OF LOVE REMEMBERED AND CHERISHED

Away and alone
I fill the room
With thoughts
of you
And other times
In green fields
Of love remembered
And cherished...
                      Leonard Nimoy

############################################################################################

“Brian. Come on. It’s time to go.”  Michael and Emmett  stood by their friend’s side. Everyone else had left, or was waiting on the road by the cars. “Come on, Brian. There’s nothing you can do here.”

Gus watched his father with tears in his eyes. “Dad? Come on.”

“He’s going to be alone. If I leave, he’s going to be alone, Mikey. Don’t you see? I can’t leave him.” Brian stood fast by the grave, resisting the gentle urging of his two friends. They’d been together for 30 years. Why can’t they see? He just can’t leave Justin alone now.

Brian had been with Justin every day for the past two years, ever since the doctor told them there was nothing more he could do. “It’s just a matter of time,” he said. “Time,” Brian thought. “ What a strange thing. Marking the days of Justin’s life like so many jelly beans in the jar. Not knowing how many there really were, but knowing, eventually, the jar would be empty.” And how empty he felt right now.

In the beginning, before Justin became too ill to travel, they would go away together like they had so many times before. Their first trip was to the Bahamas, reliving the week spent there as Justin’s prize in the King of Babylon contest. The two men, older of course, still turned heads on the beach. The young men would wonder about the distinguished, gray haired man and his companion. But it didn’t matter how many young men stared at the couple. They only saw each other.

“He’s not alone. How can someone as good and loving as Justin ever be alone?” Em couldn’t stand seeing Brian like this. His heart was breaking for his friend, and he didn’t know if he could ease the pain. He made a promise to Justin, a promise to help Brian to cope with the loss of the love of his life, but he wasn’t sure he could keep it. “I need your help, Sweetie,” Em thought.

Michael and Gus, arms around Brian’s waist gently guide him toward the black limousine for the ride back to the funeral home. It had been three days since Justin died and either Michael or Gus had been at Brian’s side the whole time. “How am I going to keep my promise to Justin?” he thought to himself. “Brian isn’t even here. Just this shell. “Justin, please, help me to help Brian accept this. I don’t like seeing him in this much pain.”

At the funeral home, Michael helped Brian into his car and drove to Justin’s gallery where everyone gathered to honor his memory. It was the only place large enough for all the people who knew and loved Justin Taylor to come together. When Brian entered the gallery, she looked around at all the men and women and children. He was surprised at how many he didn’t know. But, really, how could he be surprised? Justin was so outgoing and alive....his breath caught in his throat at that word. Justin’s not alive.

As Brian and Michael were walking to the back of the gallery, a dark skinned woman slowly approached them. “Mr. Kinney. I know you don’t know me.  My name is Stella Raye. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated everything Mr. Taylor did for me.” When Brian looked at her, she could see he had no idea what she meant. “Mr. Taylor, he asked me to call him Justin, but I just couldn’t, anyway, Mr. Taylor paid my tuition at the PIFA several years ago. He had seen some of my work at a school art fair and asked if I planned on going to art school. I told him that I wanted to more than anything, but I had to get a job to help support my family. A week later my art teacher came to my home. She said that if I still wanted to go to art school, I would have a full scholarship, plus money to help my family. It turned out that Mr. Taylor had made some inquiries and used his influence on the board at PIFA. I’m now working in the graphics department at StudioVisuals in Los Angeles. I was able to support my younger brother and sister until they got out of school.  When my
mother died during my junior year, Mr. Taylor even helped pay for her funeral. When I saw him at the funeral, I asked why he supported me. He said I had a lot of talent and that he was just repaying a debt to the person who help him get through PIFA. When I heard that he had died, there was no way I wouldn’t be here.” As Brian listened to the young woman’s story, a tall man and a little boy about 3 years old walked up to her. “Mr. Kinney, this is my husband Derrick and our son, Justin.”  She smiled at both of them. “You see? I have a great life, thanks to him. I owe him so much.” She reached up and gave Brian a  light kiss on his cheek and smiled.

Other people came up to him telling similar stories. Brian knew, of course, that Justin had a scholarship fund set up, but he had never really known the impact it would have on so many lives.

“.........then he dropped the whole tray of food in that SOB’s lap.”  Gales of laughter caught his ear. “I don’t believe it,” Brian said, walking up to the man speaking. “You’re still telling that story?”

“It’s a classic, Brian,” Ted said, smiling. Then, soberly, “We’re really going to miss him, you know. He sure had his own way of doing things, didn’t he. Are you ok?”

Brian just shrugged, trying to put a little smile on his face, but failing, and walked away. “Michael, I’m worried about him. He and Justin were so close, I can’t imaging what this is doing to him. He looks terrible. Has he slept or eaten anything at all the past few weeks?”

“Not really, at least that I know of. Gus is worried, too. His only concern has been Justin’s comfort. Ted, he knew two years ago this day would come, but I don’t think he really believed it. We just need to be there for him. “

As Brian walked across the room, Ted saw his shoulders slump, and said sadly, “You know, Justin made me promise to help him,” nodding toward Brian, “ but I’m not sure I know what to do. I hope something in his memories of Justin can help somehow.”

Michael put his arm around Ted’s shoulders. “It just takes time. When Ben died, I thought I would die, too. He’ll never forget Justin, but maybe we can ease the pain of losing him a little. I better go find him.”

“Gus, have you seen your Dad? We were talking to Ted and he just walked away.”

“He’s over there. I thought I’d leave him alone for awhile. I’ve been keeping my eye on him, though. Why don’t you go on over to him.”

Michael sees Brian leaning against the wall in a corner of the room and walks over to him “Justin sure was popular. Did you ever see such a crowd?” Michael was trying, unsuccessfully to bring a smile to Brian’s sad face. “ The mayor and governor were both at the funeral service. I even thought I saw......”

“Michael, please!” It came out harsher than Brian had intended. “ I’m sorry, I’m just, I’m just....I’m going to the office. I want to be alone for a while.”

“Brian?”

“Don’t worry, Mikey.” Brian pulled his friend into a hug and whispered in his ear. “I won’t do anything stupid. I just want to be alone. OK?”

The office door was unlocked. Brian turned the knob and pushed it open as he had done so many times before.

“Hey, Baby. Great news. I landed the Fergus Optics account. I was brilliant, as usual. We’re going to celebrate tonight. Dinner, dancing, champagne, the works.”

“Justin, just wanted to let you know I got our tickets for Hawaii. Two whole weeks. You and me, alone in paradise. I can hardly wait.”

“A show in London! That’s great. I knew you had talent. And I can say I knew you when.”

And every time Justin saw him coming through the door, he would stop what he was doing and gave him his biggest Sunshine smile. And every time he left, Justin would wrap his arms around his neck, give him a kiss and say,  “Later.” Every time. Every single time.

Brian reached for the light switch and closed his eyes before turning it on. When he opened them again, there was Justin, Sunshine smile on his face, sitting in his chair like always. “Hey, Baby. I’m glad you’re here. I was thinking about you before I walked in. Remember the trip to Hawaii? All I remember about the first two days is the bed and the shower in the hotel room. I think we set some kind of record, don’t you?”

“You’re awfully quiet today. Hey, you should see all the people out there. Looks like the opening of one of your shows. Do you really know all of them? Yeah, I suppose you do. You know practically everyone in the art world, anyway. What’s this?” Brian picked up a blue envelope with “B” written on the front. “Why is this here? It’s for me, isn’t it?  Can I go ahead and read it now?”

Brian walked slowly to the overstuffed sofa along the far wall and sat back, letting the familiar softness and comfort cradle him. He remembered the day it was delivered, and how he and Justin initiated it. It became one of their favorite places to relax and talk.  He examined the envelope more closely, not sure why. Realizing he couldn’t put off finding out what was in it any longer, he opened it and pulled out several sheets of matching blue paper. Thankfully, they were computer printed. “It’s a good thing, Baby. For an artist, you have the absolute worst handwriting.” Brian reached into his pocket and pulled out his reading glasses. “Don’t laugh. Just because you always had perfect vision doesn’t give you the right to make fun of the rest of us.” Glasses perched firmly on his nose, Brian glanced toward his lover to make sure he was still there, and
began reading the letter.

############################################################################################

My Dearest Love,

I see you found this letter. I wasn’t sure whether to bring it home with me or leave it here. You would have found it too soon at home, I think. Or maybe you wouldn’t have found it in time. But in the end, I believe God would have let you find it when you needed it most no matter where I left it.

I know these last two years have been hard for you. I’m sorry for that. It’s not what I wanted. I always thought you would be the first to go, being so much older than me (smile). I was prepared for that. Were you prepared for this? I know you, Brian Kinney, and I know for a fact that you haven’t been able to accept that I’m gone. But you have to, my Love, for both our sakes.  Sit back and relax in our favorite sofa and let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time there was a Twink, who lived in The Suburbs. He just wanted to be loved, but he was very young and inexperienced in the ways of The Real World. Oh, he lived in a nice house, with the proper family and went to the country club for dinner every Saturday night, and went to school at The Academy,  but he knew nothing of The Real World. All he knew was that he could draw beautiful pictures of the things around him. The only person he could talk to about what was bothering him was his best friend, The Maiden Daphne. But as much as she loved The Twink, she couldn’t really understand what was going on in his head. One night The Twink talked her into driving him to Liberty Avenue, in The Pitts,  where he would find others like himself. He walked down the street, among all the strange people, and wondered what he had gotten himself into. When he got tired of walking, he stopped under a street light, which cast a yellowish glow around him. As he was trying to decide what to do next, he felt someone staring at him. The feeling wasn’t uncomfortable, though. It was kind of warm and cozy. He looked up and saw a god, a beautiful god. (Well, you know how first impressions are). The next thing he knew, this god was standing in front of him, asking him questions.

“How’s it going? Had a busy night?” The Twink answered the best he could, mentioning famous places he had heard about, like BoyToy and Meathook. Then this god asked, “Where’re you headed?” The Twink had no idea, so he told the truth, “No place special.” The god said he could change that, and the Twink knew he would follow him anywhere, because where ever he went,  it would be Someplace Special.

The first place they visited was The Loft. They had strange rituals there. The god had to pour water over his head and undress when he came in. Luckily The Twink was able to leave his clothes on a while longer. The Twink knew he was going to stay for breakfast, because the god was asking him if he liked Special K. The Twink preferred Cheerios, but if all The Loft had was Special K, that would be good, too. Once the breakfast discussion was done, the god asked the Twink if he was, “Coming or going, or coming and then going, or coming and staying.” The Twink wanted to find out what was going to happen next, so he decided he was coming and staying, and took his jacket off before the god could change his mind. He knew the god was happy because he took The Twink in his arms and hugged him and kissed him and took him to his bed. The Twink realized he was finally going to experience The Real World.

However, the Twink was dismayed to find out there were more questions to answer. This was worse than The Academy, because here, he was never given anything to study so he could answer the questions correctly. It was the first time he had ever failed a test. He would have to remember to find out about tops and bottoms, and why it was important which one he was. And this thing called rimming. Was it some sort of new sport?

Before The Twink could find out about The Real World, the god was summoned to The Hospital and took the Twink with him. On the way there, they picked up Michael, the god’s loyal companion, who was not very friendly to The Twink. At The Hospital the god was sent into a room full of unusual looking women, but on the bed was the beautiful Lady Lindsay, holding a baby. The baby turned out to be the god’s son. Oh, this Real World was indeed a strange place. It seemed the naming of the small baby fell to the only Twink in the room. He was given two names to choose from. Was this another test? He chose Gus. It was a strong name, and maybe the baby would grow up to be strong, too. Besides, he had named his favorite Teddy Bear Gus when he was just a little Twink, and he still loved the bear. It was a good name.  When they left The Hospital to return to The Loft, Michael wanted to get rid of the Twink, but the god had another test ready. When he heard his choice of answers, he knew he would pass this test. “I’m going with him,” he said  boldly and smiled. The god was very pleased and when they got back to The Loft, he showed The Twink just how pleased he was. He even showed The Twink this game of rimming. It was very interesting and pleasurable, and The Twink knew he would become one of the best players of this new game. All he needed was practice.

The Twink and the god, who’s real name, he found out at The Hospital, was Brian, became very close. The god Brian let The Twink live with him when his father, Taylor the Terrible, banished him from The Suburbs. All was well until The Twink forgot to ‘set the alarm’, another ritual of The Loft. The god Brian threw The Twink out of The Loft which was probably a good thing, because all of the god’s possessions had been stolen, so it would have been hard for two people to live there comfortably. With no place else to go, The Twink decided he would go to New York and become a dancer. But New York was far away, and The Twink had no money of his own. The god had a magic card which could be used to buy anything he wanted. The Twink decided he needed this magic card, so he took it from the god’s Safe Place and used it to buy a ticket to New York. When he got there, it was more frightening than he imagined, and he was glad he found a nice place to stay. It seemed the magic card also worked in New York. The Twink was lonely and hoped the god would find him. If he did not, The Twink knew he would be arrested by the Blue Police and thrown in jail. When the god showed up at The Inn, he was very angry, but The Twink had learned well how to tame him and was grateful he was going back to The Pitts instead of jail. The Twink was to live with MamaDeb from then on, in the Motorcycle Room that Michael had grown up in.

The Twink was accepted, sort of, into the Circle of Kinney, but he never really knew where he belonged. The god Brian would take him to his bed often, but didn’t always want to be with him. He had to learn when the god wanted him and when he didn’t, but sometimes it was very hard. One night, there was a great contest at Babylon. Surely, if he won this contest, the god would love him, and want him with him all the time. The Twink danced for all the men assembled in the Great Hall, and they chose him their “King”.  The Twink was happy, but decided to teach the god a lesson. He took the god’s trick away to a place called The Backroom. It wasn’t a very nice place, and The Twink was never allowed to visit there, but he wanted the god to see that he was a Real Person, too.

Just before the Twink was to graduate from The Academy, there was a celebration called The Prom. The Twink didn’t want to go because he thought it was only for The Straight People, of which he was not one. The Prom was very important, he was told. A Right of Passage, it was called. The Twink said he would go, but wanted to go with someone he really cared about. He asked the god Brian. The god Brian stated in no uncertain terms that he would never be seen at such an event. The Twink told The Maiden Daphne, who thought it would have been great if the god Brian had consented to go. Images of exploding heads ran through her mind. Little did she know how close to the truth she was. The Maiden Daphne consented to go with her friend, and bought a new pink gown for the occasion. The Twink had the famous Auntie Em  help him get ready for The Prom. The Maiden Daphne and The Twink were a truly awesome couple. The god Brian,  meanwhile, had decided to go to The Prom and surprise The Twink. When The Twink saw him, he couldn’t contain his happiness. The god Brian did care for him after all. As the music changed, the god Brian placed his White Silk Scarf around The Twink’s neck and led him to the middle of the dance floor. All the other dancers moved away to give the couple room to dance. They were magical. The god Brian twirled the Twink around the floor, keeping in perfect time to the music. When the dance was over, the god Brian kissed The Twink in front of all the Student Body to show how he felt. They left The Prom and went to the parking garage where The Twink declared it to be “The Best Night of my Life.”  The god Brian replied, “Even if it was Ridiculously Romantic.” After a tender kiss, they told each other, “Later,” knowing that this night had changed their whole Relationship. The Twink walked back to The Prom, turning to give the god Brian a Sunshine smile. The god Brian watched from the car mirror as The Twink walked away. He knew then he felt Love for the beautiful Twink. Suddenly Hobbs the Horrible appeared behind the Twink and raised a baseball bat. The god Brian called to the Twink, causing him to turn as if to answer. Before he could say anything, or before the god Brian could get to the Twink, Hobbs the Horrible swung the bat and hit The Twink on the head. The god Brian reached the Twink in time to prevent any more injury, but the Twink was already hurt really bad.  The god Brian helped the Twink as much as he could until the Ambulance People got there. The White Silk Scarf was soaked in blood from The Twink’s injuries, and the god Brian had blood all over himself from cradling The Twink’s body.  The Twink was taken to The Hospital where he slept for 2 weeks. He did not know that the god Brian was devastated and hurting, waiting to find out if he was going to wake up. When The Twink finally woke up, he asked for the god Brian, but the god Brian never came to see him, at least not while he was awake. The god Brian would come at night when all the other visitors had left, and watch over His Little Twink as he slept. No one really knew how much the god Brian, himself, was hurting.

The Twink worked hard to recover, and when he had healed enough, he was allowed to go home with his mother. But the Twink only wanted to see the god Brian. He once again asked The Maiden Daphne to take him to Liberty Avenue. He was scared of all the people and didn’t want anyone to touch him. It was hard, but The Twink looked all over for the god Brian. He finally went into Woody’s, trying to be brave. All the people were happy to see him and without meaning to, scared him. The god Brian once again saved him and took him to The Loft. The Twink told the god Brian that he could not remember anything about them dancing, or kissing at the Jeep, or of Hobbs the Horrible. It made the god Brian sad to know The Twink had forgotten the most romantic evening of their lives. The god Brian blamed himself for The Twink’s injuries, no matter how often The Twink told him it wasn’t his fault. Eventually The Twink moved back in to The Loft and the god Brian helped the Twink to remember the good and bad parts of The Prom. They were happy for a while, but the god Brian was unable to tell the Twink how he truly felt about him. The Walls around his heart had been reinforced, and although everyone knew how the god Brian felt, he could not say the Three Little Words that made all the difference.

The Twink was becoming very unhappy and confused. He thought he could find the happiness he wanted with Someone Else. He left The Loft and the god Brian for The Walk-up and The Musician. The Twink soon realized that he had made a mistake but was unsure of how to go back. He was, again, very unhappy and the god Brian was very unhappy. The Twink realized he would have to go back to the beginning for it to work out. The Twink had spies who told him of the god Brian’s visits to Babylon. One night, The Twink went to Liberty Avenue and waited for the god Brian to come out of Babylon. He was standing under the same street light as he had been almost two years before. The god Brian walked to the Jeep and looked up just before he got in. There in the yellow light and haze was His Twink. He stood, staring at his beauty and knew that if he was ever going to be Truly Happy, he had to tell The Twink how he felt, and say those Three Little Words.  The Twink’s blue eyes met his hazel eyes and held them. The god Brian could see the unhappiness there, and knew this was his way of apologizing for leaving. The god Brian started walking toward the Twink. The Twink met him half-way.

“How’s it going? Had a busy night?” the god Brian asked.

This time the Twink answered, “It’s not going too good, actually. I’ve been standing here waiting for a god. But there’s no god here. Just the most beautiful man I’ve ever seen.”

“Where’re you headed?”

“Someplace Special. It’s called The Loft.”

You said those three little words to me for the first time that night. Do you remember, Baby?

My Love, it took us a long time to realize what we had in each other, and that is something, not even death, can take away from us. We have had the most wonderful and amazing life together. I remember it all. It’s tucked away in my heart to cherish forever. Whenever you think of me, I’ll be thinking of you. My body left you. Not what was in my heart, not that part of me that was truly me. And I will never be alone because of all the sweet memories I have of us. You and me, Baby. Always you and me, Lovers Forever.

Later,
     J

############################################################################################

Brian removed his glasses and looked up from the letter. Justin was still in his chair, watching as Brian got up from the sofa. “Thank you, Baby. I’ll still miss you terribly, but I know you’ll always be with me. I love you.  I’m kissing you in my heart. Later.”

Just then a sharp knock at the door brought Brian back from his thoughts. “Brian, open the door. Brian, are you ok?”

“I’m fine Mikey.” Brian said as he unlocked the door and pulled it open.  Can’t a guy have a few minutes to himself?”

“A few minutes? Brian, you’ve been in there for an hour. Everyone’s worried about you. We thought, you know, something might have happened.”

“No. I was just talking to Justin. He was telling me some stuff I had forgotten for a little while.”

“Brian, Justin’s dead,” Em said softly watching Brian put a blue envelope in his jacket pocket.

“No, Em. I mean, yes, Justin’s dead, and I know that. But that’s his body. The real Justin is here,” Brian said pointing to his heart, “and here,”  pointing to his head. “Every time we remember him, think about his Sunshine smile or the way he danced or the delicious meals he prepared for us, he’s alive.  Think of all the magnificent pictures he’s created and how much joy they bring to everyone who sees them. Em, don’t you see?”

Brian walked out of Justin’s office, a smile on his face. His startled friends were unsure of what happened, but they knew they felt a little less sad as they thought about how Justin filled their lives. They looked at each other as they left the office to follow Brian into the crowd of people. They each silently thanked Justin for helping Brian to start healing. As they turned off the light and closed the door, they could swear they heard Justin’s voice say, “Later.”

Return to Cheryl's Fanfiction