He walked to the living room window and looked out. Justin went to turn the lights on.

“Don’t,” Brian said.

Justin stood in the dark and watched Brian. He looked at his profile as he stared out the window. The light from the street washed over his chiseled features. Justin sucked his breath in. Brian was the most beautiful man he’d ever seen. Each time Justin looked at Brian it took his breath away. He had the kind of beauty that would never fade. It was timeless. Justin took in the sight of him. Never wanting to forget what his face looked like right now, in this moment, his face illuminated by the streetlight, strong, flawless, ageless…

“I told Lindsey I’m going to fight to get my parental rights to Gus back,” he said, suddenly jolting Justin.

Justin went over to him and sat on the ledge of the window, facing him. He looked up at him. “She’s going to fight you.”

Brian continued to stare out the window. “It doesn’t matter. It’s what I want.”

Justin flinched at the coldness in Brian’s voice. “Don’t do something you’ll regret later, Brian.”

It wasn’t like Brian to be so callous, especially when it came to Lindsey. Brian loved Lindsey. She was his son’s mother. Justin knew Brian regretted giving up his rights to Gus. Brian loved Gus more than anyone in the world; no one knew how much it hurt him to give him up. It wasn’t the fact that he wanted his rights back that surprised Justin, it was the manner in which he was approaching it.

“I don’t do regrets, Sunshine, remember?” Brian said bitingly.

Justin sighed, “If only that were true.”

Brian glared at him in the dark. “You might be right, at this moment I’m regretting a lot of things,” he said, his meaning not lost on Justin.

Brian was baiting him. Brian did this when extremely upset. He pushed Justin. It was one of those nasty habits Brian had a hard time letting go of. He used apathy like a weapon and wielded it unmercifully when in pain. Justin knew Brian too well to let him get away with his shit.

“Well let’s see. You regret not being there for Rena, you regret taking me to the prom. And now you regret not being a better father to Gus. Getting your parental rights back will not change any of that. …” Justin stopped, seeing the look on Brian’s face. He pushed a bit too far. He braced himself.

Brian brought his face down so that he was staring Justin in the eyes. His face was red with anger.

“Our RELATIONSHIP…” Brian drawled out the word relationship bitterly. “ Does NOT give you the right to JUDGE me. YOU ARE NOT my mother, my father, my shrink, my barber or my massage therapist! They judge me enough. YOU ARE JUST THE TRICK I SLEEP WITH,” Brian spat at him.

Justin didn’t flinch. His anger was starting to show its own ugly head.

“I HAVE NEVER JUDGED YOU!” he screamed at Brian. “Our RELATIONSHIP...” Justin mimicked Brian, using the same bitter tone, “Does not give you the right to MISJUDGE me or my words,” he said through gritted teeth.

“You KNOW, I have never, and would never judge you. Judging you would be the same as judging myself. I will, however, point out when you’re bullshitting yourself, or not being true to us. Now why don’t you tell me what’s really going on?” Justin fumed.

Brian pulled back and sneered at him. “I would think you would be more supportive of me having more rights to my son,” Brian accused scornfully. “Or maybe you’re jealous of my time with Gus.” Brian purposely threw that in purely for spite. He knew it was a mistake when he saw Justin’s face.

Justin’s jaw dropped open. He stood up from the window ledge and walked up to Brian. Eyes blazing, he screamed. “That’s it! I won’t listen to anymore of your shit. GET OUT!” He pointed to the door as he stared at Brian.

Brian looked shocked. He was shocked! Justin was throwing him out of his own loft! No, wait; it was their loft now. Justin’s name was on the lease. FUCK! Brian fumed. Justin was testing him. Fucking little twat was testing him!

“FINE!” Brian turned and went to the bedroom. He grabbed his gym bag and started throwing clothes in it. Cursing fervently the whole time.

“Ungrateful little fucking twat! I knew I should have left him standing under that fucking lamppost! Manipulative, arrogant, smug, UNFAITHFUL…” Brian threw that in for effect. He was muttering mostly to himself. Justin stood outside the bedroom, arms crossed, waiting for him to leave. He wasn’t about to stand down.

Brian finished packing and headed out the bedroom. He grabbed his coat and turned to Justin.

“Just remember, I NEVER THREW YOU OUT! God knows I should have!” he vented.

Justin glared at him. “I NEVER GAVE YOU REASON!” he retorted.

Brian smiled smugly at him. “No? How about lying and cheating? Or doesn’t that count? You should have brought Ethan back here and fucked him in our bed. At least that would have been more honest.” Brian aimed to hurt. He wanted to teach Justin a lesson.

Justin was quick to point out Brian’s flaws, but when it came to his own, he conveniently brushed them aside, excusing his faults as results of Brian’s behavior. It was time Justin realized, just as Brian was starting to realize, they each were responsible for their own shortcomings.

He was making changes in his life, starting with being a real father to Gus. Change did NOT come easy for Brian. He knew he shouldn’t have baited Justin tonight. He was feeling the sting of that now. No regrets, huh? How fucking laughable. Justin was right. His life was full of regrets.

Justin stared at him, tears forming in his eyes.

“Well then, I guess we’re both liars. You lied to me. You told me you forgave me. I see you haven’t and never will.” Justin turned and went into the bedroom. He threw himself on the bed and started to cry.

Brian’s heart clenched. He wanted to go to him. Instead, he turned and left the loft.

Brian got into the Vet and sped away. His heart was pounding. He fucked that up good. Fuck! How the fuck did that conversation go so wrong? He knew how, he vented his anger onto Justin. This time though, Justin threw it back in his face. His boy was growing up.

He made the decision to be a real father to Gus. Seeing how Rena had let Emilian control her from the grave was a wake up call for Brian. He was doing the same thing. Letting Jack control him. He kept his distance from his own son because he feared being like Jack. He was NOT like Jack. He never would be. Gus deserved to grow up knowing his father loved him. As it was, Gus only saw Brian on the occasional weekend. How would his son feel when he got older knowing his father gave up his rights to him? Much like Brian felt knowing his own father never wanted him. In the end, it wasn’t about the beatings Jack gave him, it was the rejection. And he had rejected his son. That he regretted. He was trying to tell Justin that, but he was too bitter at the whole situation and as usual, ended up taking it out on Justin.

FUCK FUCK FUCK! He turned the Vet towards Rena’s. Great. All of fucking Liberty Avenue will know that Brian Fucking Kinney’s twink threw him out of his own loft! Just fucking great!

Brian fumed as he pulled into Rena’s driveway. The fucking twat was going to pay for this!


 

***

Shane looked at her clock. Fucking three am! What the fuck was it tonight? Were all the crazy’s out? She rose from her bed, for the second time tonight, and went to answer the persistent banging on the front door.

She walked through the living room, noting the discarded clothing on the floor, and headed towards the front door. She pressed the intercom.

“Who the fuck is it now!” she screeched, wondering where the fuck Rena was, and what happened to John.

“Shane, open the fucking door!” Brian growled.

Shane quickly opened the door. Brian brushed past her and entered the house. He was carrying a gym bag. Shane shook her head. She must be dreaming.

“What the fuck are you doing here?”

Brian shot her a look that made Shane fear for her life. Literally! “That fucking twat threw me out.”

Shane blinked several times. Then it hit her. She threw back her head and laughed.

 

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