Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 28

“The beginning of knowledge is the discovery of something we do not understand.” ~ Frank Herbert

***
 

The afternoon sun danced off the brilliant colors on the canvas. Justin loved this room. The natural lighting was an artist's dream.

Rena made use of the most advanced architectural designs to maximize the massive amount of sunlight that filtered through the atrium. She had it constructed so that virtually anything could be grown in it.

So far the indoor garden housed dozens of Areca Palms, Ficus and Ivy, of course. Rena loved Ivy. Hedria, Japanese and Persian Ivy climbed the walls of the atrium. Justin had to take an allergy pill just to walk into the place. But he didn’t mind. The room was breathtaking.

Rena had set up a small art studio in the corner of the massive room, complete with all the tools an artist would need. His first reaction was to refuse such a gift, but the artist in him just couldn’t. She told him that he could repay the favor by painting her something she could put in the living room. It was currently lacking sophistication, as she put it. She wanted something to reflect her personality. Justin was up for the task.

Justin woke up this morning and felt like painting. Last night was amazing. Brian was amazing. They were amazing. He was inspired.

The minute he walked into the Atrium he started painting. His hand moved on its own accord creating images of inexorable passion. Justin was pouring his soul onto the canvas. He had no idea how long he’d been there, but he assumed it was a while; his hand was cramping. He frowned at the interruption. Fucking hand. It never let him forget he was damaged, or what had caused that damage. He reluctantly put the paintbrush down and started massaging his hand.

“Ah, your nemesis has reared its ugly head I see,” Rena said as she approached him carrying two cups. She handed one to Justin, it smelled like cinnamon tea.

“Mmm.” Justin closed his eyes and took in the calming scent of the tea. He took a sip.

“My nemesis?” he asked, not sure what Rena was referring to.

“Your hand.; I saw that look on your face. Does it happen often?” Rena asked.

Justin gave her an irritated look. “Often enough,” he said angrily.

Rena sat down on a stool near the canvas and took a sip of her own tea.

“Have you given any more thought to what we talked about, Justin?”

Justin curled his lip sarcastically at her. “No, have you?”

“Jesus, don’t snipe at me! I’m very much aware of my own problem. I’m dealing with it, just so you know, I called Dr. Weston, who works at Remington’s, and set up an appointment with him. I haven’t told Bean yet, but he should be pleased.”

Justin looked contrite. “I’m sorry, Rena. I didn’t mean to snap. Brian will be very happy to see you took the initiative. It’s just that I was so in the zone just now, and then my fucking hand has to start acting up. It kills my inspiration and I’m afraid it will kill my chances of being a serious artist one day.” He sighed and looked at his work.

“Pfft!” Rena made the childish offending noise. Justin smiled. Rena had this wonderful playful quality at times. Something he noticed in Brian as well. He was glad that Rena felt comfortable enough to act that way with him. He went to sit down next to her.

“You ARE a serious painter, Justin. Many famous artists work with disabilities. Your problem is, you don’t deal with your disability. Most of the cramping comes from your brain damage and part of that damage stems from your memory loss. You need to deal with that.”

“I’ve tried that, Rena. Brian tried to get me to remember. I remembered the moment right before I got bashed, I remember seeing the bat come towards my head, but I don’t remember anything that happened before that night.” Justin looked away, his face red with anger. “It’s not fucking fair! Daphne tells me it was the most romantic thing she’d ever seen, Brian, coming to my prom, and dancing with me.” He looked at Rena, tears shinning in his eyes. “I would gladly take another bat to my head to get that memory back,” he said passionately.

Rena’s heart ached for Justin’s loss. His pain was tangible. She leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

“Justin, don’t say things like that. It’s one memory; you and Brian will have many, many more,” she said hoping to reassure Justin..

Justin shook his head. “Not like that one, Rena.” He sighed dejectedly.

Rena studied him. Justin needed to talk to someone about this.

“Justin, why aren’t you seeing a therapist about this?”

He shrugged his shoulders. “Brian talked to someone. That’s when he tried to recreate the night, to try to trigger my memory. All I remember was the flash of that bat. My doctor said I probably wouldn’t remember anymore.”

Rena could sense there was more to it than that. “And...?”

Justin got up and went to stand in front of his painting. “And Brian doesn’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to upset him. If I started seeing a therapist, he would worry something was wrong. And of course, he would blame himself. It’s what he does you know.” Justin looked over at Rena, a knowing smile played on his lips.

“Yes, he does do that,” she admitted. “Justin, I have a suggestion, if you’re willing to try.”

Justin cocked his brow. “Will it land me in jail?”

Rena laughed. “What HAS Bean been telling you about me?”

Justin laughed with her. “Oh just that you had a penchant for getting into trouble.”

“Yeah, well I’m older and wiser now. I think.” She made a face. “Seriously though, have you considered being hypnotized?”

Justin looked at her questioningly. “No one ever suggested that before. Do you think it would work?” he asked, afraid to let hope sink in.

“I can’t make any promises, but I’ve used it many times, and very successfully, to help patients recall suppressed memories of childhood traumas.”

Justin’s eyes grew wide. “Rena, are you saying you could help me regain my memory from that night?” he asked expectantly.

“I’m saying that it’s worth a try, if you’re willing.”

“Hell, yes! I’ll try anything at this point!”

Rena smiled at him. “Just don’t get your hopes up too high. It might not work.”

“I won’t. So when can we do this?”

“Let’s wait. I want you to think about it first. You should never make any decisions hastily, Justin.”

“Hell, that’s how I live my life! On impulse.” Justin laughed.

“You should have seen the look on John’s face when I showed up unannounced at Remington Pharmaceuticals yesterday.”

Rena’s body stiffened. John. She couldn’t shake the guilt she was feeling over kissing him at the party. Worse, she couldn’t shake the lust she felt every time she thought of that kiss! She’d been kissed a lot in her time, but never had a reaction like that. God the man could kiss.

“You went to see John?” She was trying to keep her voice as nonchalant as possible.

Justin wasn’t fooled though. “I did, and I invited him to dinner on Monday night. By the way, you are expected to come, and Shane and James, of course. JAMES!” he yelled, as if just remembering. “Rena! Did you know about James!?”

Rena laughed at the look on Justin’s face. “Yes, I knew. I’ve tried for years to get James to open up about it. But he refused to acknowledge it. I didn’t push it. Something like that can’t be forced.”

“But I don’t understand, I thought he was in love with you. I mean, he truly worships you; he’s dedicated his life to you. I’d call that love.”

“It is. I don’t know how to explain this.” Rena paused and thought for a second. “I’m his Judy or Barbara, understand?” Rena asked Justin.

“Kind of, but it's more than that.”

“You have to realize that James comes from a culture where being gay was not acceptable. He has a military background. He was a covert undercover agent for a while. He comes from a very well established Russian family. He couldn’t possibly be gay. If known, it would be a stain on his family. I’ve never met anyone as traditional as James. You see how he acts. So instead, he channeled all those repressed feelings into me. For a time, I actually thought he just might be bi. But then I fucked him, and I knew.”

Justin was taking a sip of his tea when she made that little announcement. He choked and sputtered. “Jesus, Rena, you fucked James!?” The idea astonished him.

“Honey, I’ve fucked a lot of people.” She laughed.

Justin laughed along with her. “Is there anyone on your staff you haven’t fucked?”

“Well, there is the horticulture guy who’s doing the beautiful work in this atrium,” Rena smiled impishly.

“Well you should know that last night, James finally came out. He was at Babylon.”

“Ah, that’s why he sauntered in at five this morning looking very pleased. I knew Bean could do it.”

“You asked Brian to get James laid?”

“No, I wouldn’t do that! This was something James had to come to terms with on his own. What I meant is when James met Bean, he saw a man he respected, who was successful, intelligent and confident in his sexuality. Bean called him on it the first day they met in New York. He asked James what the fuck was he doing worshipping a woman he would never want in that way, and by the way would never have. James was shocked at Bean’s bluntness, but he didn’t refute it. After that they became close. I’m glad Bean was able to convince him to finally come out,” Rena said then made a face. “Wait, I’m not sure if I’m happy about this.”

“Afraid you’ll lose your number one fan?”

“Hell, yes! Do you know how addicting being worshipped can be?” Rena pouted.

Justin laughed. “No, but I’ll ask Brian. He gets a lot of worshiping from his many admirers. Must be a family trait.”

Rena waved her hand in queenly dismissal. “Oh well, I’ll just have to find another loyal admirer. There are so many to choose from,” she said playfully.

Justin laughed. “Well I better be going.” He put his cup down and bent to kiss Rena on the cheek goodbye.

“I left Brian a short note this morning when I got up, he was still sleeping. We had a very long night.” Justin stretched and yawned. Oh yes, it was a very long, hot night. “I didn’t intend to be gone this long.”

“Oh, no you don’t!” Rena said putting her cup down and pulling Justin down to the seat next to her. “Come on, give. I want to hear all the juicy details. What did you two do last night?” Rena asked, her eyes filled with mischief.

Justin laughed. “Rena! I don’t kiss and tell.” He said in his best “waspish” voice.

“Fuck that. Come on, dish!” Rena nagged.

“Let’s just say, we were, um, well, we shared a trick, ok, you happy now Re! And don’t you DARE tell Brian I told you!”

Rena slapped him playfully and shrieked. “Good for you! I mean, it was good for you, wasn’t it?” Rena asked, suddenly realizing that it might not have been good for Justin. She knew Bean liked to trick, much like she liked to fuck around, actually a hell of a lot more than she liked to, but Justin was different.

“Rena, it was my idea.” Justin blushed.

“Well, well, well. I’m impressed.”

“Why doesn’t that surprise me?” Anyway, I need to get back. I don’t want Brian freaking out thinking that I regretted it the morning after and took off.”

“Shit, you’re right. Knowing Bean he would jump to that conclusion,” Rena agreed. She got up to walk him out.

“I’ll see you guys on Monday then?” Justin said as he retrieved his coat and headed towards the door.

“Yep. We’ll be there. Oh, and Justin, think about what I said. If you want to be hypnotized or not,” Rena called out.

“I will, I promise. Bye,” Justin said and left the house.

It was cold out. Justin pulled the collar of his jacket up to ward off the chill. He got into his Audi and started it up. He was worried how Brian would react to the note he left him. Being impulsive more times than not got him into trouble. When he wrote that note he wasn’t thinking. He was so filled with emotion, he wanted to express it, to say something, but he didn’t’ know what. He just wrote the first thing that came to his mind. He prayed Brian didn’t take it the wrong way.
 

***

“Thank you.”

Brian read the note for the eighth time. What the fuck did he mean by that? “Thank you?” On the surface, it’s pretty cold. Something he would say as he pushed some trick out of his loft. Thanks for the fuck, later. But that wasn’t Justin.

Justin was hot last night. He wore that trick out, and almost wore him out as well. Brian enjoyed every minute of it. He loved seeing Justin having such a good time. They fucked every which way and then some. They sent that trick home very satisfied. And afterwards, they fucked until the sun came up. It was one of the hottest times they had together. Actually, it was “the” hottest time they ever had tricking together. And Brian knew why. It was because Justin had “wanted” it. Which made Brian painfully aware that the other times, Justin really didn’t want it.

Brian frowned. He didn’t like Justin “thanking” him. Brian wasn’t doing him a favor. The note was very polite. Justin pulled out his waspish upbringing when upset. He often dealt with uncomfortable or disturbing situations with extreme politeness. The last thing he wanted was Justin being polite with him.

Fuck it! He threw the note aside. Where the fuck was he anyway? He picked up the phone and dialed Justin’s cell.

“Hey!” Justin answered cheerfully. “You finally up? I mean, awake,” Justin said playfully into the phone.

“Where the fuck are you?” Brian answered.

Shit. Justin knew Brian would read all sorts of things into that note. Why did he have to leave it? He should have just waited till he could talk to Brian in person. Then Brian could see in his eyes what he was trying to tell him. But no, he once again gave into his impulsive nature. One day he swore he would learn to think before he acts.

“I am on my way home. I was at Rena’s.”

Fuck! Brian thought. If he went to Rena’s, it was because he needed someone to talk to. Justin felt comfortable talking to Rena about his feelings. He knew that Justin confided in her. Rena told him that he spoke to her about the bashing. Justin never talked about it; the fact that he told Rena spoke volumes to how much he trusted her counsel. And now, this morning, after they had shared a trick together, Justin was at her house. It wasn’t a good sign.

He sighed heavily into the phone.

“Bri?” Justin wasn’t sure if Brian was still there.

“Yeah.” Justin could hear the disappointment in his voice.

“Did you read my note?” Justin asked, knowing full well he did.

“Yeah, I read it. What am I supposed to say? You’re welcome?” Brian spat out caustically.

Justin flinched. “You’re not supposed to say anything, Brian,” Justin said softly into the phone as he turned onto their street.

“I just wanted to say Thank you.”

Brian made an irritated noise on the other end.

Justin pulled into a parking spot in front of their loft.

“Thank you for that look in your eyes when you see me in the throes of passion. Thank you for being the most considerate lover any man could ever ask for.” He put the car in park, and got out. “Thank you for making me feel like I’m the only one in the room, no matter where we are or what we’re doing,” he continued as he walked into their building.

“Thank you for taking me back after I messed up so badly.” He stepped into the elevator. “Thank you for letting me make that mistake, even though it hurt you to see me doing it.” Justin closed the gate with his free hand, the other hand held the cell to his ear. “Thank you for helping me overcome the many anxieties I had after the bashing. For making me feel whole again.” He waited impatiently for the elevator to get to their floor.

“Thank you for not pushing too hard when we first met, allowing me to keep coming back.” The elevator finally reached their floor. “Thank you for taking my virginity and making my first time an experience I shall always treasure. For making me feel like it was not only “ok” to be gay, but it was a special gift.” Justin said as he reached their door.

“Thank you for “choosing” me that night, under the lamppost, when there were so many other men you could have chosen from.”

Justin opened the loft door. He saw Brian standing in front of the bedroom entrance, his back to him, his head bowed, the phone held tightly to his ear. He didn’t hear Justin walk in. “Thank you for allowing yourself to love me,” he said and approached Brian.

“Brian?” Justin shut his cell and spoke to Brian.

Brian spun around, caught off guard by Justin’s presence.

“Now do you understand the note?” Justin asked, stopping a few feet from where Brian stood.

Brian threw the phone over towards the living room. He walked slowly towards Justin, his movement surreal. Justin looked into his eyes; they were dark, very dark, and glazed.

He reached out for Justin and crushed him to him. He held him tightly, all his emotions pouring out of his pores. Justin buried his face in Brian’s neck. He heard him wheeze a bit. He knew Brian was fighting some pretty strong emotions. Justin just let Brian hold him tight. He wrapped his arms around him and cried. They were both consumed with their emotions. It was the closest he ever felt to Brian.

“Justin…” He heard Brian call his name softly.

“Yes?” Justin whispered into his neck.

“Thank you.”

 

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