Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 25

“Make your world what you want it to be
Got a man I love desperately
Want to give him something better than me
Been told I can’t be nothing else
Just a hustler in spite of myself
I know I can rake it
In this life if I make it”

~ Pusher man


*****

“So, how long has this been going on?” Justin asked Brian. They were standing outside the men’s bathroom in Anton’s waiting for Rena and John to come out.

“As far as I know, they just met,” Brian answered, then sighed. He was looking around for a waitress. He needed another drink.

“I’m not talking about Rena and John; I’m talking about you and John,” Justin said, his eyes searching the café, to see what the gang was doing.

They were all at the table, talking. Probably complaining about how Brian had fucked up yet another family event. Justin wasn’t concerned though. James and Shane were there. They were loyal to Rena, which meant they were loyal to Brian. They would defend Brian. Especially knowing his son was in hearing range. And of course, Mikey always defended Brian. Justin had other, more serious concerns at the moment.

Brian looked over at him. He just explained to Justin that John was a friend, and a client. What the fuck was the kid talking about? He was aggravated and feeling sober. Both of which could be easily remedied with another shot of whiskey. He turned his head and scanned the bar.

“Fucking waitresses are never around when you need one. If this was a gay bar I wouldn’t have a problem getting a drink,” was his answer.

Justin gave him a sharp look. “Obviously. So are you going to tell me how long this has been going on with John?” he asked again.

Brian spun his head around to Justin, his eyes dark with anger. “What the fuck are you talking about?” he growled.

“I’m talking about your drinking buddy. Why would you keep your friendship with John a secret from your family; because he’s straight? No, Brian Kinney could give a shit what anyone thought of who he associates with.” Justin folded his arms across his chest and leaned into Brian so no one walking by could hear him.

“That man in there is in a lot of pain. He suffers from panic attacks, probably has a drinking problem, and from what little I just heard a lot of other problems. Ted told me that you left the office around two this afternoon. When did you two start drinking? You used to only drink after work when you’d go clubbing, and of course as means for pain management. Have your habits changed, Bri?”

Brian’s body went rigid, he averted his eyes.

Justin lowered his voice another notch. “Do you know what I think?”

“Sounds as if you’ve been thinking way too much lately; always a dangerous thing, Sunshine,” Brian drawled dangerously.

Justin ignored the warning in Brian’s tone. “I think you’ve been drinking a lot more than you let on. And worse you’re becoming immune to the booze. You’re very good at hiding it.”

Justin knew he was stepping into a landmine. But if they were truly serious about their relationship, and Brian meant what he said about wanting them to deal with their problems together, he’d have to start with his own.

“John seems like a decent guy, and I can tell you really like him. Yet you’ve kept him a secret from your family and me. It wouldn’t be the first time you’ve kept a drinking relationship a secret,” Justin said referring to Brian’s relationship with his father.

Brian had a ‘drinking’ relationship with his father that only Mikey knew about. Brian would visit his father periodically, give him money, and then they would sit and get drunk together. They each pretended to be someone else. His father pretended that he was a good dad, and Brian pretended he was a good “straight” son. A legacy like that was hard to overcome. Now it seemed that Brian had a similar relationship with his friend John. He wondered though, what was he pretending to be with John? Happy?

Brian laughed low in the back of his throat at the reference to his father. The sound was unmistakably cynical.

Justin felt a pang of guilt, but he wasn’t going to let it go. He knew with every ounce of his being that his life would forever be entwined with Brian’s. He would not stand idly by and watch the man he loved go down the path of destruction that Brian was so determined to go down.

“It’s apparent that your friend John shares the same penchant for drinking as you have and up until now, no one knew of your relationship with him. You know what my SAT scores were Brian. I’m pretty good at adding things up. So I’ll ask you again, how long has this been going on?”

Justin kept his voice low, yet his words reverberated like a sonic boom in Brian’s head.

Brian just stared at him. Rage written all over his face. He wanted to scream at Justin. To tell him to go to hell. But he couldn’t. Justin was right, and Brian didn’t even realize it until Justin just now put it into words.

When Jack died, Brian had finally rid himself of the guilt and shame of that relationship. He came clean with his father before his death about being gay; he even introduced his father to his son. There was closure there. But the truth was, it was easier when they were drinking pals.

Brian’s friendship with John did not start out as “drinking” buddies. They hit it off because they shared similar personalities. They just clicked. The drinking relationship started when Justin left him for Ethan. Brian went out drinking every night during that time; Mikey was there for him, as always. That wasn’t unusual for Brian. He was always a heavy drinker. But a controlled drinker. He never let it interfere with business.

But then John and he started working together during those days on the new campaign. They were under a lot of stress. John was driven, and fielding some dark demons of his own. It started out innocently enough with one or two martinis at lunch. Then during breaks they would celebrate with a shot of whiskey, or bourbon. Soon it escalated to hanging out after work for happy hour. Afterwards, Brian would meet up with Mikey at Babylon for some serious drinking, drugging and fucking. He was eating less, and drinking more.

He never told Mikey or anyone about his friendship with John because in truth, as Justin so astutely surmised, he didn’t want anyone to know how deep he was into drowning his sorrows. John was fighting his grief over losing Charlotte; Brian was dealing with losing Justin, which compounded all those old feelings about losing Andy and Rena. He let himself get sucked into this hazy world where he needed the booze just to function in his day-to-day life.

He couldn’t count how many times he was drunk around a client and they never even knew. In truth, he never even considered himself drunk during those times. He didn’t associate that “numb” feeling with being drunk. But it was. He didn’t need to be Ted or Blake to understand it was a problem. He was not however ready to let Justin bring it to the surface. He had to be strong for Rena right now. And for Justin. He didn’t need Justin worrying about him. They had just gotten back together and Brian had already thrown a whole load of shit at him. He had enough on his plate. He’d deal with his problem as he always had. Alone, and in private.

“Save your fucking AA line of shit for Ted. I have been drinking heavily for years, you know this. Just because I went out drinking with John doesn’t mean I’ve turned into some fucking closet alcoholic!” he snapped at Justin.

Justin made a face at him. “Bullshit,” he said.

Brian snorted. “We are not talking about this,” he said quietly.

Justin knew he hit a nerve. His suspicious were right on. He’d let it go for now. They had enough to deal with. Brian still hadn’t gotten his bearings straight from having his sister back in his life again. And it would only get worse when the truth came out about Rena’s rape. Justin needed Brian to get a grip on this soon, before that revelation came to pass. If Brian was at the edge now, which was a place Brian often flirted with, learning about what happened to Rena would most likely push him over and Justin wasn’t sure if he could pull him back from that fall.

For now though, he’d let it go. Rena hadn’t even seen a doctor yet. He knew she would delay the inevitable until she was forced to tell him. The important thing was Brian knew now that Justin knew. And they would deal with this at some point soon, together.

Justin turned back to look at the table. Things seemed to quiet down there. They were chatting and laughing. Thank God for small favors.

Justin’s brow furrowed. He wondered what Rena was talking to John about. He had a feeling John was going to be another new addition to their little family. Brian made it clear he considered John a friend, which meant Justin would accept him as such. Justin worried, though, that their friendship was a toxic one, for both of them.

Brian finally managed to hail a waitress over.

“Yes, Sir, what can I get you?” the pretty little brunette asked.

“Double shot of Beam.”

The waitress turned to Justin. “Anything for you, Sir.’

Justin smiled at her. “No, thank you.” She turned to leave.

Brian watched her take two steps away before he stopped her. “Wait,” he called out. She turned around. “Change that to bottled water, please. Perrier if you have it.”

She nodded and left to get his order. Brian gave Justin a scathing look, daring him to say something. Justin was many things, but stupid wasn’t one of them. He held his tongue for once.
 

*****

 

My ego is bruised,” Rena said as she walked over to the sink where John was standing and hitched herself up to sit on its edge.

“It’s not every day I meet a man whose first reaction is to throw up at the sight of me.” She leaned back on the sink and smiled at John.

John mentally shook himself out of his stupor. The effects of the booze were still heavy in him. He was a reasonable man, he reminded himself. His reaction to this woman was simply lust, combined with a heavy dose of alcohol and pot. That’s all. The pot was probably laced with some shit. Yes, that was it. Fucking Brian got a hold of some bad weed. That’s why he reacted the way he did to her. Looking at her now, he couldn’t blame himself. She was beautiful. Stunning green eyes that were currently lit with merriment. From head to toe she exuded a sensuality that was intoxicating. Add that to the booze, and well, that’s what they call chemistry. And right now, there was a lot of chemistry happening between the two of them.

John forced a smile on his face. “I’m sorry, it’s not you. I’ve had a little too much tonight,” he said as an excuse. He leaned back against the vanity.

Rena tilted her head and looked at him. “I’m surprised you can’t hold your liquor better, being a friend of Brian’s; I’d think that would be a requirement.”

John laughed. “Not many people can keep up with your brother. The man has the constitution of a bull.”

“He’s bullheaded, I’ll give you that,” Rena quipped.

“I’ve noticed,” John agreed.

“So, he told me you own a pharmaceutical company?”

“Yes, currently were working a new class of anti-HIV drugs.”

“Who’s heading your research department?”

“Mark Weston.”

Rena whistled low in appreciation. “Wow, I’m impressed.”

John looked at her surprised. “You know Dr. Weston?”

“Yes, actually. I met him in Switzerland at a seminar I was giving on Mendel’s theories.”

“Mendel, the father of modern genetics?”

Now it was Rena’s turn to be surprised. “Good looking and smart too.” She gave him a sexy smile.

John’s stomach lurched at her smile. Shit, she was dangerous.

Rena saw his face turn white again. “Jesus, John, my ego is really taking a beating here. Are you going to throw up again?” she asked concerned.

John swallowed hard. “No, I’m fine. Really, I just need some air.” He pushed himself away from the vanity.

Rena jumped down from the sink. Her heel slipped on the tile floor causing her ankle to twist. John reached out and grabbed her before she fell.

Rena leaned into him and pulled her leg up to rub her ankle.

Fuck!” she said assessing the damage to her ankle.

John felt the warmth of her body against his. His heart quickened. Blood rushed to head, both heads actually.

Rena felt him harden against her. She looked up at him and smiled. “At least there’s one part of you that isn’t throwing up over me,” she said then pressed back against him as she released her ankle. “Well, not yet anyway,” she added seductively.

John’s eyes grew dark. Lust consumed his body. He leaned down and kissed her, hard.

Rena was taken back by the sudden assault, but not unprepared. She kissed him back heatedly. She moaned deeply in the back of her throat.

There were kisses, then there were ‘kisses’, and this kiss fell into that second category. It went right through her. She felt it literally in her toes. It consumed her. The kiss was intoxicating, passionate and, and, and… She couldn’t put a name to it. There was something there, something she couldn’t identify. Something familiar, like…home.

John ravished her mouth. He couldn’t get enough. It had been so long since his body felt this alive. It was as if he was waking up from a very long sleep. His senses came alive. Little electric shocks caressed his skin where it touched hers. He took in the scent of her, the feel of her. He melted every time he heard a little moan escape her. Her breath against his was like fire in his soul. He pressed himself harder against her, telling her of his desire. She responded to him, she molded herself into him. They fit perfectly, John wanted to take her right there in the men’s bathroom, but somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he shouldn’t, he couldn’t…there was a reason why he couldn’t…Not today, Fuck, NOT TODAY!

John pulled away from her so abruptly Rena fell back against the sink and let out a shocked screech. The sudden rejection was so unexpected; it left her breathless, and confused.

She looked at him, he was breathing heavy, his body shook a bit, but his eyes, oh God, his eyes were tortured. What the fuck had just happened, she wondered.

“I’m sorry,” John said as he reached out and stroked her cheek. “I’m so sorry.” He turned and quickly left the bathroom.

Rena stood there, leaning against the sink and tried to catch her breath. Her mind reeled at what just happened. She touched her lips; they burned still from his kiss. The look in his eyes flashed in her mind. She had seen that look before. Regret, deep regret and guilt. Her heart sank. Why would she cause such a reaction in him?

 

*****
 

Brian was sipping his fucking Perrier when the door suddenly opened and John came rushing out. He saw the look on John’s face as he ran towards the café’s exit. He dropped the Perrier and charged into the bathroom. Justin followed behind him.

“What the fuck happened?” He went to Rena who was leaning against the sink, favoring her ankle. Brian’s eyes grew dark. “I’ll fucking kill him!” he yelled.

Rena looked at him, shocked. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“What did he do to you?” Brian bent down and took Rena’s ankle into his hands to examine it.

Justin went over to Rena to help steady her. “Are you alright?” he asked gently.

“I’m fine! I slipped, that’s all. John didn’t do anything, Bean. Stop being such a fucking drama queen. Oh, wait, sorry, you can’t help it. It’s in your DNA.”

Brian looked up at her and scowled. Justin tried to hide his laugh, but couldn’t.

Something definitely happened. Rena used humor when she was upset. Brian recognized the ploy, and called her on it. “What happened?” he asked again, his tone demanding.

Rena sighed. “How the fuck should I know? One minute we were kissing, and the next he was freaking out, as if he just shot a puppy or something.” Rena threw her hands up for effect.

Justin put his arms around her shoulders. “It’s not you, Rena.” Brian shot him a look. Justin shot one back that said, ‘tell her’.

Brian sighed. “Today was not a good day for him to be kissing another woman, Re. It’s the fifth anniversary of his wife’s death,” he said and stood up to face her.

Rena’s mouth dropped open. “You’re shitting me, right?” she asked knowing he would never kid about a thing like that. Brian just gave her a look. She lowered her eyes. “Fuck,” she whispered.

Brian pulled her in for a hug. “Forget about it. Don’t think about it.”

Justin rubbed Rena’s back. Yes, he thought. Don’t think about it. Typical Kinney solution. It never worked for him though. And it wasn’t going to work for Rena either.

“Party’s over,” she whispered into Brian’s shoulder.

“Yeah. Party’s over,” he agreed.
 

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