Before There Was You, There Was You

Chapter 11

“Time is not a great healer. It is an indifferent and perfunctory one. Sometimes it does not heal at all. And sometimes when it seems to, no healing has been necessary.”—Ivy Compton-Burnett

*****

"Brian, Brian, where are you?” Andy called between fits of coughing. Brian reached over and took his hand.

“I’m right here, Andy. Shh …”

“Where's Rena?” Andy wheezed

“I’m right beside Brian.” Rena’s voice cracked.

“Send her away, Brian,” Andy said. He started coughing violently.

Brian turned to Rena. Her chest was heaving from her sobs.

“Go.” Brian whispered to her. She shook her head no.

“Rena, you're just making it harder on him. Go,” Brian said more firmly as he lifted Andy’s head and placed another pillow under it. Andy's coughing subsided a bit.

Rena wiped her eyes with the back of her sleeve, sniffing loudly. She reached over and kissed her brother on the mouth. “I love you,” she whispered. “I'll always love you!” Brian tried to pull her away.

“Wait,” Andy rasped. Rena leaned in closer so he wouldn’t have to strain his voice, causing another coughing fit.

“Listen to me, Worm, are you listening?” Andy whispered.

“Yes, I’m listening.” Rena’s face was very close to Andy’s.

“Take care of Brian. He’s going to need you when I’m gone.” He reached up to pull her head closer so he could whisper in her ear.

“Do you still have the drawing of the blond boy under the lamppost?” he asked. Rena just nodded her head yes.

"Don’t forget him. When he comes, Rena, listen to him. Don’t be stubborn, promise me.” Andy was getting weaker.

Fresh tears formed in Rena’s eyes. “I promise, I swear.” She said, and then broke down.

“Oh God, NOOOOOOO, please don’t die, Andy, pleaseee!” Rena threw her small body over his, trying to protect him from death.

Brian wrapped his arms around her, comforting her while pulling her off Andy. He whispered in her ear, “Go, Rena, now. Go and say your prayers. Pray to Mama, tell her to be ready. Andy’s coming home,” Brian said for her benefit.

Maria was a very religious woman and she'd instilled her strong faith in both her children.

Brian had lost his faith a long time ago.

Rena left the room. Brian turned back to Andy. They sat in silence for a few minutes. Andy’s breathing was becoming more and more labored; the drugs were no longer working. He was dying a very painful death. But Andy was strong, and death was taking its time. Brian silently cursed God for causing such an innocent, beautiful young man all this pain. Why? Usually Brian never asked why but he was asking now. He needed an answer.

Andy reached over and took Brian’s hand in his.

“Brian, I know you'll take care of Rena,” he said.

Brian brought Andy’s hand up to his lips and kissed it. “You don’t have to worry about her. I’ll protect her with my life, I swear,” he said.

Andy gave him a sad smile. “I’m so sorry, Brian. You’ve sacrificed so much for us. You’ve had so little happiness and so much sorrow. I fear it'll be a long time before you are truly happy again.” He started to cough again.

“Shh …” Brian said. “You’re making yourself worse. Don’t ever be sorry for anything. I would gladly wear your pain if I could. Don’t you know I love you?”

Andy tried to take a deep breath. “I know you do. I’ve known for some time now.” Andy squeezed Brian’s hand in acknowledgement.

Brian turned his head away, ashamed. He'd never wanted Andy to know the depth of his feelings for him. Brian loved Andy more than as a brother. Andy was his first love; Brian had had a crush on him since he was 10.

He would never have crossed that line though; Andy considered Brian his brother. And Andy was straight, which made what Emilian did to him so much worse. Not for the first time, Brian wished it was him, instead of Andy, who had attracted Emilian’s attention.

“Brian, don’t ever be ashamed of your feelings, ever. Promise me,” Andy pleaded.

Brian turned back to him and smiled. “That obvious, huh?” he said lightheartedly.

Andy smiled weakly, “No, that devoted. Your devotion to me has been above and beyond that of brotherly love.”

Brian was getting uncomfortable with the conversation. “You should rest,” he said.

Andy sighed deeply. “No. I need to say some things to you before I go.”

Brian could no longer stop the tears from falling from his eyes. “I’m listening, Andy,” he said.

“I'm not the one for you, Brian. He has yet to come. In time. You’ll know him the minute you see him.”

Andy pointed to the table where the glass of water sat.

Brian reached over and grabbed the glass, raising Andy’s head so he could take a sip. When he was done, Brian laid his head gently back against the pillow.

Brian’s tears were falling freely now. Andy continued.

“You’re stubborn like your sister.” Andy sighed. “Remember nothing worth having comes easy.”

Andy pulled Brian’s hand to his chest. Tears formed in his eyes.

“I cannot repay all you’ve done for me and all you'll continue to do for Rena. I have no right to ask, but I have one more favor to ask of you.”

Andy was choking up with his emotions, which sent him into another coughing fit.

Brian lifted him up. “Anything, I’ll do anything, just ask, Andy.”

The coughing fit was over for the moment. Andy looked at the table.

“Give me the syringe,” he said.

Brian froze. He knew exactly what Andy was asking.

Time stood still. Brian didn’t move.

“Brian, if you love me, as I believe you do, then give me the syringe,” Andy said again.

“I can’t,” Brian choked.

“Then get out!” Andy spat.

Brian gasped. “No!” He cried. “Andy, you can’t do that! You know it’s a sin. You kill yourself and you’ll go to hell. You told me that yourself. What would Mama think?” Brian was desperate.

“THIS is hell, Brian,” Andy said with more conviction than Brian thought he was capable of.

“I can see my own death, Brian, and it will not be tonight unless I do it. I'll linger like this, and worse, for days. I can’t take it. I WON’T!” Andy was determined. Brian saw it in his eyes.

He didn’t know what to do. He sat there in the dark with Andy, struggling to find answers from somewhere. Then suddenly an eerie calm settled over him and he knew what he had to do.

Brian reached over and picked up the syringe and the bottle of morphine. He filled the syringe to double the amount he usually gave Andy.

Andy watched him closely. Brian turned towards him and Andy lifted his arm out for Brian to take. Brian leaned in and kissed Andy softly on his mouth. He held the kiss for what seemed like an eternity. Andy never moved.

“I love you,” Brian whispered against Andy's mouth.

“And your love just saved me. Thank you.” Andy whispered. “I will be able to see Mama now.” There were tears in Andy’s eyes.

Brian gave Andy the lethal dose of morphine. It was like he was watching himself from a distance. Nothing seemed real. All he knew was he couldn’t let Andy kill himself, not with Andy’s strong beliefs, and he couldn’t let him suffer any more.

Andy’s eyes started to drift closed. He looked very peaceful.

“I’m sorry it had to be you, Brian.” Andy wheezed. “Promise me, no regrets …”

Brian watched Andy slip over to the other side. A look of complete bliss covered his face. Brian thought he never looked more beautiful.

“No regrets," he whispered.

He covered Andy and stood up to turn around.

Rena stood behind him. Her eyes wide, in shock. Brian opened his arms and she ran into them, crying.

They embraced each other as their tears fell freely. Rena spoke into his chest.

“I’m glad you it was you, Brian. Andy wanted it to be you.” They left the room together.

 

*****
 

Brian bolted up in bed shaking and breathing heavily, sweat covering his body. Justin came awake immediately. He rubbed Brian's back, whispering soothing words, trying to calm him from his nightmare. Brian was still lost somewhere between his dream and consciousness. He threw his legs over the bed and walked out of the bedroom. Justin followed.

Justin watched him take the Jim Beam down from the cupboard and drink straight from the bottle. This dream must have been a bad one. Justin was not surprised. Rena coming back had awakened some pretty bad memories for Brian. Justin’s heart ached from all he'd heard tonight. He couldn’t imagine how Brian must be feeling. What was worse, he didn’t know how to help Brian.

Brian had come home from Debbie’s looking tired. Justin had made some pasta fried in garlic oil. It was the best he could do with the limited amount of food Brian kept at the loft. An old box of spaghetti, a small bottle of imported olive oil and some garlic powder;it would have to do. It was after seven so Justin doubted Brian would eat it anyway.

“Hey,” Brian said as he walked into the loft, throwing his keys on the kitchen counter.

“Hey. How’d it go with Michael?” Justin asked.

Brian walked over to the couch and sat down heavily. He didn’t answer Justin.

“I made some pasta. You hungry?” Justin asked.

“It’s after seven. You know I don’t eat carbs after seven.”

Of course, Justin thought.

“Come here and sit with me. I have something to tell you,” Brian said.

Justin went and sat by Brian. He curled up into him and listened while Brian told him the whole story of the Cardies, Rena, and what happened to Andy. When he got to the part where he went out tricking for drugs for Andy, Justin cried. He couldn’t believe Brian had had this whole other life as a child that no one but he and Michael knew about.

Justin had a new respect for Michael, albeit begrudgingly. Michael had been giving him a really hard time for leaving Brian, but now he understood how deep Michael’s loyalty was to Brian and why.

When Brian finished his story he got off the couch and went over to the window. He lit a cigarette and stared out onto the street below. Justin remained on the couch. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know how he felt. It was a lot to take in. His heart ached for Brian and the youth he had lost. It made sense to him now why Brian was always insisting that Justin not waste his youth.

Justin learned so much more about what happened from Brian’s tone than from his actual words. Though Brian never said it, Justin knew Brian loved Andy more than a brother. His voice, his inflection when he mentioned Andy’s named caught a bit in the back of his throat. Justin was too in tune to Brian not to notice that.

“I won’t love again because I can’t take the pain when it’s gone.”

Those were the words Brian had said to him earlier when Justin was using his “pain management” to get him to open up. Justin couldn’t image the pain Brian must have felt when Andy died. In the end, all that Brian went through couldn’t save Andy. Justin knew, and he was sure Rena and Andy knew, that what Brian did was save Andy from a lot of pain. He'd sacrificed himself so Andy wouldn’t suffer.

That was love. But he knew Brian. And he knew Brian believed he had failed Andy.

Justin also knew that while Andy lived, Brian loved and believed in love, and when Andy got sick and died Brian stopped believing in love and in himself.

Justin was overwhelmed by the enormity of what this meant for them. It meant that Justin had his work cut out for him.

“Did I leave you speechless, Sunshine?” Brian asked. He had his back to Justin, with smoke from his cigarette drifting up around him.

“Jesus, Brian, I wouldn’t know where to begin,” he paused then added, “I always wondered why you continued to see Jack after all he did to you. I guess you felt that, compared to Emilian, Jack wasn’t so bad.”

Brian laughed sardonically. “Yeah, I guess you’re right.” It didn’t surprise Brian anymore how much Justin was on to him. No one knew him as well as Justin. He turned around to look at him.

Justin saw the battle in his eyes. Self-loathing was setting in and Justin needed to diffuse it before it resulted with him being thrown out. Again.

“I’m not letting you go there, Brian. So don’t even think it!’ Justin stood up and faced Brian.

“What? It’s the truth. Ethan was right, your boyfriend’s a whore,” Brian sneered.

Justin smiled brightly at that. Brian stepped back, a bit surprised at Justin’s reaction. It was NOT what he expected.

“What?” he asked cautiously.

“You just called yourself my boyfriend,” Justin said, smilingly more brightly, if that were possible.

Brian sighed loudly. “Of all the …” Justin threw himself at Brian, cutting off his words with a kiss.

Brian melted into Justin and deepened the kiss. He'd just told the blond that he had another life as a child, that he was a prostitute, bought and did drugs at thirteen, kidnapped a young girl, and got his best friend involved which could have landed him in jail. And of all that, Justin had chosen to focus on being called Brian’s boyfriend. He shook himself mentally. He really didn’t deserve Justin.

Brian hugged Justin tight to him. Justin could feel the relief flood through his body. Brian moved away and held Justin at arm's length.

“There is something else you should know. Deb and Vic know, it was after Rena’s aunt came and took her away,” Brian said solemnly.

Justin looked at him with those beautiful blue eyes. “Tell me,” he said.

Brian took his hand and led him back to the couch. He sat down and pulled Justin onto his lap.

“After Rena left, I lost it. I was so busy taking care of Andy, then taking care of Rena, that I didn’t have time to process all that had happened. Then one day she was gone and I realized I had just lost my entire family.” Brian paused

Justin leaned his head on Brian’s shoulder, silently waiting for Brian to continue.

“I ran off. I hitched a ride back to New York, where I proceeded to lose myself in sex, drugs and alcohol. I was fifteen. One night I tricked for this guy who gave me some shit. Let's just say it wasn’t what he said it was. I wound up in the emergency room. I had no identification, and I wasn’t talking to anyone. So they put me in rehab. They called Social Services and I was thrown in Juvie Hall. They said I was the type to run. No use in wasting good foster care on me.” Brian made an unintelligent sound.

“So I told them I had an uncle Vic. And gave them Vic’s number.”

Brian ran his hand up Justin’s leg. Justin squirmed in his lap.

“Vic came and got you out?” Justin asked.

“No. He came, but they wouldn’t let him take me back with him. He didn’t have proof that he was related to me. He told me he had to call my father; it was the only way I could be released from Juvie. I told him fuck no, I'd rather rot in jail, but he promised me that I wouldn’t have to go back to that house. He told me he'd talked to Deb and they agreed I could live with them. I took the deal.”

“I didn’t know you lived with Deb.”

“Just for a little while. I was sixteen by then. I got a part-time job and moved into a shit hole that was shared by four college students. I paid some rent and ran errands for them. So it worked out. Soon I graduated from high school and went to college. The rest, you know.” Brian ended the story by bringing his hand up and cupping Justin’s balls.

Justin turned his face into Brian’s neck and nipped him. Brian moaned.

“Let's go to bed,” Brian said. “I have a feeling we’re not going to get much sleep tonight and we have a big day tomorrow.” Brian swatted Justin’s ass to get him off his lap.

Justin got up and pulled Brian with him. He let out a sad sigh.

“What’s the matter, Sunshine? You want to talk more?” Brian asked, concern heavy in his voice.

“No, well, it’s just that … I wish I could ... I feel like ... never mind.” Justin shook his head and pulled Brian towards the bedroom.

Brian held him back. He knew what Justin was saying. There were so many secrets Brian had kept from Justin. Yet, Michael, Deb and Vic knew things he didn’t. Brian knew Justin felt betrayed somehow. The truth was that no one was closer to Brian than Justin—not even Michael.

Loving Justin and loving Michael was like loving Rena and loving Andy—two very different kinds of love. With Justin, it was even more than that. Andy was right. Justin WAS the one for him. He'd known it that night he saw Justin under the lamppost. Andy’s drawing had flashed in his head. But even if he had never seen that drawing, he would have known Justin belonged to him, their connection was that strong. Brian was just too stubborn to admit it at the time. Andy was right about that too.

“Justin, wait,” Brian said. Justin turned around and looked at him.

“I’ve never told anyone this.” Justin waited. “Andy had visions.”

Justin looked confused. “What kind of visions?” He asked.

“You know, visions, premonitions,” Brian explained.

Justin was intrigued. “Really?”

Brian pulled Justin close to him. He brought his hands up and cupped Justin’s face between them. He leaned in and softly kissed his lips.

“I saw you before I ever met you,” Brian said, willing Justin to believe him with his eyes. Justin saw the deep emotion and truth in them.

“Andy drew a picture of you standing under that lamppost. He gave it to Rena. I saw it in her drawer one day when I was thirteen.”

Justin’s eyes grew wide, and then suddenly they welled up with tears.

“Jesus, Brian,” Justin whispered.

Brian kissed him with all the love he never could express with words, but Justin heard him loud and clear. They went to bed and made love.

Several hours later Justin stood in the kitchen watching Brian drown himself in booze over a nightmare.

Brian lowered the bottle and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. He looked over at Justin. He saw his lover looking at him with all the love that Brian knew he would never deserve.

He wondered how Justin would feel if he knew Brian was a murderer.
 

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