Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 24

“Everything human is pathetic. The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven.” ~ Mark Twain


*****

 

“You’re unfuckingbelievable,” John Remington rasped out, sweat pouring down the side of his face.

Brian, bent over, racquet in hand, waited for the volley. He looked sideways at John and smiled.

“You have no idea how weird that sounds coming from you,” he said laughing, a bit out of breath himself.

John gave him a quizzical look, and then slammed the ball against the wall, causing Brian to sprint to the left to return the volley. John was in position to hit it back to Brian.

“I’m used to hearing those words from a well satisfied trick after I’ve fucked him into tomorrow and not from a sweaty straight guy trying to beat me at racquetball.”

Brian managed to spit out as he swung hard and hit the ball back to John.

John laughed so hard he missed the volley. “Asshole” he said, laughing, then went to sit down against the small court’s padded wall. Brian joined him and slid down the wall beside him. They picked up their waters and drank deep. Brian poured some over his head.

They had a good workout today. Brian was glad for the exercise. It helped him to de-stress big time. Plus he liked spending time with John. John had an easy quick wit just like Brian. There was no bullshit about him. He also went through some serious shit in his life that Brian could relate to.

“You never ceased to amaze me, Brian. Seriously, we’ve been friends for how long now?”

Brian shook the water from his head, splashing John in the process.

“Like I fucking keep track?” he answered and made a face.

John shook his head. “I thought I knew just about everything about you. Now I find out you had this whole other family while you lived in New York.”

Though few knew it, John and Brian had become very close friends. Each was very private, yet they confided things in each other that neither discussed with anyone else. John knew about Brian’s abusive father and his time in New York when he was fifteen, how close he came to killing himself. He also knew how hurt Brian was when Justin left. The only other person who knew that was his best friend Michael.

Brian liked to keep his relationship with John private. John understood. Each had too many other people in their lives that just wouldn’t understand the close friendship they shared. John knew that Brian didn’t trust straight people. John couldn’t blame him. His own brother was gay; he knew how difficult it could be for him.

Add to that Brian’s general distrust of anyone, straight or gay, it was amazing he was able to make any new friends at his age. As far as John knew, other than Mikey, and Lindsey, who he had known since college, Brian wasn’t close to anyone. He had friends, like Ted and Emmett, but he never let them know the man behind the legend. Mikey knew the man, John knew the man and John suspected, Justin knew the man best of all. John appreciated how special their friendship was. He was honored that Brian had trusted him enough to befriend him.

“Yeah, well, Justin didn’t even know.” Brian sounded weary. He took another drink of from his bottled water.

“Wait, are you telling me Mikey knew and you never told Justin?” John asked a bit surprised.

Though Brian never told John that he loved Justin, actually, he never talked much about Justin at all, he knew Brian well enough to know his friend was very much in love with Justin. John knew love when he saw it, having been very much in love himself. Though it only lasted a short time; too short…

Brian laughed. “Yeah, I know. Don’t start. It was hard enough telling Justin. You have to understand, at first, I couldn’t tell anyone, but then time went by, and well, she stopped writing, and I didn’t want to talk about it. It was just too…” Brian paused. “Difficult,” he finished.

John nodded his head, understanding. “Fair enough. So tell me, what are these seizures like?” John asked.

Brian filled him in on Rena’s situation. John couldn’t wait to meet his sister. He marveled at the strength both Brian and his sister had, surviving an ordeal like that. But survival came at a cost, as John knew all too well. Brian suffered still from his past, burying himself in sex, drugs and booze. John himself had issues. Since Charlotte died five years ago, John was unable to form any emotional attachments. He also drank a bit too much, and fucked around WAY too much, another thing he and Brian had in common.

“Actually, Justin could probably tell you better. He saw her in the midst of one, I was only told about it afterwards.”

“What? Wait!” John sat up straight and faced Brian. “When the fuck did Justin see her have a seizure?!” he asked totally throw off guard by this new bit of information.

Brian smirked. “He left the fiddler.”

John shook his head and laughed heartily. “You sooo FUCKING owe me!” He playfully pushed Brian over.

“Fuck you,” Brian said between bouts of laughter as he fell to his side.

“No, fuck you! I told you he wouldn’t stay with the fiddler. Fuck Brian, you are so blind sometimes. I’ve never even met Justin and “I” know he’s fucking crazy about you. Hell, he’d have to be crazy period to put up with your shit!” John teased.

“Yeah, well you’re right there. Fuck, John, I’m telling you, I can’t get rid of the kid.” Brian smiled and sat back up.

John looked askew at him. “Right, keep telling yourself that Kinney. You know he’d never come back if he felt you truly didn’t want him to. You’re so fucking hooked on him it’s pathetic.” John gave Brian this ‘I’m so not buying your bullshit’ look and took another drink of water.

Brian gave him an offended look. “I don’t do “hooked” or any other kind of lesbianic emotion, John.”

John laughed. “I’m glad you two are back together. So when am I going to meet the man who stole the legend’s heart?”

“Keep it up, John, and I’ll NEVER let you win at racquetball,” Brian warned.

“You never let me win now, which is bad business by the way. I’m the client, aren’t you suppose to let me win once in a while?” John asked with mock seriousness.

“I don’t do ego stroking, John. Only cock stroking.” Brian said and pushed John over laughing then got up to grab his racquet. “Come on, old man, how about another match?”

“Can’t, I have to go home and stroke my own ego, since my pal won’t,” John quipped.

“Fine, I understand. Arm giving out huh? I mean, at your age…”

“I wouldn’t be talking about age, Kinney,” John interrupted him. “You’re only a few years behind me! And if you’re so good at cock stroking, your boyfriend wouldn’t have left you for that fiddler to begin with!” John said and ducked away laughing.

Brian put his hand to his chest, dropped his jaw, and forced a contrived hurt look over his features.

“You can insult my game, insult my work, and insult my cloths, hell you can even insult my stunning good looks, but NEVER insult my cock stroking abilities!” Brian lamented.

John went to him and put his arm around Brian’s shoulder. “I’m sure your cock stroking talents are every bit as good as your business talents, not to mention your bullshitting talent,” he said mockingly.

Brian snorted and pushed him away. “Come on, old man, let’s go. I’ll buy you a drink.”

John sighed. “I thought you’d never asked. Fucking racquetball kills me,” he admitted.

“Then why do you play?” Brian asked.

“Because it’s just one more thing on my list I’m hoping will bring about my quick end. I figure between this, smoking, drinking and fucking every fuckable piece of ass this side of Xanadu, I can’t last much longer,” John said, a little too serious for Brian’s liking.

They gathered up their equipment silently and headed out the gym. Brian stole a worried glance at John. It’s been awhile since his wife Charlotte died. Brian knew John hasn’t even begun to grieve his loss. That would mean admitting he had a loss. And that was something Brian understood all too well.

“Listen, Emmett is throwing this welcome home party for Rena at Anton’s. I want you to come. It’s time you met Justin and the rest of the gang. Besides, you need to meet Rena and talk to her. She’s traveled a lot, and knows a lot of doctors. You two might know some of the same people. Together, you can come up with a few names for her to check out.”

“Sure, I’ve got no plans tonight.” John said sadly. He stopped and looked at Brian, his eyes unemotional. “Today is the fifth anniversary of Charlotte’s death,” he confessed reluctantly.

Fuck! Brian thought. He went to John and gave him a quick hug.

“Well, then, that cinches it. We simply can’t go to this thing sober.” Brian sighed dramatically. “Let’s go get comfortably numb, shall we?”

John smiled, emotion quickly flashed in his eyes. It was at times like this, he was grateful for Brian Kinney’s friendship.

They made plans to meet up at The Brick Wall, a bar downtown from Brian’s building in an hour.

Brian got in his Corvette and headed for the loft. It was only two in the afternoon. He left work early to meet John at the gym. Justin wouldn’t be home at least six. He was working on a project at school. He had time to go home, change, meet John for a few drinks then meet up with Justin at Anton’s at seven for Emmett’s party. He took his razor out and dialed Rena.

“Hello,” Shane answered. Why the fuck didn’t Rena ever answer a phone? Brian made a mental note to ask her about that. There was so much they needed to talk about.

“Shane, put Rena on,” he said. Shane didn’t reply, just handed the phone to Rena.

“What’s up, Bean?”

“I’m bringing a friend of mine to the party tonight. John Remington. He’s a client, and has access to some of the best doctors in the world, Rena. So BE nice to him, ok?” Brian demanded more than asked.

“That depends on how hot he is, Bean. I haven’t gotten laid in awhile. And Shane’s giving me the cold shoulder. I’ll be real nice if he’s real hot.”

“I’m being serious, Rena!” Brian bit out.

“And I’m not?” Rena laughed. Though she was being just a bit fractious.

Brian sighed heavily into the phone. “Re, I’m asking you to be nice to him.”

Rena heard him, loud and clear. “Ok, Bean. No problem. See you at seven?”

“Yeah.”

“K, later.”

“Later.”

Brian parked the car and went up to the loft. Five years, he thought. He didn’t know how John survived. He couldn’t even think how he would survive if something happened to Justin…

God he really needed that drink.

 

*****
 

“He’s ruining everything! As if I’m surprised!” Emmett whined.

Shane laughed and took another swig of her beer.

Justin tried calling Brian again. It was past eight and he was nowhere to be found and he wasn’t answering his phone. Justin was starting to get worried.

“He’ll be here, Em, don’t worry. You know Brian. He prides himself on being fashionably late,” Rena assured him as she rocked Gus on her knee.

“Well that’s true. Brian’s obsession with fashion is rivaled only by his obsession with sex!” Ted said attempting to defend his boss’s tardiness, and then looked at Justin embarrassingly for his careless remark. He knew they had just gotten back together, and it was Brian’s excessive promiscuity that broke them up to begin with.

Justin sighed heavily. He smiled at Ted, letting him know he wasn’t offended by his remark. He was right after all, Justin couldn’t fault him.

Justin didn’t understand why Brian would pull this now. They were really starting to communicate the past few days. If he was going to be late, he should have called Justin. He bought him the fucking cell phone for exactly this kind of situation! Justin was beyond frustrated.

It was a good thing Justin was there to play host and make all the introductions. Something Brian should have done, he angrily acknowledged. It really went well though. Rena was great on her own. She knew how to handle people. The more time Justin spent with her, the more he admired her people skills. She was truly a master at it. She had a way of making you feel comfortable, and safe.

Emmett of course loved her. She was very affectionate, and funny. Ted was a little in awe of her, and Vic adored her on sight! Rena took to them all, but it was Gus who held her attention. She gushed over Brian’s son shamelessly. Mel was actually getting a little annoyed at it. She monopolized Gus the minute she saw him. Justin knew that Rena saw Gus as “just” Brian’s son, and the closest she would ever get to having one of her own. But Mel didn’t understand that. And Lindsey was still in love with Brian so it didn’t matter to her. She would do anything to please his sister. Rena had Gus in her arms for the past hour, and didn’t look like she was anywhere near ready to give him up.

Justin had to introduce James and Shane to the gang as well. James was polite, and reserved. He sat with Vic and talked quietly to him. Everyone liked him. Shane, well Shane on the other hand got mixed reactions from the gang. Michael didn’t take to her, Justin could tell. Ted was indifferent. Debbie made a remark to her about being rude at one point when Shane was checking the place out looking for possible tricks while Justin was trying to make the introductions. Vic found her amusing and Ben, Lord love him, was compassionate and kind as he always is.

“Justin, did you call the office?” Michael asked for the fourth time.

“Mikey, I’ve been calling the office, his cell and the loft. I don’t know what’s keeping him.” Justin said. He was worried Brian might not even show up. It wouldn’t be out of character for him to just not come. He knew that, and Michael knew that from the look on his face.

“Well if that asshole doesn’t come to his own sister’s welcome home party I’m going to ban him from the diner!” Debbie said.

“Please, let’s not get upset! After all, this party is for Rena! We don’t need Brian,” Emmett said trying to salvage his party.

He really did a magnificent job Justin admitted. The place was great, the food exotic, and the décor was all purple. Beautiful lilacs, purple passions and lavender roses adorned the tables. The party was small but very elegant. Rena gushed over it and fawned over Emmett’s talents. Emmett was pleased with her response.

“He’s coming,” Rena announced. “He said he was bringing a friend.” She informed them then went back to cooing and playing with Gus.

Justin looked surprised. “A friend? Who?” he asked. “When did you talk to him Rena?”

She looked over at him. “He called me earlier. I’m sorry, Justin, I was just so excited about meeting little Gussy poo.” She cooed to Gus. “I forgot all about it.”

A friend? Justin wondered who it could be. All of Brian’s friends were already here. Justin didn’t know Brian had any other “friends”. Oh, he had plenty of acquaintances, but none Justin knew of that Brian would actually bring to a family gathering. A knot formed in Justin’ stomach. He did not like the sound of this.

He pulled his cell out again and pressed one, for Brian’s cell. He barely got the phone to his ear when he heard a ruckus at the door.

Justin looked towards the café’s entrance to see Brian stumble in, his arms around another man. He could tell Brian was drunk. He assumed his “friend” was in the same condition.

“Well, his majesty has arrived! And in perfect form, as usual,” Debbie spat out sarcastically.

Justin shot her a look. “Deb, please. Let’s not make it worse.”

Debbie huffed.

Shane took one look at Brian and placed her hands on her hips. “Well, will you look at that!” she exclaimed and turned to Rena.

“What the fuck! I was told to behave, but HE gets to bring a trick?” she complained.

Rena looked up and saw her brother. She frowned. Something was wrong. She handed Gus back to Lindsey. Mel muttered “about time” under her breath. Rena caught it though, and placed it in the back of her mind to deal with at a later time. She turned to look at Justin and saw the confused hurt look on his face. She went over to him.

“Honey, don’t. Find out what’s going on first,” she whispered in his ear.

“Fucking Brian,” Michael said.

“Leave it be,” Ben told Michael, rubbing his shoulders.

Emmett looked at Justin, pity clear in his eyes. Justin had to look away.

Everyone was tense.

Brian and John stumbled into Anton’s holding each other up. Brian was pretty high. Between the shots of Beam and the joints they smoked, he was feeling no pain. He knew he was late, but fuck it, he thought. John needed a friend. Fucking five years to the day. Brian never knew until tonight, that she died of AIDS. She contracted the disease from a blood transfusion. It suddenly made sense to Brian why John drove himself so hard at work. Remington Pharmaceuticals major projects revolved around developing new HIV drugs.

Brian told John how Andy died. They spent the last hour drowning the memories of AIDS deaths and lost loves.

There was a saying Brian remembered; the source of humor is not joy, but sorrow. And there was so much sorrow between he and John that humor and lots of alcohol, was the only means to express it. They entered the café and looked around for their party. Brian saw Justin and made his way towards him, dragging a very unstable John with him.

Justin’s face was stoic. Rena got up to face her brother, and to intercept him from confronting Justin with his arms wrapped around another man.

“Bean!” she said a little too cheerfully. “Glad you finally made it. Who’s your friend?” she asked in an attempt to diffuse the situation.

Brian, in his intoxicated state, said the worse thing he could possibly say. “Oh, this guy? Just some trick I picked up at the bar,” he joked, though no one but John, got the joke.

John launched into a fit of hysterical laughter and fell into a chair next to Ted.

“Hey, good looking,” he slurred to Ted and winked at him. Ted scooted away from him, which only made John laugh harder.

Justin’s face turned white. He got up to leave. Tears stinging the back of his eyes. Tears he refused to let fall. NEVER again, he thought in a rage. How the fuck could he!? What the fuck could have happened between this morning and tonight that made Brian go out and do this? It didn’t make sense. He couldn’t think, he needed to get away.

He picked up his coat and made his apologies to Emmett.

Rena grabbed him. “Don’t you dare leave! Don’t give him the satisfaction. Stand your ground, Justin. Make him accountable for his actions,” Rena said angrily. She wanted to give Brian a piece of her mind, but this was Justin’s place, not hers.

Justin’s rage was mounting. Rena was right. He was not going to run. He walked up to Brian, stood up on his toes so he stood eye-to-eye with him and gritted out between clenched teeth. “Who the fuck is that!” he said pointing to John.

John, who was in the midst of taking a sip of water from one of the water glasses on the table spit out the liquid all over Brian’s pants.

“Fuck, John! These are Dolce’ linen!” Brian looked down to assess the damage done to his pants. “I swear to God you better not have ruined them!”

“Is ‘this’ Justin?” John asked, stunned.

Justin looked at the man for the first time. His anger dissipating a bit. Brian would not tell a trick about him. This man obviously knew Brian somehow. But how? Who the fuck was he?

“Yes this is Justin, who else would be shooting daggers out of his eyes at me like that!” He looked back to Justin.

“Which I DON’T appreciate!” Brian shouted at Justin as he leaned into him.

Justin was not giving in. “You’re over an hour late; you walk in drunk, with some strange guy hanging all over you. Consider my dirty looks a kindness.”

John’s sudden laughter jolted Brian and Justin out of their not-so-private spat.

“Brian, remind me again of the big differences between straight and gay men, will you?” John said totally amused with himself. “Cause it seems to me that straight or gay, we both have the same weakness. Young, hot blooded blonds.” John smirked at his friend and attempted to rise out of his chair. Ted had to help him.

Brian groaned. John drunk was a dangerous thing. He knew too much about Brian. He didn’t need him spilling locker room secrets to his family.

Justin looked confused. “Bri, exactly who is this?”

Brian was not pleased with Justin at the moment. The boy always reacted recklessly, jumping to conclusions. Normally, he’d be right. But what the fuck? Did the past few days mean nothing to Justin? He obviously didn’t take Brian seriously. Brian went out of his way to show Justin he was serious about their relationship. God he hated “relationships” and here was a perfect example of why he hated it so much. The fact that Justin had so little faith in him hurt.

“Who is he? I don’t know, Justin. You tell me. Since you’ve obviously formed an opinion already,” Brian said, sarcasm dangerously dripping from every word.

Justin flinched. Brian was right. He jumped to the conclusion that Brian was with a trick, even after all that Brian did to show Justin he was serious about them. Old habits were hard to break though, and Justin just reacted from past experience. Fuck! Well it was his fault! He gave him the fucking cell then ignores it! What was he supposed to think?

“What I KNOW, is that you didn’t call me, and you didn’t answer your cell. Forgive me if I got a bit concerned!” Justin defended himself.

“I called Rena.” Brian turned to Rena. Rena blushed.

“Sorry, Bean, I got so wrapped up in your adorable son I totally forgot what you said about your friend.”

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose, clearly upset with both Justin and Rena. Justin was avoiding explaining his reaction to seeing Brian with John and Rena was avoiding having to meet John.

He knew his sister too well. She chose to forget. John was there to help her find a doctor. It didn’t surprise him she put meeting John out of her mind the minute she hung up the phone with him. She was being stubborn about getting medical attention. Brian had to take control of locating a specialist for her. Rena wasn’t concerned about it at all. Brian couldn’t understand why. Rena was smart. She knew she couldn’t let her seizures continue without finding the source. There was a reason Rena was avoiding this. Brian knew he would find out why soon enough.

He was acutely aware everyone was there witnessing the spectacle he had created. Fuck it. They were used to him. Creating public scenes was his forte. He let out a deep breath and looked at John. “John, this is my sister Rena,” he said, ignoring Justin. He would deal with him later, in private.

John turned and saw Rena for the first time. He froze. Even in his inebriated state, his heart and mind registered something. Something he clearly recognized but refused to acknowledge. He couldn’t breathe, he didn’t want to move. He rebelled against his treacherous emotions. He refused to believe what his body was telling him. For God sakes it was the anniversary of his wife’s death! How could he be so drawn to this woman? How could he “feel” anything? His face went white, he felt sick to his stomach. He was going to vomit, he knew it. He turned to find an escape.

Brian saw John’s reaction and thought the booze was catching up with him. He grabbed his arm and led him to the bathroom. John barely made it in before he started to vomit.

“Fuck, John! Did you eat today?” Brian asked as he held his friend’s head over the toilet.

John continued to wretch. His mind was spinning, his heart was racing. He knew he was having a panic attack.

“Brian, fuck, I can’t breathe,” he said shaking.

Brian ran to the sink and wet a paper towel and brought it to John.

“Slow breaths, John, easy.” Brian recognized the attack. He wasn’t surprised. Maybe it was a good sign. Maybe John was starting to really grieve. Sometimes it hit, just like that.

Justin walked into the bathroom and saw the state John was in. Brian was crouched on the floor in the stall next to John, talking to him while pressing a wet paper towel to his head.

“He’s having a panic attack,” Justin said.

Brian glanced at him. “You think?” he spat out.

Justin bent down and started rubbing John’s arms, hands, and legs. He hummed softly as he gently massaged him.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Brian asked.

“When I would get an attack, you would rub my arms and legs like this while talking softly to me. I never really heard what you said, but the tone of your voice soothed me, and the feel of your hands massaging me calmed me. The contact made me feel secure,” he explained in a very soft, soothing voice for John’s benefit as he continued to rub his arms, hands and legs.

Brian looked at Justin gently caring for a man that he thought was one of Brian’s tricks just a minute ago, and for all he knew could still be. Not for the first time, he was reminded of how special Justin truly was. And how lucky he was to have him in his life.

“Justin, this is John Remington of Remington Pharmaceuticals. You remember it was their account that got Kinnetik off the ground,” Brian explained.

Justin nodded his head and continued to hum softly to John.

“He took over the family business a little over a year ago.” Brian paused and put his hand on Justin’s arm to get his attention. Justin looked up at him. “I consider him a friend. He’s straight. And today is the fifth anniversary of his wife’s death.” Brian looked into Justin’s eyes.

Justin sucked his breath in. “My God, Brian.” He looked down at John whose eyes were closed, but his breathing seemed a little more even. “I can’t even imagine…” Justin thought out loud.

“I know,” Brian said softly and looked down at his friend. It looked like he was coming around.

“John,” Brian called out softly.

John opened his eyes and saw Justin holding his hand, rubbing in between his fingers. He looked over at Brian. “Is this some sort of gay sexual thing? Cause if it is, I have to tell you, friend or no friend, what he’s doing feels so good, I just might fuck him,” he said attempting to smile.

Justin laughed. “I can see why you two are friends,” he said and let go of John’s hand.

John moaned in protest.

“Stop hitting on Justin. I just got him back,” Brian teased and helped John up.

John got to his feet and walked over to the sink to splash some water on his face.

Justin handed him a paper towel.

“Thanks.”

“You ok to rejoin the party?” Brian asked.

John’s face went white again. Justin reached out to hold him in case he fell over with another attack.

John took a deep, steadying breath. He couldn’t go back out there and face that woman. Rena. Fuck! He needed to get out of here. He couldn’t explain his reaction to Brian. Hell, he couldn’t explain it to himself! He needed to think. He needed to sneak out the back or something. He was about to ask Brian to make his apologies, feigning illness or something and quietly leave.

But that wasn’t how fate worked. Oh no, the object of his distress just opened the door to the men’s room and boldly walked in.

“Can you two please leave us alone?” Rena said to Brian and Justin. They both looked at her confused, and then at John, whose eyes were riveted on Rena and whose complexion was getting whiter by the minute.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea right now, Re. John’s sick,” Brian said.

“I’m a fucking doctor, Bean. If I need your help, I’ll call you. Just make sure no one comes in, I want to talk to John alone.”

Brian looked at Justin and motioned his head towards the door. Justin let go of John and left the bathroom with Brian.

They closed the door behind them and stood guard.

“What the fuck is that about!?” Justin asked.

Brian’s brain was starting to comprehend what was really going on. Fuck. How could he have missed that? After all, he had a similar reaction when he first saw Justin. Less the throwing up of course…
 

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