Aftermath (April 2010)

I woke surprisingly early, given the exertions of the night before. In fact, thinking about all that I’d done, not just physically, but pharmacologically and alcoholically, it was amazing how good I felt. I looked down at Danny’s sleeping face. Sometimes I thought he was even more beautiful when he was asleep than awake, because all of his defenses were gone. I was so caught up in admiring him that it took me a couple minutes to realize that something...someone ...was missing.

Lanier. And to think I’d been counting on him to stop Danny from running off. I got up, moving slowly as my body made known its complaints about some of the prior night’s activities. Wrestling with that jerk from the Rack Room hadn’t been the best birthday idea I’d ever had. Ranked pretty close to my worst – right up there with that time I....nope, wasn’t going to go there, not even in my mind, I told myself. I shut down any memory that led to the scarfing attempt and on through to the prom and its disastrous aftermath.

Last night had not ended like that. It had been fucking amazing. I walked to the bathroom to empty my bladder, and then, seeing that Lanier’s toiletries were still around, decided to grab a quick shower. He must not have gone far and I reeked so the shower was a priority. By the time I got out and went back to the bedroom, it occurred to me how gross it would be to put my dirty clothes on over my clean body. It was then that I noticed the neatly folded stack on the dresser.

Lanier never missed a trick. Or rather, he knew how to treat a trick in perfect style, I thought ruefully, comparing his treatment to how I used to treat the men who’d graced my bed, though in all fairness, I was sure that I was more than a trick, and Danny was never anyone’s trick. But Lanier definitely went above and beyond, providing new, stylish, and no doubt wildly expensive clothes, which happened to match my admittedly snobbish taste. As I dressed I noted that Danny had left the bed while I was in the shower; he must have opted to use one of the suite’s other bathrooms rather than join me. I dressed quickly in the perfectly fitting jeans and cashmere sweater – a perfect shade of green for me – and padded out to the other room to look for Danny and Lanier.

They were out on the balcony. Danny was also dressed in some clothes courtesy of the shops in the lobby. For once he must have actually taken a quick shower – who would have guessed he could?

“Mornin’, boys. What’s for breakfast and why are you both up at this ungodly hour?” I dropped a kiss onto Danny’s still damp hair; a light breeze was blowing that would soon air dry it. Lanier smiled faintly as I sprawled more than sat on the chair opposite them. Danny was sitting on the edge of one recliner while Lanier was stretched out on his, the picture of the movie star at ease.

“It is on its way, Brian. I ordered a selection of ....” A particularly heated stream of curses from Danny cut Lanier off. I turned my attention back to him, surprised, as he’d been looking as pleased with life as I’d been feeling. I’d been relieved, quite frankly, as I’d more than half expected some morning after angst that we’d have to deal with. But this outburst came out of nowhere. And was directed at his IPhone.

“What’s up, kiddo?”

“Mon infant, is there a problem?”

The only response either of us got was another string of profanity, this time in French and English. Lanier looked at me and shrugged.

“I do not think he is perturbed at either of us, if that is any comfort to you,” he said, getting up and walking back into the suite proper so he could deal with room service, which had knocked. I used his absence to try to find out what had harshed Danny’s mellow. I slid behind him on the lounge chair, nudging him forward so that I could slip a leg on either side of his hips and pull him back against my chest.

“What’s wrong?” I brushed his hair out of the way so I could nuzzle his neck. “There’s nothing so serious that it can’t be solved by turning off the phone.”

He grunted—he was not amused, but he did answer. “My family. Specifically, John.”

I was surprised. Danny had been in John’s camp throughout John’s shunning by the rest of the family so it didn’t make sense for John to be pissing off Danny. I said as much. He laughed sourly.

“Never underestimate an O’Keefe’s capacity for hypocrisy. Though maybe that isn’t the right word.” He paused and considered the messages on his phone. “Nope, I think hypocrisy is the right word.” He waited until the waiter who’d followed Lanier onto the balcony finished setting up the breakfast and saw himself out before he continued. “Fucking John, who hasn’t managed to figure out how to use a condom at his advanced age, and who has impregnated not one, not two, but three women outside of wedlock, and one of those women twice, if you want to be technical about it, has the damn fucking nerve to ask me if I had sex with his newly discovered love child! Like I would fuck around with someone I’m working with, or get involved with someone behind Brian’s back. He so pisses me off.”

Lanier and I just looked at each other – we didn’t quite know how to respond. I decided I wasn’t going to touch his comment, but Lanier couldn’t resist. Liberally buttering a croissant, he asked the Pittsburgh skyline, “Imagine that? Thinking that you would fool around on Brian? Next thing you know, he’d be accusing you of menage`....”

I snickered. I really shouldn’t have but Danny’s righteous indignation was pretty funny. He tried to pull away from me but a lounge is tough to get leverage in at the best of time, and in this instance, I had both my arms and legs around him. He flopped back against me.

“I might fuck two guys who are gasping for it,” he said loftily, “but I wouldn’t take advantage of a kid.”

“Since when is twenty-three a kid?” I asked, picking up a piece of bacon. Today seemed to be a day for decadence of all sorts. I might even butter my bagel, I thought, enjoying the perfectly cooked bacon as much as the feel of Danny wriggling against me. He was really annoyed, which could be amusing, especially when Lanier was there to diffuse him and I wasn’t the only one around to be the target of his temper. I’d never realized Lanier had so many uses, I thought, grinning widely. He caught my expression and rolled his eyes — my grin broadened. Sometimes I would swear the man could read minds. Danny twisted around and glared at me. I knew he could read my mind and right now, he did not appreciate my amusement at his expense. His tone was chilly as he explained.

“Since it’s the age of someone I’m working with, who happens to be on her own and looking at me as a mentor. I’ve had my share of mentors turn sexual partners and it can get in the way. Maria was far too likely to get a crush on me for me to have casual sex with her, Bri, which is the only kind of sex I would be having with someone else...present company excluded.” Danny frowned. “Do we need to have a talk about last night and about why it was different? I would have thought you both understood.”

“I did, do,” I quickly assured him. “But I’m still a little confused. John doesn’t know about last night, does he? So what is the gist of the texts that have gotten you so bent out of shape?”

Danny shrugged away from me and managed to jump up – difficult as it is to get away in a lounge chair I should know better than to underestimate my man’s agility — he was up and pacing before I had time to blink.

“It’s the fact that he both wants me there this morning when he’s having the big meeting between the elder brothers and Maria – but thinks he has to first make sure that there isn’t anything I need to tell him about the time I spent with his new-found daughter before I do so. Like I’m the one who can’t act appropriately.”

“Danny, at the risk of seeming to take John’s side over yours, which I would never do, I think you’re rushing to judgment here. You didn’t see what he went through with your family, hell, with Mickey in the audience last night while your performance with Maria was taking place. And I don’t know if you realize quite how hot a performance it was. I’m not one to jump to the wrong conclusion, but I admit, even I was a little bothered by it and I know better than most that you prefer dick.”

Danny stared at me, eyes narrowed. “You would never jump to conclusions, huh? You were more than a little bothered by my performance last night as I recall and don’t think we’re not going to discuss that, but I had the impression that Maria wasn’t really the issue, but rather, the Rage costume was what got your thong in a twist.”

Before I could answer, my temper rising as I recalled that damn outfit, Lanier leaped into the breach. “Let’s not fight amongst ourselves,” he begged. “Brian is quite right, Daniel. Your performance with Maria was very convincing, of course it was! You are an excellent actor! And Brian! You were upset by the use of the Rage motif, but you know that Daniel had no reason to know that it would upset you so you will not get angry all over again. Let us deal with one crisis at a time, yes? Poor John has need of Daniel’s support this morning, and I suspect that Maria would like her friend there too, Daniel, even more so now that she knows that her mentor and friend is also her uncle?”

Danny’s stormy expression dropped away. “You’re right, Eti – I should be there for Maria even more than for John. Though I guess I shouldn’t be too hard on John either – he was justifiably thrown for a loop. Seems Maria’s mother never told him she was pregnant and while I shouldn’t say too much to you guys, from what I could glean last night, there’s some indication that Mickey doesn’t have room to be throwing stones here.”

“What do you mean?” I asked, diverted from the whole Rage issue.

“I don’t want to say more until I hear Mickey’s side of it – if she’s even willing to say anything, she may be taking the fifth, a smart lawyer like her, but at this point, it looks like her pregnancy with Johnny wasn’t so accidental after all. And also that she might have had something to do with Barb Senyour never telling John about Maria – which would be pretty low-down if true. But can we drop this discussion? Eti needs to leave for New York soon. Before you came in I was trying to make sure that he was okay about last night –  sometimes it’s not all about you or me, Bri, or more accurately, about my family or your past with Justin..”

I was taken aback by the coldness in Danny’s tone. But then I looked at Lanier’s face – and was struck by how raw he looked. Damn, I’d been so sure that it was Danny who would be upset by last night, if anyone, that I didn’t stop to consider that Lanier would be the one with the most at stake emotionally. Even now, as I watched, his expression shifted back to the smooth movie star mask he normally wore – though generally not with us. He smiled his charming smile.

“I am sure I do not know what Daniel means – last night was a most delightful interlude – I hope we have the opportunity to do it again although if it was a once in a lifetime event, I completely understand and I will cherish the memories and relive them on many a lonely evening.” A wolfish grin removed any poignancy from that comment, or it should have, but Danny wasn’t buying it and if he wasn’t, I supposed I shouldn’t either. My lover...my usual lover...got up and moved over to kneel between the Frenchman’s knees, clasping his large hands.

“Eti...don’t.”

“Don’t what, my child?” Lanier raised an eyebrow questioningly. He was very still. Unnaturally still, now that I considered it – Lanier was always in motion.

“Don’t perform that scene that you cut from ‘Two For the Road’ because it was too pathetic,” Danny snapped, though softening his tone and words by rubbing his face on Lanier’s hands. “This is not a break-up scene. Last night was not break-up sex, you stupid man. Remember what I told you before about having sex with you?”

“You said that it would not be casual with us,” Lanier said, so quietly I could barely hear him.

“I meant it.”

“But that was before you caught me kissing your lover,” Lanier pointed out, sounding very French. I had to grin even though it wasn’t funny, because, in a way, it was.

“What you’re saying is that Danny had mind-blowing sex with you last night to show you that his regard for you had lessened...makes sense to me,” I drawled. “He does have a warped sense of sexual propriety sometimes and ....”

“Shut up, Brian,” Danny interrupted me, trying to repress a grin. “This is a serious conversation and if you’re not going to help, you can at least refrain from mocking.”

“But do you know, I think his mocking is helping,” Lanier said, his hound dog expression lightening. “It is helping me see my own twisted logic for what it is.”

“Twisted?” I suggested.

Danny shot me another look but Lanier laughed. “Brian, you are a delight to me. Do not glare at him, Daniel, he is right.” Lanier pulled Danny close in a hug and whispered something to him. I tried not to feel jealous, and succeeded better than I thought I would, especially when Danny called over his shoulder,

“You know, you could come join us here.”

“Nah, you two get your hugs in, I’ll watch. As long as it doesn’t start off any new insecurity on anyone’s part. But thanks for the offer...nice to know I’m not forgotten.”

And it was. Nice to know I wasn’t forgotten. Just as Lanier needed the reassurance that his place was still secure with Danny, that no lines had been crossed that had upset the balance in our friendship, which was important to all three of us, I needed that too…more than I would ever admit aloud. Soon enough, Danny returned to sit with me before heading off to meet John. Lanier went to check his faxes and emails – the business of being an international star never waited long – leaving us a few minutes of alone time before Danny left.

“Can we talk now about what sent you storming off last night or shall we save that for later?” Danny asked, looking unhappy.

“I...don’t have any good excuse. Sometimes the past hits me in the gut and takes me by surprise. I was a dick of the first order and I took it out on you and then on Lanier. I don’t deserve the forgiveness you gave me last night, but I’m grateful for it.”

Danny was still as he took that in. “Will you tell me about it at least?”

“After you get back, yes. The whole sorry tale.”

His beautiful mouth turned down. “I really loved that dance number and thought I looked awesome as Rage...can I just tell you I’m really, really disappointed you didn’t like it? And I’m assuming that there is like, no chance of changing your mind? Eti was thinking of optioning the movie rights and casting me in the part, which I can’t do if it makes you take off for back rooms without me, you understand.”

I sighed. I ran my hand through his hair. “I’m sorry. If I could help it I would but this is one of those dick wilting things, like calling you baby or sonny.”

He nodded briskly as he got up. “Enough said. Let me go – hey, I don’t suppose you want to come too?”

I raised an eyebrow in surprise. “Am I invited?”

“I don’t see why not. You’re my partner. John is only inviting a couple members of the family but you’re one of his best friends, and he’s doing this meet and greet at the Liberty Diner, which is why I ate here, you might have noticed. If Matt can bring Jo, I should think I can bring my significant other.”

“Will Mickey be there?” I couldn’t help wondering after last night’s scene if John’s wife was ready to be polite to his daughter or his sisters-in-law.

Danny frowned as he looked down at his phone. “She isn’t feeling well today. Something about trouble at the house last night with some guy who took her home – he said he’ll explain later. But Mary Fran is coming in her place. And of course Liam isn’t coming – he’s a dick.” That last part was said matter-of-factly. It was a given that the third O’Keefe sister’s husband was a loser of the first degree. He didn’t show up for his own kids’ events much less anything for his siblings or their kids.

“If being a dick rules a person out....” I let the rest go unsaid. Danny flashed one of his double dimpled smiles at me. It struck me how much I’d missed it. No obsessing over a miserable time in my life was worth missing seeing that smile directed at me. I returned the smile and softly said, “I’d love to go.”

“Good. Let me just let Eti know. He’ll be focused on work until he leaves but I’d like to make definite plans to catch up with him in New York later in the week.”

I suspected there wouldn’t be sex on the agenda next time we saw Lanier – and that was okay too. As he would put it, Danny let me scratch an itch that had been growing distracting. It might get scratched again now that we knew we could go over that line with our friendship – and Danny’s and my relationship – intact. Lanier was still a man who would put his career first ninety-nine days out of a hundred, but it was good to know that when he was needed, he would always be there. And it didn’t hurt to let him know that when he needed someone at his back, he had us.

Both of us.

A thought occurred to me while Danny was out of the room. A really good thought and I jumped up.

“Hey, Danny! I’m driving us to the Diner! You’ll never guess what I got for my birthday from my now favorite Frenchman! Lanier! Where’d you put the keys to my Porsche!”

Danny yelped. “Eti! You didn’t!”

I laughed and went to find them to stop Danny from killing Lanier before he told me where the car keys were.

To my surprise, when we told Lanier we were leaving, he gave me an odd look before his expression changed to its usual charming mask and he gave Danny his full attention.

“Daniel, I confess, I did indulge Brian a bit for his birthday. It was a bargain, you see, and you would not have wanted me to pass up such a good deal, I am sure. The car was made for Brian, to see it driven by anyone less than him would be a crime against nature, classic car nature. But the car aside, and yes, Brian, I know that you would not wish for me to so cavalierly dismiss the car from the conversation, but there are some work issues I need to discuss with you for a few moments if Daniel can spare you. May Eli drive you to the Diner, Daniel, and then Brian can join you in his new present? He will be there with you before everyone is done giving hugs if I know your family.”

“Before they’ve all arrived, no doubt, given the speed that Brian drives, if you really aren’t going to keep him for long. You sure I can’t wait for him?” Danny looked between the two of us, but just then his phone sounded again with another text from John. He rolled his eyes.

“I guess I’d better get there as soon as possible, to keep the gang civil and protect both John and Maria.” He grinned at us, all signs of his earlier temper gone. “Sure glad you taught me how to use a condom properly when I was just a wee lad, Brian. It’s nice to be one up on John for a change.”

If I hadn’t still been looking at Lanier, trying to figure out if his strange expression from before had been my imagination; I would have missed his wince at Danny’s comment. But it was definitely a wince, for all that he covered it up by placing his hand on his low back. I wondered what the hell he had to tell me, sure now that his excuse for keeping me behind was a pretense.
 

*******************
 

I sat at one of the Liberty Diner’s largest booths, trying to pretend I wasn’t nervous as hell. Mary Fran reached over and put her hand over mine, stilling my drumming fingers. I looked at her, my irritation fading as soon as my eyes met hers.

“You know, John, you always told me that drumming fingers are a dead give-away,” she said, giving me a one-sided smile. “Never let your nerves show, first lesson, boss.”

I returned the smile, and clasped her hand firmly. This sister of mine – the family’s under-achiever – had blossomed late, but was making up for lost time with a vengeance. Since finishing college in her thirties, and law school at night in her forties, she was now working as an associate in my firm and it wouldn’t be long before she would make full partner. She exhibited a natural talent for litigation, which my older sister Mary Kate said was due to her tendency to solve problems with her fists when she was younger – I thought it was more a factor of Mary Fran’s having had to fight for everything she ever got. She had an alcoholic husband to whom she had devoted herself, six kids she loved unconditionally and pretty much raised and supported on her own. It wasn’t easy being the poor relation in our family, especially with a full share of O’Keefe pride. As the saying goes, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger – Mary Fran hadn’t been killed so she was strong as hell.

I could learn from her. Starting now.

“It’s going to be fine, Jack. Everyone you have coming this morning is going to be really happy to meet your Maria, and she sounds like a wonderful girl. I wish I’d seen the performance last night but Colleen told me she was amazing.”

I relaxed a little bit...not a lot but a little. “Colleen was there? I should have invited her to join us this morning. Damn, it would have been smart to have someone Maria’s age here but since Johnny isn’t here....”

“Stop beating yourself up,” she ordered. “Colleen can meet her afterward. You don’t need to overwhelm her. And she already knows Johnny, right?”

I nodded. I’d called him last night as soon as I could; he spoke with me only briefly, asked to speak with his mother, naturally. I got a text message from him later, saying that he and Maria had spoken, that they were “cool” and he would talk to me later today. He added that he would pass on this brunch as he thought the focus should be on Maria. As things went with Johnny, that was actually much better than I’d expected – probably due to whatever conversation he and Mickey had with each other, which I’d not been privy to. She’d been subdued after our talk. She hadn’t admitted everything that had happened between her and Barb, but she had hinted at a lot of what I’d already suspected. Given what she went through with Fenton, I let her slide on confessing everything. I also let her beg off on this meeting. At some point she was going to have to meet Maria, and, I suspected, she had some confessing and maybe apologizing to do. But how do you admit to the type of deception Mickey had engaged in? I still was avoiding facing it myself even though there was no doubt in my mind now that she’d deliberately gotten pregnant with Johnny to....I stopped my thoughts right there.

Like I said, I wasn’t ready to wrap my mind around it. It didn’t match the image of the woman I’d loved for over twenty years to think she could have been that devious. That she could have done that to my friend Barb, to another woman.....

“Good morning! Is there room enough for four more here?”

“Make that six.”

Matt, Jo, Jamie and Daphne came in together, with Mark and Laura right behind them. I’d thought of inviting Joey and Sally also, but then thought I’d be criticized for leaving out Mary Kate and Mary Beth, as well as Mary Beth’s husband, so I went with Matt, as the eldest, and Jamie and Danny as the brothers I spent the most time with. I’d quickly called Mark and invited him at the last minute when it occurred to me that, other than Danny who already knew Maria, it appeared that I was only inviting the brothers with black partners — Mark was a safe choice because he was so much the family peacemaker that no one would ever dispute his being present. And Laura was as easy going as he was.

Partners. Damn, I should have told Danny to bring Brian. I’d gotten distracted with the questions about how close Danny had gotten with Maria, which had offended him, that we’d never gotten back on track. Before I could pull out my phone and remedy the situation, I saw Danny in the doorway…with Maria. They walked over quickly to where the others were still finding their seats with us at the large round table at the back of the diner that we’d been given.

“Hi guys! Brian will be joining us in a few minutes…hope you don’t mind, John, I assumed he was invited too,” Danny said easily. I assured him he was as I stood up to go to Maria’s other side, giving her a quick hug. She was trying to look comfortable but I could see the tension in her bearing as she glanced at all of my siblings and the spouses/fiancees who were there. Suddenly, even this small of a gathering, relatively speaking, seemed overwhelmingly large when viewed from the perspective of an only child. What had I been thinking? My face must have revealed my thoughts as much as Maria’s, because Danny started laughing as he tugged on my arm.

“Relax, John. I’ve already assured Maria that as much as this looks like a lot of people, it really is a shockingly small delegation when it comes to the number of people you’ve managed to offend by not inviting them to come this morning. And when it gets out that Brian is allowed to come, you are really going to be in trouble. Do you want me to start the introductions or are you sufficiently caffeinated to handle it?”

“Brat,” I said, but with a smile to show him my appreciation for his breaking the ice. I indicated that Maria should take the seat next to me that I pulled out for her. Once she sat down, I began the introductions, starting with Matt and Jo, and working my way around the table. Within a very short time, Maria was chatting easily with all of them, demonstrating a poise and ease that was very much like an O’Keefe, and yet with a maturity that was all her own. Barb had been a shy person in groups, and certainly had not been all that talkative with people she didn’t know well. She was confident on the basketball court, though, dominating there, a real superstar, and once she knew a person, she’d reveal her great sense of humor. Damn, I wish she’d never left Penn like she had. The guilt over Barb’s pregnancy, her leaving school and facing disgrace with her parents as she had, hit me all over again.

I felt Danny’s hand on mine. He’d taken the seat on my other side, letting Daphne sit on the other side of Maria since she was the closest to her in age. He bent his head close to mine, under guise of looking at the menu, which I suspected he had no intention of ordering from. His voice was low, for my ears only, no easy trick with such practiced eavesdroppers as my family present.

“Your inscrutability is slipping. Buck up, what’s past is past and this is a happy occasion. Maria is having a good time and you can let yourself have a good time too.”

I whispered back, “Is it going to be that easy?”

He smiled. “Sometimes it really can be, unless we make it harder than it has to be.”

Brian came in then, looking his usual debonair self. Maria and he were introduced. She looked between him and Danny, then raised an eyebrow. I could see all of the O’Keefes around the table taking note of that O’Keefe mannerism and nodding with satisfaction as though that was all that was needed to confirm her paternity — forget DNA tests, a facility with lifting one eyebrow at a time to express a myriad of emotion was enough to prove that one belonged in this family.

“So this is the real Rage?” she asked, her expression so innocent it had to be fake, though she did it well, I had to hand her that. Still, the innocuous question caused Brian to frown and Danny to flush bright red. I wasn’t sure what the problem was but clearly there was some story there — I remembered that Brian had left Babylon, stormed out really, after seeing the Rage performance. Everyone else at the table was looking curiously at my youngest brother and his partner — time to return a favor.

“You’re looking good this morning, Daphne, for the mother to be of triplets. Maria, you should know that there’s hope for some basketball players in the next generation of O’Keefes. While my brothers and sisters only played soccer, as did Brian, both Daphne and Jo played B-ball, and now that Daphne and Jamie have triplets on the way, if the babies are lucky enough to have their dad’s height and their mom’s coordination we might have some real athletes in this next generation….”

That’s as far as I got with my instigating. As I anticipated, my comment got the whole gang talking at once — arguing the merits of soccer over basketball. It was so typical for my family that the news about the multiple births didn’t engender as much excitement with some of them as my blasphemous statement about soccer. Maria laughed delightedly at the sight and sound of the O’Keefes and partners in full “debate” mode.

Danny leaned close to say, under cover of the noise of a dozen people talking at once, “See, sometimes it can be that easy.”

Looking at my daughter’s glowing face, I relaxed for the first time since I’d seen her on the large screen in Babylon and recognized in her the blending of the best of my old college friend Barb and myself.

Maybe I would get the chance to be a father to this lost child of mine, and repay Barb for the wrong done to her all those years ago.

*******************
 

I couldn’t wait for the brunch with the O’Keefes to be over, and yet, at the same time, I dreaded being alone with Danny. At least while we were surrounded by his family, there was no chance to have any private conversation together. I needed some time to get my head together before exposing myself to any O’Keefe examination — especially any by the one O’Keefe who mattered most. He was beginning to give me searching looks, so I knew I was either going to have to be more of my usual self or come up with some excuse for leaving.

And leaving without him would not be a good idea, not after last night’s stunt, not without a good excuse, which I could not come up with to save my life. Damn Lanier and his ill-timed bout of conscience, which I couldn’t keep from replaying in my mind, even as I tried to participate in the spirited debate over soccer’s superiority to basketball.

It started as soon as Danny left us to join John — I just had to notice that Lanier’s basset hound expression was a bit too much in evidence for a man who just had what had to be one of the best sexual experiences of his life.

Flashback to the hotel suite:

“What’s wrong, Lanier,” I asked, tossing a bagel at the man who was staring out the balcony doors as though he’d just lost his best friend. He let the bagel bounce off his shoulder and to the floor as though he didn’t even notice it. I was getting annoyed. I snapped his name a bit louder, which got him to look at me...finally. I rolled my eyes. “Listen, I don’t know what the fuck your problem is but if you’re going to claim last night did not live up to your expectations, I will call you a liar.”

He frowned at me, but it was as though he didn’t know what I was talking about. His eyes narrowed in concentration, which was strange because while Lanier has many flaws, and I’m often the first to name them, being slow on the uptake is not one of them. After a full minute, during which I stared at him and tried to figure out what was going on in that head of his, he finally seemed to comprehend what I meant, and he shook his head impatiently, as though I was the one being dense.

“Non! Of course not,” he said, waving his hands. He sat up and leaned forward, but he didn’t continue to look at me; instead, he stared at the floor, and seemed to be trying to make up his mind about something. I waited, but when he didn’t say anything more after a few more minutes of this, I began to get worried.

In a softer voice, I asked, “Stephan, what is it? Obviously something is troubling you. I think you can tell me after all that we’ve been through.”

That got him to look me in the eyes and I was struck by how much pain there was in them. I’ve seen a lot of expressions on Lanier’s face since meeting him, some real and many more feigned, but nothing as raw and real as this.

“It is because of all we’ve been through together that I would spare you the demon of conflict that troubles me,” he said quietly.

“Damn,” I whispered. I got up and poured us both a drink. He took the one I offered him and drank it down in a gulp. I drank mine and then waited for him to tell me what it was that was so bad. He took his usual roundabout way in getting to the point.

“Did you ever want something so much but were sure that it would never happen? And then, just when you have given up on it and have accepted that it is hopeless, your dearest wish comes true, but at the worst possible time?”

Okay, cryptic Frenchman time. I poured him another drink.

“I’m thinking this has something to do with last night. But unless you are somehow engaged to be married, or pregnant or something, I don’t see how last night changes anything so much to have you in such a funk. The worst thing we both feared was Danny freaking out in a big morning after aftermath, which he didn’t. I have to tell you, I didn’t expect you to be the one to….”

He jumped up, cutting me off with an especially profane curse...in French. I only knew it because it was one of Danny’s favorites for especially provocative moments. Lanier whirled around after pacing across the room. He ran his hands through his hair, making it stand on end. For all that he was at his wit’s end he was careful to keep his voice low so that there was no danger he would be overheard.

“I know of a secret that would…greatly upset Danny…to put it mildly…and I have kept it from him, thinking it best, well, not best, but better than any other choice I could think of, and not knowing what else to do about it. And it did not seem so important to tell him. Now, with this new relationship, suddenly I fear even more losing his trust. Before, I was his good friend, but hearing his words today, I feel as though it is karma, and I do not know that I was right not to tell him….”

Lanier poured himself another drink. I stopped him from gulping this one down.

“Stop. You’re already babbling, more booze and I’ll lose any chance I have of understanding what it is that you’re trying to tell me,” I told him. “What is this secret that you know that you’ve never told Danny?” I had a sick…and sixth… sense that I already knew. The conversation this morning and Lanier’s reaction to Danny’s comments made my mind jump back years to a conversation I once overheard between Lanier and Aida, Danny’s other close friend from his travels in France as a young man. Aida was the half-sister of the woman Danny had been in love with as a teen-ager, the older prima ballerina, who had taught him ballet, and….

Who had gotten pregnant by him when he was only a kid.

I asked again more forcefully. “What the fuck is the secret, Lanier?”

“Danny…he spoke so of his brother not knowing of being a father and yet….he too was a father…Aida’s sister…Judith, she gave birth to his children…twins…but never told him. She let him believe that she ended the pregnancy. He never knew. It would destroy him to find out.”

I downed another glass of scotch, and let Lanier have another glass. He looked like he needed it.

“How could you possibly think it would be for the best not to tell him?” I asked, my tone mild, yet even as I asked it, I felt like a hypocrite because I could think of several reasons not to tell Danny…easily…hell, he fathered those twins when he was all of seventeen. He’d spent enough time being a father to Briana starting when he was twenty-four, but to be a father to two kids who would be, damn, they’d be teenagers now, and to have started when he was a kid himself, he’d have to have given up his own life to do it. And to start now, like John was, with kids who didn’t know him, who had grown up with someone else as their father? I was so busy wondering what they looked like, if they were boys or girls, and what they’d been told about Danny, if anything, that I almost didn’t hear Lanier’s next words, but his harsh tone broke into my thoughts like a saw through tissue paper.

“They’re dead, Brian. That’s why I didn’t think there was any point to telling him. By the time Daniel and I were close again, believe me, I wanted to tell him then as I know how he feels about secrets. I had many an argument with Aida over this, but then the car accident happened, the one in which Judith died. I told Daniel that Nikolai’s children were in the car too, and died because that was what I was told, that was what the world was told, because the children, a boy and a girl, were raised as Nikolai’s children. Aida had told me the truth years before, when I questioned her after seeing them once. The boy was the image of Daniel, while his sister was more on the order of the red-haired O’Keefes, she resembled the New York Aunt who is mother to all the firemen, Daniel’s mother’s sister, I believe. When you overheard us years ago, Aida and I were arguing over telling him about the children. Aida felt, and I could not dissuade her, that while he was still so young and committed to staying in the States, and also with Simon after him, and Nikolai the only father they knew, that it was best to leave well enough alone. Later, when they were gone, I regretted that he never had the chance to get to know them, but it was too late, the opportunity was lost. Aida convinced me then that it would only hurt him to learn the truth when it was too late for him to benefit from it. He would only suffer more.”

“Nikolai’s children…they were not his, but Danny’s?” I asked, my throat tight.

“Oui, Nikolai, he was not able to father children — something about a beating he suffered in Russia before defecting. Judith was a cold bitch in many ways but in her own strange way, she cared for him and she was the great love of his life. She sought out a young dancer with great talent and virility to father children for her to ‘give’ to Nikolai, so that he could have a son and daughter to pass on his genius to. At least, that is how Aida believes her sister rationalized lying to Daniel as she did. That was another reason not to tell Daniel, I told myself — to know the truth about her using him as she did, it would have verified what he feared about their relationship. He once told me that he was seen by others as Judith’s ‘stud’. He would have been mortified to know that was truer than he realized.”

I listened with half an ear to Lanier as he explained how Nikolai raised the twins as his own, always the hands on parent while Judith continued to be the flighty ballerina who flitted in and out of her family’s lives. My mind was whirling, wondering, why the children would have been in the car with Judith, why Aida was kept away from the funeral if her only niece and nephew died then too?

Why did Lanier have to dump this on me so that his problem was now our problem? Of course, I had pretty much insisted, the small voice inside my head reminded me. I hated that voice sometimes. It was so honest; it was a pain in the ass.

“What do I do, Brian? I still cannot tell Daniel about his children, and yet, I keep this secret from him and if he ever finds out and learns that I kept it from him, he will hate me. For him to go back to hating me now, now when I have his love again…I don’t think I could survive losing him twice.”

I lifted my eyebrow at Lanier. “Well, for what it’s worth, thanks to this little chat, I’m now in this boat with you, Lanier…damn you.”

He looked at me then, and to his credit, he looked even more stricken than before. “I did not think…I…”

He cursed again. I agreed fully with the sentiment. But even more, I agreed that there was no way that Danny could be told. Hell, after all that he said about John and Maria just that morning, this was not news he ever needed to be told, that he too had fathered children accidentally. There was no point because there wasn’t going to be any fucking happy ending. It was a fucking shame but it was really all for the best, I told Lanier. Let the truth remain buried with those poor kids.

 

*******************

I played my Spanish guitar while I waited for Brian to come to the bedroom. I deliberately chose some of the songs I’d played the night we’d met the luthier Josef, the night Brian had bartered to get the guitar for me during our vacation in Ibiza. Thinking about that wonderful time made me wistful — it had been a long time since we’d gotten away together like that. We really should take another vacation.

Finally he came in from the other room where he’d been finishing up a business call. I was glad to see the stress lines leave his face as he took in the muted lighting and the music. The fact that I was just wearing my favorite old pair of sweats that I’d stolen from him the first night we’d gotten together didn’t hurt. He threw himself down next to me.

“Don’t stop playing,” he murmured, pulling his shirt off.

“Didn’t plan to,” I smiled at him. I continued with the Spanish songs for a while, seeing that he seemed to be enjoying them. Eventually I switched to the Celtic music that was his favorite, singing softly in the language of our ancestors. He sat up enough so that he could reach my head and started running his fingers through my hair. After a long while, he stilled my hands and took the guitar from me, placing it carefully on its stand. A benefit of long arms like his, he can reach so much without ever getting out of bed, I thought, admiring the play of muscles on his back as he stretched.

“Thank you for playing and singing. I’m not sure I deserved such a great ending to the day but I’m grateful for it,” he said as he rested back down next to me.

“What made your day so bad? I was surprised you had to go into the office after we left the diner this morning. Problems pop up there?”

He paused, and then shrugged. “Always problems there,” was all he said. “Nothing I couldn’t fix but it took longer than I hoped. I might have to take a trip next week. Nothing important, but I’m sorry that I had to leave you alone all day, especially when we still have last night to discuss. We do still have to discuss last night, don’t we? Or does the playing of my favorite music and wearing of my favorite sweats mean I’m getting a pass on being a first class dick last night?”

I moved closer to him, settling between his legs, my back against his chest, my hips pressed nicely against his groin. More favorites, I thought, keeping my grin to myself.

“I’m always open for some talking, but if you want to use a get out of the doghouse free card…I’m okay with that. The whole point of last night was to make you happy, if not with one thing, then hopefully with another. I did score with the other, didn’t I?” I asked, twisting around and grinning at him.

He nipped at my shoulder. “A night that will live in infamy…and memory…forever. But as good…great…as last night was, the best part of it was, is, always will be, you. You know that, don’t you?” Brian’s eyes looked into mine intently, as serious as I ever saw them. I kissed him.

“Yes, I do,” I told him. “If I didn’t, I never would have shared you with Etienne.”

“I’m sorry about getting angry and storming off in the stupid way I did,” he mumbled sheepishly. “I’m not sorry about how it all worked out — that was great, as long as you really aren’t upset about it. I’ve never been one for getting all bent out of shape about sex with someone or thinking that it can be something that can ruin a friendship — not if it’s good sex — which last night was. You’ll note that Mikey is, was, and always will be the exception to that for me — sex with him would ruin our friendship because it would not be good sex, but I can’t tell him that so let’s not ever tell him that he’s the exception to my general rule. And Lanier doesn’t strike me as someone to be all clingy, the other caveat to sex with friends. He’s too busy for a relationship with one person so I don’t see him bothering us and wanting to be all snuggly all the time with the two of us, getting in the middle of our bed … any more than he already does, that is….”

I had to laugh at that. Brian had an on-going gripe that Eti tended to call in the middle of the night, totally ignoring time zones, when he wanted to talk. He had a gift for interrupting us in bed together when he was having a crisis of one type or the other.

“But you did have an itch that you wanted scratched,” I suggested, stroking his leg slowly, thinking it would be nicer if he’d taken the time to take off his jeans before getting into bed. His jeans were not quite as accessible as these old sweats were. I reached behind me and undid the snap on them, hoping he’d get the hint. He did, lifting his hips up so I could slide him out of them while he responded to my comment.

“I don’t know that I would call it an itch…that’s more your term,” he grinned at me and I swatted his ass. He shifted us around so that we were both lying on our sides, the better for talking, though not as comfortable for cuddling to my way of thinking. I indulged him, as I hoped he would eventually get back to discussing what made him so mad about the Rage commercial…and I was still pissed off at his buddy Michael over that stunt. I was a little pacified by Brian’s comment about him and sex though — Brian no doubt knew that too.

“I think that Lanier is always going to be his own man. He certainly never seems to settle down with anyone for long, though he doesn’t trick so much as he engages in significant flings…and then moves on, leaving the other person when that person wants more from him than he wants to give. I think that despite his protests, you suited him perfectly, you never wanted more than he wanted to give, because the truth is, his career is always his passion. With you he had someone with whom he could meld the two, but no one else does that as well as you did. But he would not want to….”

“Settle in one place with me and raise Briana or settle in the city where you have your company and your son,” I finished the thought for him when it seemed that he wasn’t going to complete the thought. “You’re right of course. Maybe ten years ago, before Briana, if Etienne were the man he is today and you and I had never hooked up, we would have been able to make it work. Or, if you were a different type of man, more mobile in terms of your work and life, you and he would be able to make it work….”

He stopped me. “Hold it right there! Lanier and I are only interested in each other if you are there as the glue that keeps us together as a threesome. I cannot see us as a pair.”

“Really? I can,” I told him and it wasn’t just teasing, though there was an element of that to it. The more I thought about it, the more I could see the two of them making it work even without me. They had a lot in common. I wondered if the idea should bother me, but found that it didn’t.

“You’re the only one I want to be with like this, Danny. But it’s taken me a long time to get to this place, you know that. I wouldn’t want to ever risk what we have, and yet….”

I touched his face with my hand. “And yet, when you feel threatened, you find yourself doing the very thing that might push me away, just to reassure yourself that I won’t go away…or to show yourself that if I do go, it was due to your conscious act so you retained a measure of control over the situation.”

He looked relieved, and surprised. “How do you know me so well?”

“Because I do the same thing, mo gra’. What do you think last night was, at least at first, before it turned into something very good. Pure bravado. But, even though I understand why you left to go seek release and oblivion in some of Liberty Avenue’s rougher clubs, and my understanding you is why I sent Etienne to play hero and rescue you from yourself when I was caught helping John with Maria, I still do not understand what triggered it. Why did you feel threatened?”

I looked at him closely. He seemed to be hesitating, but when he finally spoke, it was nothing more than what I had already expected. Nonsense about Justin, the Rage costume, and a nasty break-up scene. By now, that was really anticlimactic. I tried to listen patiently, and I hid my true feelings, but I confess to being irritated that this bit of history with Justin was going to interfere with my being able to play Rage in the movie, when comic book movies were doing extremely well, and I’d love to be able to portray a gay superhero. Eventually, I couldn’t keep back a sigh.

Brian frowned. “You’re disappointed,” he stated flatly. “Why would you want to play a stupid part like Rage? I thought you would prefer to take more serious roles?”

“I like different things,” I told him. “And I don’t like having my choices dictated by your past with Justin. Rage is Michael’s creation; Justin doesn’t even do the art anymore. He means something to the gay community. I think a movie about him would be a good thing right now and I would do a good job in the role, as opposed to some straight actor who would make a big deal about being ‘brave’ to play a gay part. I hate when they do that. You wouldn’t even have to see the movie if you didn’t want to.”

Brian laughed at that. I grinned. Like he would be able to avoid going to the premiere. I rolled over on top of him. I sensed victory on the horizon.

“Maybe we can discuss this in the morning?” I murmured, pressing my advantage…among other things.

Brian moaned. I decided to take that as a yes.

*******************

 

I really should have left well enough alone, I thought, as I parked my car outside the gated grounds of the small but prestigious dance academy located just outside Paris. Two slender teenage boys were lounging against the fence, doing their best to look unimpressed by the rented Porsche convertible I was driving. I wished I’d thought to select something a little less conspicuous. They were at my window as soon as my wheels stopped moving.

I let the window down. It took all my effort to keep my face expressionless as I looked into deep green eyes. The kid’s light brown hair, dyed and straightened, I was willing to bet, didn’t fool me a bit. His features were the image of my lover’s, as he’d looked at fifteen. His buddy had white blond hair and dark gray eyes. There was something familiar looking about him, but he looked nothing like the first boy so I didn’t think he could be related. Besides, Lanier had said that the twins were a boy and a girl, so this other boy couldn’t be a second O’Keefe twin, I told myself, trying to stay calm.

Damn. Cynthia’s research ability was beyond compare. I gave her the task of finding the man who Danny’s Judith had been involved with for years — a Russian ballet dancer turned choreographer and instructor, first name Nikolai — she didn’t need more. She had the name of the school in less than an hour, along with the information that he currently had two children, although she was not able to get much information about them, other than that one of them was rumored to be a dance prodigy. She told me that he’d moved around a lot and kept his children under wraps but there was a brief mention of them in a story about the school when he opened it just a year ago.

“Are you lost, Monsieur?” The blond spoke first, in English. I wondered what gave me away. I looked at him more closely, trying to figure out why he seemed so familiar. I decided that he’d given me as good an excuse as any for being there.

“Yes. I’m looking for a friend’s sister’s school.”

Lanier’s youngest half-sisters did attend school somewhere in this region, I knew. So I planned on using them as my backstory if I needed to get into that degree of detail — which I had no intention of doing if I could avoid it.

Danny’s kid — I had no doubt that’s who he was — leaned against the car door with both arms, bending at the waist gracefully. “If you tell us the name of the sister, I’m sure we will know her. We know all the girls worth knowing in this area and if you are looking for her, then undoubtedly, she is a girl worth knowing.”

He spoke English well also, but with a noticeable French accent. His blond friend laughed at him, and chided him for his audacity in a low aside spoken in French. He tossed his head and laughed back at him, showing dimples that were exactly like Danny’s, so much so that I almost gasped. As it was, my grip on the steering wheel tightened. The blond must have noticed something because his gaze narrowed and he put his hand on the other’s arm, pulling him back slightly. His tone was noticeably cooler as he asked, “Who exactly is it that you are looking for, sir?”

“I am friends with the Marquis du Lanier,” I answered, providing my prepared story mechanically, “His twins go to school near here, I believe, and since I am in the area working on a story — I’m a journalist, you see -- I thought I would say hello before continuing on my travels.”

The blond’s expression cleared at once, to my surprise, and he smiled indulgently. “You are in luck…and out of luck. This is their school actually. But they have gone home for the week, for their sister’s birthday party. Being a family friend, perhaps you could catch up with them there?”

An eyebrow was raised expectantly, but if he thought to catch me out in this, he was disappointed. I smiled back sweetly.

“No thanks. All five of those girls at one time is too much for me. And Adeline has already been given my present — something suitably horsey you can be sure.”

Both boys relaxed fully then — convinced that I was telling the truth. And as I kicked myself for choosing to use Lanier’s family for my cover, without first making sure where it was exactly that his sisters were currently going to school — they were kicked out of enough schools that I should have thought the chances of them being in exactly the one I was going to was small enough! — I realized also that there was a reason the blond looked so damn familiar. Put it down to the small world syndrome that was plaguing me, I thought, as the kid held out his hand and introduced himself.

“Dominic Linton, and this is my friend, David Petrovic. We are both good friends of Melisande and Melaine—the two Melli’s, we call them. My father is the Earl of Mainwaring and he’s been friends with the Marquis for ages. David’s father is the owner of this Academy and a brilliant ballet master.”

“But it’s no wonder you didn’t know that the Melli’s were here,” David added, grinning. “They’ve only recently started here. This is, what, their fifth school, or sixth, Dom?”

“It would be rude to keep track,” the little earl retorted, smirking, nudging the O’Keefe in Petrovic covering.

I found myself staring, though I tried to hide it. I said just enough to keep the two boys talking, which wasn’t hard to do. They were at the age where they loved to show off. If they weren’t gay they were certainly bi-curious, as the new term went, and they loved flirting, with each other and with me. They were easily convinced to go with me to a café for a light lunch, no doubt deciding that the friend of a Marquis was safe…and that there was safety in numbers. I gave my name as Brian Aidan, leaving off my last name, and steering the conversation back to them whenever either of them got nosy. I added to my cover of journalist by telling them that I was looking for some local areas of interest to write about for a magazine article. They laughingly assured me that there were no areas of interest nearby.

I learned that David had a sister, Brigit, and Dominic had an older brother, Marcus, who, being the heir to the earldom, freed Dominic to pursue dance as a career, although his father was not thrilled with his choice. I remembered that Linton had warned us that his cousin to whom he left the earldom was not someone to be trusted. This Linton seemed like a decent enough kid; he matter-of-factly assured me that it was David who was the true prodigy, saying that he was good enough to have hopes of winning a place with a national company in another year or so if he worked hard.

I was congratulating myself on a successful fact gathering spy mission and was about ready to take the two kids back to the school when David looked over my shoulder and called out, “Papa!”

If a person could freeze, I would have. But instead, I slowly turned, and of course, it wasn’t Danny standing behind me, but a distinguished looking middle-aged man with graying curly hair, somewhat short but very well-built, with icy blue eyes.

“David, Dominic, you left the Academy without permission.” Petrovic said in French.

“Papa, this is Monsieur Aidan, he does not speak French well so we are speaking English for him. He is a journalist who is a friend of Marquis Lanier, and is looking for places of local interest. We are merely being helpful,” David told him, smiling coaxingly. “Monsieur Aidan, this is my father, Nikolai Petrovic, he is the dance master for our Academy.”

I stood and bowed slightly, then held out my hand. Petrovic shook it, his grasp very strong. He stared at me for a long while but then shook his head slightly. He smiled, but his eyes looked worried.

“A journalist? Is there much here outside the City of Lights for you to find of interest?”

“Actually…no. I find that I’m not finding all that much to write home about,” I told him, keeping my tone light. He seemed to relax a little.

“I would think not. Most of the interesting sights are far from our little town.”

“I believe I agree with you, Nikolai, but sometimes one likes to look for oneself just to be sure.”

“I can understand that. And are you now sure?”

“Yes, I believe I am.”

The boys looked totally confused, but Nikolai and I understood each other. David insisted on snapping a picture of himself with me, the American journalist, before I drove away. It would have caused a scene to stop him and I didn’t think it would do any harm and I rather thought that his father would make sure the picture was deleted from his phone. I didn’t plan on ever seeing him again and I made sure to keep my hat and sunglasses on just to be on the safe side. Something about those O’Keefe teenagers and their crushes, I thought, grinning. Shame that Danny would never know about this kid, but it really would be for the best to leave well enough alone, as this kid was totally Petrovic’s son, and after all these years, it would be cruel to disrupt his life and that of the sister who I never saw, not to mention Danny’s, to try to turn back time.

The aftermath of Judith’s lies was too tangled in this case to be undone. It wasn’t like Maria Senyour and John, I told myself, these kids had a father to love them and care for them. They didn’t need Danny and Danny didn’t need to find out now, after all this time, that he had fathered children he’d never known.

No, better to let things stay the way they were. I toyed with the idea of telling Lanier that the twins weren’t dead, but decided to keep that secret to myself. Knowing Lanier, he might not see things the same way I did. He sometimes had these attacks of conscience and he might think that Danny should be told. I was really doing Lanier and Danny both a favor, keeping this information to myself.

That’s what I told myself. I really wish I hadn’t listened to me.