Understanding in the Snow

Credit: Title is from the wonderful Barenaked Ladies Christmas song "Footprints."

Special thanks to philflam for another great beta job!

Justin boarded the plane to Pittsburgh reluctantly. He wished he hadn't promised his mother he'd come home for Christmas. He really thought he and Brian would finally be celebrating Christmas together. Now that wasn't happening, and all he wanted to do was hide in his apartment until the holidays were over. He settled into his seat thankful that it appeared he'd have a decent amount of privacy. The flight was crowded as expected a few days before Christmas, but first class was relatively empty. Thank God Brett was good for something. Justin figured most people who could afford first class flew at more civilized hours.

It wasn't long before Justin realized he was too keyed up to sleep. His nerves made his hand shake slightly so sketching was out of the question, and he couldn't concentrate long enough to read the novel he'd brought along. Unfortunately, that left him with nothing to do but think. And no matter how much he tried to avoid it, he couldn't help thinking about Brian.

Justin knew the separation would be hard on them. Harder on Brian really because he still didn't couldn't admit to things like missing Justin. That made him too vulnerable. Justin expected some drama queen moments. He was prepared for phone calls with flimsy excuses behind them; maybe even a few last minute business trips to California. He expected Michael to not so subtly grill him on things Brian wanted to know. But as usual, Brian did the exact opposite of what Justin expected.

To some extent, he blamed himself. He'd made a huge mistake in not moving into the loft before leaving. It seemed silly at the time to move his things in and then not be there. Justin hadn't wanted to inconvenience Brian. He should have remembered the only way he ever got anywhere with Brian was by inconveniencing him. Instead, he headed to California with only a verbal agreement to move into the loft upon his return. Stupid, stupid, stupid. Maybe if Brian had been surrounded by Justin's belongings, if Justin had maintained some sort of presence in his life, things would have turned out differently.

Justin had only been gone a month when the call came. He'd been so stupidly happy when Brian called him. Up until that point, he'd initiated almost all their calls himself, a bad sign he'd failed to recognize. They'd chatted for a few minutes when Brian decided to let Justin know the reason for his call.

"Look, Justin this isn't working. I don't see any reason to drag it out."

"What do you mean?" Justin had been sure he'd simply misunderstood Brian.

"What I mean is it's time to stop pretending we're in some kind of relationship," Brian's distaste for the word was evident in his tone. "We aren't going to spend the next six months pining for each other and then pick up where we left off whenever you come back"

"Brian, I never asked you to pine away for me. I think we were pretty clear that we would continue to be with other people just like we have been. I know it's hard being apart."

"That's just it Justin," Brian interrupted, "it's not hard. At least for me it's not. My life's pretty much the same whether you're here or not. I don't miss you. I don't really even notice that you're gone.'

"Fuck Brian, you can't mean that."

"I do, and I bet if you really think about it, you are doing just fine without me. You've been hanging on to me out of habit, and I've let you. But enough is enough. You need to make a clean break."

"Brian, tell me what's wrong. It can't be that bad," Justin knew he was starting to panic, but he couldn't help it. He couldn't believe there wasn't more going on than Brian was telling him.

"There's nothing wrong so stop imaging things. I'm not sick again, I'm not trying to be noble or whatever other fucked up excuse you come up with. It's time to face reality. Whatever we had is over. It was never real to begin with. Listen carefully Justin; I'm not going to call you again. And I don't want to hear from you. Goodbye."

Before Justin could say anything else, Brian hung up on him. Justin had wanted to call him back. He wanted to scream and yell at him, anything to make him take back what he said. But he knew that wouldn't work. If he confronted Brian right away, Brian would just become more convinced he was right. Justin spent the next few days in a state of shock. He'd been tempted to beg Brett for some time off and fly home. Maybe if he could just see Brian in person, he could make him change his mind.

Justin never went back to Pittsburgh. It was a conversation he had with Michael about a week later that convinced him there was no reason to return. The call was about Rage, of course, and they both carefully avoided Brian's name. After Michael filled him in on everyone else back home, Justin couldn't stop himself. "How is he?" he finally asked tiredly.

Michael had sighed loudly. "I know you don't want to hear this, but he's good. The other times you two weren't together Brian was kind of scary. It was like he was trying too hard to be okay. He drank too much, tricked too much, and worked too much. But he's acting pretty normal. Well, normal for Brian I mean. Except for the part where he's not with you," Michael rushed to add.

"I understand. It's no big deal Michael, really. I'm glad he's fine." Justin wasn't convincing himself so he doubted Michael believed him. He decided it was time to end the call. "I'll call you next week, and we'll go over any changes."

Michael and Justin never discussed Brian again. In fact, other than telling his mother and Daphne it was over, he hadn't talked about Brian in months. At least the real Brian - his days and nights were still consumed by Rage. His mother had been too polite to ask for details, and he'd pleaded with Daphne to leave it alone until she agreed. He knew she would make him tell her everything when he saw her, but it was a small price to pay to keep her from "giving the bastard a piece of my mind" as she put it. He just wished he had some real answers for her.

Justin wasn't stupid. He knew he was missing something. There had to be some hidden meaning behind what Brian had said. With Brian, there was always hidden meaning. But so far, he hadn't been able to figure it out. He'd run Brian's words through his head a hundred times. Some days it seemed like they were on a permanent loop, but nothing. Justin tried picking them apart word by word. He tried to remember which words Brian had put emphasis on, what his exact tone had been. But he still couldn't move past his own shock and pain.

So while he drove himself crazy recreating their conversation, he hadn't made any progress in figuring out what went wrong. He eventually decided he was just too tired to deal with Brian's shit especially while they were apart. Justin would have liked to blame this on long hours and the difficulty of adjusting to a new life, but honestly, he was tired of fighting. For as long as he could remember it seemed like he'd been fighting Brian for Brian. Every time he thought they'd move beyond that, Brian proved him wrong. He was so sure after Stockwell after Brian admitted they were partners, that things would be different. But as soon as something went wrong, Brian shut him out. He should have known better than to allow the fact that Brian had actually asked him to move in to give him any sense of security.

Justin knew that the minute he decided not to go to Pittsburgh part of him was giving up. He should have made Brian face him; he should have forced Brian to look at him and say he didn't miss him. But he hadn't. Instead, he let distance and silence create doubts in his own mind as to what they had. Maybe he read too much into the things Brian did. Maybe he imagined all those signs he thought meant Brian loved him. Alone in California, it was easy to question everything.

He justified his own inaction a hundred different ways. He told himself he was regrouping. He convinced himself there was no point in trying to work things out with Brian until they were living in the same city again. His newest excuse was that it was too stressful during the holidays to try and fix things. And he was only going to be in town for a few days anyway. Talk about bullshit. But he'd begged his mother not to tell Debbie or anyone else that he would be home for Christmas. He knew the longer he waited the less chance there was of there being anything left to fight for. Maybe he was only postponing the inevitable, but he really didn't want Brian to break his heart on Christmas.

An announcement from the pilot made him realize he'd wasted the entire flight thinking about Brian. God, he was pathetic. He looked out the window as they landed and saw it was snowing. Justin usually loved snow, but looking at it now just made him feel cold and tired. After he left the plane, Justin watched all the people around him reuniting with their loved ones. They were laughing and hugging; some of them were even crying. He could hear bits of their conversations all along the lines of how much they missed each other, how happy they were to be home, and what wonderful Christmases they were going to have. He'd never felt more alone.

He ducked into the first bathroom to escape. Justin splashed some water on his face then caught a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror. He was suddenly very glad he hadn't let his mother pick him up. Six in the morning was way too early to be at the airport. And he still didn't understand the whole losing time thing, but it made his flight seem even longer than it had been. Now he looked tired, depressed, and even old. His mom would have a fit if she saw him like this. If he was lucky, she'd be at work by the time he got to the house, and he could sleep until Molly came home from school. By then he should be able to fake some holiday cheer.

When Justin left the bathroom, he spotted Brian walking down the hallway toward him. He immediately turned and went the opposite way not caring where he was headed. His mind raced trying to figure out what Brian was doing there. Maybe he was spending Christmas on some tropical island like he'd been threatening to for as long as Justin had known him. That was good, very good. No matter how tempted he was, Justin couldn't do something stupid if Brian wasn't even in Pittsburgh.

"Justin."

Fuck! Brian did not just call his name. He'd just keep walking. That's right; keep walking and find somewhere to hide, fast.

"Justin."

This time a hand on his arm accompanied the sound of his name. He was turned around until he was facing Brian. Justin made sure to avoid eye contact and did his best to pretend to be unaffected.

"Christ, I thought I missed you." Brian ran a hand through his hair then reached out to touch Justin's face. "You look tired."

Justin bit back a sarcastic reply and continued to look at a point to Brian's left. Brian was the one who started the silence between them, and Justin had no intention of breaking it. And no matter what he thought he heard, there couldn't have been any hint of gentleness in Brian's tone.

"Let's go," Brian started to steer Justin toward the escalators.

That snapped Justin out of his daze. He jerked his arm away from Brian. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Taking you home. Let's go," Brian repeated.

"But I'm not here. I mean no one is supposed to know I'm here." It was a stupid argument but between shock and exhaustion, it was the best Justin could manage.

"I know lots of things I'm not supposed to," Brian shrugged.

"Why are you here?"

Brian leaned down and kissed him. Hard. "There, that's why I'm here."

"For sex?" Justin shook his head. Brian was unbelievable.

"Jesus Justin, I didn't ask you to suck me off in the bathroom. I kissed you. There's a fucking difference, and you know it."

"I guess the months of not seeing or speaking to you have fucked up my ability to properly interpret your actions," Justin crossed his arms and tried to look stronger than he felt.

"Do you really want to do this here?"

"I don't even know what `this' is, but if you think I'm going anywhere with you, you're crazy." Justin didn't know what Brian wanted, but he knew if he gave him a chance to avoid telling him, he'd never find out.

"It's amazing how quickly you remind me of what a pain in the ass you are," Brian grumbled as he led Justin to a deserted gate. He sat down on a bench and pulled Justin down next to him. "Look, I fucked up. I know it, and I wanted you to know it."

"What makes you think I care? Maybe I've met someone wonderful in California or several wonderful someones." Justin always did stupid things when he was tired. He wasn't sure if listening to Brian or lying to him was stupid, but he knew one of them was.

Brian smiled a little, "Your mother gave me your flight information. I don't think she would have done that if you'd met someone else. And she told me you were depressed, and I had one chance to fix this before she ripped my balls off."

"She spends too much time with Debbie," Justin mumbled. "And since when do you care what my mother thinks?"

"I've always cared more than I should. Besides, I can tell she's right."

Justin averted his eyes. He didn't like the way Brian was looking at him. If it were anyone else he'd say he saw regret and maybe tenderness in his eyes, but it was Brian so he didn't know what he saw. "Why?" he asked softly. He knew he could be referring to several different things, but he'd let Brian decided what to answer.

"I couldn't stand the waiting. Justin, you know me. I'm not patient," Brian gestured helplessly with his hands. "And it seemed like I was always waiting for you. Waiting for you to wake up, waiting for you to realize the fiddler was a slimy piece of shit, waiting to be sure that you," his voice trailed.

"To be sure I loved you," Justin finished so quietly he was sure Brian didn't hear him, but he must have.

"Yeah. And this time, I didn't think what I was waiting for was going to happen." At Justin's quizzical look he continued. "I was waiting for you to come home."

"I don't understand. Why wouldn't I"

"Why would you?" Brian interrupted. "You're out there with this amazing opportunity that most people would kill for. And you're so fucking brilliant and talented; they'll be begging you to stay. If not the studio, someone else. You'd be crazy not to stay. I know I would. And as much as I've always wanted to leave, we both know that's not happening. I didn't want to be left waiting."

"So you left me first." It was all starting to make sense. Justin couldn't believe he'd missed it. "And all the stuff about not missing me, about how what we have, well what we had, not being real, you didn't mean it?"

"I wouldn't be here if I did."

Justin nodded. "I'm not like you Brian. I'm not always looking for a way to escape. That's not what I want."

"What do you want?"

"Somewhere to belong."

Brian looked away briefly before answering. "If I promise to take you there, can we get out of here? This place is making us entirely too lesbianic, and I'd rather not lose an entire month's profits to short term parking."

It was finally starting to sink in that Brian had come for him that Brian had opened up to him about his feelings. They were going to be okay, and for once Justin hadn't needed to fight. The relief that flooded his body made him a little silly. "I guess that depends on where you're taking me," he teased even as stood up to follow Brian.

"Your mom called me a few days ago, and things have been slow at Kinnetik with the holidays coming up. And you know Daphne's on break."

"And," Justin prompted as they headed toward the exit. Brian was trying entirely too hard to sound casual, and it was making Justin curious.

"We may have taken some time to move all your stuff into the loft," Brian said in a rush.

Justin laughed for what felt like the first time since this whole mess started. "Oh my God, you are the biggest lesbian I know." He shook his head and smiled up at Brian. "And what you said about waiting to be sure I loved you. You don't have to wait you know. I have for a very long time."

"I know," Brian sighed. Then he pulled Justin close and kissed the top of his head. "You don't have to wait for that either. Just in case you were wondering."

Justin shivered once they made their way outside into the snow. Brian wrapped his arms tighter around him. "I bet this weather makes you wish you'd stayed in California."

"Nope," Justin answered cheerfully. "I like the snow especially for Christmas. And California's not all it's cracked up to be. All that heat, the plants and the bugs, plays hell with my allergies, you know."

"So you're happy to be home, then?" Brian asked.

Justin didn't miss the emphasis he placed on home. "No where else I'd rather be, but hurry up before I freeze to death." He kissed Brian one more time and huddled closer to him seeking both warmth and comfort.

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