Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 15

"It is an illusion that youth is happy, an illusion of those who have lost it.” ~ W. Somerset Maugham
 

*****

“No one does Thai like New York,” Brian remarked savoring a mouth full of spicy noodles. Rena said there was a Thai restaurant on every block in the city. Brian was in heaven.

He and Rena were curled up on the couch eating out of the take out containers. There was a half empty bottle of Beam, several empty Corona bottles, and an ashtray full of cigarette butts, some roaches and yes, popcorn, sprawled over the coffee table in front of them.

They were comfortably high, well fed, and giddy. Currently they were playing “one up” on each other with personal stories of past exploits from the past six years.

“I fucked a priest.” Brian put the container of noodles down and picked up the joint in the ashtray and lit it.

Rena laughed hysterically. “Tell me,” she sputtered between giggles. “How does one fuck a man of God? I mean, did you do it missionary style or did you have to be on your knees the whole time?” She rolled back on the couch clutching her stomach as if she just said the funniest thing.

Brian pushed her off the couch. She landed with a “thump” on her ass and laughed harder. Brian laughed with her and extended his hand to pull her up on the couch again.

He handed her the joint. She took a drag and handed it back. She let out a big sigh.

“You’re fucking worse than Mikey,” Brian teased as he took a hit off the joint.

“Two joints and you’re wasted,” he croaked around the inhaled smoke.

“Yeah, well I’m a doctor. I don’t smoke pot. It’s unethical.” She smiled up at him. “I do what any respectable doctor does.” She put her hand out to take the joint back from Brian. “I write my own prescriptions.” She burst into laughter again.

Brian shook his head. “That would be funny if I didn’t believe you,” Brian said half jokingly. He was finding out little by little that he and Rena shared a lot of the same bad habits. Neither had self control when it came to self indulges.

“Mikey!” she screeched. “Jesus, how the fuck is he? How did he react to my letter?” She asked as she put the joint back in the ashtray.

“Mikey is great. He can’t wait to see you again.” He paused for a moment. “We told his mother.”

Rena reached over for the bottle of Beam and took a swig. “How did that go?” she asked warily.

“Actually a lot better than I thought it would,” Brian said honestly. “She’s all emotional now over getting to meet the “newest” member of her little family.” Brian smirked.

Rena laughed. She remembered from Brian’s letters that Deb considered herself mother hen to all the boys on Liberty Avenue. She guessed they were lucky that way. Each found a surrogate family while they were separated. Brian had Michael, Deb and Vic, and she had Viv, James and Shane.

“He’s seeing someone,” Brian said.

Rena perked up. Brian wouldn’t mention this if it weren’t serious.

“And?” she asked, waiting for the punch line.

“He’s HIV positive.”

They grew soberly silent in that minute.

Rena cleared her throat. “How are you dealing with it?”

Brian loved Michael like a brother. He was the only one he trusted with Rena. The three of them held a special bond created over their shared experience seventeen years ago. Brian protected Michael. Rena knew Brian must be out of his mind with fear and worry for Michael. Rena and Brian had firsthand experience at losing someone to AIDS. She knew that was his worst nightmare.

She scooted next to him, and laid her head on his shoulder. “How’s he doing?”

Brian took the bottle of Beam from her and took a long drink. “Actually he’s doing great. His T levels are good. He’s on the cocktail. No sign of the virus.” He looked at her.
“He’s fucking hot, Rena. Wait till you see him, he works out all the time. He’s a college professor.”

Rena blinked up at him, then sat back and started laughing hysterically.

“What!” Brian said making a face at her like she just went mad.

“You fucked him!” She laughed harder.

Fuck, Brian thought. How the fuck did she guess that? He pushed her away playfully.

Rena laughed harder. “Jesus, Brian, does Mikey know?”

“Yes, thanks to Justin. He figured it out, like you just did. Do I wear all my past fucks on my sleeve or something? What is it?” Brian asked taking another swig of the Beam.

“OK OK OK…” Rena slurred as she rose from the couch, somewhat unsteadily. She stood in front of Brian and pointed at him.

“What the FUCK is the story with Justin! Jesus, Brian! I nearly had a coronary when I saw him! Where DID you find him?”

“Where do you think?” Brian replied, smiling up at her.

Rena plopped her ass down on the coffee table, facing Brian. “God, no, don’t even tell me…under a lamppost.” It wasn’t a question. It was a statement.

“Just like Andy drew him.” Brian finished what was left in the bottle then got to his feet. His legs were a little more steady then Rena’s, but not by much.

Rena turned her head to follow him. “You saw that picture only once Brian. And just for a minute. Did you recognize him from the drawing?” She asked somewhat bewildered.
Brian went to the bar and pulled out another bottle of Beam.

“Oh, yes. I definitely remembered the drawing.” Brian opened the bottle and brought it back to the couch and sat down in front of Rena.

“I was coming out of the club one night, ready to go home. Mikey was there, and Ted and Emmett, friends of ours.” Brian explained. “All of a sudden, something compelled me to look down the street.” Brian’s eyes looked past Rena’s, as if recalling the memory.

“There was all this steam coming up from a manhole. People were milling around. The whole scene was very industrial. Then all of a sudden, I saw this blond boy come through the fog of the steam. My heart skipped. He looked familiar at that point, but I still couldn’t place him.”

Brian lifted the bottle and took a drink before continuing. Rena sat on the coffee table, mesmerized by the accounting.

“Then, as if I were in some fucking Fellini movie, time seemed to slow down. Reality shifted. The blond walked over to a lamppost at the corner of the street and stopped to lean against it. That’s when it hit me…the drawing in your room. The vision came rushing back to me. There he was, that boy in your drawing.”

Rena took a deep breath. “Fucking incredible,” she said in awe.

“Yeah, fucking incredible,” he agreed. “Naturally, I went up to him and picked him up. Took him home, took his cherry and fucked him into the mattress. I haven’t been able to shake him since,” Brian finished with a humorous smile.

“Haven’t been able to stop yourself from falling in love with him either,” Rena declared. Brian raised an eyebrow and lit a cigarette.

Rena got up and went into her bedroom. When she came out she was carrying a small metal box. She sat down on the coffee table again facing Brian.

Brian put the Beam down on the table next to her and leaned in to see what she was holding.

Rena opened the box. She pulled out the folded piece of paper and handed it to Brian.

Brian took it and leaned back on the couch. He carefully unfolded the drawing. There, staring at him was Justin, leaning against the lamppost. Seeing the drawing again after all these years made Brian’s chest constrict.

Andy’s vision; Andy was never wrong. Tears welled in his eyes. He’s known Justin all his life, he thought ironically. Yet it didn’t change a thing.

“Andy’s visions were never wrong,” Rena’s voice broke into his thoughts.

“No. They weren’t,” he agreed.

Brian looked up at Rena, puzzlement etched into his handsome face.

“What I don’t understand Rena, is why Andy gave you the drawing?”

Rena shrugged. “I don’t know. I walked in as Andy was drawing him. I asked him who the boy was. He told me that the boy’s soul was connected to you. I asked him if he was going to give you the drawing and he said no.” Rena tilted her head a bit and squinted as if trying to recall some detail.

“Actually, he hesitated, as if trying to decide whether or not he should give it to you. Then he said no. He gave it to me. I asked him why he was giving it to me and he said because someday the boy was going to save me.” Rena leaned in and took the drawing from Brian.

“I didn’t understand what he meant at the time. I “dubbed” him my Knight in Shining Armor.” She smiled at the memory, studying the drawing.

“I remember you calling him that when I first saw the picture,” Brian recalled, leaning forward to stub out his cigarette.

She looked up at him. “What do you think Andy meant?” She asked, anxiety etched on her face.

Brian better understood Rena’s reaction at seeing Justin now. It wasn’t just seeing a face, a vision that Andy drew. It was what it meant for her. If Justin was meant to save her, then that meant something was going to happen to Rena.

“I don’t know, but I wouldn’t worry about it. You could do a lot worse than having Justin save you.” He winked at her, willing away some of her fear.

“He is hot.” She put her tongue in her cheek and smiled, imitating Brian’s famous smirk.

Brian laughed and reached over and took the metal box away from her. He looked inside and pulled out the picture of the three of them on the Monkey bars.

He had no pictures of Andy. When he left the Cardie’s, he left everything behind. He was even forced to leave Rena behind, although he did go back for her one week later. But all personal belongs were left behind in their haste to escape. He was glad Rena managed to take some items with her. This was the first time he saw Andy outside his mind in over seventeen years. He stared at the picture until his vision blurred from the tears forming in them.

Andy….

Brian shook his head. He willed the booze and pot to take over once again. He needed it to ease away the pain. Yep, he thought, sex, drugs and alcohol. Pick your poison; each excellent resources for pain management.

Rena took the picture from him and put everything back in the metal box and placed it on the table. She moved on to the couch and hugged Brian tight. They stayed like that for some time, lost in memories of Andy.

James looked on from the crack in his bedroom door.

 

*****
 

One step forward, two steps back Justin thought despondently. He watched Shane as she danced suggestively in the middle of the club with two hot guys. Neither, he was sure, was aware that she was a girl. Appearances were often deceiving, he thought cynically.

Justin leaned against the bar and took a drink of his beer. Splash was all it was reported to be. Upscale, trendy and filled with hot guys. If Justin had any fucking brains he’d just lose himself in one of them. After all, Brian approved.

Fucking Brian! Why was it always so fucking hard with him! Today, after the confrontation in Rena’s suite, they made love back in their room. And it was love; Brian even told him he loved him. But having those words come from Brian Kinney’s mouth was like a death sentence.

Immediately afterwards Brian withdrew emotionally from him. He got up and took a shower, as if to wash those thoughts from his head, those feelings from his body. Justin felt hurt used and angry. They finished unpacking and dressed in silence. Brian was cold, and distant. He remained that way when they arrived back at Rena’s.

…..“Hey, Blondie, you ready for a hot time on the town?” Shane asked as the two of them entered. Justin smiled and nodded.

“Sure. Let’s get something to eat first.” The whole time he was talking to Shane, he was watching Brian out of the corner of his eye.

Brian went over to Rena and gave her a quick kiss and hug. James was in the kitchen making a sandwich.

“What’d you say, Worm, we eating in?” Brian asked.

“Got it all planned. Thai, Beam and pot,” she said.

Brian nodded his approval. He never looked at Justin. Rena did though. She turned and looked in Justin’s eyes. Justin could feel the tension emanating from her.

“I’m sorry, Justin. With all the excitement, we haven’t had a chance to “actually” meet,” she said as she walked over to him.

Justin smiled at her as she pulled him into her arms and hugged him tightly. “I’m glad you’re finally here,” she whispered in his ear. Justin hugged her back tightly, fighting back tears.

“Justin.” Brian called his name and Justin pulled away from Rena, hope creeping into his chest. It was the first time he spoke to him since he told him he loved him.

“You’re in New York City for God sakes. Don’t disappoint me. Go out and find some hot city guys and fuck your brains out. If you find any worth bringing home, bring them back to the room,” he said flippantly. He walked over to Justin and gave him quick hot kiss, then turned his back on him.

Justin’s heart sank. One step forward, two steps back.

Justin and Shane took off…..

Justin knew Brian meant what he said. They were life partners. But Brian was also telling him that didn’t mean life would be easy. Sometimes Justin thought Brian was testing him. Actually, Brian was fucking constantly testing him. Pushing him to see how much bullshit Justin would take before he finally left Brian, which Brian thought he would eventually do anyway. The fact that Justin did do just that, leave Brian for Ethan, only reinforced Brian’s belief that Justin was going to leave him for good one day. How could Justin ever explain to Brian that though Justin might run at times, he would never forget his way home? He thought Brian understood that when he overheard his conversation with Ethan the other night.

Justin knew Brian would never leave him. Justin was it for Brian. He knew it in his soul. Just as he knew Brian was it for him. The problem was Brian believed Justin deserved better. Brian would rather be alone and miserable for the rest of his life than have Justin settle.

Justin loved Brian, but didn’t know how to break through Brian’s self loathing. At least now, he consoled himself, he knew part of where that self-loathing stemmed from. His past with Andy and Rena were a big part of why Brian suffered with such low self-esteem issues. As Ted would say, knowing what the problem is was half the battle. With Rena’s help, maybe, he could help Brian heal from his past.
 

“Hey, Justin,” Shane came over to him breathless and sweaty from dancing. “Get me a drink.” Her voice was low and harsh. He noticed she used it the moment they walked into the bar. Shane liked playing the “boy”. Justin was concerned it was going to get her into big trouble one day.

Justin turned around and ordered a Corona for her.

“Hey, cock tease!” A man’s angry voice came from behind Justin.

Justin turned to see the guy Shane was dancing with. His comment was directed at Shane.

“Fuck off,” she said and laughed in his face.

Not good, Justin thought.

“What’s the matter, boy? Can’t handle a real man?” he taunted.

“What part of fuck off didn’t you understand?” Shane spat out then turned her back on him and took the Corona off the bar.

Justin looked over her shoulder at the guy. He was big, and horny. Justin knew Shane wasn’t going to get out of this one easily.

The man grabbed Shane’s arm. His voice turned coaxing. “Come on, you can’t expect me to just give up on a hot little number like you, can you?” I’ll make you scream. You’ll love it.” He boasted in a smooth voice.

Justin saw the gleam in Shane’s eyes and braced himself.

“Ok, Stud, I’ll let you fuck me. My ass is as tight as any virgin’s,” she bragged.

Justin was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“But you’ll have to blow my friend here first,” she added.

And there it was. Justin sighed.

“Shane, leave me the fuck out of this. I got enough trouble of my own.”

“Come on, Jus, you fucking deserve it. Fucking Brian practically made you promise to get laid. The least you can do is get blown.” Shane was relentless.

“No,” he said.

“Fine,” Shane said backing off.

“Hey, I understand. Next time Brian is fucking some trick you can just hold his coat for him. Better yet, just hold his cock for him. He’d like that better I’m sure,” Shane goaded.

Fuck her! Justin thought, and Fuck Brian for putting him in this position.

“FINE!” Justin said. He looked at the guy. “Where’s the back room?” he asked and Shane smiled.

The guy looked confused. He never actually agreed to blow anyone, but hey, this blond was cute, and if it meant he could get into the hot boy’s ass, then what the hell.

They went into the back room. It was much like the back room at Babylon Justin thought; dark, dank, and filled with moans. They made their way to an empty spot towards the rear. Justin leaned back against the wall and pulled his zipper down.

The trick dropped to his knees and took Justin’s cock out and proceeded to suck him.

Justin turned his head away. Sick with the display and with himself.

He heard Shane whisper in his ear, “Let it go, Justin. When it comes down to it, it’s all about the moment, isn’t it? Whatever is between you and Brian isn’t going to get solved by denying yourself some pleasure. Don’t let his shit become your shit.” Shane rested her head on Justin’s shoulder and watched the trick suck him off.

Justin took Shane’s advice. Fuck it. There was a warm mouth, right now, sucking him off. That’s all he was going to think about.

He closed his eyes and gave over to the feeling. This was what Brian must feel when he fucks to ease his pain. Funny, Justin thought, it does work. Couldn’t really think of much when you were ready to to... to... to…Arghhhhhh…

Justin grabbed the guys’ head and rammed his cock down his throat. The guy was good. He swallowed all of Justin.

Justin drifted back to reality slowly. The warm mouth was gone now. For that brief moment, he felt good. All the pain was gone. He looked over to see Shane bent over a bench; the trick was ramming her ass hard. She was lost in her own world of pleasure.

He shook his head. Pain management; another lesson learned from the Kinney operating manual.
 

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