Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 18

“I won’t let you down
I will not give you up
Gotta have some faith in the sound
It’s the one thing that I’ve got
I won’t let you down
So please don’t give me up
Because I would really, really love to stick around” ~ George Michael – Freedom

 

*****

 

Brian roused himself from his aching slumber. He must have fallen back asleep right after Justin left. He gingerly raised his head and looked at the clock. It was just past noon.

He looked around the room. Justin wasn’t back yet. How long was he out? Something was wrong, Brian could feel it. He threw the blanket back and flung his legs over the side of the bed. The sudden movement caused his head to spin. He groaned out loud to the empty room. His head was splitting.

Where the fuck was Justin? He got up and pulled on his black jeans and slipped his favorite wife beater over his head. He shoved his feet into his black Gucci loafers and headed out the door to Rena’s.

Rena probably kept Justin hostage with her interrogations. Brian didn’t tell her much about him last night. She was chopping at the bit to know more about the boy in Andy’s drawing, and in Brian’s life. He cringed at all the questions his blonde must be fielding. She knew that he had deep feelings for Justin, and naturally she wanted to get to know him better. Brian wasn’t worried though, Justin could hold his own. Besides, he knew Justin had a lot of questions for Rena as well.

Rena was back in Brian’s life now, which meant she would be in Justin’s life as well, just as Gus would always be in Justin’s life. His little family, he smiled to himself. It was a good feeling. Almost too good he worried. It seemed when he was the happiest, that’s when things went terribly wrong. He was cursed that way. He fell in love with Andy, and Andy died. He fell in love with Justin, and Justin got bashed. He loved Rena and she was taken away from him. Thank God the munchers were raising Gus. Else he worried something terrible would happen to him as well. No, he didn’t trust happiness.

Brian reached the door to Rena’s suite. He knocked. Shane answered the door looking very nervous.

“Where’s Justin?” He asked, foregoing pleasantries.

“Um, I...he,” Shane stuttered.

Brian looked at her as if she were a simpleton. “I see gender confusion isn’t your only problem area. Having a hard time choosing the right pronoun as well?” Even hung-over his sarcasm was sharp.

James came up behind Shane. “Mr. Kinney, Justin is in the bedroom with Rena, talking.”

Brian looked at James realizing that it was the most he had spoken to him since he had arrived. He knew all about James. Rena mentioned him often in her letters. She trusted, and relied on James. There was a special friendship between the two. As if that wasn’t enough for Brian to respect James’s position in Rena’s life, the fact that he was there for her for the past 17 years, protecting her, was more than enough to gain Brian’s respect, and gratitude.

“Thanks, James, and please, it’s Brian. I’m not that fucking old.” Brian smiled at James. “You don’t have to be so formal with me.” He reached out and grabbed James’s forearm and squeezed gently before letting go. A gesture of friendship; James smiled and nodded his acceptance.

“Though you might want to speak softly to Rainman over here, she’s either been over medicated, or not medicated enough.” He shot a look at Shane who was still holding the door open, confusion on her face.

That got her attention. She snorted in a very unladylike manner and slammed the door shut. Brian had to move forward to avoid being clipped by it. He gave her a derisive smile. She stormed off.

“I’ll tell them you are here.” James turned and headed toward the bedroom.

“Don’t bother, I’ll handle this. She’s probably got him tied up and is torturing him for information.” He sighed heavily. “I thought knights in shining armor were supposed to save others, and not need saving themselves,” he mumbled to himself as he walked to the bedroom.

He opened the door and was greeted by a very touching, if not unsettling, scene. Rena was lying in bed, a light blanket covering her. Justin was sitting on the side of the bed, clasping Rena’s hand with his own, while he massaged her arm with his other hand. Ok, he thought, I’m sure there is a story here. But right now he needed some fucking painkillers!

“Rena do you have any pain killers, I’ve got a bitch of a headache.”

Rena jerked up in bed when she heard Brian. Her sudden movement caused the blanket, and towel beneath it, to fall from her body, exposing her bare breast. Justin reached over quickly to pull the blanket back up to cover her.

Brian raised an eyebrow at them. He shook his head. Get a grip Kinney; this could NOT be what it looked like!

He walked over to the bed and plopped down on the other side of Rena. He looked at the both of them; guilt was clearly written on their faces.

“Dear God, Rena, PLEASE tell me you didn’t seduce the boy,” he said in an overly indulgent voice.

Justin glared at him and made a disapproving sound. “That’s not funny, Brian.”

Rena was beet red.

Brian looked at him and put his tongue in his cheek.

“Ok, Sunshine, so explain to me why you are alone with my naked sister in her bedroom?” He tried to stifle his laugh.

Rena squirmed uncomfortably beside him, Justin just glared at him. Brian decided to have some fun with them. He was going to milk this one for all it was worth.

He feigned a much exaggerated hurt look on his face.

“Justin, please tell me you’ve not been straight all this time!” Brian couldn’t hold back his laugh this time. The look on both their faces was priceless.

“Briiaan…” Justin warned. Brian saw the warning signs but he couldn’t stop himself.

“Emmett would LOVE the drama of this moment, wouldn’t he? I mean my lover and my sister, caught in bed together! I’m sure he’d find a party theme for this situation.” He put his hands behind his head and leaned back against the bed’s headboard, a teasing smile played on his lips.

Justin’s eyes grew dark. Brian knew what was coming, but it was worth it. He was going to enjoy ribbing Justin about this for a long time to come.

“This is NOT a joking matter, Brian. Your sister had a seizure!” he blurted out before he could stop himself. His hand flew over his mouth and he looked at Rena apologetically.

She sighed. “Thanks for giving me the opportunity to tell him myself!” she said bitterly.

“I’m sorry ,Rena, it just came out I didn’t mean…”

“What the fuck!” Brian bolted up in the bed. “What do you mean a seizure, what the fuck happened!” He got up from the bed and went around to the other side. Justin got up to let him sit down next to her.

“Justin, did you call a doctor, an ambulance?” Brian put his hand on Rena’s forehead. “Are you in pain?” He was rambling.

“Will you shut the fuck up, Bean. I’m fine. I don’t need a doctor.” Rena pushed his hand away from her forehead.

“Jesus, why couldn’t we just let him think we fucked?” She looked over at Justin, frustrated.

“This isn’t funny, Rena.” Brian stared at his sister.

“You thought it was hysterical just a second ago,” she goaded.

“Rena! What kind of seizure? Have you had one before?”

“Yes, I’ve had them before. But I haven’t had one in six years.” Rena hated being forced to tell him this way. But there was no turning back now.

Brian studied her for a minute. Six years. He could do the math; that was the same time she stopped writing him.

“When did you start having these seizures?” he asked, his stomach clenching. He didn’t want to know the answer.

Rena sat up, pulling the blanket with her. “Justin, can you please hand me my robe? It’s hanging on the back of the bathroom door.”

Justin went over and retrieved the robe and handed it to her. “Thank you,” she said taking the robe from him. She pushed Brian aside and got up out of bed careless of her naked state. She slipped the robe on and walked over to the closet.

Brian saw the welts on her thighs when she stood, naked, from the bed. He’d seen marks like that before. He knew what caused them.

“What is the weather like out?” she asked as she flipped through the garments in the closet. “It’s getting colder. We’ll be out most of the day shopping. I don’t want to underdress.” She chatted aimlessly, pretending nothing serious had just been revealed.

“Oh Bean, we have to take Justin to Anik’s! It’s this great urban clothing store downtown. Everything is either black, denim or earth tone. I bet Justin would look hot in black. With his light coloring, the contrast would be deliciously decadent.”

She was talking and making plans for the day as if she didn’t just have a seizure. Brian watched as she rummaged through her closet, pulling out shirts, and pants, studying each as if it were the most important decision she had to make for the day.

They may have been separated for years, but no one knew Rena better than Brian. He knew Rena was scared. The more frightened she was, the more casual she would act. He wasn’t going to let her hide from her fear though. This was critical. It was about her health.


“I’ve been dying to get Shane down there. Lord knows that girl could use a wardrobe adjustment, along with an attitude adjustment,” she joked.

“When did they start?” Brian asked again, quietly.

Justin stood by, his body taut with apprehension. Brian’s face was stone cold. Blank. He knew what that meant. Brian’s emotions were running on overload.

Rena’s spine stiffened. “I don’t want to do this now, Brian.” She still had her back to him.

“Too bad.” His voice was curt. “I swear to God, Rena, if you don’t tell me now I will personally torture everyone in this fucking place to get some answers,” Brian threatened through gritted teeth.

Justin went over to him and placed his hand on his shoulder, quietly soothing him. Brian accepted the gesture. Justin could feel the tension radiating from his body. He was scared for Brian, and for Rena. Brian didn’t move, he just stared at Rena’s back, waiting for her to answer.

Rena sighed and turned to face him. Tears glistened in her eyes. “I am told I had my first seizure three months after I moved in with Viv,” she stated flatly.

“What do you mean, ‘you are told’?” Brian asked.

“I don’t remember them. Justin could probably tell you more than I can. He walked in on me having one. I’m afraid I scared the shit out of him,” she confessed quietly and then turned to Justin. “You don’t know how sorry I am you had to see that.”

He caught the double entendre in her words. Yes, she was sorry that he was frightened by it, but she was also sorry he witnessed her secret, forcing her to have this conversation with Brian.

Brian looked up at Justin. “What happened?” he demanded.

Justin hated being put on the spot. He frowned at Rena then turned to face Brian.

“She was in the bathtub in a fetal position, her head lying on the side of the tub.” He paused looking for signs of distress in Brian’s face. Nothing. Still blank. “Brian, she was unresponsive. James was trying to revive her.”

Rena spoke up. “It’s a good thing Shane came in with that bucket of ice. Once she threw it in the tub, I came around.” She threw Justin a challenging glance, daring him to contradict her.

“Did she also give you those welts on your leg, Rena? Looks like the work of a crop,” Brian said in a dead toned voice.

Rena cursed under her breath. “No.” She sighed in resignation. “James had to use the crop to bring me out of the seizure. The longer a seizure lasts, the greater the risk of brain damage. He’s been taking care of me for years, Brian. He knows what to do. He works under my instructions. And before you get angry with him, you should know he had no choice. When I had my first seizure he was the one that found me. Viv was away on her honeymoon. I told him if he told her, or anyone I would tell Viv that he tried to molest me. He had two choices, tell and be taken away from me, knowing I would deny ever having had a seizure to begin with, or stay with me and try to help me, watch over me in case I did have anymore. He chose to stay loyal to me. You should be grateful to him.” Rena defended James fiercely. He had taken care of her for the past seventeen years.

“I don’t doubt James’ loyalty Rena. It’s your loyalty I doubt,” Brian said. Rena sucked in her breath.

“Ten fucking years, Rena,” Brian said menacingly. “We’ve written to each other for ten years, told each other EVERYTHING. And not ONCE you mention this to me?” Brian was hurt, and scared. Justin could hear it in his voice.

Brian’s hurt ripped through Rena. She reminded herself why she never told Brian. It was the right decision. She had to remember that.

“Brian, what if I told you? It would have only made you worry, and there was nothing you could do. After that first year, they went away. There was nothing to write about. Almost ten years went by and not another seizure. I thought they were gone for good. I didn’t want to worry you.” Rena walked over to the bed and sat down beside him. He turned towards her and Rena could see the fear, anger and pain in his eyes. Her heart ached.

“But then six years ago I had another one. By then we weren’t writing each other anymore.” She pleaded with Brian to understand. She couldn’t take it if he lost faith in her. They were always honest with each other. They trusted each other with their lives. She couldn’t have Brian doubt her.

“What do the doctors say?” Brian asked.

Rena’s face went red and she looked away. Brian let his stone mask slip and shock covered his face. Justin saw it and went and sat on the other side of him on the bed.

“You haven’t seen a fucking doctor!” he shouted incredulously. He stood up abruptly and grabbed Rena by the arms and pulled her to her feet. He faced her, fire in his eyes. Justin watched from the bed.

“You’re a fucking doctor, Rena; you know something like this can’t go untreated!” There was desperation in his voice. “What if you have a tumor?” His voice cracked.

“No, Brian, please don’t go there. It’s not a tumor, I promise you.” Rena said earnestly trying to calm Brian’s fear.

Brian studied her. “What are you not telling me?”

Justin held his breath. His stomach clenched. He hung on Rena’s words. Waiting for the fallout that was sure to come when she finally spoke again.

“I know what triggers them,” she whispered.

Brian felt his heart drop. Fear gripped at him. She never told him, and Rena told him everything. The only reason why Rena would keep something like this from him was to protect him. His mind was racing, trying to find answers.

Rena saw the myriad of emotions cross Brian’s face. Everything that had ever happened to them crashed in on her. The weight of it made her knees weak; Brian had to physically hold her up. She couldn’t hurt him. He had suffered enough pain to last him a lifetime, and more. She briefly closed her eyes willing God to hear her.

“Tell me,” Brian demanded.

She stared at Brian, not wanting to hurt him, but knew it was time to tell him everything. “You trigger them.”

Brian’s face went blank again. His grip on her remained firm. He knew he was holding her up. His heart hammered in his chest. The implications of her words shook him.

Justin watched Rena warily. He didn’t know quite what she was up to.

She began to tell her story. “Brian, when we were separated, I lost the only living relative I ever had. For the first time in my life, I felt truly alone. I had my first seizure three months after our separation.”

“I couldn’t stand to be away from you. I convinced Tom to be courier for us so I could at least remain close to you through our correspondents. And it worked. The seizures stopped. For years I was fine, because I still had you in my life.” She pushed away from him. She couldn’t look at him.

He let her go, waiting for her to finish. He stood there, in the middle of the bedroom, looking lost and hurt. Justin watched him closely. He waited to see where Rena was taking this.

“I went almost ten years with no seizures. I thought they were gone, that’s why I never saw a doctor. I studied trauma related seizures. If I had a tumor, Brian, I would have had another seizure within that time. But I didn’t. I only had another seizure when I stopped writing you six years ago.” Rena paused, waiting to see how Brian would take this information.

Brian’s remained stoic. “So you are telling me that being separated from me caused the seizures?” he asked disbelievingly.

“Yes.”

“Bullshit, Rena. If that were true, then why did you have a seizure today?”

Good one, Brian, Justin thought. He wondered how Rena was going to explain her way out of this one. She hadn’t exactly lied to him, but she wasn’t telling him the whole truth either.

“Honestly, I don’t know. I know for a FACT that being separated from you had caused the seizures in the past. But I can’t explain today’s seizure. That’s what Justin and I were talking about when you came in.” She looked to Justin for support.

Great, he thought. Again, it wasn’t a lie, but she was trying desperately not to tell him about the rape. Maybe this was good he thought. Let him get used to the idea of her having seizures. Brian will make her deal with them, and in time, the root of them will have to come out. He wouldn’t lie to Brian, but if he didn’t have to, he wouldn’t betray Rena. She did have a right to tell him, in her own time.

“Rena told me that she didn’t know what caused the seizure today Brian, that’s the truth.” Rena sighed at her relief.

Brian caught it and looked at her suspiciously.

“Justin was telling me about his bashing, and the mini seizures he suffers today. He was adamant that I tell you about my seizures and get help immediately.” She told Brian.

Brian looked over at Justin and smiled. He knew Justin didn’t talk about the bashing much to anyone. They hardly spoke about it. Yet he opened up to Rena to try to help her. He couldn’t be prouder of him. He went over to him and cupped the side of his face. Justin rubbed his cheek against Brian’s hand. He turned to kiss his palm.

Rena’s Knight in Shining Armor, Brian mused. He smiled. He reached down and gently kissed Justin. “Thank you,” he whispered into his mouth.

Justin looked up into Brian’s eyes, love shone in them. His own eyes started to water.

Brian straightened up and turned to Rena, ready for battle.

“First of all, fuck you, Rena.” Rena smiled. This was good. Brian cursing her was good.

“Second, we’re going to get you a doctor immediately. You’re going to have a full brain scan, MRI, whatever the fuck they do with mental patients!”

Justin laughed. Brian turned to him. “What are you laughing about?” he said indignantly.

“You seem to be saddled with brain damaged people, Brian. What is it about you that attract the mentally challenged?” he teased. Brian was not amused. Rena thought it was funny though.

She ran over to Brian and hugged him tightly. “Please don’t give up on me.” she whispered into his neck. “I promise you, Bean, that as soon as I’m settled in Pittsburgh, I’ll get the best doctor in the field to treat me. I won’t let you down.” she vowed.

Brian held her tight. He cleared his throat. “No, I WILL find you the best doctor. I don’t trust you, Rena. You have a habit of not dealing with things you find disturbing.”

“Gee I wonder where she got that from!” Justin remarked. Brian shot him a threatening look.

“Fine, you find a doctor! Don’t let the fact that I’ve studied in some of the best universities in and out of the country, and KNOW the best doctors in the world, account for anything. I’ll defer to your better judgment,” Rena said sarcastically.

“Well, your judgment led you to not dealing with what could be a very serious condition. So forgive me if your “oh so superior” education and fancy degree’s don’t impress me much.” Brian spat his statement back at her.

“Ohhh, you are such an asshole!” she vented.

“So I’ve been told.” He smiled at her.

Rena couldn’t resist his smile. She felt a big weight lifted from her. She wouldn’t think of the time when Brian would find out about the rape. For now, it was enough that she didn’t carry the burden of hiding the seizures from him anymore. And in truth, after today’s episode, she knew she had to see a doctor.

She took his hands in hers. “I’m sorry, Brian,” she said solemnly.

“Sorry’s bullshit,” he replied and kissed her forehead. “I want you well, Rena. I want you around for a long time.” Emotion was thick in his voice. “Now shouldn’t you be in bed? You’re not seriously thinking of going shopping are you?” Brian asked.

“Of course I’m going shopping! We all are, then we’re going to have a fabulous dinner and enjoy what little time we have in New York.” Rena was chipper.

“Are you sure you are up to it?” Justin asked.

“Stop being a mother hen, the both of you! I’m fine. Honestly!” Rena started to shoo them out. “Now unless you want a hetero striptease show, I suggest you get out and let me get dressed.”

“Ok, but if I see you’re tired…” Brian began.

“Yeah, yeah, I know. My life is going to be hell for the next few months.” Rena sighed.

“Welcome to my world,” Justin teased from the doorway. “Come on, Bri, let's go get dressed, I’m starving!”

“Oh fuck, I almost forgot. Rena, where are those fucking painkillers!” Brian put his fingers to his temples and rubbed.

Rena went into the bathroom and came out with a couple of yellow and blue pills and handed them to Brian.

“What are these?”

“Fiorinal. ..Think Tylenol on steroids.”

“Thank God, I knew having a doctor in the family would come in handy for something,” Brian said and turned to leave.

Shane came running into the room just as they were leaving. She nearly knocked Justin over in her haste.

“Rena,” she said breathlessly. “Viv’s on her way here!”
 

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