Together

Chapter 8

Getting to know you


Justin looked at the clock. It was 8:30. He stretched, loving the feeling of his clean skin on the clean sheets. He smiled. Even after the shower in the middle of the night, there were still some sparkles on his skin. One of Brian’s arms was across his ribs and one of his legs on top of his.

Brian had been so cute last night. A bit drunk, and high too, and totally in love. All over him all night, telling guys who he thought came too close to Justin, “My Sunshine. Find your own,” even though most of them were trying to hit on him and not Justin.

He had actually dropped to his knees in the middle of the dance floor to give Justin a blowjob, and it had been so fucking good. Brandon and Todd had laughed and kept dancing, one on each side of Brian, until Justin had come down his throat. Brian had gotten back up, and kissed him deeply. “I’m going to keep you so satisfied, you’ll never want to fuck another guy…”

Close to midnight, all four of them had gone to the lounge where Justin, for the first time ever, had gotten fucked in a public place. Justin had closed his eyes to forget his surroundings, concentrating on the man he loved, and had come in the middle of the last ten seconds countdown, feeling Brian follow him immediately. Todd had sprayed the wall at “Happy New Year”, and Brandon must have been right with him because soon they were kissing, just like Justin and Brian.

The four of them had kept dancing and goofing off till 1:30 in the morning, when Brian had told Justin, incredibly early by his normal standards, that he wanted to go home. They had taken a cab, Brian holding Justin for the short ride, had kissed and rubbed against each other in the elevator and had fucked in the shower, face to face, Brian holding Justin up under his ass with Justin’s legs around his waist, kissing him the whole time, pumping into him fast and furious, and coming with a growl as soon as Justin did.

They had changed the sheets and gone to bed, Justin feeling so sated he thought he might never want to fuck again.

Now, six hours later, he woke up with his usual morning wood, but his ass was pretty sore. He looked over at Brian, gorgeous as always despite last night’s excesses, yawned and went back to sleep.

At ten, when he woke up again he was alone in bed. He could hear the pages of the newspaper being turned in the living room area. He got up, put on some boxers and some sweats, an undershirt and his blue hoody. The loft felt a little chilly.

He padded quietly into the living room, where Brian, also in sweats, was reading the business section of the New York Times, drinking his coffee out of the carafe, as apparently was his habit.

Justin went to the kitchen, took two half bagels out of the freezer and toasted them.

“Are those bagels?” asked Brian.

“Yes. Do you want one?”

“Do you have whole wheat?”

“Yes.” He had noticed, the only time he’d had breakfast here, that Brian’s bagels were whole wheat. So that’s what he’d bought.

“Great.”

Justin retrieved two more halves from the freezer. “I have nonfat cream cheese.”

“You do?” This time Brian put down the paper and turned.

“And I’m going to slice a tomato and some cucumber for mine. Want some?”

Brian put down the paper and joined him in the kitchen.

“Sounds good.”

Two minutes later, they were each sitting in front of toasted bagels, with cream cheese, tomato and cucumber. Justin was starving. They had skipped dinner and though Brian’s meal replacement technique was fun, he needed to eat.

“I’m getting the art and leisure. You want the business back?”

Brian chewed and swallowed his bite, pulled Justin to him and gave him a kiss.

“Good morning, Sunshine.”

Justin smiled. “Good morning.”

“I’m just going to concentrate on how good this tastes. I’ll read again after I’m done. Keep me company?”

“Sure.” Justin actually was not keen on reading while he ate, but had not wanted to prevent Brian for doing so. Why was it so easy for Brian to say what he wanted, and so easy for Justin to sacrifice his preference to try to please Brian? He remembered what Brian had said to him in the shower yesterday. He had to cut that shit out.

“Any plans, today, Justin?”

“I haven’t even thought beyond breakfast yet,” he said, pouring himself some cereal and milk, his bagel gone. Brian was still on the first half of his, savoring each bite. “You?”

“I thought we could move you in.” Brian drank some coffee.

“You mean get all my stuff from the brownstone and bring it here?”

“Yes.”

Justin looked around. The place was spotless, perfect. He didn’t have much, and what he had furniture-wise was second hand stuff he was not particularly attached too. But there was the rest of his clothes, his schoolbooks, his art supplies, his CD collection, his books, his bike, his drawings, the quilt Nehama had made him when he was in the hospital, his skis and ski stuff, his camping gear…

“Huh… Where are we going to put it? I don’t want to mess up your place. It’s so… pristine.”

“Justin. I asked you to move in. You said yes. It’s our place. You tell me you don’t like white and chrome, the stuff is gone. OK?”

“But you own it. I’m sure my entire salary at Plexus doesn’t even cover the mortgage.“

“Ratio.”

“Come again?”

Brian had whipped out his palm pilot and was doing some calculations. “My mortgage payment is… 17% of my monthly income. Charges, electricity, water, sewer, gas, cleaning service, cable, Internet, phone, another… 14%. That's 31%.”

He looked up at Justin to make sure he was following. “Your income is $ 37000 per annum, $3083 per month. 31% is $956. You pay that per month and we’re even.”

“I make more than that. I sell paintings once in a while.”

“And the months that you do, you can throw 31% of that into the rent. We both know that even if you sold a lot of paintings, right now, you still couldn’t go 50/50. A ratio system is as fair as we can get as this time.”

$956 was pretty steep. That was two and a half times what he’d been paying at the brownstone, which had included food. But he could afford it, and this would be his home. Not just Brian’s. At least psychologically.

Justin smiled. “OK. I like the white and chrome. Is it ok if I add some stuff though?”

“It’s your place, Justin. You have complete amnesty for anything you already own. Whatever you buy after that, or I buy, we have to both like. OK?”

“Can I hang some pictures?”

“We have to hang mine first,” said Brian, smiling. “But yes, of course you can hang some pictures.”

“We’ll need to stop at Pratt. There is one I like, there.”

Brian was done with his bagel. “Come here,” he said, walking to the bedroom. Justin’s cock jumped in his sweats, eager little thing. But in the bedroom, Brian just opened some drawers. Empty drawers. And a portion of the wardrobe. Empty as well.

“Brian, where are your clothes?”

“I had Jam, our cleaning lady, put my overcoats in the entrance closet and reorganize things a little.” He opened his portion of the wardrobe and his drawers. Nothing looked crowded or out of place.

“Also,” he said, “I’ve been thinking.” He walked with Justin to the largest guest bedroom, which had been the master until he had his platform bedroom, similar to the one he’d had in Pittsburgh, carved out of the main loft. “We could add extra windows here, and here, and skylight all along there, and make this room a studio.”

Justin was blown away. The space was large with very high ceilings, and with extra light it would be a perfect space for a studio. But he really didn’t need it. He had the studio at Pratt.

“I have the studio at Pratt, Brian. Sure it would be nice to have one here, but…”

Brian wrapped his arms around him from behind, and kissed his neck. “You are only going to be at Pratt for less than two years, Justin. We might as well plan ahead.”

Justin’s heart started beating fast. Brian was looking two years down the road and seeing them together, in this place. Brian wanted him here in two years. Brian loved him. He really loved him. Suddenly, Justin wanted to make love. Not fuck, but make slow beautiful love with this man.

“Brian. Let’s make love. Please.”

And from the kiss that melted his heart, through the loving caresses, and the tender penetration, through the slow and passionate motions and their achingly sweet orgasms, there was never anything but the expression of love.

Justin called his housemates to tell them he was coming for his stuff. Rory’s brother Dean had already packed all his clothes away, neatly and carefully, and Andrew had packed his supplies from their common desk, and his drawings. Cassie had packed his CD's, which had been in the general collection, and gone around the house to retrieve most of his stuff. She had boxed it all for him.

By the time Brian and Justin got there, there wasn’t much left to do. Justin took a careful tour of the house, picking up the few things Cassie had left behind, not sure of their provenance. He took the portrait of Florence, one of his classmates, that had hung on the wall, his first foray in portrait painting. It was full of flaws, but he loved it nonetheless. It had been a timed exercise, so it was pretty raw, but somehow that made it better.

Lilah still wasn’t back. He left her a note asking her to call him. They went to the basement to get his skis and bike and camping stuff, though Rory said there was no big hurry. Brian apparently had some storage space, a basement or something. He called the cab company for a large multiple traveler cab, they put everything in it, and after Justin promised to have them all to dinner at his new place, they left. They stopped at Pratt to pick up one painting, called The Colors of my Heart and headed home.

It made Brian laugh when the first thing Justin wanted to do was hang his art. He got The Kiss out of its hiding place. It was the same size as The Colors of my Heart. They hung them each on one side of the dining area window, the colors a relief from the white. They even made the naked man, on the adjacent wall, look happier.

From one of the boxes, Justin removed a sketch framed in primary colors. He apparently had made one of each of his housemates, and offered for them to keep them if they wanted, and they all had, except Lilah who hadn’t been home. He’d also had extra frames. Working quickly, he framed his favorite drawings. Daphne, Gus, Emmett, Blake, Daphne again, Gus with his moms, Hunter, Karl, a cute one of Emmett and Daphne, Michael and JR, Gus again, Ben, Ted, a laughing one of Debbie, one of Gus and Hunter, and three of his favorites of Brian, including the one of him speaking on the phone.

Brian had been very dubious about the cheap IKEA frames, but en masse, they looked great. They took some measurements and put all twenty frames on one wall segment, in five rows of four, covering the whole wall. Justin had put them in the frames at random and turned them all face down. As he placed them, he just called to Brian: Blue frame, and Brian handed him a blue frame at random, so at the end, the portraits that cohabitated did so without rhyme or reason.

Once finished, Brian had to admit it looked fantastic. His loft was little by little being invaded by color.

The portrait of Florence, which Brian really liked, went on the kitchen area wall. It looked fantastic.

Justin was surprised to discover than behind two sliding panels in the wall, Brian did have a library. There as well, room had been made for Justin’s books. Brian had removed a lot of his books on advertising and taken them to the office. While Justin put his books away, Brian merged their CD collection, alphabetizing them with the ease of long practice. He laughed when the only CD they had in common was the soundtrack of The Sound of Music.

“Either we are going to learn to like each other’s music, or there is going to be a lot of yodeling in the loft,” he joked, and started singing, “The Hills are Alive with the Sound of Music…” in a surprisingly good voice.

“A song they have sung, for a thousand years…” replied Justin. “Oh, God, put something of yours on, or this is going to stay suck in my brain all day!

Instead, Brian put in the dance tune compilation Blake had given Justin for Christmas, which turned out to be the perfect unpacking music.

After a trip to the storage area, on the ground floor, and putting the boxes with his clothes in the wardrobe for Jam to worry about at her next visit, they had sat down together to order another modular set of drawers for Justin’s art supplies that matched Brian’s, the two empty drawers having proven woefully insufficient. And they were done.

Brian looked around and smiled. “You have done physically to the loft what you have done figuratively in my life,” he said teasingly. “You have added color and warmth.”

“That was so cheesy, I may have ruined you as an ad God…”

Brian was about to respond when the phone rang. Justin headed to the kitchen. It was late afternoon. He was starving again. He could hear Brian’s half of the conversation, though he was not paying much attention. He was making himself a salad, and a cheese omelet. He thought it was one of the partners, Alan, maybe? Calling with some good news. Wow, they’d been so busy, they hadn’t even thought to turn on the TV for the Rose Bowl’s half time commercials lineup. Oh, well.

He heard vaguely tuxedo, incredible marketing opportunity, hundreds of key people…and Brian’s answer that of course he’d be there, wouldn’t pass it up for a million bucks, and See you tomorrow…Tomorrow? They would be in Pittsburgh tomorrow. Surely Brian had not forgotten…

Brian came back to the kitchen area with a big smile on his face. “You’re not going to believe this, Justin.”

“What?”

“Through his connections Alan snatched invites for the four partners to the Mayor’s Shakers and Movers dinner tomorrow night. The best business opportunity we’ve ever had, coming right on the heels of the first airing of our commercial. Talk about golden. We are meeting at noon tomorrow to talk strategy.”

“Hm, Brian, I hate to have to remind you, but we’re going back to Pittsburgh tomorrow. We promised Gus.” He felt bad for Brian. He could see this was big.

“I know, I remember. But surely you can see that I can't pass this up. It’s important. It’s business.”

What the fuck? Was he saying what Justin thought he was saying? “You said, ‘Five nights, Gus. Five nights. Count them, I promise.’ You can’t turn your back on that!”

“Justin, you have to see the big picture, here. Gus is five. I’m sure he’s forgotten all about that already. He’s just a kid. He’ll get over it. This is the kind of opportunity that will allow me to send him to college anywhere he chooses, to buy him anything he wants.”

Justin looked at him, completely disbelieving what he had just heard. “You can already do that, so don’t try to bullshit me, or him, that you are doing this for his sake. He doesn’t give a shit about college. He doesn’t care about what you can buy him. You made him a promise. He wants you, his Daddy, to love him, to be there for him. This is the kind of betrayal that means he might never trust you again.”

“Don’t be a drama queen, Justin. I’ll make it up to him.”

Justin rinsed the knife he had been using, and put the beginning of his salad in a Tupperware container. He could not stay there a moment longer without losing it, which would be completely pointless.

“I’ve said my piece, Brian. You do as you see fit. I’m going for something to eat. I’ll be back in an hour or so. I have my cell phone. See you.” He put on his jacket, his gloves, his scarf, and left, without making a fuss. There was no point. What more could he say?

As soon as he was out on the street, he tried to call Daphne. Her phone was busy. He called Brandon. He needed a friend to talk to.

“Brandon.”

“Hey, it’s Justin. How are you?”

“Great. Fabulous. Did you watch half time?”

“No, sorry, we didn’t.”

Brandon laughed. “We didn’t either. God, Justin, Todd and I have done nothing but fuck and talk. He is a really special guy.”

“I’m so glad. Where is he now?”

“Asleep. I really like him. I hate to leave tomorrow, but I’m dancing tomorrow night.”

“So take him with you. He’s on break, isn’t he?”

“Isn’t that a bit… forward? To ask him?”

“Brandon. You know you are going to be mobbed as soon as people figure out who you are. Every fag in America is going to want you. If he is special enough that you prefer being with him than with the hundreds of tricks that are going to beat down your door, you kind of have to decide now…”

“I’m not in love with him. I’m not free that way. I’m not trying to make you feel bad or anything, but Justin, the way I feel about you is not going to disappear overnight. But he makes me laugh, and he knew me before, so to speak, and God, we are really good in bed together.”

“Talk to him. Tell him. Ask him.”

Brandon laughed. “That’s what Daphne said too.”

“Well, there you have it.”

“How are you? Brian was so cute last night. Talk about a guy in love…”

“Yeah.”

“What’s up? You don’t sound thrilled.”

“Have you got a minute?”

“For you, always.”

“Thanks. We moved me in this morning.”

“Well, that’s cool.”

“Yes. That’s not it. When the original commercial fell apart, we were in Pittsburgh. We were supposed to spend the day with Gus, Brian’s son. The boy adores him, and it broke his heart when we left.”

“How old?”

“Five.”

“OK.”

“So his Mom brought him to the airport to say goodbye. Brian was really upset to let him down, and promised to be back this weekend. Like a solemn promise. He said, ‘Five nights, Sonnyboy, five nights. Count them and I’ll be back, I promise.’ And now he’s not going. He’s been invited to the Mayor’s Movers and Shakers dinner, and he’s just blowing off Gus so he can go. I told him what I thought, it made no difference. So tomorrow, I’m going alone, because I promised too, and fuck if I not going to keep it.”

“Hum…”

“You think I’m overreacting?”

“Hell no. I was starting to really like Brian. This… really does not reflect well on him, does it…”

“He blew him off at Thanksgiving and on his birthday, too. It made no sense to me because he was so loving to him when we were there. It’s like, out of sight, out of mind.”

“Do you think it says something about whatever understanding exists between you two? As, if he doesn’t follow through with his son, he may not follow through with you?”

“Truthfully, I had not thought of it that way. But you’re right. There are things he said he could not have meant any more seriously than he meant what he said to Gus.”

“Like what?”

“Like not fucking any tricks at the loft. Like not kissing tricks. Like no repeats, no name, no numbers, though that's a rule he had before I came along. Like no tricking when we are together.”

“What would you do if he broke any of those?”

“Fuck. It never occurred to me that he might. But why shouldn’t he? It’s not like I can do anything to stop him except get pissed, and why should he give a shit? He knows I love him so much, he’d get away with it. This sucks. It really does. I don’t know that I can trust him anymore than Gus can. I need to think. I need to get away from him for a while. I guess it’s good I’ll be in Pittsburgh tomorrow.”

“I’m sorry. I’ve made things worse.”

“No. You just made me think ahead. I would have gotten there eventually. Call me when you get to the Pitts. I’m going really early. I want to be there when Gus wakes up and make him pancakes.”

“He is lucky to have you.”

“I loved him before I knew he was Brian’s. It’s a long story. I guess I’m going to keep my relationship with him separate from his father’s, so he knows he can count on me.”

“Call Daphne. It helps.”

“I know. Calling you helps too.“

“Thanks.”

“Say hi to Todd.”

“Will do.”

Justin’s stomach was aching. He was not hungry anymore. Did the fact that Brian could so easily betray a promise to Gus say something about what his statements to Justin were worth? He’d based his decision to move in with him on trust, to work with him on trust, to open his heart so completely to him on trust.

He’d trusted Ethan, and God knew what that had gotten him. The problem was, when Ethan had been proven untrustworthy, Justin had been able to walk away. He could never walk away from Brian. He was fucked.

He dialed Daphne.

“Justin! Oh my god, the commercial is incredible! I taped it, but it’s already on Youtube. It’s fantastic. I was at Lindz and Mel's, with Emmett and Drew. Drew was explaining the game to Gus. He was so excited. Then the commercial came on and we’re like: ‘Your Daddy made this!’ and he was so proud. He is sure it’s Brian running with Brandon. Is it?”

“Yes.”

“Oh! I can’t wait to tell him he was right! He can’t wait for you guys to get back.”

“Brian’s not coming.”

“… What?”

“Brian’s not coming. He was invited to dinner at the mayor’s, and he’s not going back to Pittsburgh.”

“Mel said he promised. She said he actually promised, and she believed him, this time.”

“I know. I was there. He promised. I believed him. Mel believed him. Gus believed him.”

“Gus is going to be crushed. I mean that. He loves you, but… Oh god. How can he?”

“I have no idea. Don’t tell anyone, please. I’ll deal with it when I get there.”

“It’s not your job.”

“I know, but I feel it is. I’ll try to… I don’t know. I’ll try to figure something out.”

“It’s like there are two of him. The guy who loves you, and a bastard that doesn’t give a shit about anyone else.”

“Yes, well, let’s hope for my sake that that’s true, shall we? Because if there is only one Brian Kinney, and he can treat his son like this without losing sleep, it doesn’t bode well for my heart, does it?”

“Fuck.”

“Yeah.”

“What do you think?”

“Until two hours ago, I would have never believed he could act like this towards Gus, so what the hell do I know?”

“Maybe you should hold off on moving in with him.”

“A little late for that. We got all my stuff to the loft this morning.”

“Oops.”

“We had such a great time, too. We were so… happy, I guess. Relaxed. Having fun doing it. I've got to go back. I just needed to get out for a while so I went to get something to eat, but I spent all my time talking to Brandon, and you.”

“Brandon’s new friend sounds nice. Good going, Justin.”

“I just invited Todd to Essengy. Whatever else happened I had nothing to do with…”

“Well, according to Brandon, watching Brian eat your ass was erotic enough to get monks to fuck…”

“Oh, my god, he told you about that?”

“And about your ‘How to top a top’ lesson. I am in awe. The things I learn about you…”

“I’m going to kill him…”

“No! Don’t! I loved all the details. And he told me about Brian’s ‘My Sunshine! Find your own!’ Which until I heard he wasn’t coming made me want to hug him… Now I want to kick his manly bits.”

“I’ve got to go. Can I stay at your place?”

“Duh.”

“See you tomorrow.”

“Love you.”

“Love you too.”

Justin made his way back to the loft. Brian was not there. He packed for the next day, and got on the internet to book the earliest flight. He would get to Pittsburgh at 7:00AM, and hopefully be at the girls’ early enough to make Gus pancakes. He looked at his subway ride. To be at the airport at five, he had to leave at … ten to four. That gave him plenty of time to make it to the station, and would get him to the airport half an hour before his flight.

He set the alarm on his phone. It was close to seven, already dark outside. He was still tired from the night before, and wanted to get some sleep. He decided to wait up till 8:30, and if Brian wasn’t back, to just go to sleep.

At 8:00, the door opened and Brian came in. Justin had just come out of the shower. Brian came over and kissed him, his breath fragrant with J&B.

“You’re back,” said Brian with a smile.

“I was only gone for an hour.”

“Get dressed, we’re going out.”

“Huh… I’d rather not. I have a really early flight to Pittsburgh tomorrow.”

“You’re going.”

“Of course I’m going.”

“I see. Trying to make me feel guilty? Because I don’t, Justin. And what I do or don’t do with my son is none of your business.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel anything. I made a promise to Gus, I’m keeping it. As you say, what you do with your son is none of my business, and what I do with Gus is none of yours. Go out. Have fun. I need to get to sleep. I’ll be back Sunday late afternoon.”

“Is this going to come between us, Justin?”

Brian was looking at him, and he could see real worry in his eyes. He was disappointed in Brian, but was it going to change the way he felt about him? No.

“Brian. You shouldn’t do something you don’t want to do just to make me happy. You may piss me off, but it’s not going to change the way I feel about you.”

That’s what Brian had said to him the day before. Brian smiled at him, and brushed the wet hair away from his face. He started caressing Justin’s body, and he responded, right away. He kissed him, and it was as good as always. Brian pushed him down on the bed, and turned him on his belly. He lubed his fingers, and prepared Justin the old fashioned way, before sliding inside of him, covering his entire body with his own. He fucked him deep and slow, kissing his neck and shoulder, whispering in his ears nonsense words of pleasure and affection. The friction on the sheet, and Brian inside him were almost enough, but not quite. Justin grasped his cock and Brian moved faster, deeper, until Justin came. Then Brian pulled out without coming. He pulled up his pants.

“I’m going out. I think I’ll save this for my first trick. See you later.” And he left.

God. That hurt. And knowing he had done it to hurt only made it worse.

Brian was mad that Justin had spoken his mind about Gus. He was mad that Justin was going to see Gus without him. He was mad that Justin had left earlier to avoid fighting a useless fight. And this was his way of paying him back…

It didn’t hurt any less that Justin thought it really was pathetic. He got up, ignoring his traitorous tears, and showered again. He felt ashamed, dirty. He put on an undershirt, boxers, and socks. His jeans and his hoody were there, next to the bed. His bag, his boots, his jacket, scarf and gloves were by the door. He went to the medicine cabinet and took a quarter of a xanax. He never took the stuff, but knew it made you sleep. Right enough, on his empty stomach, it acted quickly. Ten minutes later, he was asleep.

When the alarm went off, Brian was spooning him. He felt revulsion, thinking that he was holding him after holding some trick, but he could smell Brian’s Decleor on him. He had showered. Thank god. Still, he couldn’t stand Brian’s touch. Justin got up, put on his jeans and his hoody, went to the bathroom to pee, wash his face and brush his teeth, and left, as quietly as possible.

The walk to the subway was cold, and he felt bad that he had not even kissed a sleeping Brian goodbye. Oh well. He’d never know, and after last night, probably didn’t give a shit. Justin wondered, sitting in the train, where Brian had been, how many guys he’d fucked. What did it matter? They had an agreement. The fact that Justin couldn’t even imagine fucking someone else, or even getting head from someone else was not Brian’s problem.

He got to the airport only twenty-five minutes ahead of his flight and had to hustle a little. He sat in his seat, and rested his head against the back, eyes closed. It was only two weeks ago that he’d made that trip crying all the way, and frankly, this morning, he did not feel a whole lot better than he had then.

“I think I’ll save this for my first trick.” That had been so nasty, so demeaning.

He concentrated on Gus. He would make him little Mickey Mouse pancakes. It wouldn’t compensate for his father’s absence, but hopefully it would make him smile. Since Gus had like the commercial, maybe he’d call Brandon and have him drop in, to meet him. Gus would like that.

The plane had taken off and they were five minutes into the flight, when a pretty flight attendant came to talk to him.

“Mr. Taylor? I’m sorry to disturb you, sir, but would you mind coming with me please?”

“Is there a problem?”

“No, not at all. There was a mix up in your seat assignment. Nothing for you to worry about. We just need to move you. Sorry.” The flight was very full so they must have assigned his seat twice.

“It’s all right. I need to get my bag.”

“I’ll come back for it, sir. Don't worry.”

Justin got up. He could not see any other free seats except one, on the other side of the plane, a window seat, which he had requested originally. Maybe someone wanted his aisle seat. They would have to go all the way forward to cross. He was following her when she stopped in first class and said, “Here you are, sir.” Justin was about to protest that he definitely was not traveling first class when walking further forward he saw Brian, sitting in the adjacent seat. He sighed and sat down. He suddenly felt exhausted. He just looked at Brian, unsmiling, and waited.

“I’m sorry about last night,” said Brian.

Justin shrugged. As far as he was concerned, Brian could take his sorry and shove it. He was not about to let him fuck him again, and that was for sure.

“I feel I broke something, and I don’t know how to fix it,” added Brian.

Justin agreed, and was of no help at all. “Did that first trick enjoy himself? Did you enjoy shooting that come up someone else’s ass? Was it as good as you expected, Brian? Was it worth it to you? I hope so. I hope you enjoy tricking for a while too, because you are never doing this to me again, you understand? Never. And until I can trust you again, you can take your cock, and your fucking, and your come somewhere else. And if fucking you is a condition for my residence in the loft, I’ll be happy to move out, and then you can even bring your fucking tricks home, and I don’t give a shit.”

He undid his seat belt.

“I don’t know what the fuck you are doing here,” he continued. I can only hope you came here for Gus, and not to subject me to your bullshit apology. Now, if you don’t mind, I’m going back where I belong, in economy, with the rest of the suckers. I don’t really feel like your company at the moment.” Justin had been so focused on dealing with the pain Brian had caused, he had not realized how pissed off he was.

Brian grabbed his wrist.

“Justin, please, sit back down and hear me out. Give me ten minutes. After that you can leave. OK?”

“Give me one good reason.”

“I love you. Better yet, you love me. Please sit.”

Justin sat down.

“I didn’t fuck anyone else last night. I never even meant to. After I left the loft I went and walked around. I… God. I was mad at you. For walking out earlier. For not understanding how important that dinner is. For being right about Gus, right about promises.

“While you were out I went to the bar at the corner and had a lot to drink, and I came home and you were going without me. When I told you what I did with my son was no business of yours, you didn’t even protest, like we’re not a couple, like we’re not both… Like we’re not in it together.

“I wanted to hurt you, because I didn’t like what you showed me about myself, because you are too nice a person to withhold sex to get what you want like I expected, and you were letting me make love to you.

“As I was walking I started to think about what I’d said. I cannot explain why I would say and do such a painful, gratuitous thing. And I realized what breaking faith with my son might mean to you. That none of what I say ever has any value. That when the moment comes, I will just do whatever I want regardless of what I told you. I decided to forget the fucking dinner, and come back to the Pitts with you.

“I came home after an hour to tell you I was sorry, that you were right, that I was coming with you, but you were already asleep. You had tear tracks on your face and I wanted to cut off my fucking tongue. I showered, so that if you woke up you wouldn’t think I still had some other man's sweat and come on me. I went online and bought us tickets, and ordered a car.

“When your alarm went off, you slipped away without saying goodbye and I couldn’t believe I could have alienated you that much, hurt you that much just out of petty resentment. I let you go, hoping it would give me time to think how to explain myself.

“On the way to the airport, it occurred to me that I can do both. Do the right thing and do the business thing. I am leaving tonight on the 7:00PM flight, in my tux, going to the dinner, and coming back again on the redeye, at 2:00AM. I’ll be back in your arms by 4:00AM. It’s a short night, but I’ve had worse, and we can spend every minute with Gus.

“And I will do whatever it takes for you to forgive me. Forgive me for even thinking of blowing Gus off. Forgive me for pretending it wouldn’t matter, and forgive me for hurting you, in the worst way possible, betraying your trust where we have both always been completely open and vulnerable to each other. I love you, Justin. I love you so fucking much.”
 
“It’s a really good solution,” said Justin. “Too bad we didn’t think of it earlier.”

“Yeah. Really too bad.”

“What was I supposed to say, Brian, when you said the way you dealt with your son was none of my business?”

“I expected too much too soon, Justin. I’m sorry.”

“Just tell me please.”

“I wanted you to tell me he was your son too. And that as his father, the way his other father dealt with him was very much your business.”

“You want me to be Gus’s other father.”

“We are a couple, Justin, aren’t we? Lovers, partners…He asked if he should call you Papa. I told him you could be his Justin, and then we’d see. Now we live together. I’d love for you to be his father. And your instincts are so much better than mine.”

It was so absurd, that Brian would think such a thing, and deal in the next breath the kind of pain he had dealt the night before.

“Remember what you said to me in the cab, Brian? That I have the power to break you? It goes both ways, except we both know, I think, that I would never use that power against you. You, on the other hand, as you demonstrated last night, will not hesitate. What do I do, Brian? What do I do to protect myself when you don't think twice of hurting me that much, just because you can?”

They heard the landing gears come out. They were almost there.

“It hurt so fucking much, Brian. You treated me like… something dirty. Unworthy. You made a mockery of my love and my need for you. When you tucked your erection back in, it was worse than a slap. And when you said what you said… I wanted to turn myself inside out and scrub any proof of your presence away. I wanted to cut off my cock for having enjoyed it. It hurt so bad, for a second, I wished I was dead. I’m glad you’re here. I’m glad you found a way to make it work. But I will be sleeping at Daphne’s while we’re in Pittsburgh. I still feel… dirty. I don’t want you to touch me. When I woke up in your arms this morning, I felt revulsion, where my body used to sing. You have broken something Brian. I don’t know how to fix it either.”

Tears had been running freely down Justin's face, and he didn’t care. He was only now discovering the depth of the pain and betrayal he had felt. Did it matter that Brian had not really gone tricking? It did make it a little better. But it didn’t change what he had done, and his intent in doing it. Justin lifted his blue hoody, and wiped his face on his white undershirt.

Brian looked horror stricken.

“Justin… Justin. Don’t. Please. Don’t shut me out. Don’t tell me I can’t hold you, touch you. We don’t have to make love for a long time, if you don’t want to, but please let me… let me touch you. I need your touch. I need to hold you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please, Justin. I beg you. I love you.”

Justin was looking at Brian’s beautiful face, seeing guilt, regret, fear, remorse, shame, need, and love, so much love. He reached for Brian’s face with his hand and cupped his cheek. Brian turned into his hand and kissed his palm. The plane had landed. It was time to get off. The flight attendant handed him his bag, and Brian retrieved his from the overhead. Loaded, they left the plane, and walked to the taxi area.

Before they reached it, Justin stopped, putting his duffel down on a waiting area chair, as well as his courier bag. He took Brian's suit bag off his shoulder, and his carry on and added them to his bags. Then he looked at Brian, and said, “Show me you love me, Brian. Show me what you said was a lie. Show me you wish you’d come inside me. Show me you like to, that I don’t repulse you.”

“Oh, Justin, love,” said Brian. “You do not repulse me. Two days ago, I spend two hours eating your ass, and I would gladly do it now if I could.” He reached for Justin and held him close, but Justin felt his body stiffen in the hug. “You are beautiful, Sunshine. So beautiful I cannot think of you without getting hard. I love your scent, your soft skin, your taste, your cock, everything about you.” Justin was listening to the words, and loving them, but his body stayed wooden in Brian’s embrace.

“Close your eyes. Listen, Justin. Do you hear it? The thumpa-thumpa of Essengy?” Brian started swaying to the beat, like they had done so many times before, and Justin could hear it in his mind. He relaxed to the music. Brian’s arms were around him, one hand at the small of his back, the other behind his head, and Brian's lips were on his, his tongue tracing his lips. It felt good.

Justin opened his lips to his kiss, and it was Brian’s possessive tongue, sweet and loving, but staking its rights, and Justin melted against him, accepting his claim, accepting his love. He could feel Brian’s erection against his hip, big, and hard, and Brian's kiss, hot and devouring, and as Brian was pressing their bodies together, he said to Justin, his voice deep and raspy, “This is yours Sunshine, yours and no one else’s,” and Justin felt Brian’s cock pulse against his hips, as Brian came in long spurts, kissing Justin with unrestrained passion.

Brian had given him back the orgasm he had taken from him. It was so stupid that it should feel so right, but Justin could not help but start crying again, sobbing with relief in Brian’s neck, Brian holding him tight, saying, “Never again, I swear to you, Justin, I’ll never do anything like that ever again. I love you, Justin, I love you.” He let Justin cry for a long time, rubbing his back, kissing his forehead.

When Justin had calmed down, Brian kissed him one last time and asked. “Ready, Sunshine? I know a little boy who needs some pancakes.” Justin took a deep breath, wiped his face on his t-shirt again, smiled at Brian, and said, “Ready.”

In the cab, on the way to Mel and Lindz, he wondered what it meant that he felt he had so completely forgiven Brian, as he rested in his arms as usual. Brian had apologized. He had explained. He had promised never to do it again, and in a way, had given back what he had taken. What more could he have wanted?

Once again, Justin’s body felt perfectly in tune with Brian’s. Yet, in his heart, there was a weariness that had not been there before. He was no longer completely trusting, completely open. His love hadn’t diminished. It was just more guarded. Justin wasn’t sure if this was good or bad.

When they knocked and Mel answered the door, she was in her PJ’s, obviously not long out of bed. She laughed. “Why are you two here so fucking early? Did they kick you out of New York?”

“My fault,” said Justin. “I wanted to make Gus some pancake if that’s ok.”

“Come in. It’s only OK if you make some for the rest of us too… Lindz is in the kitchen. Go scare the shit out of her, I doubt she heard you knock. Brian, that commercial was fucking brilliant. I’m sorry I gave you a hard time about leaving. And I’m glad I helped Gus count the nights. For some reason, I knew you’d come through this time…”

Justin came into the kitchen where Lindz was standing in front of the coffee machine while it brewed, her cup in hand, looking like a blond zombie.

“How about I make some pancakes,” Justin said.

She let out a scream and then started laughing. “Holy shit! You scared the hell out of me!” She looked wide-awake now. She started pulling the ingredients out of the cupboards. She asked lightly, as if she didn’t really care. “Is Brian with you?”

“Of course. He’s talking to Mel.”

Her sigh of relief did not escape Justin. “Did you expect him not to come?” Justin asked.

“It’s not that. It’s just… It’s the first time Mel actually believed he would keep his promise to Gus. Usually, she prepares him for a letdown, and well, she’s right. This time, she was so positive… I got a little worried. Not just for Gus, but for her too. God, I’m so glad you guys are here.”

She gave Justin a hug. Brian came into the kitchen, and took Justin in his arms as soon as she let go. “My Sunshine,” he said. “Find your own,” and he hugged Justin, who giggled. Brian held him from behind the whole time he was making and cooking the pancakes. It was a little crazy, but they both needed it. Finally they were done, just in time for a little voice coming from the stairs, asking, “Mama? Is Mommy making pantakes?”

Mel answered. “I don’t think she is… Why don’t you go check.”

“Smells like pantakes.”

Gus came into the kitchen and his sleepy face literally lit up. “Daddy! You came! You said you were gonna come and you did!” and he jumped into his father’s arms. Then he saw Justin, taking the last of the pancakes off the griddle. “And you brought my Jutsin with you! And he makes pantakes!”

That boy was in heaven. They had a great breakfast, Gus sitting on his father’s lap and laughing at Justin’s whimsical creation, Mikey Mouse, a cat, a penguin, a flower, a “Love heart”, a car. When the completely stuffed boy rested with a sigh in his father’s arm, his head tucked under Brian ‘s chin, Brian looked at Justin, smiled, and mouthed, “Thank you.”

Brian told Lindz that Justin was now an employee of Plexus, and when Mel asked which one they had finally decided was the sex slave, Brian just said nonchalantly that they didn’t have to go that route, since Justin had moved into the loft. Justin decided to concentrate on how perfect the moving day had been, and smiled at Brian, who sang “The hills are alive with the sound of music…” obviously also wanting to remember the fun part of the day. Mel and Lindz looked at each other as if Brian had lost his mind, and Justin cracked up.

After breakfast, once Gus was dressed, he and Brian built these elaborate tracks, and played Thomas the train. As usual, Brian got to be Percy, and do stupid things Thomas had to come and rescue him from. Justin got to sketch father and son playing together, cuddling, laughing. And occasionally, Brian would look at him with a thank you in his eyes. He was obviously so happy to be there. How could he have even considered not coming?

Justin felt they needed to spend some more time together to completely heal the breach Brian had caused. They were all right, but it would take some doing to return to where they had been before. He realized he didn’t like the guarded feeling in his heart. It might be prudent, but it went against his nature. Brian would be gone tonight. Maybe there would be a chance to talk the next night.


To be continued...
 

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