Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 16

“You come to love not by finding the perfect person, but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.” ~ Sam Keen


*****

 

Justin lay on his side, pretending to be asleep when he heard Brian enter the room.

He’d just gotten in about an hour ago. Shane was past drunk and Justin decided it was time to take her back to the hotel. Other than Brian, Justin never saw anyone make so many trips into the back room in one night. After his first, and only, visit to the back room of Splash Justin decided it wasn’t worth it. Yes, he could see how it provided a few minutes of delicious numbness, but all too soon, the numbness was replaced with remorse. And the pain was still there. It was either get another “fix” or find another solution. Justin chose the latter.

Brian was addicted to his pain management practices. He understood that better now having had the taste of it. It was very tempting to get another “hit” of that state of oblivion. Where everything faded and you were only left the “moment” of pleasure. He knew Shane understood its power as well. Her words came back to him:

“When it comes down to it, it’s all about the moment, isn’t it?”

Shane was drowning her pain in sex tonight. Justin wasn’t sure of the cause of her pain. If he had to guess, he would say it had something to do with Brian reappearing in Rena’s life.

Justin liked Shane. He understood her. He agreed with Rena; there were a lot of similarities between Shane and Brian. Both lived according to their own rules, both were harboring some deep emotional pain, and both were insufferable snobs. Justin smiled remembering how Shane manipulated more than one trick tonight. She fucked them, but it was obvious Shane had no respect for them. She used them for her own purposes.

The difference between the two was that Brian knew exactly who he was, faults and all. Shane had identity problems. Brian also never used manipulation to get sex. He never had to. With his spectacular good looks, and natural sexual magnetism, getting laid was almost always too easy for Brian. If anything, it bored him. But some habits Justin knew were very hard to break.

Shane, on the other hand, had to work at it. She was sexy, but she didn’t have those drop dead gorgeous looks. And as for charm, well Shane wasn’t exactly a natural. Add to that her “Boys Don’t Cry” act and she really had her work cut out for her. She was still trying to find herself, or lose herself. He wasn’t sure which.

On the cab ride back to the Hotel, Shane apologized to him for setting him up with that guy in the back room. Justin had a feeling Shane didn’t like apologizing, or did it very often. She saw how Justin reacted afterwards, and felt immediate remorse. Another difference between her and Brian, Brian would have had no regrets.

“Honestly, Justin, I thought you needed it” she said in the form of her apology. “Geesh, when I saw your face afterwards, I knew I really fucked up. Brian will have my fucking head if he finds out I forced you into doing something you regretted,” Shane confessed.

Justin smiled at her. “You didn’t force me to do anything Shane. And I don’t regret it. In fact, I’m glad I did it. It taught me something,” he said reassuringly.

It wasn’t that Justin never had anonymous sex before; he just never used it for pain. Even after the bashing, it was just the opposite. Justin didn’t want to be touched. His pain sent him into withdrawal both emotionally and physically. It was Brian who reawakened his sexuality.

Brian made Justin trust himself sexually again with him, and with other men. Now that Justin thought about it, all those tricks Brian brought home were not just for “play.” Brian didn’t want Justin to hide in the security of sex with just him. He knew Justin felt safe with him. But Brian also realized that Justin was young and gay and he wanted him to be able to once again enjoy his sexuality. He refused to let Hobbs take that away from him. He wanted Justin to know that he was still a very sensual, and sexy, man that could enjoy sex with other men. A lesson Brian taught him over and over again. Justin smiled to himself at the memory inside the dark interior of the cab.

Shane seemed to relax a bit. Justin could tell that Brian was the last person Shane wanted as an enemy. Smart girl.

They reached the hotel about an hour ago and said their good nights. Shane went up to her suite, and Justin went into his room. Brian wasn’t there. He wasn’t surprised; he knew that he and Rena would probably stay up all night catching up. Reliving old memories, some good, many he was sure bad. He worried about the mood Brian would be in when he came back to the room. That was assuming he did make his way back tonight.

He took a quick shower, and then got under the blankets. He was barely settled when he heard the door open. Justin froze. Brian must have left Rena’s shortly after Shane stumbled in.

Justin listened as he heard Brian close the door behind him. The soft sound of his footsteps on the carpet was deafening. He willed his breathing to slow down and he kept his eyes closed.

The bed dipped beside him as Brian climbed in. Justin felt Brian’s arm come around and over him, and then withdraw. The movement puzzled him. He slowly opened his eyes and saw a photograph lying on the bed in front of him. He blinked, trying to focus, and studied the picture.

It was a photo of three young kids. He spotted Brian immediately. He was in the middle. Tall, skinny, his features sharp, not yet filled out. Justin’s heart swelled. Hanging on a bar next to Brian was a girl. Justin assumed it was Rena. She was adorable. Impish looking with long dark braided hair that was coming undone on all sides. They were smiling, dangling from a monkey bar set.

Justin’s eyes moved to the other boy in the picture. This must be Andy Justin thought. He held his breath. Andy. Brian’s first love.

Andy was older then the two next to him. He was sitting on top of the monkey bars, looking down on his two playmates. An indulgent smile played on his lips. He looked to be about fifteen or sixteen. He had sandy hair that was a bit long. One of his long legs was bent at the knee, his foot resting on one of the bars. His arm was carelessly draped over that knee, while his other leg swung off to the side. He was holding a cigarette in his hand. He appeared older than he looked. There was a maturity etched in his face. He could see why Brian had a crush on him. He had this James Dean quality.

Justin reached over and gently caressed the picture. Brian caught the gesture and scooted closer to Justin. Pressing his body into Justin’s back.

“He was hot, wasn’t he?” Brian said wistfully into Justin’s ear.

“Yeah, he was, Bri,” Justin said, a hint of sadness in his voice.

“You know, if I were around back then, you’d have competition,” Justin teased, lightening the moment. Brian laughed.

“Well, Sunshine, I’m afraid we both would have had plenty of competition. The girls loved Andy.” He paused. “And Andy loved the girls.”

Justin turned his head around to look at Brian. His eyes were glazed; no doubt the effect from too much booze and pot. But he was sober. His thinking was clear.

“Andy was straight?” Justin never considered that. Though Brian never admitted to Justin that he had been in love with Andy, Justin knew it. He heard it in Brian’s voice the night Brian told him about Andy, and how he died.

“Oh yes, very.” Brian laughed sarcastically.

Justin cringed at the implications. He knew that Andy’s father made him trick for his sick pals at the precinct. He just couldn’t imagine that Andy was straight. He thought that perhaps the father did it as some sort of sick punishment for finding out Andy was gay. But to do that to your own son, knowing he was straight…God what kind of monster was Emilian.

Brian felt the mood change in Justin. He sat up and lit a cigarette. Justin lifted himself up as well. He held the photo in his hand.

“Tell me about Andy,” Justin said softly as he stared at the picture.

Brian looked over at him. “What do you want to know?” he said as he handed the cigarette to Justin.

Justin took a drag from the cigarette. “I’m trying to quit these you know.”

“Yeah, well I’ve been trying to quit you for two years now,” Brian teased.

Justin hit his arm. “I’ve noticed. Lucky for me you have no will power,” he said giving Brian a tired smile.

Brian laughed and leaned in to kiss him as he took the cigarette back. “No, lucky for me,” Brian whispered against Justin’s mouth.

“What was Andy like?” Justin brought the conversation back to Andy.

Brian took a deep drag and looked out into the dark room.

“Andy was my hero. You know, kind of like how Captain Astro is Mikey’s superhero? Only my hero was real life.” Brian reached over and dabbed the cigarette out.

“He was the coolest kid in the neighborhood. He had this really neat trick he could do on his bike.” Brian shook his head at the memory.

“Tell me,” Justin prodded.

“He would ride his bike down the street with no hands, and then pop a wheelie once he got his speed up, still no hands mind you, and then all of a sudden he would slam on the brakes. Anyone who was watching held their breath, waiting for him to flip over. But he’d remain on that one back wheel for a good 5 minutes before he let the front wheel fall to the ground. It was amazing. That stunt made him legendary.” Brian spoke boastfully of Andy’s feat.

Justin smiled. “Ok, that IS cool. Did he teach you how to do it?”

“Oh he tried. I could pop the wheelie with no hands, which was an accomplishment in itself, but when I slammed on the breaks, I always fell. Well, except that one time. I managed to hold the position for a good 30 seconds.” Brian looked over at Justin, a prideful look on his face.

“I bet Andy was impressed.” Justin was enjoying this conversation with Brian. Having Brian share his childhood memories with him was an intimacy that was new to their relationship. He cautioned himself though. One step forward, two steps back. Don’t push, he reminded himself.

“When did you know you were in love him?” Ok, so much for not pushing, Justin thought. But he couldn’t help himself. He needed to know. Brian was still mourning over the loss of Andy. Justin knew for a fact, until he came along, Brian never let anyone in. He rejected love and all it meant to him. The fact that Justin was able to get in under the wire was a miracle in itself. Or maybe not a miracle, but a foreordained conclusion, confirmed by Andy’s vision.

Brian was silent for a long while. Justin could feel tension, thick as molasses, in the air. He didn’t dare move. He sat there, waiting for, something. An explosion, a rejection, denial? What, he didn’t know. But he steeled himself for it.

“I knew I was in love with him the year I turned thirteen,” Brian said quietly into the dark.

Justin let his breath out. It was probably the first time Brian said those words aloud. Justin felt relief. This was good. It was a step towards healing. But, as he was rejoicing in the progress Brian was making, he had to admit that he was also feeling some hurt. Brian was in love before. Justin always believed that Brian didn’t believe in love because of his parent’s lack of it, for him and for each other. He never thought that Brian was ever in love before. But the truth was, Brian had known love. And because of the pain that love caused him, he was denying himself the love he felt for Justin.

“Before then, I had a crush on him. But hell, most everyone in the neighborhood did, both male and female.” Brian’s words interrupted Justin’s thoughts.

“But when I turned thirteen, I realized it was more than just a crush. Andy got sick that year, and I... well…” Brian paused. “I realized I might lose him. I knew then that I was in love with him.” Brian took Justin’s hand into his own, threading their fingers together.

“Is that when you realized you were gay?” Justin asked.

“No, I knew I was gay by then. I had experimented a little earlier on. Believe it or not, Sunshine, I learned how to French kiss from an older woman.” He smiled over at Justin.

“She was fourteen, I was twelve.” He said. “I wanted to learn how to kiss, and at that age, and in my neighborhood, there was a shortage of young gay boys. So Marianne Deccico became my tutor. And a fine one at that,” Brian acknowledged.

“Well if I ever meet her, please remind me to thank her!” Justin said laughing softly.

“Well I think a lot of practice over the years had more to do with my skill then Marianne’s lessons. Though she was an enthusiastic teacher.” Brian winked at him.

“I had my first kiss with a boy that same year. I had my sights on this fourteen-year-old jock that went to our school. He was a grade ahead of me. We were on the same soccer team. Anyway, I knew he was gay. I was only twelve but I was tall, an accomplished player and good looking.”

“And modest,” Justin added smiling up at Brian.

Brian bumped him with his shoulder. “Just honest.”

“Anyway, I approached him in the school gym locker room one day after everyone had left. He lingered behind, and so did I. I guess we had the same thing in mind.”

Brian put his tongue in cheek and looked over at Justin.

“I came up behind him, he was facing his locker. I put my hands on his shoulder and slowly turned him around. He followed my lead. Just like a deer caught in the headlights. I looked at his mouth, and leaned forward slowly. God I remember thinking at the time, “Your fucking lessons better pay off, Decicco!” before I kissed him. He opened his mouth, our tongues touched and in that moment I knew I was gay. Now THAT was hot!” Brian started laughing.

“What?” Justin said, laughing with him.

“Do you know what his name was?” Brian asked.

Justin tilted his head. “Do I want to know?” he asked smiling.

“Justin Balton the 3rd.” Brian burst out laughing. “We called him JB.”

“No fucking way!” Justin said, finding it extremely funny and ironic.

“God, I’m so fucking cursed with Justin’s!” Brian pulled Justin over onto him and kissed him hard.

Justin was still laughing into Brian’s mouth as Brian deepened the kiss. When he pulled away, Justin was breathless.

“Should we give Marianne a call and thank her?” he asked teasingly.

“Most definitely!” Justin said, his eyes clouding with passion.

He sat up, climbed over Brian so that he was straddling his lap, facing him.

He held the picture out for Brian to take.

“Did he ever know?” he asked.

Brian took the picture and stared at it. “I told him the night he died.” he said quietly.

He put the picture on the nightstand by the bed and turned to face Justin. He wrapped his arms around his waist and scooted him forward so their cocks were pressing against each other. Justin rested his hands on Brian’s shoulder.

“So that’s good, right?” Justin asked cautiously.

Brian smiled. “Yes, it was good. No regrets.”

“I’m glad,” Justin replied.

Brian rotated his hips up against Justin. A seductive smile playing on his lips. Justin slanted his eyes and pulled back a bit.

He was not just going to fuck Brian now. Not after the way he closed him out earlier. It was good they were talking, but Justin knew Brian’s M.O. Talk followed by fucking, followed by rejection.

“No fucking tonight, Brian,” Justin stated firmly.

Brian looked at him as if he lost his mind. Which Justin thought he just might have. Justin rarely turned down sex with Brian.

Brian was not one to be put off though. He reached down between Justin’s legs and started massaging his cock. Justin moaned and leaned into him. His mouth was inches from Brian’s, so close…

“No,” he said, and shook himself from the haze he was feeling. He placed his hands on Brian’s shoulders and pushed himself back.

Brian sighed heavily. “You’re pissed about earlier?” He confirmed, more than asked.

“Yes. I’m fucking pissed!” Justin yelled.

Brian braced himself. He knew this was coming. Fuck. Didn’t Justin realize he was dealing with too much shit right now? Ok, so he was a little distant after last night. It was just that he had a lot to process. Why the fuck did the kid never give him any slack! Brian’s anger was starting to rise. For fuck sake he told him he loved him! Did he think he lied? Or maybe he just thought that after that little confession they would ride off into the sunset like two fucking lesbians straight off a Harlequin romance cover!

Brian pushed Justin off him, none to gently either. Justin scrambled up on the bed ready for battle.

Brian stood up and started to undress. He pulled off his shirt and turned to Justin, arms wide.

“What the fuck do you want from me?” Brian screamed.

Justin glared at him. “I don’t want you to say things you don’t mean,” he said between gritted teeth.

Brian put his hands on the bed and leaned towards Justin. “I NEVER say things I don’t mean!” he retorted. God, the nerve of him! He never lied to Justin before. Never made promises he couldn’t keep. How DARE he question him?

“Really?” Justin said sarcastically. “So you really did want me to go out tonight and fuck a lot of guys?”

Brian straightened up so quickly he almost lost his balance. He didn’t expect that. This wasn’t about him telling Justin he loved him. Apparently Justin accepted that. It was about his comment to him before he left Rena’s earlier.

Shit! Brian thought. He did tell him to fuck a lot of hot guys. What he was trying to tell him was that it was all right if he did, Brian didn’t want his confession of love to stop Justin from having a good time. But this was Justin. Of course Justin would take it to mean he was being rejected. Fuck! Justin didn’t fuck indiscriminately, Brian did. Justin would trick with him, but Justin didn’t trick on his own when he and Brian where together. If Brian looked deeper, he would admit to himself that there was a part of him that was being spiteful when he made that comment. Telling Justin he loved him left him vulnerable. Brian did NOT do vulnerability well. In the back of his mind, he knew that comment would hurt Justin.

Justin was kneeling on the bed glaring at him. Brian couldn’t blame him.

“Well, did you?” That was the only thing Brian could think of saying.

“I got a blow job in the back room, are you happy?” Justin sneered.

Brian sighed. “No.” he simply said.

That diffused Justin. He got off the bed and walked towards Brian.

“Then don’t ask me to do that again, ok?”

Brian smiled. “I promise.”

Justin nodded his head. “Good. But I’m still not going to let you fuck me tonight.”

Brian raised his hands in defeat. “As you wish.”

Then he leaned in and whispered in Justin’s ear. “But will you fuck me?”

Justin’s knees went weak. Brian had to physically hold him up. He smiled to himself. He picked Justin up and laid him back on the bed.

He leaned over him and kissed him deeply. Justin lifted his arms and wrapped them around his neck, bringing him down fully on top of him.

Brian lifted his head and looked into Justin’s eyes. All the love, passion and need shone in them. “I need you inside me.” he told Justin.

Justin cried out and pulled Brian down for another soul rending kiss.

They undressed each other, slowly, savoring each moment. Justin had only topped Brian once before. He knew how special this was for both of them.

Once they were naked, Justin took his time in worshiping his lover’s body with his hands, mouth and body. He left no part of Brian unattended. He loved him with the entirety of his being.

First he brought him to orgasm with his mouth. Licking and sucking his cock until Brian spilled his seed down his throat. Then Justin took his time in inflaming Brian’s passion again. He used his hands, tongue, body, and words to bring Brian back to the edge. And he did. Just when Brian couldn’t’ take it anymore, Justin reached over to the nightstand and grabbed a condom and some lube.

Though Brian was thoroughly wet from Justin’s mouth, he didn’t want to hurt him. Brian was not use to bottoming. Justin spread the lube over Brian and inserted one finger. He gently massaged, and spread Brian open for him.

Brian moaned and pushed back against him. Justin leaned over and whispered words of love into Brian’s ear.

He then slipped another finger in, making sure to properly ready Brian for his cock. Brian hissed. He ran his tongue down Brian’s spine, making small circles on the small of his back.

Justin then raised himself up and positioned his cock at Brian’s entrance. He placed his hand next to Brian’s and their fingers entwined.

“Now,” Brian commanded.

Justin accommodated him. He entered Brian slowly. Stretching him inch-by-inch, giving him time to adjust. Brian raised his hips up to meet Justin.

“Now!” he demanded.

Justin thrust forward and embedded himself deep in Brian. Brian tightened his hold on Justin’s hand. Justin leaned forward and kissed the back of Brian’s neck.

He started moving in and out, creating a rhythm for them. Brian met him thrust for thrust.

Justin took his free hand and grabbed Brian’s cock and started stroking in tempo with his thrusts.

“Arrghh…” Brian moaned deeply. He turned his head and Justin met his mouth eagerly. Kissing him with an urgency that bespoke his own passion.

Brian was getting close, Justin could feel it. He didn’t want to cum before Brian but, oh God, he was so hot! Fucking Brian was like dying and going to heaven. He couldn’t cum now, no, dear God, not now!

“Brian…” He croaked out his need and Brian heard it. He felt Justin’s cock throb inside of him.

“Justin, wait…don’t cum yet,” he ordered.

He stilled and shifted a bit so that Justin’s cock was hitting his prostate.

“There, now, Justin,” he ordered.

Justin did as he was told and fucked him in this new position. Massaging his prostate with each stroke.

“Yes…” Brian moaned. “Yes, that’s it, harder!”

Justin started fucking Brian harder, desperately trying to hold back his own orgasm. He kissed, stroked and fucked Brian until he couldn’t hold on any longer. His orgasm ripped through him.

“Fuck… Brian!” he screamed but the feel of Justin’s cock throbbing his orgasm into Brian’s ass was enough to send Brian over the edge with him.

Together they rode the wave of ecstasy. Justin collapsed on top of Brian. His cock heavy inside of him.

Brian lay there, completely sated, completely happy, he realized. The feel of Justin on his back, sprawled, sweaty and spent was a feeling he would never tire of.

Eventually their breathing calmed, and their hearts stopped racing. Justin didn’t want to leave Brian’s body and Brian was in no hurry to let him go.

Minutes passed, neither moved, nor spoke. Justin turned his head and kissed Brian’s back. Slowly, he slipped out of Brian.

Brian exhaled at the loss. Justin moved off Brian, removed his condom and discarded it. He slipped under the covers and threw his arm around Brian’s naked back. Brian had yet to move. Justin lay there for a while. Convinced that Brian had fallen asleep. He closed his eyes and started to drift off.

“Better than a blow job,” Justin heard Brian say right before sleep claimed him.
 

Return to Before There Was You, There Was You