Angel Eyes

Chapter 6

WARNING: Mentions past suicide attempt.

Justin stood nervously at the back of the class. He would be kidding himself if he didn’t admit he was terrified. He kept checking the door every couple seconds to see if Brian had arrived yet. Ben walked over to Justin.

“You look like you’d rather be anywhere but here. Hey, that’s how the kids usually feel so you should fit right in.”

Justin cracked a nervous smile. “I’ll feel better once Brian get’s here, he’s probably just running late.”

“You still have an out, Justin. You don’t have to speak.”

Justin shook his head. “No, I wouldn’t do that to you, Ben. I warn you though, I can’t promise that I won’t faint or puke or possibly both.”

Warm arms encircled Justin from behind. Justin caught a whiff of Brian’s scent that was uniquely his. He melted into Brian’s embrace and instantly felt better.

“Such a drama princess.” Brian kissed him on the cheek.

Justin turned around quickly and hugged him. “You finally made it.”

“Yeah, sorry if I worried you; traffic was a bitch.”

The three of them moved to the front of the class. Brian took a seat in front next to Justin. He was impeccably dressed in his pinstriped Armani suit. Ben stood at the podium waiting for the last few stragglers. When the class got settled Ben introduced Justin.

“Today we have a special guest speaker. He’s a good friend of mine who I begged and pleaded with to come and speak to you. Please give him your full attention as you would me. May I present Justin Taylor, artist, author and might I add one amazing young man.”

Justin squeezed Brian’s hand for support then went to stand by Ben at the podium.

“Wow, thanks Ben, for that amazing introduction. I didn’t know you cared.” Justin heard a few chuckles. “Hi, I’m Justin Taylor. How many of you want to be here this afternoon? Cuz I know I sure don’t.” He heard more chuckles and smiled. “Boy, I shouldn’t have put off speaking to one of Professor Bruckner’s classes. It might have been easier speaking to you blind, then I could pretend I was speaking to an empty room. I’ll admit public speaking is not my favorite, so bear with me here. The way I understand it is Professor Bruckner wanted me to come in and share parts of my life with you.

“I’m not from Pittsburgh. I grew up in sunny California. I knew fairly early on that I was gay but I didn’t come out to my parents till I was 16. My father was less than pleased. He divorced my mother soon after and I haven’t talked to him since. I came out in school when I was 17. That probably wasn’t the smartest thing to do, even in California. There is hate everywhere. I was teased, harassed and bullied. Nothing was done; the administration looked the other way. Shortly after I graduated I was walking home one night.” Justin gripped the podium harder. Brian wanted to go to him but remained seated.

“One of my classmates hit me in the head with a baseball bat. I was in a coma for 12 days.” He heard sounds of sympathy throughout the room.

“That was one of the worst years of my life and one I’ll never forget. I had my whole life ahead of me and in one swing of a bat my life was forever changed. I was so happy to be done with high school; I was already enrolled at UCLA for visual arts. I’m an artist; painting and sketching are my life. When I awoke from the coma I was blind and I thought my life was over. All my dreams had been for nothing. I was angry, upset, frustrated, miserable, depressed. Pretty much every negative emotion one could possibly feel, I felt. I suffered horrible migraines and terrifying nightmares. It’s been almost 3 years and I still get the occasional migraine. I also don’t like to be in crowded places.”

Justin took a sip of water that had been provided for him. So far so good.

“So, let’s see, I was blind. I had to give up college and the one thing I loved above all else, my art. If I can’t draw or paint I’m not happy. I had to go through a class for the blind; they teach you how to get around, how to keep track of where you put things. Before I was blind I was a very messy person. Being blind taught me in so many ways to be neat. I hate to lose things and I’m not fond of tripping and falling on my ass, which I did a lot of that first year.

“My attacker was caught and only sentenced to 500 hours of community service. That was like another bat to the head. I was not in a good place mentally and that sentence was the final straw.” Justin paused making a decision. “I wasn’t going to talk about this but what the hell. I might as well lay myself bare. This is something even Professor Bruckner doesn’t know. If listening to my story helps even one of you then it will be worth it. I decided to take my own life.” Justin held up his wrist with the bracelet on it.

Ben darted a look at Brian.

“I slashed my wrist but my mother found me in time. In the long run I’m glad she did.” Justin looked at Brian. “If she hadn’t I would have missed out on some of the best times in my life. I got therapy and it did help me. It took time but I started accepting my new life. I finished my class for the blind and I got one of my best friends and companions. No, I’m not talking about a guy, at least not yet.” Justin grinned. “I got Logan, a yellow Lab. I couldn’t be depressed around him even if I tried; he wouldn’t let me. He’s a very smart and intelligent dog. 

“I began painting again and it was a very slow and tedious task at first. I went by what I saw in my mind’s eye. I did tons of abstracts. From the very beginning I abandoned the paint brush. It was just too hard to tell where I was on the canvas. I kept running off the edges, so I used my fingers, very messy but effective. I’ve had a small showing of my work in California and sold a few pieces of my work. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I have a gallery show here in Pittsburgh.

“As much as I wanted to I couldn’t survive on my art alone, at least not yet. I took a class in therapeutic and erotic massage. I got a job at Inn Exile, that’s a gay male resort. I was their massage therapist and I was damn good at my job. Being blind heightens your sense of touch. I’m also the author of Taylor’s Tales. I’ve written over ten children’s books, nearly all of them are gay themed and deal with children of same sex marriages. The books have done quite well. There is a market for them. Being blind was frustrating when you could see all your life and then to have that taken away. The books were a form of entertainment to keep me busy.

“I suddenly had all these stories floating around in my head. I used a tape recorder to get down my thoughts then I passed the tapes on to a fellow author and friend who transcribed the tapes for me. She became my editor. I also had a hand in the art work in my books. While I didn’t do the art work, I did have a lot of input.”

Justin smiled with great affection at Brian.

“I had only been working at the resort a year when the unthinkable happened; I fell in love with one of my clients. I think we fell pretty hard for each other. I did have some reservations about getting into a relationship; it was a challenge to trust the other person completely. Brian has always made it easy to love and to trust him. We have a wonderful relationship and are partners. I moved to Pittsburgh to be with him.”

Justin motioned for Brian to come up and join him. Brian went and stood by Justin’s side. Justin twined his hand with Brian’s.

“My partner, Brian Kinney, he took time out of his busy day to come here and make sure I didn’t freak out. Isn’t he sweet?”

There were catcalls and whistles of appreciation. Brian stood there smirking, enjoying the praise.

“Well, by now some of you are probably very curious as to how I got my sight back after being blind for two and a half years. Soon after I moved in with Brian someone attacked me. In one of those attacks I fell and hit my head on a counter. Just like that, a miracle. I got my sight back. It’s ironic that a blow to the head took my sight then another restored it.

“The guy who attacked me is in jail. Now I’m just trying to move forward with my life. I’ve gone back to sketching people since that was always my favorite. I would have to say my biggest accomplishment is getting into art school, again. It’s what I’ve wanted from the beginning. I attend PIFA. And the other important thing in my life is my relationship with Brian. I hold these two things close to my heart.”

Brian took a seat as Justin followed through with a question and answer segment. He was very proud of Justin. Just listening to Justin speak confirmed what Brian had always known, that Justin was an intelligent and brave young man. He found even more respect for him.

Ben leaned over and murmured, “I had no idea that Justin tried to take his own life.”

“Yeah, well, we all do stupid things at one time or another. I’m sure he had his reasons for revealing that part of his life. I’d appreciate it if you kept that knowledge to yourself, especially from Mikey.”

“Don’t worry; I won’t say a word.”

The class ended and most of the students start filing out. Justin noticed one guy hanging back shyly. The guy was extremely good looking, taller than himself and also blonde. They ended up approaching each other at the same time. They exchanged a few words and shook hands while Brian looked on.

Finally Justin bounced over to Brian. “I did it.” He smiled happily.

“That you did, Angel. I knew you could do it. I’m so proud of you.”

Justin blushed crimson. “Thanks, it helped having you here.”

Brian looped his arm around Justin. “Come on, let’s get out of this joint.”

The alarm went off and Justin groaned, burrowing deeper under the duvet. Brian reached over the warm lump that was Justin to switch off the alarm. Justin snuggled against Brian’s chest keeping his eyes firmly shut.

“We have to get up,” Brian murmured in Justin’s ear.

“Don’t wanna,” Justin grumbled.

When Justin felt the duvet being tugged away from him he thought it was Brian. As he squinted he discovered it was Logan taking away his warm cocoon.

Justin groaned. “It’s a conspiracy. Logan, what the hell are you doing up? You love to sleep in. Why are you torturing me like this?”

Brian chuckled. “He’s just doing his part to see you off to school. Come on, let’s shower. You get it ready while I start the coffee.”

When Brian stepped in the shower behind Justin he began to wash his lover’s hair. Justin smiled under the warm spray of water. He moaned softly.

“I love it when you wash my hair.”

Brian leaned down and murmured next to his ear, “I couldn’t resist.”

Justin laughed. “Who knew you had a hair fetish.”

Brian popped him one on his plump slick ass cheek.

“Ow! Hey,” Justin protested.

When they were done playing in the shower they quickly dried off and got dressed for the day.

Brian had a cup of coffee waiting for Justin in the kitchen. Justin accepted the mug gratefully. He glanced over at Logan’s bed and snorted.

“Of course, fucker went back to bed after waking me up.”

Brian looped his arm around Justin’s waist. “Come on, you can exact revenge on Logan later. Let’s get going or we’ll be late.

When mid afternoon rolled around Justin went to his drawing class. He was really enjoying the class. Every day he looked forward to a new assignment. Today the assignment was to draw the model, but the twist was to give the piece a whimsical look. That amused Justin to no end. He drew the model from the side and gave him big elaborate fairy wings. When the professor made her rounds she stopped at Justin’s easel.

“Excellent work, Justin.”

He smiled up at her brightly. “Thanks.”

He went back to sketching a few trees and little wildflowers. Justin rubbed his eyes as the drawing before him grew blurry. Sometimes he got tired in the afternoon. Usually it wouldn’t last long and he’d perk right back up later. Justin was busy concentrating on drawing a little dragon fly next to a patch of daisies when his vision got worse. Everything was gray and fuzzy, then dimmed.

Justin tried to stay calm as his vision faded to black. He set his pencil down but missed the tray and it clattered to the floor. A few people looked up but then went back to their drawings. Justin gripped his knees tightly fighting to stay calm and hoping like hell his vision would come back soon. In the past couple weeks he’d had a few blackouts. They never lasted long and his vision always returned. He hadn’t said anything to Brian; he didn’t want to worry him. At first he thought it was nothing, some aftereffects of hitting his head. Now he feared he was losing his sight again and he was terrified.

The class let out a moment later and Justin began to panic. The girl sitting next to Justin touched his shoulder. He jumped startled.

“Justin, are you alright?”

“Well, I’ve had better days,” Justin said with a shaky voice. “I… please help me. I seem to have misplaced my sight at the moment.” He laughed a little to keep from crying.

As Anne packed up her stuff and Justin’s as well, he explained, “I used to be blind but recently I got my sight back. I thought it was permanent. I guess the joke’s on me,” Justin said bitterly.

“Oh man, that sucks.”

“Yeah, and not in a positive, life affirming way.”

Anne looped her arm through Justin’s and led him out of the classroom. By the time they reached the front of the building his sight was returning.

He thanked Anne for all her help. Cynthia was waiting for him in the parking lot. Justin was relieved that it wasn’t Brian; he would know something was wrong instantly. After his scare today he would have to tell Brian, just not now, not yet.

“Justin, are you alright?” Cynthia asked with concern in her voice.

“Yeah, it’s just been a long day. I’m kinda tired.”

Cynthia had a feeling Justin wasn’t being completely honest with her but she said nothing.

Justin made it inside the loft before his vision dimmed once more. He threw his bag down on the sofa in frustration. Logan was on his guard; he could feel his master’s agitation. Justin picked up a picture of him and Brian, staring at it intently. The images were fuzzy but he could still make out Brian. The picture wasn’t taken that long ago. They were at the Munchers visiting Gus. Lindsay took the picture. He sat the picture down and wiped a stray tear away. Why couldn’t he ever catch a break? He didn’t know if he could stand living in the darkness again, never seeing Brian’s beautiful face smiling at him.

He headed for the bathroom. Logan followed him but kept his distance. Justin splashed cool water on his face. He looked up into the mirror at his hazy reflection. He gripped the basin till his knuckles turned white. With a burst of anger and pent up emotions he lashed out at the mirror. Justin slammed his fist against the mirror. It cracked and shattered all around him. He sunk to the floor and began to sob. Logan went to Justin’s side. He was mindful of the shiny bits. Justin felt his arm being nudged by a big fuzzy head.

“No, Logan, get out of here. You’ll hurt yourself.”

When Logan refused to abandon his master Justin threw his arms around Logan’s neck. He buried his face in the thick fur and sobbed. Justin took all the comfort Logan could give him.

When Cynthia got back to the office, she knocked on Brian’s door.

“Hey Cyn, what’s up?”

“I think you should go home, Brian.”

Brian was instantly alert. “What? Why?”

Cynthia shrugged helplessly. “It’s just a feeling I have. Justin was pretty quiet on the way to the loft. Usually he’s a regular little chatterbox. He said he was just tired, but I think it’s more than that.”

Brian had already shut down his computer and grabbed his coat. He was out the door by the time Cynthia finished speaking. Dread seeped into his veins. He drove at breakneck speeds to get to the loft. He wouldn’t feel better till he had Justin in his arms.

Return to Angel Eyes