Silent Night
Apologies to OG for using the same carol as he did, but I already had this half written when his was posted. I decided to got ahead with it, so I hope he doesn’t mind.
*****
Silent Night, Holy Night
All is calm, all is bright
Brian sensed Justin’s presence behind him before he felt the warm arms snake
around his chest. His lips grazed his neck as he whispered into his ear
“Why aren’t you in bed waiting for Santa, like a good little boy?”
“Justin, Santa hasn’t visited the Kinney household for so long, I imagine he
doesn’t know it even exists any more!”
“Hmmm, but it’s now the Kinney AND Taylor household, and I always get a visit
from Santa – and that had better not change this year” he threatened, giving
Brian a nudge with his hip.
Brian smiled and nudged back. There was a little red and gold wrapped package in
his bedside table for Justin, but he wasn’t revealing that just yet. He simply
continued to stare out into the clear night. Justin changed positions, coming
around the front of Brian and leaning back against him, wrapping the long arms
around his slight body.
“Soooo, I ask again, why aren’t you in bed?”
“Dunnno, couldn’t sleep.” Brian kissed the fair head. After the initial shock,
he had grown to like the short crop Justin had come home with, and loved to
brush his lips and face against it.
“Are you worried about something?” Justin persisted. He’d had a feeling
something was playing on Brian’s mind for days now, and was determined to get to
the bottom of it.
Brian sighed. He might as well get it over with. Justin would just harangue him
until he talked. He took Justin’s hand and led him back into the bedroom. Under
the duvet once again, Justin curled himself into Brian and waited.
“Jus, am I a good father to Gus?”
“What?” Justin spluttered. This wasn’t at all the question he’d been expecting.
Actually, he didn’t know what to expect – you never did with Brian – but it
definitely wasn’t this.
“Am I a good father? Be honest.”
“Well, I think so,” Justin replied after a few moments. “I mean, you don’t
exactly fit the mould of fatherhood in those parenting magazines, but who does?
You love Gus, you’d do anything for him – and have, and you never yell at him
and have never raised a hand to him. And that’s all in spite of how you were
raised. I think you’re a great father. What’s brought this on?”
A few minutes passed, then Brian said softly
“Mikey.”
“Michael said you were a bad father? Fuck.” Justin lifted up from the bed he was
so furious. Brian ran his hand down his back, moulding him back against him.
“Shhh, calm down. He didn’t come out and say it – which is pretty amazing
really. Mikey’s the Queen of foot in mouth disease! It was the way he was so
excited about this new baby, and he’s been buying Christmas presents, and
stockings and fuck knows what else, and the sprog isn’t even born yet! I
couldn’t even take Gus to sit on Santa’s knee for Mel and Lindz. What does that
say about me?”
“Um, that you’re probably the most sensible of them all? Who in their right mind
goes to the mall, with a 3 year old, waits in a line for an hour then shoves the
child at a complete stranger, a very weirdly dressed stranger, complete with
false white beard, and demands the child speak to the weirdo and smile for a
photo!”
Brian laughed in spite of himself.
“Thanks Jus. Do you know, I thought you’d agree with Mel and Lindz on this one –
that I was being the Grinch who stole Christmas!”
“No way. I’ve always been stunned that we turn ourselves inside out telling
children not to talk to strangers, then actually encourage it at Christmas, and
take a fucking photo to commemorate the event! Besides, I don’t side with anyone
against you Brian. I mightn’t always agree with what you do, but I’m on your
side, always.” He leant in and kissed him.
After a few moments he leaned back and drew his hand along Brian’s face. He
brushed the dark hair off his face, then looked hard into the hazel eyes.
“Is that all you’re worried about, that you’re not a good father because you
aren’t jumping up and down that it’s Christmas, or that you didn’t take Gus to
the mall?”
“Yeah, I guess. Like I said, Mikey’s got more fucking presents for this child of
his than I got in my entire childhood! All I’ve got for Gus is that paint box we
both picked out, and the little trike I heard him telling Deb he wanted.”
“And the stocking, don’t forget that.” Justin replied, smirking.
When decorating the Loft – a hard won argument for Justin - Justin had dragged
out the stocking he’d had since he was a child, and had hung it on the back of
the kitchen bench. He’d demanded to know where Brian’s was, who told him to fuck
off, he wasn’t the Christmas Fairy. Justin had then set Debbie to work knitting
one, the resulting rainbow striped affair offending every one of Brian’s
sensibilities. He’d immediately declared it was not going to be remaining in the
loft, not even hidden in a cupboard. Unfortunately Gus, who been present when
Justin had handed over the offending item, had immediately fallen in love with
it, the result being it was now hanging in between Justin’s timeworn one, and
the more subdued item Debbie had supplied as a substitute for the one claimed by
Gus. Justin had filled it with candy canes and balloons, and a couple of other
little trinkets before he and Brian had gone to bed, and was looking forward to
the look on Gus’ face when he saw it.
“Ah yes, the stocking. God, I still can’t believe something that fucking ugly is
hanging in the loft!”
“Again, shows how much you love Gus, and what a good father you are. Is this why
you’ve been laying awake the last few nights? Thinking that you weren’t a good
father? Brian, fatherhood isn’t measured by gifts, or visits to the mall, or
pictures with Santa. If that was the case then my father would have been Father
of the Universe, and we all know what a prick he turned out to be! You love Gus,
regardless, with no strings, no provisos, no conditions. And THAT is what makes
you a good father. Mikey can buy all the Fisher Price crap he wants. Unless he’s
prepared to love unconditionally, then he will never be close to being the
father you are. Ok?”
Brian opened his mouth to speak, but the lump that had formed prevented the
words from coming out. Once again, it was Justin who’d put things back into
perspective. Made him feel like a good person again. Like he was worthwhile. He
tightened his grip around his lover, letting the warm tears fall against his
skin. Justin held him back just as tightly, then kissed the wet salty face. And
whispered gently
“Gus loves you Baby. And I love you. You can relax. Everything’s ok. You can go
to sleep now Brian.” And Brian closed his eyes.
Sleep in Heavenly Peace,
Sleep in Heavenly Peace.
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